Home Alone 3

by Todd Strasser

  "I say we just burn the house down," Unger muttered.

  "What about the chip, moron?" Alice asked.

  "You want to know what you can do with that chip?" Unger asked angrily.

  "May we continue, please?" Beaupre interrupted. "I'll go in the front. Mr. Unger, you take the north side. Alice, you take the south side. And let me know when you get that kid. I owe him one.

  37

  Inside the house, Alex couldn't hear exactly what the burglars were saying. But they didn't sound happy.

  The three burglars split up. Alex knew they were going to try to get into the house now. He heard the front door knob turn and knew Beaupre was trying to pick the lock. Alex knew he might succeed in picking it, but he'd still never get through the front door. Alex had used wood screws to screw it shut.

  The windows were another problem. Alex heard a sound coming from the living room. Unger had jimmied open a window. Now he was sliding a knife blade between the shutters to open the latch that held them closed.

  Alex crawled under the living room table. Above him was a giant slingshot made out of bungee cords and strung from wall to wall. In the sling was a five-pound bag of plaster and the large water balloon he'd just filled.

  Unger tipped the latch and spread the shutters. He stuck his head through the window and into the room.

  Alex fired the giant slingshot.

  POW! The water balloon and bag of plaster smashed into Unger's face, leaving a large white cloud. Unger flew backward into the yard and landed on his back in the snow.

  Thump! Alex heard a dull thud coming from the vestibule. He grabbed a can of black spray paint and ran to the front door just as the mail slot flipped open.

  On the other side of the door, Beaupre was trying to look into the house through the mail slot. Alex aimed the can of black spray paint at the slot and fired.

  "Ahhhhhhhhh!" Beaupre lurched backward with his hands over the black stripe across his eyes.

  Instant raccoon.

  Next a jangling sound caught Alex's attention. Someone was trying to get through the gate from the alley into the backyard. Alex ran to the back of the house just in time to see Alice climb over the gate.

  Bad idea, Alex thought with a smile.

  On the other side of the gate was a muddy patch of ground. The night before, Alex had hooked a garden hose to the hot water line in the basement and run it out to the gate. Hot water had been seeping into the ground all night.

  Splat! Alice dropped down on the other side of the gate and immediately sank down in mud up to her knees.

  And somewhere in that mud was a trip wire made of fishing line. The line was connected to a cinder block carefully balanced on the roof gutter. When Alice hit the trip line, it made the cinder block tip out of the gutter.

  Bonk! Alice collapsed into the mud. Now she had a nasty bump on her head, too.

  With those three temporarily out of commission, Alex began to wonder about Jernigan. He hadn't seen or heard from him since he sat down in the "electric chair."

  Creak! Alex heard the sound of the garage door opening. Now he knew where Jernigan was. He ran to the kitchen and peeked out through the window as Jernigan carefully stepped into the garage.

  Alex smiled to himself. In the back of the garage was a loft. Alex had taken a big old stuffed gorilla of Molly's and dressed him in pants and shoes and put him up there with his legs hanging over the loft edge. The gorilla doll was part of a pair—one boy and one girl. For as long as Alex could remember, they'd always been together. Alex had hated to separate them, but duty called.

  38

  This was it, Jernigan thought. He could practically smell the kid in the garage.

  There! From the garage floor he could see the kid's legs hanging over the edge of the loft.

  "I got him!" Jernigan yelled gleefully as he reached up and grabbed the legs.

  He pulled them as hard as he could.

  Down came the kid.

  No, wait! It wasn't the kid! It was an old stuffed monkey in kids' clothes.

  And around the monkey's neck was some kind of rope.

  It looked to Jernigan like a pull cord to a lawn mover.

  Now, why would that be tied around the mortkey's neck? Jernigan wondered.

  Varrroooom! He heard a sound like a lawn mower starting.

  Jernigan scratched his head. It sounded like the lawn mower was up in the loft. But why would anyone put a lawn mower up there?

