by B. K. Leigh
If I didn’t know Killian at all, I would say him and his father are twins. He doesn’t look old enough to be the father of a grown man though. His hair is still dark, with almost no gray strands to be seen. His eyes are the same blue as Killian’s as if mother nature took the color of the ocean and poured it directly into his iris’s. His build is the same, and for a second I wonder if this man is actually his brother. There’s no way he could possibly be his father.
“A girlfriend?” His eyes switch from mine to Killian before a wide smile spreads across his face. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He laughs as he pulls me in for a bear hug. I let out a high pitched squeal as his large arms almost squeeze the life out of me.
“I’m not his girlfriend!” I try to correct but judging by the smile on his face he just ignores me. Killian makes no effort to correct them. Once his father lets me go Killian pulls me back into his side and I relax just a little bit. That is until I’m introduced to his other two family members. My eyes widen as Dr. Forbes stands from the large couch and makes her way in front of me.
“Hi,” She sticks her hand out in my direction and I’m hesitant to take it. Her eyes tell me she knows. I see a million questions swimming around through her head. “I’m Bianca.” I wonder if her family can tell how awkward this very moment is. I wonder if Killian can tell I’m dying inside. Dr. Forbes is Killian’s sister. The same Dr. Forbes who knows I’m pregnant. How am I going to explain this to her? I try to communicate how thankful I am to her for not outing me in front of the rest of her family.
“Tatum.” I grab her extended hand and shake. My eyes don’t leave hers. Her eyebrow is raised in question as I still struggle to let go.
“Tatum?” The awkward moment is broken the minute a miniature Killian pushes her aside and throws himself in front of me. “As in the Tatum, big brother?” He has a smirk on his face as he shoots Killian a mischievous look.
“Tatum, this is Liam.” Killian mumbles in his brothers direction. “Liam, behave yourself.” He warns his brother.
“Come, here!” Liam pulls me into his chest, making it the third hug I’ve received in less than ten minutes. I’m not much of a hugger, unless hugging Cohen counts. “Why don’t you hang out with me for the night?” He teases as he locks eyes with Killian. “Killian’s such a drag.” He starts to lead me away, but I put my foot out and resist.
“Actually, is there a bathroom I could use?” I ask. Everyone’s staring at me as if I have three heads.
“Yeah, it’s right down-” Janet begins to say.
“I can show her, Mom.” Bianca jumps up, cutting her mother off mid sentence.
“Alright, honey. Just be quick, dinner will be on the table in a few minutes.” She smiles at us sweetly. I follow Dr. Forbes away from my salvation and up a set of stairs. We by pass what looks like the bathroom and head straight into a bedroom. She shuts the door behind us quietly and turns to face me.
“Tatum.” She says my name as if it tastes sour on her tongue. “What are you doing here with my brother?” Gone is the cheerful doctor I met at my appointment a couple weeks ago. Her blonde hair is the same, Her red lipstick is the same, but her eyes are hardened.
“He asked me to come.” I tell her as if it makes complete sense.
“Does he know?” She takes a breath and gestures to my stomach. “About the baby?” She forces the words out of her mouth.
“No!” I shake my head. “Please, don’t tell him. I don’t want him to know.” I practically beg her.
“How the hell do you expect to keep that a secret?” She begins to pace the room. She stops mid stride. “Is- Is it his?” She asks me next. I don’t have the guts to answer her. I just stare, admitting my guilt with my eyes.
“Oh, Jesus hell. You’re the teenager!” She mutters to herself.
“What?” I ask her.
“Is it his?” She asks again. Her eyes plead with me to tell her the truth. Something about that look has me answering within seconds.
“Yes.” I nod my head. “He doesn’t know, please don’t tell him.” I beg her once again.
“You want me to keep something like this from my own brother?” she spits angrily. “You can’t keep a child from someone!” She almost shouts.
“Please! Dr. Forbes, you don’t understand what would happen if he found out.” I try to argue. “He’ll be ruined. He’ll lose his job! His career! I can’t do that to him.” I try to show her my reasoning.
