Ain't Happenin' (The Ballsy Boy Series Book 2)

by Shandi Boyes

  “You shooed away a bear?” I stutter when Lorenzo returns to my side, certain he must have fallen and hit his head during the impromptu football match this morning, otherwise what other excuse does he have for his bravery?

  His valor not only wants me to seal our deal by locking our lips, but I’m also considering sidestepping my suggested non-disclosure agreement, so we can get the party started now.

  “It was nothing. They’re just big dogs.”

  “Big dogs who can bitch-slap you to death…” My words trail off when Lorenzo bands his arm around my waist and guides me in the opposite direction everyone else is going. “Where are we going?” I attempt to dig my runners into the sloshy dirt when his brisk strides have us reaching the track the bear took mere minutes ago. “I don’t want to be eaten. The bear left hungry. If he’s anything like me when I’m hungry, he’ll be really mad.”

  “Like you would have been if he ripped my cock off?”

  My eyes whizz to Lorenzo’s. Since I’m not wearing heels, I have to look up—shockingly. “You heard that?”

  “Uh-huh.” He sounds as smug as fuck.

  “So, you’re taking me to the woods to commence our one-night stand? If that’s the case, the ‘stand’ part of the reference has no meaning whatsoever. I don’t even know why it’s there. Who fucks while standing?” I’m rambling because I’m nervous. It’s another one of my neurosis.

  “It’s called a one-night stand as they stand and leave once it’s done.”

  Lorenzo’s reply is straight-up honest. It doesn’t stop my stomach from swirling, though. “Oh… gross.”

  “But that’s not why I’m taking you to see the bear.”

  His confirmation has me fighting against him even harder.

  He just confirmed we’re going to see the bear, didn’t he?

  I stop slithering away from him like ice cream on a hot summer’s day when I notice the bear is ruffling the hair of another man as he did Joshua’s only minutes ago. Except this time, he doesn’t seem set to kill. He looks like he’s in love.

  “Nathaniel…” Lorenzo stops talking to clutch his chest like he’s standing in front of the Almighty himself. “The leftover sugared powder from a marshmallow bag worked to perfection.”

  The middle-aged man standing next to the bear laughs at the dramatic annunciation of Lorenzo’s words. “I told you it would. Percy loves marshmallows. Don’t you, Percy?”

  I shit my pants when the bear roars like he’s trained to do so on command. Then, not long later, the truth smacks into me.

  “You set Joshua up?” I turn my squinted eyes to Lorenzo. “Why would you do that? He might have tossed you out of my bed last night, but scaring him to the point of crying for his momma is mean.”

  My scorn would be ten times more realistic if I could stop my chest from heaving in laughter. Now that I think about it, Joshua’s response was pretty funny. You’re more likely to die tripping over a stick in the forest than you are of being mauled by a bear.

  “I didn’t scare Joshua for what happened last night. It was for what he said about you this morning,” Lorenzo advises, walking me closer to Nathanial and Percy—the bear.

  My brow quirks. “Me? What did he say about me?”

  “It doesn’t matter. I just wanted you to know why I scared him, and that him peeing his pants was only part of his punishment.”

  I stop walking, which also halts Lorenzo’s long strides. “It does matter. If he said something about me, I have the right to know what he said.”

  He drops his gorgeous eyes to mine before shaking his head. “No.”

  “Why not? I’m a big girl. I can handle it.” I don’t sound like a big girl. I sound like a spoiled brat.

  Lorenzo commences walking again, dragging me along with him. “Because if what he says upsets you, he’ll have more than a black eye to contend with.”

  The truth jabs me in the ass like a wayward arrow. “Joshua didn’t get his black eye during a football game, did he? You gave it to him.”

  I thought Lorenzo’s smile was hot. It has nothing on his smug grin.

  “Did you split his lip, too?”

  His smirk droops. “No, but E assures me it was given in good faith.”

  I shouldn’t smile. I’m a terrible person for smiling, but I can’t help it. Knowing Lorenzo defended me already has my insides dancing, much less discovering a man I’ve admired for years also went to bat for me.

