Finding Evan

by Lisa Swallow

  “Fine,” he mutters. The guy holds up his hands in a gesture of defeat and backs away, blending into the crowds. I slide down the condensation-covered wall, landing on the floor, and my dress rides up to my knees. The dress falls down at the front where he ripped it, and I hold the strap up, reddening as Ollie’s gaze quickly shifts from where I was exposed.

  Ollie crouches down. “You okay?”

  I chew inside my mouth, biting back the growing hysteria. I don’t want him to see that I’m not. “I want to go home. Can you get me a cab?”

  “Come on.” He takes me under the arms and pulls me to my feet. I slump against his chest, pleased for the support. Physical and otherwise.

  “Just get me a cab,” I mumble.

  “I’ll take you home. Honestly, Ness…”

  “I didn’t want him to do it!” I shriek, pushing at him.

  “No, I was talking about how drunk you are. Not that scum touching you up.”

  His strange calmness soothes me. Ollie picks up my shoes, and then guides me through the throng and down the stairs; all the while, I grip onto his arm. Outside, the winter air hits a tiny piece of sobriety into me and I drop onto the pavement edge, head in my hands. I’m not the only one – there’s a few other girls staggering around or slumped near me. I place a palm on the bitumen path and focus on not vomiting, ignoring the way the ground moves around.

  Voices mingle behind and I catch snatches of conversations.

  “So you’re not coming back with me?” A girl’s voice.

  “No. I’ve got to take my friend home.” Ollie’s talking to someone. The same person? Sonya? I’d turn and see who, but if I move I might throw up.

  “Friend?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Do I get a kiss goodbye at least?” I doubt she’s sober either from the sound of her voice.

  I’ve no idea if he does or not, but moments later, heels click away and Ollie crouches back by me. “How’re you doing?”

  I can’t hold the nausea anymore, and I retch the contents of my stomach over Ollie’s boots and the pavement. I groan and to my surprise, he laughs at me.

  “This is a whole new side to you, Ness. You’ll never make a proper med student if you can’t hold your drink.”

  I ignore him and put my head back on my knees, wishing I could wash the bitter taste from my mouth. And the memory of the guy from my mind. Car wheels appear on the road in front, and a few moments later, Ollie helps me inside. The smell of the taxi air freshener turns my stomach and I gag.

  “She’s not getting in here if she’s going to be sick!” protests the driver.

  “She won’t be; she already has.” Ollie leans around and straps me in.

  As the car moves away, I hold my head against the window and close my eyes. “Sorry.”

  “You’re not the first drunk girl I’ve helped. And I doubt you’ll be the last.” At least he’s amused and not pissed off. And not mentioning what he just saw.

  “Sorry for the girl.”

  “What girl?”

  “The one you left. Who wanted to kiss you.”

  Ollie snorts. “I didn’t want to kiss her. You probably helped me out.”

  “Not as much as you helped me out.”

  “True.”

  The journey consists of Ollie’s silence and me attempting to not retch. When we get home, he hooks his fingers beneath the shoelace tying the keys around my neck and pulls them over my head. My body stiffens at the second set of male hands on my bare skin tonight.

  I’ve never been happier to see my sofa as I am now. I don’t care it’s covered with Abby’s disgusting, snotty tissues as I throw myself onto it. The threadbare cushions are the most welcoming bed I’ve had in my life.

  Ollie kneels on the floor next to me. I’m focusing better because I can see the concern in his wrinkled brow. “You going to be okay? After what happened.”

  “I just want to sleep.” Not think about it. Ever.

  “Do you still feel sick?”

  “No.” I gag again.

  “Sure…” Ollie walks away and I fight to keep my eyes open. A bowl materializes next to me, and Ollie lays a cool hand on my forehead.

  “I don’t want you choking to death on your own vomit.”

  “Nice.”

  He stands and sits in the armchair opposite. “Do you want me to get Abby?”

  “No. Don’t wake her up. And sorry,” I mumble.

  “It’s okay. If I wasn’t helping you home, I’d be helping Jared.”

  I turn my head towards him. “Why aren’t you drunker? I was sure you had a few.”