  The lawn mower rolled forward. Jernigan looked up just as it rolled out of the loft.

  Onto him.

  39

  "Ahhhhhhhh!" came the scream. It sounded to Alex like Jernigan had just found out what it was like to get a close haircut with a lawn mower.

  It was time to go up to the attic. Alex would have preferred keeping the burglars out of the house, but he knew that probably wasn't possible.

  So he'd booby-trapped the inside of the house as well.

  In the attic he turned up the volume on the baby monitor he'd brought up from his bedroom. The other monitor was strategically placed down in the living room.

  Alex heard a sawing sound and assumed that Beaupre was now sawing through the front door. He had to say one thing for these burglars—they sure were determined.

  The front door creaked. Alex knew Beaupre had gotten into the house. What Beaupre didn't know was that the front door was attached by a string to Molly's old Baby Sniffles doll in the front closet. The string pulled the loop in the doll's back that made sounds.

  "Ha-choo." Through the baby monitor came the sound of Baby Sniffles sneezing in the closet. Alex assumed Beaupre must've heard it.

  Thinking it was Alex who had sneezed, Beaupre would position himself in front of the closet.

  He'd swing open the door.

  "Uhhhhhnnn!" Beaupre let out a groan as the boxing glove shot out of the doset and hit him right in the stomach.

  Bang! The sound of a gun firing caught Alex by surprise. Was Beaupre dumb enough to try and shoot the boxing glove?

  On second thought, maybe the gun had discharged accidentally.

  Alex checked the TVs. Jernigan, now sporting a flattop haircut that had sheared straight through his hat, had taken a ladder from the garage and was trying to climb into a second-floor window.

  Too bad they were still doing renovations on the floor in that part of the house. Many of the floor joints had been removed.

  Crash! Through the baby monitor Alex heard the sound of Jernigan crashing through the second floor.

  Smash! Then through the first floor.

  Crunk! He'd just landed in the basement. That would take care of him for a while.

  Alex looked back at the TVs in time to see Alice take a running start at the back porch. That meant she'd noticed that the porch steps had been sawed.

  By jumping over the sawed steps she would avoid that obvious booby trap.

  Alice ran and jumped. She easily cleared the steps and landed on the porch itself. Where more boards had been sawed.

  Ka-bong! A board flew up and smacked her in the back of the head.

  "Help!" She screamed as she fell through the porch and into a stairwell leading down to the basement.

  "Alice?" Through the baby monitor came the sound of Beaupre calling to her. If Beaupre was looking for her, he'd probably step up on the back porch, too.

  Alex counted to himself. Three . . . two . . . one.

  Ka-bong! Beaupre had just stepped onto the porch where a loose board flew up and smacked him in the face.

  "Help!" And now Beaupre was joining Alice in a heap at the bottom of the stairwell.

  Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! The sound of rapidly fired shots rang through the house. Alex wondered what Beaupre was firing at now.

  Grooof! Grooof! Ahhh-wooo! From all over the neighborhood came the sound of alarmed dogs barking at the sound of the shots. Alex thought it was rather inconsiderate of the burglars to disturb the neighbors.

  Another crash meant that Unger had found his way to
the basement also. Up in the attic, Alex nodded grimly. Things were going according to plan.

  Brrrriiinnnggg! Suddenly, a phone started ringing somewhere downstairs. Alex caught his breath. That was definitely not part of the plan!

  40

  It was a really bad time to leave the attic, but Alex had no choice. He ran downstairs to his parents' room and grabbed the phone. "Hello?"

  "Hi, hon, how's it going?" It was his mother.

  "Everything's fine," Alex quickly replied. He could hear movement down in the basement. The burglars were probably getting ready for their next attack.

  "The weather's terrible," his mom said. "It's snowing really hard. I was thinking of coming home as soon as I could."

  "No!" Alex gasped a little too quickly. "Take your time. I'm, er, playing Chinese checkers with Mrs. Hess. She's creaming me."

