Secrets We Keep

by B. K. Leigh

  “Maybe it’s too late for that.” I tell him meekly. “Maybe I’m too far gone!” I try again once I find my voice. “I’ve already been ruined, Killian.” I add on quietly. His eyebrows pinch together in remorse. I can’t even tell what he’s thinking. For once his eyes give away nothing.

  “You don’t know what this could lead to.” He grits his teeth. His nose brushes against mine sending shivers all the way down my spine to the tips of my toes. “I’ll break you.” He warns me this time.

  “I’ve already been broken.” I retort challenging him. Killian has no idea just how true that statement is. On top of it all he thinks he’ll break me, when it’s his life that’s on the line. He has everything to live for, which is more than you could say about me. I was destined for this path. I took all the wrong steps that lead me here. I made my bed, and now I have to lay in it. But Killian didn’t ask for any of this. He definitely didn’t ask for any of my baggage. So why do I keep going back? Why do I keep holding onto hope?

  We stare at each other for what feels like an eternity. I’m too afraid to pull away, too afraid to break the connection this moment seems to be holding us together with.

  “Let me let you be.” He demands, pushing his face just that much closer to mine.

  “I don’t want to.” I decide to go with the truth. He doesn’t need much convincing. His lips crash into mine like a tidal wave. Forceful and unrelenting. I ignore the fact that we’re in his classroom. I ignore the fact that he’s my teacher. I ignore the fact that we could be caught at any time. I just be. In this moment with him, it’s all I ever want. It’s as if I’ve been starved for the last couple weeks. Starved of his touch, starved of his kisses, starved of his being.

  I sigh into him as his tongue swirls against mine. Nothing about his kiss is gentle though. It brings out the alpha in him. The same man I met in the club. The same man that had the ability to make me see stars and bring me to my knees. He’s demanding, controlling, and downright forceful. His hands grope my sides until one hand latches onto my neck and the other finds my hip. His finger tips dig into the skin but instead of feeling the sting all I feel is complete lust. I want him. Badly. I want nothing more than to recreate what we did in that club. I want to wrap my thighs around his waist and take him deep inside of me. I think he wants it too. His breaths are hot and heavy, and I can feel him growing bigger and bigger through his slacks. Lord knows what I’d do to touch him like that again. To stroke him, to feel the tip of his dick with the tip of my thumb. My insides tremble with pure unadulterated need. I want him. I need him. I’m practically starving for him.

  “Killian.” I moan his name but he quickly swallows it down. He tilts my head back deepening our kiss. It’s in this moment I feel it. I’ve completely and willingly given myself to him. He can have me, broken pieces and all. As long as we can do this for the rest of our lives. I’d be content with that.

  A knock against the door has me jumping against him. He rips his body away from mine and instantly the cool air wraps around me and creeps over my heated skin. He looks wild. More like wildly fucked. If only we had gotten the chance to take it that far. At this point it feels as if that’ll never happen.

  “Mr. Matthews?” A loud knock raps against the door again and again.

  “Go sit down, Tatum.” He whispers to me before placing one last kiss against my lips. “I was just helping you with your work.” He tells me. I nod my head, understanding exactly what he’s saying. I go to take my seat as he walks back to the door ready to let whoever is on the other end into our sanctuary. His gray slacks stretch over his thighs as he saunters towards the door. His button down is crinkled from my hands. One sleeve is at his elbow, the other is mid forearm. His dark hair is wild and unruly on top of his head. I make a face. If whoever is on the other side of the door doesn’t realize just exactly what we’ve been doing then they're a moron.

  “Mr. Rosemeade, please come in.” The school Principal. Killian opens the door wide enough for the short stout man to saunter through. He scans his eyes over Killian at first and then around the classroom, stopping immediately on me. I can feel his beady eyes study me as I sit in the back row pretending to study something out of my American History book.

  “Mr. Matthews,” He begins. “You know there are to be no locked doors in this school, especially when you have a student inside.” He sneers.

  “Yes sir I know, I just wanted Miss O’Neil to be able to concentrate without any outside distractions.” Killian argues.

