Gracie

by Marie Maxwell

  As she had been told, she unpacked the limited contents of her small suitcase and laid them out on the bench before undressing down to her underwear and sitting alongside them in her bra, vest and knickers, none of which fitted her anymore. She felt like a child back at school as she sat quietly and waited, aware that compliancy was the best option if she wanted to get through her time there.

  It seemed like hours before a different nun arrived, by which time Gracie was shivering uncontrollably and terrified, but this one was more kindly and stated that she had nursing training, before asking a few questions. Some of the questions were intimate but Gracie quickly realised that the young nun was more embarrassed than she was and that made it slightly easier for her. She whipped the cloth off the tray which held a few medical instruments and a clipboard on which she wrote Gracie’s name in large letters, before scribbling down some other details that Gracie couldn’t read.

  After the questions the kindly nun handed her a grey itchy blanket to wrap around herself and then very superficially examined her before making some more notes. Then she read aloud the rules of the convent that applied to everyone, and which were to be obeyed at all times.

  After this, she handed Gracie a coverall ankle-length navy blue smock with a high neck and wrist-length sleeves, three pairs of navy blue knickers, two large vests and a pair of ill-fitting lace-up shoes. The final item, which had very nearly made Gracie laugh, was a pair of muddy coloured and well-darned thick lisle stockings, with nothing to hold them up.

  ‘This will be your uniform while you are here. Your own clothes are to be packed away and the case handed over to Sister in charge of your dormitory. You can use your own toothbrush if you have one but everything else is shared.’

  ‘Yes, Sister,’ Gracie answered respectfully as she had been instructed. The nun was a young woman who was probably not much older than herself, and Gracie tried not to stare at her, but her natural curiosity made her watch surreptitiously and wonder what would have made her take such a drastic step. The nun’s face was expressionless but her voice was gentle as she examined Gracie and gave her the instructions and timetable that went along with life at St Angela’s.

  When she left, locking the door behind her, Gracie put the clothes on, sat back down on the bench and waited again. She closed her hands into fists and forced her fingernails into her palms, determined not to shed a single tear while she was there.

  A different nun again came to take Gracie through the main building, to a part of the house that had been divided into two large dormitories.

  ‘You will be in this dormitory as you are so advanced. I am the nun in charge and if you abide by the rules then your time here will pass far quicker than if you get it into your head to go against me. You have to remember, your behaviour brought you here, not us.’

  Gracie studied her face as she spoke and decided that she would probably be fair. Firm but fair.

  ‘This is where you will sleep,’ she said, pointing to a narrow iron bedstead with a thin mattress and a pillow and two blankets stacked at the end of it. ‘You can put your prayer book on the table, if you have one.’

  ‘Yes, Sister,’ Gracie said meekly.

  There were five beds on each side of the dormitory; two beds were either side of her own and beside each was a hook on the wall and a six-inch wide table with two small drawers underneath. All the tables were bare and all that hung on the hooks was one change of clothes. It was a sparse, cold space which was immaculately clean, tidy and antiseptic. The dormitory that was to be her home for the duration housed ten young women, all in similar stages of pregnancy, and who had mostly been banished by their families in an attempt to hide the shame that an illegitimate birth would bring. There was another dormitory on the opposite side of the building but for some reason that nobody knew, the two groups weren’t allowed to mix.

  Whispered conversation in Gracie’s dormitory told an assortment of stories of girls who had either been led astray or raped but the single word that applied to them all was ‘shame’; either their own, or that of their parents.

  The nuns and the devout auxiliaries at St Angela’s weren’t cruel as such but they were harsh and unforgiving of the circumstances in which the girls in their care found themselves, so the day was spent in a mixture of housework, cooking and prayer, with a designated rest hour in the afternoon to ‘keep their strength up for the ordeal of childbirth’.

  There was little opportunity to make friends as there was a constant changeover of the women of all ages who were there and who mostly remained until six weeks after the birth.

