My chest aches more with each demand that leaves my mouth. The words are physically crushing me.
“Just go before he leaves, dammit.”
“Fine.” She pushes my arm and then my chest when I turn to face her. “You want me gone, then I’m gone. I guess you can’t handle it when things get tough. Fuck you, Micah! Fuck you for making me fall for you.”
“Tegan . . .”
“No. You don’t need to explain shit to me. I’m gone.” She rushes over to the table to grab her laptop. “Maybe I should’ve listened to my brother. You’re fighting real hard for us. Real hard.”
I stand here, frozen in place, watching as she walks out the door.
Everything inside of me aches at the idea of losing the two people I care about the most. I really fucked up this time.
Grinding my jaw, I swing my hand across the bar, knocking over a couple of bottles of liquor along with everything sitting atop. Limes, straws, and cocktail napkins go flying.
The sound of the bottles breaking doesn’t faze me one bit, because the only fucking girl I’ve ever loved just walked out the door and I have no idea if I’ll get another chance with her.
I may not be fighting for us, but I’m fighting for her. I wouldn’t be a man if I allowed her and Alexander’s relationship to be ruined because of me. It’ll only end in regret. I won’t do it.
All I can do right now is give them time to work things out and maybe, just fucking maybe, she’ll come back to me and Alexander will give us a chance.
But he said so himself; it’s going to take something huge for him to ever believe that I won’t hurt Tegan.
I don’t know how the hell to do that other than walk away from her right now and let them heal.
This fucking kills me.
Not only have I just lost the friendship of the only person who’s been there for me, but I’ve possibly just lost the only girl I’ve ever fucking wanted for good . . .
I FEEL SICK TO MY stomach as I stand here at the airport about to board a plane back to Wisconsin.
It’s been three days since Micah told me to walk away from him and I haven’t felt the same since. I don’t think I’ve ever truly known what a broken heart feels like until now.
I haven’t been able to sleep at night and I’ve barely left my room at my brother’s until I had to leave for the airport this morning.
As hard as I fight to keep Micah off my mind, he’s lingering there and all it’s doing is hurting me.
I never expected to fall in love with the naked guy running around my brother’s beach house.
But I did.
As far as I know Micah has already gotten everything from Vortex and Alexander has given him a week to get everything from the house since he has a lot of stuff there.
It feels so empty without him around and no matter what I do, if I stay, I’ll only be reminded of Micah and how he’s no longer around.
There’s been so many times that I’ve wanted to pick up the phone and call him just so I can hear his voice, but I can’t get past the hurt of Micah sending me away like he did.
That’s not how things were supposed to go down. It wasn’t supposed to end with me walking away and losing him.
But we both knew that my brother wasn’t going to change his mind. We were living in a fairytale if we thought otherwise. As much as it hurts, I believe Micah did it because he trusted it was the best thing to do at the time.
I’m still not sure if Alexander and I are completely good with each other, but I just can’t be there anymore.
I’m doing what is best for everyone.
“Are you sure you want to do this, Tegan?” my brother asks, reaching for my bags. “I know things have been a little messed up for a few days now, but that doesn’t mean you have to leave.”
“I can’t stay, Xan.” I look up to meet his eyes, mine feeling heavy. “Being there is only a reminder of how you and Micah are no longer talking because of me. And I can’t sit there, dying inside because I want to be with a man that I can’t have. I’m too emotionally exhausted to fight when it’ll never end with your approval.”
His eyes are filled with guilt as he watches me grab the bags from him. “I’m only protecting you and you know it, Tegan. As much as I wish I could believe that Micah Beck is capable of a relationship, when you’ve known him as long as I have and have seen as much as I have, I just . . . I can’t. I’m sorry for that.”
“Yeah, well I’m sorry too.” I swing my bags over my shoulder, before looking back up at him. “But maybe you should at least thank him for making me walk away from him. He’s the reason I left with you that night. I was willing to take my chance that you’d eventually forgive me, but I’m guessing he wasn’t willing to take that same chance and risk the two of us never speaking again.”
My brother’s jaw flexes as he runs his hands up and down his face. It takes him a moment before he’s able to speak. “He made you leave that night?”
I nod and release a breath. “My flight is about to leave. I should get going.” I give my brother a quick kiss on the cheek and walk away, before I can change my mind about leaving.
I just hope that maybe Alexander knowing what Micah gave up for us is enough for them to eventually work things out.
I may not be able to have a relationship with Micah, but maybe I can begin to heal if I know that my brother can again.
I didn’t bother telling my parents or anyone else for that matter that I was returning today.
The truth is, I just want some time to be alone, before falling back into my old life.
I’m sure Whitney will be shocked once she comes home to find me here, but I’m hoping to tell her as little as possible so that I don’t have to think about it.
Today is the last day I’m able to work on my book before sending it off to the editor, so I spend most of the evening doing re-writes and changing things that just don’t feel right anymore.