  He could hear the burglars coming up the basement steps. He couldn't let his mom come home now. The burglars might take her hostage or something. Then he'd have a real mess on his hands.

  "Oh, I'm glad," his mother said. "I mean, not that Mrs. Hess is creaming you. But that she's there."

  Now Alex heard a new sound. It was closer. It sounded like the burglars were in the kitchen.

  "Mom, I have to go," Alex said in a rush. "Mrs. Hess gets nutty when you make her wait."

  He hung up the phone and ran into his room to get Doris. It was time to call out the reserves. Holding the white rat firmly in his hands, he snuck out into the second-floor hall.

  He heard a louder creaking sound now. The burglars were coming up the steps from the first floor!

  Alex quickly put Doris down in the hall. The rat scampered away toward the stairs.

  Alex turned to run back upstairs. Wait! He couldn't! They'd hear him. He looked around desperately for a place to hide.

  The burglars were nearly to the top of the stairs.

  Alex pulled open a door. It was the linen closet, filled with towels and sheets. Not a real good hiding place. But he had no choice. He stepped in and quickly closed the door.

  It was dark in the closet. Alex tried to stay perfectly still. Outside he could hear the creaking footsteps as the burglars reached the top of the stairs.

  41

  In the basement, Peter Beaupre had listened in on the kid's telephone conversation with his mother. As much as he wanted to kill the little worm, he had to admit he was pretty courageous for an eight-year-old.

  Meanwhile on the second floor, Alice, Jernigan, and Unger had reached the top of the stairs.

  "I'll go left," said Alice. "Mr. Unger goes right. Mr. Jernigan covers the stairs."

  In the closet Alex noticed a button in the doorknob. It must have been the lock. He reached up and pressed it.

  Click! Oh, no! The noise it made was too loud.

  Outside in the hall Unger heard the noise. He knew exactly where it had come from. He grabbed the doorknob.

  Inside the closet, Alex watched in terror as the doorknob jiggled. Someone on the other side was trying to get in.

  They'd found him! Alex backed into the towels and bit his lip in an effort not to cry out in fear.

  The doorknob rattled and then stopped. Alex's heart was pounding so hard he could feel the blood thumping through his forehead. He could hardly breathe.

  He heard a metallic squeak and a grunt.

  "I'm coming to get you, shorty," a deep voice growled. "I'm coming to pay you back for all the misery you caused me."

  It sounded like Unger. Alex looked around desperately for a place to hide. His eyes focused on a big fabric storage hanger hanging from the inside of the door. The pockets of it were filled with cleaning supplies, rags, and brushes.

  Snap! The next thing he knew, the doorknob fell right off the door!

  42

  The door swung open. Unger stared in with a malicious smile as if he couldn't wait to turn Alex into chicken feed.

  The smile faded. There was no trace of Alex. Unger scowled. It wasn't possible! He'd heard the lock click. Since when did doors lock by themselves?

  Alice came up behind him with her gun drawn. "So?" she asked.

  "Towels," Unger replied with a shrug. He even turned on a closet light and looked around. "I don't get it. I saw this door close. I heard it lock."

  Alice shook her head as if to imply that Unger was imagining things.

  "Would I make it up?" Unger sputtered. "What's the point? It's not like we're working on commission here."

  He closed the door.

  Hanging between the fabric storage hanger and the door, Alex felt a wave of relief wash through him. He let go and dropped to the closet floor.

  That was close. Way too close.

  He pushed the linen door open just a little and peeked out. The hall was empty, but he decided to wait before he tried to get back to the attic.

  43

  Alice went back to her side of the second floor. She was disgusted. Unger was just an idiot imagining kids in linen closets. They'd be better off without him.

  With Jernigan behind her, she came to a closed door. She glanced back at Jernigan. "Cover me," she whispered as she closed her hand on the doorknob and turned it.

  Holding her gun high, Alice pushed the door open slowly and looked in. It was a girl's bedroom. The room was a mess. The floors were covered with clothes and magazines. Posters were falling off the walls.