“This is his child, Tatum. It’s a part of him for Christ’s sake!” She sneers.
“I can’t do that to him.” I stand my ground. “I can’t ruin his life.” I shake my head back in forth as tears begin to build behind my eyelids. “I’ve already ruined my own.” I admit. Her eyebrows raise in shock at my own admission. I feel guilty for regretting Bean, but I do in this moment and I can’t help it.
“What happens when he finds out?” She challenges. “When he finds out that we both didn’t tell him?
“I’m not going to let that happen.” I tell her honestly.
“How do you even know him?” She asks me a question I know she already has the answer too.
“He’s my History teacher.” I cringe at her sharp intake of breath.
“Fuck!” She whisper shouts. “I’m not going to tell him.” She promises me.
“Thank you.” I release a pent up breath.
“I’m not going to tell him, Tatum. Because you are.” She doesn’t leave me any room for argument before she opens the door and storms away.
Holy fuck am I in trouble.
I didn’t think this could get any worse but clearly I was wrong. I make my way back down the stairs to where Killian stands in the dinning room.
“You okay?” He whispers into my ear as I snuggle into his embrace.
“I’m great.” I tell him with a fake smile on my face.
The meal his mother prepared for everybody was ridiculous. There was enough food to feed a village. It was your typical Thanksgiving feast multiplied by one hundred, and cooked to perfection. It reminded me of my mother’s cooking. A touch a sadness enters my heart as I think back to last Thanksgiving. I had both my parents, Grams, Haley, and even Cohen stopped by afterwards for desert. This year I have no one. Sitting at this dinner table only seems to magnify that fact. They’re a happy family, and I’m the outcast. Although they do nothing to make me feel that way. I can’t help that feeling from creeping through my veins and squeezing the life out of me. Killian squeezes my knee beneath the table for reassurance. I sit and listen while the conversation carries on around me.
“So Tatum, did your parents cook a big meal today?” Janet asks me innocently enough. I can’t be upset with her considering she doesn’t know the half of it.
“No, uh actually my parents are no longer with us.” I tell her gently. For some reason that news always upsets people. I watch as their faces drop and fill with sorrow. “And my Grams’ is um, currently in the hospital.” I spit the last part out so fast I’m not sure if they even heard me. I don’t want to make eye contact with any of them. I don’t want to see the pity that’s always there whenever I make that revelation.
“Oh, dear.” Janet lets out a long and painful sigh while rubbing her hand over her chest. “I’m so sorry to hear that.” Her eyes crinkle with pain.
“Mom.” Killian says her name in warning.
“Well, don’t worry Tatum.” She places a smile back on her face. “You’re always welcome in my household.” She promises me. It only adds to the amount of guilt I feel building on my shoulders. Janet and Hugh are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. They’ve accepted me tonight, and made me feel comfortable. All of them have. It’s still weird to be here with Killian. Up until two days ago we were just student and teacher, content on never giving into our desires.
The rest of the dinner goes smoothly and when Janet offers me desert I politely decline. I enjoy watching Killian interact with the people he loves most in the world. Even after a rocky start Dr. For
b- Bianca, seemed to warm up to the thought of us being here together. They all went back and forth the entire night having healthy debates on every topic from football to History, and we all know who aced that one. It’s strange to see this side of him, but it’s one I’m truly starting to love.
“You guys better come back here soon.” Janet warns as we step out of the front door.
“Don’t make your mother crazy, Killian. You know she’ll go out there and find you.” Hugh warns over Janet’s shoulder.
“We will, I promise.” He pulls her in for a hug and I awkwardly stand to the side as they embrace.
“And you too, Tatum.” Janet comes to me next. “Make sure you keep my boy in line.” She smiles at me.