  Like many of them there, Gracie accepted her situation because she knew that her mother wasn’t prepared to have her at home or send her away to distant relatives, as was sometimes the case in large families. She had no choices.

  But Gracie had been lucky in that when Father Thomas had taken her to St Angela’s, she was already eight months pregnant, so she had spent just a few weeks in the home before being sent to the maternity hospital because of complications which had resulted in a long and hard labour.

  Some of the young women spent as long as three months at the home before the birth and up to six weeks after under the care of the nuns, working and praying, hidden away from the world as if they were criminals. Everything possible was dealt with inside the dark and depressing building and on the rare occasions they were allowed outside unaccompanied, the furthest they could go was the ivy-clad brick wall that enclosed the property, shielding it from outside eyes. If they needed to venture further for whatever reason they were accompanied by a nun and had to walk in silence, with their hands clasped and their eyes downcast.

  When Gracie’s time finally came she had baulked at going to hospital, especially after hearing how other girls had been treated there, but there had been no choice. At St Angela’s there was no choice in anything. It was like being in prison and being punished for the sin of having sex and falling pregnant outside marriage. Being coerced and deceived was no excuse in the eyes of the nuns and visiting priests.

  A couple of girls who came in at around the same time as Gracie had been defiant and tried to fight the system but as she watched their misery after punishment Gracie knew it was a useless fight. The parents and the nuns would win in the end, they always did.

  But as luck would have it, having to go to the maternity hospital turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to Gracie, because it was there that she had met and become close friends with Ruby Blakeley, who was in a similar situation: young, pregnant and unmarried, and mother to a baby that would be given up.

  It had been a lucky meeting because Ruby’s billeting family from her time in evacuation had been regular visitors and had witnessed how the nurses were so hard on Gracie because of her being from St Angela’s. George Wheaton was a doctor and had intervened forcefully on her behalf, making her hospital stay a little better.

  But they had no power over the nuns at the home where she was supposed to go on discharge for another six weeks, which would be spent caring for, feeding and bonding with the baby that would then be taken from her and given to someone else anyway.

  Knowing she had no choice but to give her baby up, Gracie was determined not to go back to the home and have to suffer any further indignity. When her last day in the hospital had come around, she’d calmly done everything she was asked, signed everything she had to sign and then, when no one was watching, had slipped out, leaving her baby there for his inevitable adoption.

  She walked out of the hospital, wearing the clothes she had been wearing when she first went to St Angela’s, and walked all the way back to the family home in Westcliff.

  Her mother was mortified that she had been disobedient to the nuns and had told her so, in no uncertain terms, so Gracie had turned around and walked out again.

  THIRTEEN

  When Gracie woke up she was so disorientated it took her a few moments to get herself together, but when she heard clattering coming from the kitche
n she remembered. Jeanette.

  She closed her eyes again and thought about what her sister had proposed.

  The thought of Jeanette staying with them and being around every single day was daunting, but because she felt constantly tired and under the weather Gracie also liked the idea of having someone else in the flat to help out, giving her the chance to rest at home. If Jeanette was in the spare room for a couple of months and paying her way then she could do just that and there would be the added advantage of it being a deterrent to the mother-in-law. She decided she would put it to Sean and see what he thought.

  Jeanette had completely prepared the dinner while she was asleep on the sofa, so Gracie had little choice but to invite her to stay and join them.

  ‘Well, that was tasty …’ Sean said as he put down his knife and fork and looked from one to the other. The three of them had spent the meal chatting and Gracie found she had enjoyed having her sister there. She was a third person to keep the conversation moving when Sean was off in one of his trances, his favourite way of avoiding interacting with his wife.

  ‘Gracie prepared it but I cooked it …’ Jeanette said with a grin. ‘She wanted to put her feet up as it was her day off and she was feeling a bit poorly so I offered to help. I’m quite domesticated sometimes.’

