An Evening with Johnners

by Brian Johnston

  We are now instructed to inform you that our clients hold the Corporation (BBC) liable for:

  (a) Their personal injuries.

  (b) The loss of the aquarium and various exotic fish collected over several years.

  (c) The damage to the Persian rug.

  (d) Damage to the electrical installation and burglar alarm.

  (e) Death of the cat.

  However, they are prepared to settle all claims for damages in respect of the above provided that you supply them with a recording of the discussion between Mr Johnston and Mr Agnew, together with an undertaking from Mr Johnston and Mr Agnew that they will not in future discuss Mr Botham’s footwork or lack of it, while Mr and Mrs Painter are decorating their property.

  Yours faithfully,

  Heffrons.

  I am happy to report that the Painters received their tape.

  Index

  Adelaide 1

  Adie, Diana 1

  Agnew, Jonathan ‘Aggers’ and ‘leg-over’ giggle 1, 2, 3

  Alexander, Tony 1

  Alexandra, Queen 1

  Allen, Chesney 1

  Allen, David 1

  Ambrose, Curtly 1

  Ames, Les 1

  Ampleforth School 1

  An Evening with Johnners audio cassette 1 nationwide tour 1, 2, 3

  An Hour with Johnners 1

  Anne, Queen 1

  Annie Get Your Gun 1

  Ark Royal, HMS 1

  Arlott, John 1

  last broadcast 1

  and streaker at Lord’s 1

  Arundel 1

  Ashes, The 1

  Asif Masood 1

  Askey, Arthur 1

  Athenaeum Club 1

  Australia 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

  Australian cricket team 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,

  and ‘Botham’s Match’ 1, 2

  Bailey, Trevor 1

  Barrington, Ken 1

  Baxter, Peter 1, 2, 3

  BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

  BJ joins 1, 2

  and Lord Reith 1

  and solicitor’s letter 1

  Bedser, Sir Alec 1

  Benaud, Richie 1, 2, 3, 4

  Binks, Jimmy 1

  Birkett, Lord Justice 1

  Blofeld, Henry ‘Blowers’ 1, 2

  and buses 1

  Boat Race, The 1, 2

  Boat Show, The 1

  Booth, Richard 1

  Botham, Sir Ian 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  Bowie, David 1

  Boycott, Geoffrey 1, 2

  Bradman, Sir Donald 1, 2, 3

  and short-sighted umpire 1

  Brearley, Michael 1

  Brewster, Mrs Emily 1

  Brinsworth House 1

  Britannia, HMY 1

  Brown, Freddie 1

  Burke, Jimmy 1

  cakes 1

  Cambridge University 1, 2

  Cardus, Sir Neville 1

  Cargill, Patrick 1

  Carousel 1

  Carson, Frank 1

  Chamber of Horrors 1, 2

  Charles, Prince of Wales 1, 2

  Chichester Festival Theatre 1

  Chiswick Empire 1

  Churchill, Sir Winston 1

  Close, Brian

  hit on the head 1

  and ugly baby 1, 2

  Compton, Denis 1

  Copson, Bill 1

  Cowdrey, Colin, later Lord 1

  Crawford, Tom 1

  Crazy Gang, The 1

  Crippen, Dr Hawley 1

  Curtis, Alan 1

  Dad’s Army 1

  Davis, ‘Dabber’ 1

  Davis, ‘Mad’ Johnny 1

  DeFreitas, Phil 1

  Derbyshire CCC 1

  Desert Island Discs 1

  Design (vocal group) 1

  Dexter, Ted 1

  Dilley, Graham 1

  Dimbleby, Richard 1, 2, 3

  Dooland, Bruce 1

  Douglas-Home, Sir Alec, later Lord Home 1

  Douglas-Home, Henry 1

  Douglas Home, William 1, 2

  Down Your Way 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  BJ takes over 1

  eccentric characters 1, 2, 3

  and the rat catcher 1, 2

  funny stories 1

  BJ’s final programme at Lord’s 1

  Dragon School, Oxford 1

  Dujon, Jeff 1

  Duncan, Peter 1, 2, 3

  Edward VII, King 1

  Edwards, Jimmy 1, 2

  Elizabeth II, Queen 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

  and Windsor Greys 1

  sends birthday telegram 1

  Elizabeth the Queen Mother, Queen 1, 2, 3

  launches Ark Royal 1

  visits hospital 1

  Ellison, John 1

  EMI Records 1

  Englemann, Franklin 1, 2

  Eton College 1, 2, 3

  Evans, Godfrey 1, 2

  Evening with Brian Johnston 1

  Fingleton, Jack 1

  Flanagan, Bud 1, 2

  Fox, Uffa 1

  Francome, Johnny 1

  Frindall, Bill ‘The Bearded Wonder’ 1, 2, 3, 4 dressed as an Arab 1

  Gail, Zoe 1

  George VI, King 1, 2

  funeral 1, 2

  Gilliat, Sir Martin 1

  Gloucestershire CCC 1

  Godbold, Roger 1

  Golden Arrow 1

  Gooch, Graham 1

  Gower, David 1

  Grace, W.G. 1

  Gregg, Hubert 1

  Grenadier Guards 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  Griffith, Charlie 1