  “Oh, I didn’t realize it was Miss O’Neil.” His eyes lose their anger. His voice goes from stern to soft. “I do apologize for interrupting.” He tells Killian sincerely. I’m sure I’m not the only one wondering what the fuck just happened. Killian looks confused as all hell.

  “It’s no problem, Mr. Rosemeade.” Killian replies. “We were just finishing up anyway.” He shoots me a look. I start to gather my things, shoving my book and notebook into my backpack. I scurry down the row of desks and make it just to the door before I’m stopped dead in my tracks.

  “Miss O’Neil?” Principal Rosemeade speaks up. “How are you doing?” He asks with a touch of sadness to his authoritative voice. “I’ve been quite worried about you after what happened last year and all. I just want to make sure you’re getting by okay.” On one hand I can’t help but appreciate his worry, but on the other hand I can’t stand to see the pity in his pale green eyes. I don’t miss the look on Killian’s face as I struggle to respond. By this point I would have already expected the rumors to get to Killian. I had already expected him to know the entire back story and hop on the Tatum O’Neil blame train. The teachers in this school are almost just as bad as the students when it comes to spreading gossip.

  “I’m doing fine, Principal Rosemeade.” I send him a small smile. “Just trying to make sure I pass all of my classes.” I hold my bag up to bring home the point.

  “You know where to find me should you have any trouble. Have a good day, Miss O’Neil.” He politely dismisses me.

  “You too, Principal Rosemeade. Mr. Matthews.” My eyes catch his just as I turn to leave, and already I want nothing more than to be back in that bubble. I’m already thinking of ways to explain the conversation I just had with Principal Rosemeade to Killian. I know he’ll ask, or worse ask someone else. I hope that isn’t the case. Everyone has their own speculations about what happened that night, but no one actually knows. It’s all just talk. There’s only one other person in this school who knows it all and that’s Cohen, but I don’t expect him to be having any sort of conversation with Killian anytime soon.

  As soon as I’m away from Killian it’s as if my stomachache comes back full force. My insides hurt, my face feels hot, and my hands are sweaty. I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it another minute, let alone sit through an entire hour of class.

  Tatum: Can you bring me home?

  Coco: Meet you by the Gym in five.

  I smile at Cohen’s response. There’s no question whenever I need him.

  “What’s the matter, baby girl?” Cohen asks the minute I see him.

  “I feel like shit.” I admit shamelessly. “I just want to go home and sleep.” I add in next.

  “Does little Bean need a cuddle?” He jokes while throwing a lazy arm around my shoulders.

  “Yes, as long as Grams doesn’t chop your balls off for skipping with me.” I tell him worriedly.

  “Don’t worry, Tate. I can handle Grams. Besides, when are you going to see that she loves me?”

  “Whatever you say, Co.” I roll my eyes as we finally escape the confines of the school.

  Chapter 21

  Tatum

  A knock on the front door jars me awake.

  “Tatum?” I hear Grams call through the living room. “I think your friend’s back.” She mumbles over the loud TV. I clear the sleep from my blurry eyes and look around the room in confusion. Cohen was with me when I fell asleep, he should be here now. There’s darkness on the other
side of my window shades. I must have slept through the better half of the afternoon.

  The knocking on the front door starts again.

  “Tatum?” Grams calls again. “Can you go let your friend in.” She sounds annoyed now. If Cohen was here he’d let himself in. I can’t even remember the last time he actually knocked first. We’ve always just used an open door policy for both of our houses. I pad through the living room and into the kitchen and peek an eye through the small window on the front door.

  “What are you doing here?” I whisper shout as soon as I pull the door open.

  “You weren’t in class today. Why?” He sounds mad, annoyed even.

  “Killian, do you even know what time it is? What the hell are you doing here?” I pull at the hem of my large T-shirt. The movement catches his eyes, and a deep seated fire rages within.

  “Why weren’t you in class today?” He repeats his earlier question.

  “I-” I take in his worried eyes and immediately feel bad. “I didn’t feel well.” I admit.

  “Was it because of?” He raises an eyebrow in my direction. “Was it because of Rosemeade?” He finishes. I should just let him believe that. Believe that almost being caught by the school Principal made me ill, but I don’t think I have it in me to lie to him so blatantly anymore.