  ‘Gracie’s always wanting to be putting her feet up nowadays,’ Sean replied, as if his wife wasn’t there. ‘I never knew anyone make so much fuss over being in the family way. It’s not an illness for pity’s sake, it’s perfectly natural.’

  ‘Don’t be like that,’ Jeanette said lightly. ‘She’s doing her best, it must be hard to do everything when you’re expecting and you’ve got fat ankles.’

  ‘That’s nonsense and I’ve never heard any excuse like it,’ Sean said, his irritation at his wife undisguised. ‘What about the women who have four, five, six children, one after the other? Gracie has an easy job at Thamesview doing whatever she wants and no other children at home. How can that be doing her best?’

  Gracie wanted to respond but she was once again feeling light-headed and detached and simply couldn’t be bothered. She’d heard it all before from Sean, who was turning out to be intolerant in a way she could never have imagined. The genial young man who said he loved her had morphed into a snappy bad-tempered grump in the course of a few short months, and it bewildered her.

  ‘Some of us are more fragile than others,’ Jeanette said with a casual shrug.

  ‘You can say that again,’ Sean said sullenly, without looking at either Gracie or her sister.

  ‘I was talking to Gracie before you came in,’ Jeanette said brightly, ‘and, now that my engagement is officially off, and Mum and Jen are cheesed off with me, how about I become your lodger? I could help Gracie with the housework and cooking, that’d make it easier for you, and I can pay rent to help out when she gives up work, help towards your rent and all that.’

  Gracie peered up through her eyelashes and could see from his expression and his silence that Sean was considering it.

  Once they were married and living together it had surprised Gracie how dependent and demanding her new husband actually was. He wanted everything doing for him, as per the list his mother had given Gracie just before the wedding. Everything had to be just right, the way his mother had always done it, and probably her mother before that.

  It had never occurred to Gracie that someone who had lived away from home for so long would be so set in his views on how a wife should be, but that was just how Sean had turned out to be.

  For the first few months of their marriage Gracie had loved playing house in their new home and looking after her new husband, but once she was pregnant she had anticipated a little consideration from him, especially in the bedroom. However, Sean was focused on his own needs only.

  All his kindly little ways, the compliments and the generosity of spirit that had attracted her to him seemed to have faded away after she became his wife. As she had grown larger, so he had become more distant and deprecating by the day.

  ‘So, what do you think then, Gracie? Should we let Jeannie come and stay here with us until the baby comes?’ His voice snapped her back from her thoughts.

  ‘If you think so; maybe it might help. I have to stop working very soon, it’s not fair on Ruby having to carry me, so the money will help towards the rent …’ Gracie smiled at him and touched the back of his hand. ‘It won’t be long now, and then we’ll have our baby and everything can get back to normal. I’m really sorry I’ve been so useless over the past few months.’

  Sean smiled back in acknowledgement but it was fleeting and without affection. Then he swiftly looked across at Jeanette, who was looking expectantly from one to the other.

  ‘Okay, you can have the spare room but only until the baby comes and then my mother will be coming to stay,’ Sean said forcefully. ‘And of course you have to pay rent and help Gracie out around the flat. No rent, and I’ll be chucking you out myself right away.’

  ‘Oh, thank you both so much.’ Jeanette jumped up from her chair, laughed and clapped her hands theatrically. ‘I’ll move in tomorrow! I’ll go back tonight and tell Mum and Dad. Jen’ll be pleased to get me out of home and get the bedroom to herself! And of course she’ll love having Mum to herself as well. Those two deserve each other. Bitches, both of them!’

  ‘One more thing …’ Sean said quickly. ‘We don’t want you around us all the time. You’ll just be the lodger.’

  ‘You won’t know I’m here, Sean,’ Jeannie winked.