  He smiles, and I think it’s at my slurred speech. “I’ve had more practice. Last time I was really wasted was at the Full Moon Party in Thailand. Makes the MedSoc events look like a tea party.”

  I make a noise of agreement, but don’t have a clue what he means. “Sorry about the girl then.”

  “I said it’s fine.” He pauses. “I have a girlfriend anyway.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Should tell Evan,” I mumble.

  “Tell Evan what?”

  “You have a girlfriend and don’t want his.”

  Ollie doesn’t respond. I’d like to ask him about his girlfriend, but my brain would like me to go to sleep. The minute of quiet that follows my comment is long enough for me to pass into unconsciousness.

  ***

  EVAN

  Lucy stayed in Faye’s house a couple of hours, came out, and tried to talk to me. Every time she opened her mouth, I shut her down. Blanking out today is the only way to cope. I can’t acknowledge where Lucy went. I’m used to waiting outside for her; in the past I would when she had hospital appointments, so I can trick my mind into thinking this is what I’m doing. We drove back to Lancaster in silence. Lucy thanked me; I told her never ask me to go with her again. Then I left. For the pub.

  I stay out all evening; I came across some old mates at the pub. After the day I’ve had, escaping into a beer haze seems excusable. But I can’t contact Ness. She won’t answer my texts. Ness always answers texts, even with a message to say she’ll text later. This funny Ness quirk normally amuses me, but now it worries me because she hasn’t. I know she went to the MedSoc thing, but she should be back by now. We always say goodnight.

  I hope Lucy appreciates what I did, because I think I’ve really pissed off Ness. I know she’s furious with me about leaving her this weekend, but I thought she was okay about me going by the time I left. I guess leaving her unwell on the sofa yesterday didn’t help.

  I lie in bed thinking of Ness. Two am and I can’t sleep. Images of a naked Ness flood my mind, pushed out by paranoid images of Ness with Ollie. What if she has too much to drink? Feels lonely? And Ollie’s there not me. Something could happen. No. She loves me. I know she does; this insecurity is all me, not her fault. Lucy’s fault. Faye’s fault.

  Why the fuck am I doing this? I should have stayed in Leeds, explained to Ness what’s going on and backed right off Lucy and Faye. I grab my hair and turn over in bed. I want to tell her everything, but the old Evan – the one who can’t talk about how he feels – has been resurrected by this bullshit.

  Chapter Nine

  EVAN

  Ness is asleep when I arrive at her place Sunday afternoon. Abby tells me not to wake her. Ness never sleeps so late. Abby also looks like crap and won’t stop blowing her nose as she lies on the couch watching some chick flick and sucking Strepsils.

  “Get me a coffee if you’re making one,” she calls, as I go into the kitchen.

  Unable to find a clean mug, I rinse a couple under the tap. “Good night out?”

  “I didn’t go,” Abby replies. “Too sick.”

  I stick my head through the doorway. “Did Ness go on her own?”

  “With Ollie and Jared.” She punctuates the sentence with a nose-blow.

  My stomach flips and I push down the insecurity. Abby didn’t go…but Ness still did? “And she’s still in be
d? Must’ve been a hell of a night.”

  “MedSoc party? Goes with the territory. She was a bit worse for wear when Ollie brought her home.”

  What the hell? “Ollie?”

  Abby pulls her eyebrows together and gives me an incredulous look. “Surely you’d rather her friend bring her home than some stranger?”

  Her emphasis on the word friend indicates she’s telling me something. Something like: stop being so bloody possessive.

  “Yeah.” I turn back to the kitchen and spoon the coffee into the mugs.

  On the way through to see Ness, I pause to hand Abby her coffee and she touches my hand. “Don’t blow things between the two of you by being a dickhead about her having male friends. Ness has always preferred guys to girls.”

  I consider replying, but carry on upstairs instead.

  Only the top of Ness’s head is visible, brown hair on her pillow. Her curtains are drawn and she doesn’t respond to me entering the room.

  “Hey, party animal!”

  A muffled response, then silence.

  I cross to the bed and poke her through the bedding. “It’s eleven am. I came back early just to see you and look at you!”

