Secrets We Keep

by B. K. Leigh

  “See that’s the thing, Tate.” I tilt my head urging him to continue. “It isn’t Mr. Matthews’ classroom anymore.” He shrinks into himself expecting an explosive reaction from me but for some reason it doesn’t come.

  “Okay, so where did they put him? Is he on the fourth floor? They were desperate for teachers up there.” My brain racks up different scenarios on where he could possibly be, but what comes out of Cohen’s mouth next is not at all what I had expected.

  “He’s not on the fourth floor with the freshman, Tate.” He takes in a deep breath. “He’s not on the fourth floor because he’s not in this school anymore.” His words hit me like a bag of bricks. I thought Killian ghosting me while I was in the hospital was bad enough, but now this?

  “What do you mean not in the school?” I ask, my words mixed with anger and confusion.

  “He just isn’t here.” He shrugs his shoulders sheepishly.

  “Well where did he go?” I ask next. Killian’s gone so far as to quit his only job in an effort to get away from me. Tears well behind my eyelids but I will myself not to let them fall down my cheeks. I’ve cried enough this past year, over heartbreak, and relationships. I don’t know if I have any tears left.

  “I haven’t heard for sure, but I overheard some teachers outside of the office say he accepted a higher paying job.” I don’t let it show, but every single word is like another blow to my soul. How many times can one person break into a million pieces? I knew today was going to be hard, and yes I dreaded seeing Killian, but to be honest I was still holding out hope that in the end our story would have a happy ending. Maybe these couple weeks of not seeing me would make him realize what he missed, what he wanted, and what he needed in his life. Now I don’t even get that chance. I have no way of contacting him since his number has been disconnected or he blocked me, according to Google. I have no way of seeing him, even if it was going to be for only a few moments a day. I have nothing.

  “Tate?” Cohen reaches for me but I quickly pull away.

  “I’m good.” I tell him. “I’m fine, Co. I gotta get to class.” I move away from him quickly. I don’t want him to see the hurt in my eyes and pain splashed across my face for what feels like the millionth time. The halls are empty now, but I know for sure he watched me walk all the way down to the other end until I rounded the corner. I sigh with relief as I find the closest exit, and make my way into the cool winter air.

  Snow melts in small piles littered along the sides of the roads blocking most of the sidewalks. I welcome the cool air, combating the heat radiating from my red cheeks. January is almost over. The month flying by so fast is only an indication on just how quickly Bean will actually be here. Almost Three months to be exact. A pit of nerves begins to form deep in my belly as I picture the day she comes. I managed to make it six months with just me and her. I know I’ll be able to make it another three.

  Chapter 32

  Tatum

  The days have dragged on one after the other. I’ve stopped trying to contact Killian. I’ve given up on the hope that one of these days I’ll call and I’ll finally reach him. Maybe this is why everyone has such a negative attitude towards teenage pregnancy. Because we can’t handle it. We can’t handle the emotions, or maybe that’s entirely just me. I still see Killian when I close my eyes at night, and he’s my first thought when I wake up in the morning. At this point I don’t know if it’s a broken heart in mourning, or just me being completely and utterly obsessed. Cohen thinks it’s the latter of the two.

  I could say the same thing about him with the way he follows Cassie around like a lost puppy. She still hasn’t given him the time of day, and if I was in her position I wouldn’t either. But I’m not, and she doesn’t even know half the story. But like the rest of everyone else around us, she just assumes Cohen is a couple months away from being a father. As much as I love Cohen, I don’t think I would recreate with him. Although I can’t wait for the day there’s a baby Cohen running around. But those are thoughts for the future, and right now mine’s looking about as gray now as it was yesterday.

  “She said no.” Cohen informs me as he comes storming over to where I stand by my locker. My eyebrows scrunch up in confusion. “To the dance!” He throws his arms out in frustration.

  “There will be other dances, Co.” I’m not sure if it comes out as comforting as it sounded inside my head.