  Gracie smiled and pushed to the back of her mind the niggling feeling she had that it could all end in tears and another family feud, instead concentrating on how much the extra rent would help. She told herself it would only be for a couple of months, and if it helped her keep Sean happy in the meantime, then it would be worth it.

  ‘Have you seen Jennifer lately?’ Jeanette asked them both as she cleared the table. ‘She is so furious with me but I don’t see why, she’ll have the wedding all to herself now. She and Mum can plot away to their hearts’ content.’

  ‘I’ve not seen her for a while,’ Gracie replied. ‘And probably won’t now you’re here. She’ll take a few weeks to calm down and then she’ll be back to normal. Quiet.’

  ‘You mean boring …’

  The two sisters laughed together. It was just a gentle bit of amusement, with no malice intended, but Sean looked annoyed as he pushed his chair back and stood up. ‘If you two are going to chatter on then I’m going to the pub. It’s like being in the room with a pair of budgerigars in a cage.’ Then he looked at Jeanette. ‘But it was a grand dinner, Jeannie – you should be training Gracie …’

  As the door closed behind him Gracie and Jeanette looked at each other, open-mouthed.

  ‘What’s wrong with him?’ Jeannie asked. ‘Does his mood always turn on a sixpence?’

  ‘It’s my fault,’ Gracie said. ‘I seem to do everything cack-handed lately.’

  ‘Give over … It’s not your fault you’re off-colour and that little strop was uncalled for. He was digging and digging away at you tonight, it’s not right.’

  ‘He’s just overworked …’ Gracie said, but as she defended Sean and his behaviour she couldn’t help thinking about Ruby’s ex-boyfriend Tony, the abusive and controlling man her friend had so nearly married before Johnnie had come back into her life. Gracie had disliked him from the word go but Ruby had been too blind to see him as he was and had tried hard to convince Gracie that he was just a bit misunderstood. It had taken a major fight, in which Ruby was really hurt, to make her see sense.

  She really hoped she wasn’t being as blind as Ruby had been but there was something very wrong with the way Sean was behaving, and she had no idea what it was. All Gracie knew was that something had changed.

  FOURTEEN

  Gracie and Ruby were sitting opposite each other, with a pot of tea on the table between them and a cream cake each. To avoid Ruby getting caught up in hotel business, the two young women
had agreed to meet up in town away from the hotel and all its distractions, and they had both arrived at the same time at the agreed spot outside Keddies, the big department store in Southend High Street.

  After some slow-paced window shopping around the store, they had gone up to the restaurant so Gracie could take her weight off her already aching feet. Feeling frumpy and self-conscious alongside her friend, she pulled her coat tightly around her hard-to-hide bump and settled down into her chair as low as she could to try and hide. But she was still painfully aware of how dishevelled she looked compared to her friend.

  Ruby was tall and shapely with dark auburn curls, an air of self-confidence and the ability to look classy under any circumstances, which had come about as a result of her happy years in evacuation with George and Babs Wheaton, the village GP and his wife.

  Gracie loved her friend dearly but she sometimes felt a tinge of natural envy that Ruby had been given the opportunity to break free from her dysfunctional family in London and make something of herself.

  It had only been a couple of weeks since Gracie had had to give up working at the Thamesview on doctor’s orders, but already she was starting to feel bored and excluded from her old life. She hadn’t anticipated how much she would miss her job, until about the third day of being at home, when she realised she had no one to talk to.

  Feeling so worn down by the pregnancy she had thought she wanted more relaxation time but instead she had ended up feeling like a lonely spare part in her own home. Jeanette was at work during the day and often out in the evenings, and Sean was working a lot of extra hours at the Palace to make up the shortfall in their income so instead of enjoying having more time to herself, Gracie found herself sitting around feeling bloated, tired and depressed. She understood why Sean wasn’t as attentive as he had been when she was slim, full of vitality and ready to party at the drop of a hat.

  ‘So go on, tell me about life as a lady of leisure …’ Ruby asked.