  Gupta, Pankaj 1

  Hall, Wes 1

  Hampshire CCC 1

  Hampshire Regiment 1

  Harcourt-Smith, Lieutenant 1

  Harding, Gilbert 1

  Harding, Norman 1

  Harringay Circus 1

  Harvey, Neil 1

  Hassett, Lindsay 1

  Hawth Theatre, Crawley 1

  Haynes, Desmond 1

  Headingley 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  Heald, Tim 1

  Heffrons 1, 2

  Help the Aged 1

  Hever Castle 1

  Hibberd, Stuart 1

  Hitchcock, Joe 1

  Holding, Michael 1

  Home, Lord (see Douglas-Home, Alec)

  Horseguards, Whitehall 1

  Horton, Henry 1

  Hudson, Robert 1

  Hutton, Sir Len 1, 2

  Hylton, Jack 1

  I Zingari 1

  Illingworth, Ray 1, 2, 3

  relieves himself 1

  India 1, 2, 3

  Indian cricket team 1, 2, 3, 4

  In Town Tonight 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  BJ in Chamber of Horrors 1, 2

  on stage with Crazy Gang 1

  lies under Golden Arrow 1, 2, 3

  hypnotised 1

  and the Piccadilly Incident 1

  rides on circus horse 1, 2

  lifted up by strongwoman 1, 2

  on motorbike through barrels 1

  turns lights on in Piccadilly Circus 1

  Jockey Club 1

  John, Sir Elton 1

  Johnston, Barry 1, 2, 3

  Johnston, Brian ‘Johnners’

  and family 1

  at Temple Grove 1

  at Eton 1

  at Oxford 1

  in the City 1, 2, 3

  at Sandhurst 1

  in Grenadier Guards 1, 2

  joins the BBC 1, 2

  first broadcast 1

  and cricket commentary 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

  on In Town Tonight 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  on Down Your Way 1, 2, 3, 4

  at Prince of Wales’

  wedding 1, 2

  and ‘leg-over’ giggle 1, 2, 3, 4

  suffers heart attack 1, 2

  Kent 1, 2

  Kent CCC 1, 2, 3

  Kent, Duke of 1

  Ladbrokes 1

  Laker, Jim 1, 2

  Langtry, Lillie 1

  Lawrence, Da
vid ‘Syd’ 1, 2

  Leicestershire CCC 1

  ‘Let’s Go Somewhere’ 1

  Levett, W.H.V. ‘Hopper’ 1

  Lewis, Chris 1

  Lillee, Dennis 1

  Lindwall, Ray 1

  Lions Clubs 1

  Lloyd-Webber, Andrew, later

  Lord 1

  Lock, Tony 1

  Lock-Spicer, Sir Ben 1

  London Palladium 1

  Lord’s Cricket Ground 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

  Denis Compton’s birthday 1

  Jim Swanton elected Pope 1

  and male streaker 1

  Warr’s declared 1

  Lush, Ernest 1

  McGilvray, Alan and chocolate cake 1

  McInnes, Mel 1

  MacPherson, Stewart 1, 2, 3

  Madame Tussauds 1

  Mahon, Patrick 1

  Margaret, Princess 1, 2

  Marlowe Theatre, Canterbury 1

  Marsh, Rodney 1

  Martin-Jenkins, Christopher 1

  Marx, Groucho 1

  May, Peter 1

  MCC (Marylebone Cricket Club) 1

  and Duke of Norfolk 1

  Meadows (the butler) 1

  Meals on Wheels 1

  Middlesex CCC 1, 2

  Miller, Keith 1, 2

  Miller, Max 1

  Mosey, Don ‘The Alderman’ 1

  Mothers’ Union 1

  New College, Oxford 1

  New Zealand cricket team meet the Queen 1 Turner has one ball left 1

  Norfolk, Bernard, 16th Duke of 1, 2

  Norway, Queen of 1

  Oklahoma 1

  Old, Chris 1

  Oldridge, Nicholas 1

  Old Trafford 1

  O’Reilly, Bill 1

  Orr-Ewing, Ian, later Lord 1

  Oval, The 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

  Oxford University 1, 2, 3

  Painter, Wally and Dolly 1, 2

  Patterson, Patrick 1

  Philip, Prince, Duke of

  Edinburgh 1, 2, 3, 4

  Pick of the Week 1

  Playhouse Theatre, Salisbury 1

  Plomley, Roy 1

  radio, BJ on

  Boat Race, The 1, 2

  Down Your Way 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  In Town Tonight 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  Married to Fame 1