  “Now come and kiss a bear while Danny uploads Joshua’s ‘mommy cry’ to the World Wide Web.”

  I don’t know what to be shocked about first—the fact Danny was in the on the act too or that Lorenzo wants me to kiss a bear.

  After taking in the huge beast eyeing Lorenzo as if he’s cotton candy, I shift my eyes to Lorenzo. “And why exactly do I have to kiss a bear?”

  He flashes me a playful grin. “Because if you’re willing to kiss Percy, I might be able to convince you to kiss a less hairy beast sooner than I’m hoping.”

  “If you even have one-tenth of Percy’s fur, we’ll have more than an NDA to discuss.”

  Lorenzo laughs again. It has me acting so daft, I’m approaching a terrifying grizzly without the slightest bit of panic thickening my blood.

  I must be insane.

  “Really, what’s the bear-kissing thing about?”

  After accepting a giant marshmallow that would be perfect for s’mores from Nathaniel, Lorenzo twists his torso to face me. “I want to experience everything America has to offer.”

  “Kissing a bear is not a typical American experience.” My words are barely heard through my shock. It has my heart whacking my ribs so forcefully, I’m certain it’s seconds from jumping out of my chest cavity.

  “How am I to know that, amore mio? My tour guide declined my offer.” I’d whack him if I weren’t afraid of being mauled by Percy. His eyes are locked on Lorenzo, who just happens to be holding his favorite treat. “If my tour guide is willing to reconsider her objectives, I’m more than willing to take on her ideas on a typical American experience.”

  “You can’t bribe me to spend time with you, Shortie J. Besides, I thought the tour guide side of our negotiations was off the table. Don’t you want me for other reasons?” I stop jiggling my boobs when Lorenzo places the marshmallow between his teeth. “You’re not really going to kiss Percy, are you?”

  “Why not?” he mumbles through the sugary puff stuffed in his mouth. “I have nothing to lose.”

  “Except your life. This is both ludicrous and dangerous.”

  “You’re the only dangerous thing I’ve encountered stateside thus far, amore mio. It’s been so much fun, I’m willing to push the boundaries to see if I can secure a few more minutes.”

  “That’s the issue! I want more than minutes. If I didn’t, I’d stick with college guys.”

  My lunch makes its way from my stomach to my throat when Lorenzo steps closer to Percy, completely ignoring my attempt to goad him into an argument. If he’s arguing with me, he’s not kissing a bear.

  “Oh, God. I can’t watch.”

  I slap a hand over my eyes before prying apart my index and middle finger. My pulse spikes when Lorenzo leans over the concrete column separating him from a real-life bear before he puckers his lips.

  He’s going to do it.

  He’s going to kiss a bear all because I refused to show him what our great country has to offer.

  When Lorenzo brings his gorgeous face within an inch of an animal capable of destroying his cut jaw, plump lips, and deliciously scrumptious eyes, my nerves get the better of me. “Okay, I’ll go out with you! I’ll be your tour guide. I’ll do anything you want as long as you don’t do this!”

  The corners of Lorenzo’s lips quirk in victory a mere second before Percy’s tongue scoops the marshmallow out of his mouth with a hearty lick.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Lorenzo

  I stop fixing the cufflinks to my dress shirt when I detect I’m being watched. 69ers’ star qua
rterback, Presley Carlton, affectionally known as Elvis or E by his friends, has his shoulder propped against the doorframe of the main bathroom in the cabin. He’s smirking as he did when he pulled me off Joshua earlier today.

  I thought he’d be angry I punched one of his teammates, but he was too impressed I had the gall to go against a man double my size to be angry. I won’t repeat what Joshua said, but I will say, if his derogative comment were valid, I wouldn’t have needed to kiss a bear to get Skylar to agree to go on a date with me. I might ‘only play soccer,’ but I still wear a jersey.

  Apologizing to Joshua for his black eye so I could lace his hair with powdered sugar was worth the lie when he cried for his momma mere seconds after pissing his pants. He’ll be mortified when he discovers his reaction to Percy’s admiration is on every social media site for all to see.