  “Yeah, but this is Valentines day for fucks sake.” He says angrily. “We had already made plans months ago, and she said freaking no!” He says again in disbelief. I watch as his shoulders fall in defeat. I know exactly where his anger and frustration stems from and it’s not from Cassie. It’s from me.

  “You don’t have to keep doing this, Cohen.” I can say it was just someone I met over break, I mean technically it’s a half truth right?” I lift the corner of my mouth up in an attempt to smile.

  “I wouldn’t do that to you, Tatum. No pussy is worth losing you over.” He states strongly.

  “You wouldn’t be losing me, Cohen. I just don’t want you to have to throw your life away for a mistake that wasn’t yours in the first place.”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” He throws his hands up in defense. “If I remember clearly, I’m the one who dragged your ass to the club that night. I’m the one who encouraged you to have fun. I mean, I didn’t necessarily say get knocked up, but doesn’t mean it’s not my fault for making you go in the first place.” He finishes.

  “Yeah, but you have a life to live too, Cohen. I can’t ask you to be celibate the rest of your existence.”

  “Who said anything about being celibate?” He raises an eyebrow. “There are plenty of girls who want to fuck me, even more so now than before.” He says proudly. To be honest it makes me cringe and feel relieved at the same time. I don’t want to ruin what’s supposed to be the best year of Cohen’s life.

  “So why not ask one of those girls to the dance instead?” I question him.

  “You don’t want to shit where you sleep, Tate.” He says with all seriousness. My nose scrunches in distaste at the use of his words. “It’s like this,” he runs a hand through his thick hair. “You can’t fuck a girl, and then take her to the dance. They’ll get attached. They’ll want more than I'm willing to give. And when I say no to all of the extra stuff I know they’ll want, then I don’t get to fuck them anymore.” He says it so matter of factly. As if it’s a science and he’s got it all narrowed down.

  “Okay, so why not just go to the dance alone and take someone home after?”

  “Because only losers show up to the dance alone.” he winces as if he offended me. “No offense.” He adds on quickly.

  “None taken. I’m not going to a stupid dance anyway. No one wants to walk the halls with a pregnant reject, let alone share the dance floor with her.” I shrug as if it doesn’t bother me, but to be honest at this time last year going to the senior Valentines Ball was highly anticipated. It’s up there next to Prom. Which I definitely don’t plan on attending. I’m smallish now, but I’ll be a basketball by that time.

  “You can’t skip the Ball, are you kidding me?” He says in shock.

  “I can, and I will.” I side step him.

  “Wait, Tate. We’ve waited our whole high school career for this stupid dance. You can’t not go.” His mood sounds like it’s diminished immensely in the last minute.

  “You just said it yourself, Cohen. It’s just a stupid Ball. And besides, I’m not going to risk anything with Bean. You saw what could happen on a normal day, imagine trying to dance in four inch strappy heels?” His shoulders fall dramatically.

  “I guess I never thought about it that way.” He sounds like a sullen puppy. “Well I can’t go without you, so it looks like I’m not going.”

  “What are you talking about? You just stood here trying to figure out who to take and still expected to go with me?” I ask him seriously. “I’m not about to third wheel you and another girl, Co. You’re just asking for problems at that point.”
>
  “Well, I mean. It’s not you that would be the third wheel. You know you’re my number one, always.” He promises.

  “Cohen, do you hear yourself?” I ask. “You can’t keep worrying about me. You need to live your life and do things without me. And you know what that means?” I pin my eyes on him.

  “What?”

  “It means you’re going to the Ball. I don’t care what you say.” I drag him down the hall.

  “Where are we going now?” He asks as he lets me pulls him away from the direction of his next class.

  “To get you a Tux. The Ball is tonight and you need something to wear.”

  “Can’t it wait until after school?”

  “I mean it could, but at this point skipping class is pretty much expected for the both of us. So why not?”

  ∞∞∞

  After helping Cohen pick out a Tux and black leather loafers at the mall I had him bring me home. A pounding migraine began to take over my body threatening to bring me to my knees. The worst part about being pregnant was the inability to use strong medicines when a migraine like this comes on. My body is crippled in pain as I lay in my bed and pray for sleep to take over in hopes it would subside. Just as my eyes blink close there’s a knock on my bedroom door.