“I will.” I tell her. “I promise.” I add just as she lets go of me. Killian’s quiet as we walk to the car, and even more quiet as we make the long drive home. Already I miss Janet and Hugh’s house. It was the staple of homey. I have never felt more relaxed and at ease in an environment I had never been in before. Somewhere I could truly be myself without judgment. All I have to look forward to now is a dark and completely empty house. No Grams, no Cohen, no one. It feels weird once Killian pulls into my driveway sometime later. He puts the car in park, and the car slowly fills with awkward silence.
“Thank you.” I tell him honestly, finally breaking the ice. “Your mom is the sweetest.” I tell him, although I’m sure he already knows. I can feel it before he even says the words. Something in my heart has been bracing me for this moment since before we left his house.
“Tatum.” He says my name solemnly, avoiding any eye contact. “I just- I don’t.” He struggles to find the right words. Even though it kills me inside I decide to say them for him.
“I get it, Killian.” I begin to say with a strength I didn’t know I even had. “You don’t have to say it. I know nothing can come of this.” I move my hand to gesture between us. “You have a career, a family, a life, and there’s just no way I could fit into any of that. You’re my teacher,” I laugh bitterly. “And this never should have happened in the first place.” I push the passenger side door open and climb out of the car. Each step I takeaway from him is like another piece of my heart being torn off. He doesn’t back out of the driveway until I make it into the house and lock the door behind me. I trudge through the cold house and make it to my bed before I fall apart completely.
It’s okay Bean. I’ll love you enough for the both of us. It’ll be enough. I swear it will be enough.
I promise over and over again as I cry myself to sleep.
Chapter 19
Tatum
“Cohen!” I yell from my bedroom. “Cohen, come here quick!” I yell again. I’m standing in my bedroom with nothing but my bra and a pair of boxers on. I’m staring at myself in the floor length mirror completely awe struck.
“Jesus, Tatum. What the hell is the matter?” He comes running through the door. “What the hell? Why don’t you have any clothes on?” He throws a hand over his eyes and feigns disgust.
“Cohen look!” I tell him excitedly. I don’t know why I’m this excited. This was supposed to be the worst day ever, but for some reason my heart wants to burst with joy.
“What exactly am I looking at?” He studies me from head to toe.
“This, you dimwit.” I point to the small pouch on my stomach. “It’s a bump!”
“A bump?” he asks in confusion. “What the hell? A Bean bump?” He asks waiting for me to clarify. He comes up close enough to inspect and his eyes widen in shock. “Holy hell, Tate.” He smiles a genuine smile.
“A Bean bump.” I repeat studying it in the mirror.
“You’re only going to get bigger from here, Tate.” He teases me.
“Oh god.” My mood sours. “What if I blow up?” I cringe.
“You’re going to, it’s only a matter of time.”
“What’s only a matter of time?” Grams hobbles into the small room holding onto her walker for dear life.
“Until Tate blows up like a balloon.” Cohen tells her.
“You’re lucky it hasn’t already happened.” She rolls her eyes at us. “When I was pregnant with your mom I swear I was bigger than Jupiter.” She admits.
“Stop!” I whine. “I don’t want to be that big.” I tell them, now more afraid for little Bean to be growing bigger and bigger.
“You’re growing a child, Tatum. Not some freaking bean plant.” It’s Ironic that she chose that to compare it to considering Cohen and I named her Bean weeks ago.
“I know, Grams.” I walk over to my small dresser and search one of the drawers for a T-shirt. “Here, let me help you.” I tell her as she tries to make her way back to the living room. She’s been home for an entire week after spending a whole five days in the hospital. With the amount of medications she’s on the doctor said the risk of her having another heart attack are very slim. She’s still frail, and I can see it every time a normal task she used to have no problem doing seems to take all the strength right out of her.
Killian hasn’t said a word to me since that night. I spent the rest of my break alone, crying myself to sleep every night. I couldn’t wait for Cohen to come back home, and I was even more excited to have Grams back under the same roof. It was worse when I had to return to school by myself. It was torturous walking into Killian’s class that day and having him act like I was nothing to him once again. I told myself to expect it. I braced myself for that moment for days before it happened, but the minute it did my heart handled it as if it never had a warning. His eyes were cold whenever they landed on mine, and a few times I had to question myself if Thanksgiving ever actually happened. That practically seems like ages ago when I think back on it, but in all reality it’s only been about two weeks.