  “No.” I shake my head. “I didn’t feel well before that, trust me it wasn’t that.” My cheeks heat at the memory of his hands against my heated skin.

  “You look better now.” His eyes roam up my body from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. I can’t help but blush at his blatant perusal. His words don’t match the level of heat rolling around in his eyes. He gives it away. Every single time. His eyes grow darker. His lashes cover his baby blues at just the right angle, like a hood, dimming them making them appear darker than they actually are.

  “I feel better now.” I turn my eyes away from his.

  “Tatum? Who is it?” I hear Grams call over my shoulder. Killian’s eyes move to the direction of the foreign voice.

  “It’s my Grams.” I tell him as if he hasn’t already figured it out. “I have to go help her to bed.” For some reason I feel uncomfortable telling him this information.

  “You’ll be in class tomorrow?” He asks as if his life depends on my answer.

  “Sure.” I agree and close the door. Tonight the air between us feels different. Awkward almost. It still doesn’t diminish the fact that my body instantly reacts to his.

  “Come on, Grams.” I say as I walk up to her recliner. Since she was released from the hospital she’s been more fragile than usual. It’s worrying to think about her having anymore issues. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Seeing her on that bathroom floor was one of the scariest moments of my life.

  She’s slow to rise almost as if it hurts her bones to move.

  “Don’t look at me like that, Tate.” She shoos my waiting hand away wanting to do it herself.

  “Just take it, Grams.” I offer my hand to her again. “Come on.” I try again.

  “I can do it myself, Tate.” Her voice is annoyed. She’s growing agitated.

  “Here.” I jump at the deep voice. “Let me.” Killian walks up to my side and takes over. I can see the confusion in Grams eyes as some random man helps her to her feet.

  “What are you doing in here?” I whisper at his back.

  “I’m helping you.” He says as if it’s blatantly obvious.

  “I don’t need any help!” Grams tells him as she grabs for his hand anyway. “I told you I can do it on my own.” She says grumpily.

  “That’s it.” Killian coos once Grams on her feet. “You’re doing great.” He smiles at her as she takes tentative steps towards the hallway.

  “So what are you? The boyfriend?” She asks him. She still moving slow with her arm braced in Killian’s grip.

  “He’s not my boyfriend.” I try to tell her.

  “I didn’t think anyone would want that anyway.” she mutters. “No one needs that sort of responsibility.” My heart hurts as her words sting like venom. She means each and every one of them even if she doesn’t mean to directly insult me.

  “Grams.” I say her name in warning, hoping like hell she’ll shut up. I don’t need Killian asking any more questions than he already has.

  “Here you go.” Killian ignores her muttering as he helps her into her bed.

  “It’s a shame.” She starts to tell him. “You seem like such a nice young man.” She reaches her hand out to his. “Tatum’s been through so much lately, she could really use someone like you, but...”

  “Grams!” My voice grows angry as I stand in the doorway watching their exchange.

  “I have to go.” Killian manages to pull away from her embrace. “I’ll see you soon.” For the first time in a while I see Grams smile.

  “What’s your name young man?” She asks as if only now realizing she doesn’t have a clue.

  “Killian Matthews.” His voice is gruff as he tells her. Something about it makes me weak in the knees. I’ve seen him with his mother. I’ve seen him with his sister, but those don’t compare to how I’ve seen him take care of Grams. She can be stubborn and downright mean sometimes, just ask Cohen. But it seems as if she’s taken an instant liking to Killian. Hell has finally froze over.

  “You know, Killian.” She takes a deep breath. “Tatum Matthews has a nice ring to it.” As if I’m not already embarrassed enough she hit the head on the nail with that one. My cheeks are flaming hot, and I’m sure if I were standing in the light you could see the red hot blush threatening to strangle my entire body. I can hear Killian chuckle before he stands and comes back my way.

  “Goodnight, Grams.” I groan as I shut her door.

  “Don’t be like that.” Killian says as I close Grams’ bedroom door behind me.

  “Like what?”

  “Embarrassed.” He smiles lightly. “She’s cute.” His laugh is deep and throaty.