Still Breathing pretty much ended up turning into mine and Micah’s story, as hard as I tried not to let that happen, so it only feels right that I change the story to fit what really happened.
A lot of my readers may end up upset, but not everyone is lucky enough to get a happily ever after.
After typing out “The end” I hit send on the email and close down my laptop.
The editor will have the story for three days and then it’s going to straight to the formatter who will have it for two.
I plan to hit publish in five days.
I should be excited, but I feel anything but. I expected to be celebrating this moment, not sitting around depressed in a pair of old pajamas, hiding away from the world.
But things don’t always go as planned.
I get comfortable in bed, well, as comfortable as I can, and turn on the TV as a distraction. Unfortunately, it doesn’t distract me as much as I had hoped and I find myself checking my phone every so often as if I expect to hear from Micah.
I’m sure if he was going to call or text that he would’ve done it by now, but a girl can only hope, right?”
When my phone goes off twenty minutes later I get a small surge of hope, but when I open the message it’s only Jamie responding to my earlier text. Even though I don’t feel like talking to anyone, I send her a simple text to let her know that I’ll explain everything to her in a few days.
After tossing my phone aside, I turn over a few times and fight to get comfortable, but it’s impossible. Being here doesn’t feel the same as it used to.
My bed used to be my escape from the world. The place I went to when I wanted to hide out and write, and now all I want to do is be in a different bed.
I know I was only away for a little over three weeks, but here doesn’t feel like home anymore.
“Tegan . . . are you home?”
Whitney’s voice comes from the kitchen, so I sit up and lean against the headboard.
“I’m in my room,” I mumble.
Her face is beaming when she walks in, but quickl
y turns into a look of confusion once she notices my appearance. “Oh, honey. What the hell happened to you?” She takes a seat on the edge of my bed. “You look like you haven’t slept in days.”
“I haven’t,” I admit. “I messed everything up and I haven’t had a moment of silence in my mixed-up brain since. I’m driving myself insane, Whit.”
She gives me a sad face. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really,” I say softly. “I think what I need is a week-long nap before I’m ready to talk about things. I’m hurting right now and need to figure things out. That’s all.”
“I hate this.” Whitney throws her arms around me and the moment she pulls me in close, I lose it, and the tears begin to fall.
I’m so mixed up; confused and angry at the moment, and it’s been building and building for the last three days. I can’t hold it in any longer.
I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to feel broken from the loss of Micah, but I do.
I know it’ll take time to get used to being without him, but the truth is I don’t want to get used to being without him.
I don’t want to get used to not feeling his strong arms around me or feeling his lips brush against my neck whenever we’re close.
Micah Beck isn’t someone you can just learn to get over. He’s someone that you learn to love, and once you do you never stop.
“I’m sorry, sweets,” she says, consoling me as she rubs my head. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”
I shake my head and pull away from her grip. “No, I just need some sleep. Exhaustion is kicking my ass and making everything worse than it really is. I promise.” I force a smile to make her feel better. “I’ll be better once I get some sleep.”
“Alright,” she breathes. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m here when you want to talk. Okay?”
I nod. “I know. Thank you.”
“That’s what friends are for, and just know that if this has anything to do with the sexy guitar guy then I’ll fly to California and kick his ass myself.”
Her threat has me smiling. “I don’t doubt that.”
She smiles back and looks toward the door when Ethan calls her name. “Get some rest, babe.”
I watch as she stands up and exits the room.
And like a fool, I reach for my phone and pull up the picture I took of Micah the first night I watched him perform.
The sight of him sitting there with his hair flowing around him while he plays his guitar has me throwing my phone across the room in anger and hurt.
I may have told myself that the only reason he pushed me away was because of Alexander, but I’m not so sure I’m fully convinced that was the only reason.
Maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t feel the same way about me as I do for him. If he did it wouldn’t be this easy for him.
It’s that thought that has me wishing I never went to California in the first place, because the idea of Micah not loving me back hurts worse than anything I could ever imagine . . .
TONIGHT IS THE GRAND OPENING for Express, yet I don’t feel nearly as excited as I thought I would when I look around at the final setup.
Ever since I forced myself to tell Tegan to walk away, I’ve felt like a huge part of me is missing. It’s been eating at me, making it hard to fucking sleep at night.
Opening Express and giving myself something to call my own has been my number one priority for as long as I can remember, but now I’m not so sure that’s it’s the most important thing to me anymore.
When Tegan was around I saw a future where she’d spend her nights with me at the bar, writing her books, while I performed weekly shows. And when I wasn’t performing I’d sit back with her and watch the other performers, us both enjoying the place together.
I still want that.
I want that so fucking much that it hurts.
I’ve bowed out and given them both time, but I’m not so sure I can stay away any longer. I was hoping that since tonight is the big night for Express that Tegan would’ve come by to wish me luck at least, but I haven’t heard from her in nine days.