Two painful weeks I’ve sat in the back of Killian’s classroom being ignored. I’ve sat there every single day hoping that today would be the day he gives me some sort of hope to hold onto. But each day that passes is just another nail in the coffin. I guess I never thought this through, but the closer I get to Beans due date the more guilty I feel for not telling him. And it’s not because I feel bad for him, it’s because I don’t want Bean growing up without a father because of the decisions I make. I had a dad growing up, and he was the best man I’ve ever known to this day.
“What’s the matter, Tate?” Cohen asks as I walk back into my bedroom and plop myself down on my bed. “You have a far away look in your eyes.” He clarifies.
“You think I’m doing the right thing?” I ask him honestly.
“You know you’re the only one who can judge that.” He tells me seriously. “But if it’s any consolation, I think you’re doing great, Tatum.” He adds. I can hear the sincerity in his voice as he speaks.
“What if I mess it up?” I say in a panic. “What if Bean ends up worse off than me? I had two parents who loved me and I still turned out bad.” Shame envelopes me as I think about how good I had it growing up. How much I took my parents for granted.
“Bean is going to be fine, Tatum.” He tries to comfort me. “Besides, she’s gonna have the worlds coolest uncle. I won’t let her turn into you or me.” He promises. I can’t help but laugh at the gravity of his words.
“Oh, God.” I cover my face with my hands. “I’m doomed.” He lets out a belly laugh and I can’t help but follow suit.
Chapter 20
Tatum
I haven’t been feeling good all day. Scratch that. I haven’t been feeling good all week. My stomach’s been in knots, and I haven’t been able to hold anything down for days. I haven’t told Cohen about me being sick yet, or how it’s starting to worry me. The only thing seeming to relieve my worries is the doctors appointment I have scheduled for at the end of the week. December twelfth. It’s hard to believe that much time has gone by. It’s crazy to think I’ve made it this far. Barely. If I can’t manage to hold anything down today I might just die. I want to eat, but Bean’s had a different opinion all week. I couldn’t even mak
e it into the cafeteria without wanting to vomit. I texted Cohen letting him know I wouldn’t be at lunch, although I don’t think he was too upset considering when I passed by the cafeteria you could see Cassie Stamer perched on top of his lap from a mile away. I shake my head and continue walking. The hallways are empty and void of any noise. My feet carry me down the hallway, past the Gym, past the large and looming Library. I don’t have a destination in mind but I end up in front of his classroom anyway.
I lift my hand to knock against the closed door, but think better of it. He hasn’t spoken to me in weeks. He hasn’t given me any of those heated looks I’ve been longing for. Not a text has come my way, and Lord knows I’ve sent him plenty. He doesn’t want you. I have to tell myself to get my feet to move away. I take one step when the wooden door is thrust open and I’m nearly ripped inside.
“What the-” I start to yell out in surprise as the door is shut and locked behind me with my body pressed tightly against it.
“What are you doing?” Killian practically growls into my face. His elbows are caging me in resting against the door on either side of my head. My chest moves up and down at rapid speed as my heart hammers out of my chest.
“Nothing!” I squeak. “I was just walking by.” I tell him next.
“Are you lying?” His voice is angry.
“No!” I almost shout. “What are you doing?” I try again, but he shakes his head back and forth. His face looks raging mad, and his usual blue eyes look almost black. I shake my head back and forth not understanding what he wants. I don’t know what he wants me to say or how he wants me to respond.
“Jesus, Tatum.” He cups my cheeks with both of his hands. “Why can’t you just stay away? Why can’t I stay away?” His eyes are pleading with mine to give him answers, but I don’t have any. I’m at a loss for words. “I’m trying not to ruin you.” He tells me, his voice stricken with guilt.