  “I feel sick,” mutters the shapeless huddle in the bed.

  Stifling a laugh, I stroke her head. “Poor Ness. Did you have fun?”

  She turns over in bed, face pale and damp hair tangled. “Sorry, Evan. I want to sleep. I won’t be much company.”

  I’m not sure whether to be amused by the state she’s in, or pissed off because she’s telling me to go away. But I know what it’s like to feel like crap after a night out. Plus, I could’ve been with her, and I don’t want to start an argument on the subject again.

  “Have you eaten anything?”

  “No, don’t think I can.”

  “I’ll get you some toast. Then I’ll leave you alone.” Even though I picture myself in bed with the semi-naked Ness, I know there’s no point going there.

  I’m in the kitchen again, buttering Ness’s toast, when someone knocks on the door.

  “Get the door will you, Evan?” asks Abby.

  “Why? Do your legs not function when you have a cold?” I call.

  “It might be Jared. I need to get changed!” Abby’s footsteps disappearing upstairs tell me I’m answering the door.

  I open the door and Ollie is on the step. His eyes widen and I scrutinize his face; what for, I’m not sure. He also looks hung-over, but not half-dead like Ness.

  “Oh. Hey. I just came over to see how Ness is after last night.”

  “In bed.”

  Something I’m not aware of hides in Ollie’s look as he breaks mine and switches to Abby, who’s returned downstairs.

  “Evan, move. Let him in.” I step back and he brushes past me. “Jared with you?”

  Ollie pulls his mouth into a sympathetic apology. “No. Sorry.”

  “Oh?” Abby’s shoulders droop. “Is he hung-over?”

  “Something like, yeah.” Interestingly, Ollie won’t look her in the eyes.

  This amuses me, his words very familiar. The same excuse I’ve made for Matt countless times. And Matt for me before Ness was in my life. Poor Abby. I head back to the kitchen to finish making Ness’s toast, fighting the stupid thoughts pushing into my mind. Why is Ollie here? Does he often come over when I’m away?

  From the doorway, I watch a dejected Abby stomp upstairs.

  “Good night last night?” I ask Ollie, attempting a nonchalant tone.

  Ollie sits on the sofa and shifts against the cushions, not meeting my eyes. My suspicion arouses further. “Not bad.”

  “Abby says you brought Ness home. Thanks for looking after her.” I want to ask how long he stayed, what they did.

  Leaning forward, putting his elbows on his knees, Ollie narrows his eyes. “She’s okay, yeah?”

  “Okay?”

  “Oh. She didn’t say.” He rubs his mouth with his fingers.

  What the hell is this? A thousand thoughts tumble into my mind. Ness. Ollie. Me. Us. Mum. Lucy. Shit, did I just think Mum? “Say what? I haven’t really spoken to her yet.”

  Ollie keeps his fingers at the corner of his mouth. “Did she say anything about what happened last night?”

  Every muscle in my body tenses, dreading what he’s going to say. “Why? What did you do?”

  “I didn’t do anything apart from help her.”

  Ness needed help. I wasn’t there. And I don’t believe him. “Help with what?”

  Ollie’s look meets mine, but I can’t read his expression. What the fuck is going on? “Talk to her. Sorry, I didn’t know you’d be back, which is why I checked on her.”

  Ollie stands and I move closer. “Help with what?” An uneasy coldness trickles into my veins.

  “She got drunk and needed help getting home. I brought her home. That’s all.”

  He’s lying. I know enough about people to spot when they’re hiding something – his constantly shifting look and uneasiness around me. “That’s all?”

  Ollie sighs as if I’m a child. “I’m not interested in getting between the two of you. So please back off with the attitude. She’s my friend. I helped her when you weren’t there.”

  Ollie’s words sting, and the hard look he’s giving me suggests he chose them deliberately. Yeah, I bet Ollie really enjoyed the fact I wasn’t there. I want to push this, tell him I’m sure something more than he’s letting on happened, but I’m scared of what he might tell me.

  “I should go. Tell Ness I came by.” Ollie walks to the door and pulls it open. Before he leaves, he turns and fixes a strange look on me. “Don’t suffocate her. She won’t stay around.”