  Meet a Sportsman 1

  Round the Halls 1

  Sporting Chance 1, 2

  Test Match Special 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13

  Today 1

  Trivia Test Match 1, 2

  Twenty Questions 1

  Reith, Sir John, later Lord 1

  Rhodes, Joan 1, 2

  Richardson, Peter 1

  Richmond Theatre 1

  Riddell, Henry 1

  Robertson, Max 1

  Rotary Clubs 1

  Round Table 1

  Royal Variety Performance 1

  Russell, Audrey 1

  St Paul’s Cathedral 1

  Sandhurst 1

  Scudamore, Peter 1

  Sevenoaks Festival 1

  Sharpe, Phil 1

  Smith, Berkeley 1

  Smith, George 1

  Snagge, John 1, 2

  South Pacific 1

  Spencer, Lady Diana, later

  Princess of Wales 1

  Spencer, John, 8th Earl 1

  Sports Personality of the Year 1

  streaker at Lord’s 1

  Sun Life Stanshawe Band 1

  Sussex CCC 1

  sitting on a shooting stick 1

  Sussex Martlets Cricket Club 1

  Swanton, E.W. ‘Jim’ 1

  elected Pope 1

  Talkies Awards 1

  television, BJ on 1, 2

  All Your Own 1

  Ask Your Dad 1

  cricket commentary 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

  state occasions 1, 2

  What’s New 1

  Temple Grove Preparatory School 1

  Test Match Special 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

  commentators 1, 2

  listeners’ letters 1, 2, 3, 4

  broadcasting gaffes 1, 2

  the bowler’s Holding … 1

  the ‘leg-over’ giggle 1, 2, 3, 4

  Theatre Royal, Windsor 1

  The Happiest Days of Your Life 1

  Titmus, Fred 1

  Tribe, George 1

  Trinder, Tommy 1, 2

  Trinity College Oxford 1

  Trueman, Fred 1, 2, 3

  Test Match Special jokes 1, 2, 3

  as fast bowler 1, 2

  Tufnell, Phil 1

  Turner, Glenn 1

  UB40 1

  umpires 1

  in Australia 1

  Duke of Norfolk’s butler 1

  and village cricket 1

  Vanguard, HMS 1

  Vaughan-Thomas, Wynford 1, 2, 3

  Victoria Palace 1

  Victoria, Queen 1

  Walsh, Courtney 1

  Ward, Alan 1

  Warr, John 1

  Watts, Jeff 1, 2, 3, 4

  Wellington Barracks 1

  West, Peter 1

  West Indies cricket team 1, 2, 3, 4

  What’s My Line 1

  Wilhelmina, Queen 1

  Willey, Peter 1

  Willis, Bob 1

  Wodehouse, Sir P.G. 1

  Wogan, Sir Terry 1

  Women’s Institute 1

  Wong, Anna May 1

  Woodcock, John ‘Wooders’ 1

  Woodfull, Bill 1

  Yardley, Norman 1, 2

  York, Archbishop of 1

  Yorkshire CCC 1, 2, 3

  Yorkshire Gentlemen XI 1

  Young, Martin 1

  By the Same Authors

  Letters Home 1926–1945

  A Delicious Slice of Johnners

  Another Slice of Johnners

  A Further Slice of Johnners

  Also By Barry Johnston

  Johnners: The Life of Brian

  Round Mr Horne: The Life of Kenneth Horne

  The Wit of Cricket

  The Wit of Golf

  Also By Brian Johnston

  Let’s Go Somewhere

  Stumped for a Tale

  The Wit of Cricket

  Armchair Cricket

  It’s Been a Lot of Fun

  It’s a Funny Game

  Rain Stops Play

  Brian Johnston’s Guide to Cricket

  Chatterboxes

  Now Here’s a Funny Thing

  It’s Been a Piece of Cake

  The Tale of Billy Bouncer (with Tony Hart)

  Brian Johnston’s Down Your Way

  Forty-five Summers

  Someone Who Was

  I Say, I Say, I Say

  Views from the Boundary (with Peter Baxter)

  More Views from the Boundary (with Peter Baxter)

  Copyright

  Copyright © 2012 the Estate of Brian Johnston

  Introduction © 2012 Barry Johnston

  First published in the UK in 1996

  by Partridge Press, a division of Transworld Publishers Ltd

  This edition published in the UK in 2012

  by Quiller, an imprint of Quiller Publishing Ltd

  British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

  A catalogue record for this book

  is available from the British Library

  ISBN 978 1 84689 169 4

  The right of Barry Johnston to be identified as the editor of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patent Act 1988

  The information in this book is true and complete to the best of our knowledge. All recommendations are made without any guarantee on the part of the Publisher, who also disclaims any liability incurred in connection with the use of this data or specific details.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system,
without permission from the Publisher in writing.

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