The thought has me gripping the bar and hanging my head. I don’t know what the hell to do to make things right and it’s slowly killing me.
“Holy shit! Have you seen the crowd outside?” I raise my head to see Sebastian walking toward me, holding a package. “I had to fight my way through it just to get inside. It’s mad out there. I almost lost this,” he says, holding up the box.
“There were close to eighty people out there the last time I checked.” There’s no emotion in my voice. No excitement, and I can tell from the look on Sebastian’s face that he notices too.
“You good?”
I hold out my hand. “Yeah, I’ll take that.”
Knowing what’s inside the package has my heart about to beat out of my chest.
I knew Tegan’s book was due to release yesterday, so I jumped online and expedited my order, getting it here as quickly as possible.
I’ve been curious about the story ever since her face turned red when I asked her if she was writing about me.
He hands it to me, keeping his eyes on me as I look it over. “What the hell is it?”
“A book,” I say stiffly.
He laughs and readjusts the stack of napkins. “Oh yeah. I forgot you like read.” His smile fades when he looks up to see my facial expression. “Is it hers, Man?”
I nod and hide the package under the bar next to the register. Now I’m thinking about her even more, and the fact that she isn’t here has me wanting to do something out of character for me. “I need you to get Donovan and Jasmine clocked in and behind the bar to work, no later than six-thirty. The door doesn’t open until seven and the first performance doesn’t start until eight. I’ll be back.”
“Whoa.” Sebastian watches me with wide eyes as I reach for the book and head for the door. “Where the hell are you going and since when do you trust anyone else to run things? Especially me.”
“I have somewhere I have to go first.” I stop at the door long enough to turn around. “I trust you to get things started. I’ll be back before we open.”
He opens his mouth as if to say something, but before he can I step outside. The group has grown since the last time I was out here and even that isn’t enough to stop me from leaving.
A few girls whistle as I rush by them, but I don’t slow down. I just keep on walking until I’m jumping into my truck and headed to Alexander’s.
I barely have time to stop the truck before I’m jumping out and running to the front door, hoping with everything in me that she’s here and not at Vortex with Alexander.
When no one comes to the door after a few seconds, I knock again, desperate to get to her. I almost consider pulling out Alexander’s house key that I never gave back, but decide that he’d probably really kill me this time.
“Fuck it.”
I reach for the key and right as I’m about to stick it in the lock, Alexander answers the door, dressed all slick as if he has somewhere to be.
I can tell from his pissed off expression that he’s not happy with me showing up, but I don’t really give a shit about that right now.
“What the fuck are you doing here, Micah?”
“Where is she?” I run my hands over my face, anxious to get to her. “I need to see her, Alexander, and I’ll remove you from my path just to get to her right now. I don’t give a damn anymore, so don’t test me.”
With his jaw steeled, he steps outside and closes the door behind him. “She’s not here. I’m surprised you don’t know that already. I figured you would’ve contacted her by now.”
My heart stops at the mention of her not being here. “What the fuck does that mean?” I look up as he’s running his hands over his face. He looks torn. “Where the hell is she? Tell me. Now.”
“She’s gone.” He releases a long breath, looking me over. “She left almost a week ago.”
Panic sets in, and before I can s
top myself I’m grabbing at Alexander’s shirt and getting in his face. “Tell me where the fuck she lives? I need to get to her. I’m sick of your shit.”
He shoves me away from him and fixes his shirt. “Down the block from my parents. She . . .”
“Text me the address.” I take off running for my truck, needing to get on the first available flight to Wisconsin.
“What about the grand opening for Express? What the fuck, Man? It’s in less than an hour.”
That shit is not even enough to stop me at this point. I jump into my truck and head for the airport, because I don’t want to do this without her.
It’s not that I can’t. It’s that I don’t want to.
Because this night doesn’t mean shit without her by my side—the girl that was there when it was just a mostly empty building and dirt on the floors.
Express can open any night of the fucking week, but making her wait for me to stop being a dumbass and come to her can’t.
I just hope I’m enough for her to come back with me . . .
TO GET ME OUT OF the funk I’ve been in since I arrived home, Whitney decided to invite a few friends over for a bonfire at our place tonight.
Everyone’s been listening to music and drinking around the fire, enjoying the nice night, but all I’ve been able to think about is Micah and how tonight was the grand opening of Express.
I want so badly to know how it went—is still going—but I’m stuck here instead of where I really want to be, all because I made a mess of things.
The thought has me more down tonight than I have been since everything first fell apart over a week ago.
I’ve been such a wreck that I haven’t even checked the sales for my new release, when usually I check it obsessively.
When I released my debut novel I must’ve spent the first month clicking that damn refresh button, counting every single sale that popped up on my dashboard.
None of that matters with this release, and it sucks, because just months ago that’s all that mattered.
Until I met Micah and fell for him like a fool. Now he’s the only thing that matters, and knowing that I’m missing the biggest day of his life hurts so damn much.
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