  It serves him right. As far as I’m concerned, almost being mauled by a bear was on the low end of the scale for the punishments I was ruminating. If it weren’t for Willow suggesting for me to get inventive with my quest for revenge, Percy would have been sniffing out Joshua’s remains from a shallow ditch behind the cabin. That’s how much his comment pissed me off.

  Once my cufflinks are in place, I spin around to face Elvis. “Too much?”

  We only officially met this weekend, but even with him having the stats to be an A-grade coglione, he’s surprisingly down to earth. I think that has more to do with his girl than anything. She keeps him grounded while everyone around him inflates his gigantic head.

  “Unless you’re planning to get hitched tonight, I’d ditch the cufflinks.” He steps into the bathroom, swallowing up the last bit of space with his massive frame. I’ve never felt shorter than I do right now. “From the stories Willow has shared, Skylar isn’t into stiffs in suits, so I’d switch out your trousers for jeans as well.”

  “Wear jeans on a date? Are you simple?”

  Elvis backhands my chest, his laughter uncontained. “Simple enough to know if you rock up to Skylar’s room dressed like that, you’ll be waiting another month for her to sign the deal you’re trying to negotiate.”

  My brow quirks, shocked. “You know about our… arrangement?” I’m tempted to punch myself in the throat after that effort. I sound like a dweeb.

  “If it affects Willow, I know every fucking detail. Skylar’s wellbeing affects Willow.” He grips the tie I’m wearing. “So, ditch this, too. No one wears ties anymore.”

  “They do in Milan.”

  His dark brow gets lost in his hairline as the expression on his face switches to leering.

  “Fine. Whatever.” I’m so fucking desperate, I’d take advice from a chimpanzee.

  I’ve never worked so hard before for a date previously. Call me conceited, but the clicking-my-fingers comment I made to Skylar weeks ago was factual. More times than not, I didn’t even need to smile to secure a date.

  While removing my tie, I raise my eyes to Elvis. Yes, I said raise. The fucker is huge. “How did you know about Percy? It’s not every day a star quarterback can organize a visit from a trained bear on short notice.”

  “The Bears got inventive with their drafting techniques back in my college-ball days. Percy was one of the many gimmicks they used.” He props his hip on the vanity, his smirk picking up. “You’ll agree to anything after coming face to face with a grizzly and surviving, am I right?” He hits me with a wink like he heard my earlier thoughts. “Did you do it? Did you kiss the bear?”

  My smirk matches his. “Would I be dressing up like a penguin if I didn’t?”

  Elvis laughs again. Coglione.

  “Probably not.” After messing up the hair I only just fixed into place, he nudges his head to the doorway. “Come on. You’ve been in here for hours. I heard Italian men spend more time in front of the mirror than their counterparts, I don’t need proof of the travesty.”

  I shadow him down the corridor, confused as to why he’s so eager to get me out of here. I realize why when his knock on Skylar’s bedroom door is quickly chased by Willow slipping out. The more time she spends ‘sprucing’ Skylar up for our date, the longer Elvis goes without her beneath him. I can’t blame his eagerness. Willow isn’t Skylar, but she’s attractive in her own right.

  With her lips twisted, Willow licks and spits my black locks in a way Danny would be proud of before yanking my dress shirt out of my trousers. “Partially tucked in is much sexier than looking like you have a broomstick stuck up your ass.”

  I shoot Elvis a wry look when he snickers.

  The last time I was babied like this was when I was a baby.

  It was also by my mother.

  When Willow commences undoing the buttons of my shirt, I step back. “All right, Jesus. You Americans accuse foreigners of being handsy, yet here I am getting more action tonight than I’ve had the past month.”

  “I’m not American, thank you very much.” Willow does the three-click routine Danny is infamous for. I don’t know what it stands for, but Skylar and Willow mimic him every time he does it. “I’m Australian, which means I’ll have no issues organizing for you to be mauled by a drop bear if you so much as get a scratch on my girl.”

  My eyes stray to Elvis, wordlessly asking if he knows what the fuck a drop bear is.

  He shrugs as unsure as me.