  Just then Alice caught a glimpse of movement out of the corner of her eye. There in the bed! Someone was sleeping!

  Holding her gun out in front of her, Alice moved slowly toward the bed. She could barely see the person under all the blankets and clothes, but she could easily imagine that kid hiding there.

  If he could set up all those booby traps, he could probably fire a gun, too.

  Alice's finger closed nervously over the trigger of her gun.

  She stepped closer.

  Suddenly, the person in the bed moved.

  44

  Bang! Bang! Bang! The sound of rapidly fired bullets made Alex wince and duck. The sound had come from Molly's room. Alex had a feeling one of the burglars had just shot up Molly's other gorilla.

  In Molly's room, Alice shoved her still smoking gun into her pocket. Whoever was in that bed had just bought a ticket to the big chat room in the sky. Alice noticed a field hockey stick in the corner and picked it up.

  She hooked the end of the stick under the bedclothes and swept the blankets and extra clothes away.

  Alice blinked. She was looking down at a big gorilla doll. That's what she'd just shot . . . a doll.

  Behind her, Jernigan laughed.

  Alice spun around, gritting her teeth angrily. "Shut up!" she yelled at him.

  "You shot a doll," Jernigan chuckled.

  Alice pointed down at a foot pump on the floor.

  "The kid must have set this up. I stepped on the pump and it—"

  Suddenly she froze with her mouth agape. She went white with terror.

  Jernigan couldn't figure out what was wrong. Alice was staring at him, but why? All he was wearing was his torn camouflage outfit.

  Squeak. . . . Something made a sound.

  Jernigan looked down. Some kind of little animal had poked its head out of his camouflage suit. It looked like a little white . . . rat.

  Uh-oh . . .

  Jernigan looked back at Alice. She was holding the hockey stick like a baseball bat.

  She started to swing.

  "No—" Jernigan cried.

  Too late.

  45

  In the linen closet, Alex heard a loud, anglished howl. Like a man was in horrible pain. Alex didn't know what that was, but with everyone screaming and howling, it seemed like a good time to get out of the closet and head back to the attic.

  Unfortunately, it wasn't a good time.

  No sooner did Alex leave the closet than Unger came out of his parents' room and saw him.

  "The kid!" Unger shouted.

  Alex leaped toward the stairs up to the attic, slammed th
e attic door behind him, and locked it. Doris scampered up the stairs beside him. The doorknob rattled as the burglars tried to get it open.

  Alex knew he didn't have much time. He pulled on a backpack filled with supplies. Then he picked up Doris and the remote-controlled toy car.

  Bang! Bang! More gunshots. Alex didn't have to guess what those were for. One of the burglars had just shot off the doorknob. Now he heard the sound of their steps as they hurried up toward the attic.

  Alex climbed into the dumbwaiter.

  Then he reached out and pushed a button on the control panel on the wall.

  The dumbwaiter started to go down. A second later, Alex was gone.

  46

  Down in the basement, Alex crawled out of the dumbwaiter. He pulled off the backpack and took out some tools. He used those tools to remove the floor of the dumbwaiter. Then he took a toy robot out of the backpack. It was battery-operated and had little mechanical arms that swung forward as it moved.

  Alex set up the robot about four feet from the basement control panel for the dumbwaiter. Then he switched the robot on. The robot started to move slowly toward the control panel, swinging its arms as it went.

  Next he crossed the basement to the washing machine. As part of his plan he'd left his hat and coat and Nerf dart gun there. He pulled on the hat and coat and picked up the dart gun.

  Something was wrong. The gun weighed a ton!

  Alex looked down at it. His eyes went wide!

  It wasn't the dart gun! It was a real gun!

  One of the burglars must have left it. He must've been so dazed from falling into the basement that he'd picked up the dart gun by accident.

  Alex had no use for a real gun. He opened the trash can beside the washing machine and put it inside.