  The door closes behind him before I can respond. Something happened. Between them. All because I chose to help Lucy. Have we drifted that far already? Well, I’ve got no one to blame but myself.

  In a daze, I finish Ness’s toast and return upstairs. Ness is asleep; when I attempt to shake her awake, she pushes her head into the pillow and murmurs in her sleep.

  My heart thumps against my chest, heart tearing at the thought she might not want to be mine anymore.

  Chapter Ten

  EVAN

  Ness is busy until Wednesday, and every day that I don’t see her, Ollie’s words eat at me further. The walls close in around me. There’s so much emotional shit I can’t cope with all at once - Lucy, mum - and now whatever is going on with Ness. Ness calls a few times, but we don’t chat beyond the usual light-hearted ‘how was your day?’ stuff, and she tells me she’s busy. I know she studies most weekdays, but sometimes I want to be with her. Like now, I really need to see her. When I suggest a quick visit one evening because we missed our Sunday date, she refuses. The insecurity mounts, as does my certainty something’s going on with her and Ollie.

  So I call at Ness’s house anyway. I figure since it’s nine pm, she’ll be home. If Ness tells me she’s studying, fine. If not, I have a bottle of wine to share.

  I just want to see if he’s with her.

  A surprised Abby opens the door when I knock. Her hair is tangled and face flushed. “Evan!”

  “Is Ness home?”

  Abby buttons up the top of her shirt and I figure she has company. “No. She’s out. Studying late. Were you supposed to meet her?”

  Heat crawls across the skin on my back. “No, I thought I’d surprise her. I haven’t seen her since the weekend.”

  “She’s been studying a lot. Has a big assignment due. Be glad you haven’t been around her; she’s being a real pain.”

  “Who is it, babe?” I recognize the voice coming from the room behind her.

  “It’s Evan.” Abby opens the door a little. “Do you want to come in and wait for her?”

  I step into the house. Jared is stretched on the sofa, beer in hand, and he holds the bottle up in a toast. “Oh, hey Evan! Ness won’t be long. Have a beer with us.”

  The look on Abby’s face suggests she doesn’t want company, so I decline.
/>   “I’m sure she and Ollie will be back soon.”

  I shift my look to Abby. “Ollie?”

  “They’re studying,” calls Jared.

  Something grips my chest. Abby and Jared. Ness and Ollie? “Not joining them?” I ask, trying to sound light-hearted.

  “Nah. Better things to do with my time.” He winks at Abby.

  “I should go.” I step backwards to the door. Then I pause. “Abby, is Ness avoiding me?”

  “She’s only studying, Evan. That’s all.”

  I lower my voice so Jared can’t hear. “Is she okay? Is something wrong?”

  Abby worries on her lip. “Ness does this sometimes when she’s stressed. Throws herself into things and loses sight of those around her. It’s nothing to do with Ollie.”

  “Why do you feel the need to tell me that?”

  Her eyes widen at my sharp tone. “Because she mentioned how you feel about Ollie. If you wait…”

  “No.” If she came home with Ollie, I don’t think I could cope.

  I’m confused. What is Ness stressed about that’s making her close me out?

  ***

  The next day, Matt persuades me it’s time we have an Evan and Matt session in the Union. The way I’m feeling, I’m happy to start at lunch. He’s hassled me for weeks, accusing me of being under Ness’s thumb, and finally pokes through to the old Evan. The one who sits in the Union knocking back beers. Numbing himself.

  Almost, but not quite the old Evan – girls are off the agenda.

  The beer glasses stack up on the table and I don’t realize how many I’ve had, keeping Matt’s drinking pace. Too many. I need to stop or I won’t be able to walk home.

  “We should do this more,” says Matt.

  “Yeah. I guess.”

  “Remember last year? Fucking awesome nights out; we got so wasted.”

  “Yeah, some good times.” I drain the contents of my glass.

  “You not allowed to take part in our legendary nights out anymore? Princess Home Counties not allow it?”

  Ness’s name hasn’t come up all afternoon. I’m not discussing my problems with Matt. We never do. Besides, I can’t escape if all I do is think about her. “Ness wouldn’t tell me what to do.”