  My eyes return to Willow when she says, “They’re nasty, Shortie J. People think Australia having eight of the ten deadliest snakes in the world is the dangerous part of their visit.” She steps closer to me, her gall noticeable even with her short stature. “They aren’t. Drop bears will rip you to shreds if you dare look them in the eye… as will I if you hurt Skylar.”

  “All right, Will, I think he’s gotten the hint.”

  I never thought I’d love a man, but I’m reasonably sure I’m falling for Elvis when he curls his arm around Willow and ushers her down the corridor we just walked.

  You’d assume their departure would lessen my panic. You’re dead wrong. They’re barely halfway down the hall when Skylar fills the spot Willow just vacated. She’s wearing a dress that would only look better if it was sitting crumpled on the floor of my bedroom. It’s snug, short, and shows her small height didn’t lessen the length of her legs.

  They go for miles and miles.

  “Amore mio…” I stop, genuinely unsure how to adequately express how beautiful she looks. Skylar is stunning with teased hair and a face full of paint, so imagine how gorgeous she is with her makeup done in a neutral, yet alluring palette.

  Mercifully, Skylar seems to have a direct line to my inner monologue. “You don’t look too bad yourself, Shortie J.”

  After dragging her index finger across the skin Willow’s unbuttoning exposed, she spins on her heels and saunters toward the entryway of the cabin. My grandfather would roll in his grave if he saw the way I follow after her like a lost puppy.

  Ignoring the two dozen pairs of eyes on us, we say goodbye to Willow and Elvis before heading to my car. After opening Skylar’s door, I jog to the driver’s seat. My speed is fast, but not fast enough to miss Willow giving me the universal sign that she’s watching me. I’d be annoyed about her constant interference if I weren’t grateful Skylar has someone like her watching out for her.

  While hitting the start button on the dashboard, I chance a glance at Skylar. Her pupils are their standard size, her smile ghost-like, and her hands still. Her confidence is a refreshing change. It’s been a very long time since I’ve been on a date with a woman who classes herself as my equal.

  When I reach the T intersection at the end of the street, Skylar shifts her bright blue eyes to me. “Take a left.”

  “The GPS says right.”

  The narrowing of her eyes makes me smile. “I don’t care what the GPS says, I said to head left.” She hits me with a frisky wink before adding less snappily, “You came to America for an experience. I’m going to give you an experience.”

  “Will this experience include you naked at any stage of the night?”
I ask while turning left.

  The front of my pants tightens when she replies, “Since you seem to have no issues following direction, the possibility is high.”

  That works for me—for now.

  A little over three hours later, we arrive at a bar that appears seconds from collapse. I wouldn’t necessarily say it is rundown, more ramshackle to give the allusion it’s older than it is. Its floors, walls, and balustrades are done with a block of rustic wood, and the wrought-iron balcony is filled with patrons far more trusting of its sturdiness than me.

  “You devoured a plate of Chick-Fil-A waffle fries without coming up for air. Had your ass whipped while using our 2-for-1 bowling voucher, and was shown how to secure a scrumptious dessert without handing over a penny.”

  I grimace during Skylar’s last confession. “I’d rather hand over five dollars than endure another sample scavenger hunt through a packed mall.”

  Instead of buying dessert, Skylar had us go stall to stall to sample the goods they were selling. Even if we liked what we tasted, we had to pretend we hated it—that way, we could move onto the next vendor without looking cheap. We sampled a range of products, but the serving size was as teasing as the number of times Skylar has reapplied her lip gloss tonight. I’m starving, and my reference has nothing to do with the grumbles of my stomach.

  “But that’s not the American way, Shortie J. Just like paying for your drinks isn’t either.”

  Dust kicks up when she swivels around to face me. Her smile is as bright as mine, her eyes just as sparkling. Although I’ve barely cracked a twenty, I’ve had a blast. Tonight has proved, without a doubt, money can’t buy happiness.

  “The silver dollar is one of only a handful of original saloons in the country. It also hosts a ton of dirty miners and smirking cowboys every night who are more than happy to pay their dues with beer.” Her playful wink almost kills me from the blood rushing to my cock faster than my heart can pump it there. “Can you play pool, Shortie J?”