  “Not now, Grams.” I whisper as loud as I can wanting to avoid hearing anything remotely loud.

  “Tatum?” Cohen’s voice has me turning over in a minute.

  “Cohen? What are you doing here, aren’t you supposed to be at the dance?” I ask him confused.

  “Are you okay, babe?” He asks me full of concern. Hes strides across my bedroom floor in a heart beat and his hand slides to my belly. “Is Bean okay?” He rushes out in pure panic.

  “I’m fine, Co. It’s just a migraine. I was just trying to sleep it off.” I half smile.

  “Are you sure? You want me to stay? I can take care of you for the night.” I know he’s trying to find every excuse in the book to find a way out of going, but he needs this. He needs to go be normal for once.

  “I’m good, Coco. Why are you here?” I turn the discussion towards him, and he actually blushes. “Co?” My eyebrows shoot up.

  “I just wanted to bring you something. My mom helped me pick it out. There’s one for both of you.” He smiles sheepishly. I watch as he reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a small pouch. He places it in the space between us. I grab for the small black velvet pouch and untie the small strings. I empty the contents inside and my eyes instantly prick with tears waiting to spill down my cheeks.

  “Cohen.” I whisper as I hold up a small bracelet and inspect the silver chain. A piece of a heart keeping each side of the chain held together.

  “There’s one for each of you.” He tells me. “For you and Bean.” He elaborates. I keep staring at the bracelet thinking how lucky I am to have someone like Cohen in my life, walking beside me even when I’m at my worst.

  “It’s beautiful.” I say teary eyed.

  “Even if Bean is a boy, he can still wear it. I got one for me too.” He rolls up his sleeve and unearths a matching silver chain with a piece of a heart holding both ends together. “So you guys always have a piece of me, even when I’m not here.” He shrugs as if it’s not the most sentimental thing he’s ever done for me.

  “I love it.” I tell him honestly before throwing myself at him. “I love you, Coco.” I whisper into the crook of his neck. “I love you always.” I add. He pulls away not wanting show any emotion.

  “You know I love you too, Tatum. And Bean.” He rubs a gentle circle on my belly. He leans forward to place a soft kiss against my forehead then stands to leave. “But I gotta go, baby girl.” He turns in a circle. “Do I look great or what?” I let out a small giggle.

  “You look fucking hot, Co.” I wink at him.

  “That’s my baby girl.” He smiles before blowing me a kiss. “I’ll see you at the stroke of midnight, babe.”

  “I’ll be waiting.” I say with a smile on my face. I watch him leave and my heart lurches. As much as I didn’t want to go to the dance, I really wish I was going with him. He’s the best friend I could ask for. The best human I know. I struggle but manage to get the silver bracelet clasped around my wrist. Standing up from my comfy spot I place the one for Bean in my old jewelry box. It’s small enough to be able to fit her once she’s born, and big enough to be able to grow with her once she gets bigger. I lay back down. The migraine I had managed to forget about for a whole five minutes is back at a torturous rate. I close my eyes and pray for sleep to take over.

  Chapter 33

  Tatum

  I wake up during the middle of the night to hushed whispers flowing into my cracked bedroom door like an early spring breeze. I check the time on my phone 2:45 in the morning, and chalk it up to Grams arguing with whatever soap opera is on the TV at this time of night. She’s been staying up later, and later lately. She’s been complaining her new medication has been throwing off her sleeping schedule. I tuck my phone underneath my pillow and fall back asleep.

  I wake in the morning with a pit of nausea deep in my belly. Beans kicking around like crazy, and the way she’s been positioned against my ribs lately isn’t helping at all. I stretch my arms out and turn over. That half of the bed is still made up for the most part and painfully cold. Cohen must have gone home with someone last night. I smirk to myself as a smile creeps over my face. He always has a knack for making things work out in the end. I bet it was Cassie too. It’s always the ones who play hard to get.