  “She’s evil.” I kid.

  “She’s not that bad, definitely has an attitude on her though.” He jokes. He stands against the counter top, his back resting against the cool marble counter.

  “You didn’t have to do that. I could have done it myself.” I push a lone strand of hair behind my ear.

  “I wanted to.” He shrugs his shoulders brushing it off like it’s no big deal.

  “Why?” I ask him the million dollar question. While he thinks up an answer I take my time studying him. I love to see him outside of school. He dresses so casually it’s as if he couldn’t possibly wear slacks and button down for a living. I remember when I first saw him at the club. I thought he worked with his hands. The callouses I remember seeing led me to believe he was some sort of construction worker. What a big difference between that and reality. But I like this about him. I like the fact that he can be both. The controlled Mr. Matthews that demands respect in the classroom, and the aggressive Killian who dominates the bedroom.

  “Why?” He scoffs. “I don’t fucking know why, Tatum.” He runs a hand through his opal waves. “It’s always this.” He moves a hand between the two of us. “We’re always going back and forth like this, why can’t we just let it be?” He’s asking himself at this point.

  “People could find out.” I show him reason, doing the exact opposite of what I want. “You could lose everything.” My feet carry me closer to him until I’m standing directly in front of him.

  “I could lose you.” His breath is just inches away from my face. If I moved just an inch his lips would touch mine.

  “I was never even yours.” I admit. It hurts, but the words are true. For one night we both let loose. For one night we went wild. We found each other, fucked each other, and then left each other. It was a cruel fate to actual be reunited again. It was even crueler when that little pink line said positive.

  “You are mine, Tatum.” His lips skim over mine. “Don’t you fucking forget that.” He growls. His mouth slams against mine. His teeth biting into the
sensitive flesh of my bottom lip.

  “Mmm.” I moan as his body leans against mine. It’s as if we were made for each other. I fit into the curves of him perfectly, like a puzzle piece. His hands grip my hips slowly moving backwards until his palms are splaying over the round globes of my ass. It’s a feeling like no other to be this completely and utterly consumed by him.

  “Where’s-” Kiss. “Your-” Kiss. “Room.” He manages to throw the words together between kisses. His lips touch every inch of my skin as he awaits my answer. I can’t even form words. I just grab his hand and head into the direction of my bedroom. I close the door behind us and push his large frame towards my bed. Him being in my bedroom makes everything else look microscopic. Killian is huge, and even that is an understatement. He stands just over six feet, and his shoulders seem just as wide. In the dark of my bedroom he looks like he could be a monster. Someone I should be scared of, but the feelings he provokes inside of me are the exact opposite.

  “What do we do now?” I ask him as he pulls me between his thighs. He’s sitting on my bed now. Just the thought of being with him like this lights a fire deep within my bones.

  “Tatum.” My name rolls off his tongue and a shiver runs down my spine. “If we do anything more than sleep right now there is no going back from that.” He takes a deep breath before continuing. “When we have sex again It’s not going to stop at that. I’m going to fuck you, own you, love you. And I will not stop.” His eyes shimmer in the darkness. “I will not stop until you breathe me. I will not stop until I’m literally running through your veins making you high and tearing you back down like a goddamn drug, because that’s how you’ve been making me feel since that first fucking night. Wild and out of control. And that’s exactly what I need from you.” His voice is gruff but serious. It’s throaty and deep. I can feel it all way down to my core.

  “Killian, I-”

  “No, Tatum. I’m being so fucking serious right now. If you can’t give me that then this will never work. And if you don’t want to give me that then this shouldn’t have ever started in the first place.” I stare at him as he lays out his entire soul for me to accept. He’s telling me everything I want and have wanted to hear for months. He’s finally mine for the taking. I shouldn’t give in. I should try like hell to stay away. Come April I’ll have a whole hell of a lot more baggage for him to carry and I should just end it now before I’m in too deep. But I can’t. I don’t have the strength to walk away from him now, and I know I won’t have the strength to walk away then. But the guilt I feel is getting heavier and heavier the longer I continue to lie to him. Keeping Bean a secret from him is torturing me from the inside out.