  For a minute I thought I heard Haley’s voice coming in from the living room, but think better of it. There’s no way she’d come for a visit now, not with how upset she was when she left after Christmas. I bypass playing on my phone and make my way into the bathroom instead. The nausea is definitely on full force today making me feel as if I’m minutes away from throwing up everything I’ve eaten in the last week.

  Dr. Forbes told me this would happen. Even with all of the medicine she’s prescribed me over the weeks, she told me I’d still get the nausea spells. I’d hoped she was wrong, but I guess it turns out she actually knows what she’s talking about.

  I can’t seem to shake the nausea or the feeling of dread beginning to build deep in my bones. Maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t studied for Mrs. Montgomery’s test on Monday, and it’s just my subconscious reminding me. This time when I come out of the bathroom, there is no mistaking it is my sisters voice I hear. I pad through the living room, and surprisingly the TV isn’t on. There isn’t any soap opera playing or even Grams’ last choice, the morning news.

  As I walk into the kitchen the voices quickly come to an end. Haley is seated across the table from Grams. Each have a coffee mug planted in front of them, but the weird part about it is the third mug half filled plated in front of the seat next to them. I narrow my eyebrows just before digging through the refrigerator.

  “So, you guys going to tell me what this surprise visit is all about?” I ask sarcastically just as I turn around to face them. “What’s wrong?” The sarcasm from my voice disappears as soon as I see the look on Haley's face. My eyes move from her to Grams, and I can feel a sudden burst of adrenaline begin to pump through my veins. “Grams, what happened? Are you alright?” I stand there frozen in place, waiting for what feels like forever.

  “Tatum,” My sister starts. Her voice sounds like she’s on the edge of tears.

  “You’re gonna want to sit down, Tate.” Grams cuts in. I hear her words, but my feet make no effort to move. The night my parents died begins to play in my head over and over again. This is what this feels like. Their forlorn faces, and tear filled eyes are beginning to make me think the worst.

  “I’m fine,” I manage to get out. I lift a bottle of water to my lips and choke it down around the lump forming in my throat.

  “Sit down, Tatum.” Haley’s voice cracks as she throws the command my way. This time I find myself doing what I'm told. Cohen would laugh. I’ve never been one to follow
the rules, let alone follow anything Haley’s ever told me.

  “Just spit it out, Haley. What could possibly be so bad?” My words come out strong though I feel anything but. “Did you get a new diagnosis? Were your medications messed up?” I fire out both questions, but the look on their faces remain the same.

  “Tatum, something happened last night.” My sister lets out slowly, evenly. My eyebrows pinch together in confusion as my heart beats out of control.

  “Okay.” I draw out hoping it would coax whatever else she has to tell me.

  “Cohen,” She starts. I can feel my chest constrict at the sound of his name falling from her lips, drenched in so much pain. My eyes shoot over to Grams hoping like hell she’s going to tell me something different. That Haley’s talking out of her ass like usual and this is all just one big joke. But she turns away, her eyes going towards the window instead of facing me head on.

  “Cohen was in an accident, and he didn’t make it.” My head begins to shake back and forth as denial instantly takes over my body.

  “You’re lying.” I accuse her. Even though in my heart I know she’s not. “I know you hated him, but how could you even joke like that? After mom and dad?” My voice raises a few octaves too high. This time when I look to Grams there’s no mistaking the lone tear rolling down her cheek.

  “Tatum,” Haley takes a deep breath before continuing. “This isn’t a joke. Cohen was in a car accident last night, and he- he didn’t make it.” She swallows around her last words deeply, as if they were stuck in her throat.

  “Grams?” I look to her waiting for the truth to come out, but it never comes. My heart cracks as Haley stands and leaves the room, her face red and eyes down cast. I stand up swiftly almost losing my balance as I do.

  “Tatum, I think it’s best we head to Kathy’s. She’s just lost her son, she can’t lose you and the baby too.” Grams’ words break me. My knees crack as they slam to the floor. The dam holding back my tears seems to have let loose and everything begins to turn into a blur. A pain so deep I’ve never felt before hits me like a ton of bricks.