by B. K. Leigh
“I can walk, Killian.” I try to protest but we’re halfway to Dr. Forbes at this point.
“You’re in labor with my child right now, you think I would let you walk into the hospital?” He shoots me a look that says he thinks I lost my mind. Maybe I have. Is he even really here right now? With my luck this could just be some sick dream.
“It’s not a dream, baby girl.” I can hear Cohen’s voice just when I need it most. The voices of Killian and Dr. Forbes begin to blur behind me. The pain I’m feeling is starting to take over my body completely.
“Stay strong, baby girl. Bean is coming, she’s gonna need you to be here.” He urges.
“We’re almost to your room, Tatum.” Dr. Forbes comes up to my side keeping pace with whoever is wheeling me down the hallway. “Seems like we might have a baby tonight.” She says excitedly with a bright smile plastered on her face. I don’t even respond to her though, my eyes search around her for Killian who’s nowhere to be found.
“Where is he?” I ask her urgently. Every emotion I’ve ever experienced begins to creep its way deep into my bones. “Where’s Killian?” I ask desperately. I can feel the tears begin to prick behind my eyelids. My throat runs dry as I realize he’s left. Again.
“Don’t worry, Tatum. I just had him fill out some forms real quick. We still have some time, better to get it done beforehand.” She grabs my hand and holds it tight for reassurance. “He’s not going to leave you.” She promises me this time. I take a deep breath and hang on to her words tightly. This time I choose to believe her. Something about this time feels real. Something about this time feels permanent.
Chapter 41
Tatum
Dr. Forbes kept her word. Killian never left my side. He still hasn’t. He stayed through the entire thirteen hours of labor. Even when the pain I was feeling turned into projected hatred for him. He did everything he was supposed to, and the entire time not once did he act as if it wasn’t exactly where he wanted to be. Being with him seemed easy. For once everything felt normal as if our worlds had finally aligned.
Dr. Forbes was in strict doctor mode. Not once breaking into the excited auntie role I know she so desperately wanted be. The only time Killian would step away from my bedside was when she’d threaten him with lethal force, or to have him removed from the room completely.
Killian stayed rubbing my back, holding my hand, trying to take the pain away. When the time came for Bean to finally come, a wave of nerves and anxiety washed over my entire body. The only thing I was able to hang onto through it all was the support I had from Killian.
My heart nearly shattered when the piercing cry of a new born baby flooded the entire room. I let out a string of tears, especially when I saw the raw emotion take over Killian’s face. It was as if in that moment I saw him fall in love for the very first time. I watched in awe as Dr. Forbes held Bean up for everyone to see beaming from ear to ear with a bright smile.
“You did so good, sweetheart.” Killian said as he bent down to nuzzle my neck as tears streamed down my cheeks. I never felt so much love and joy in my entire life. It was as if everything I had ever been through washed away the minute Bean entered the world. I didn’t care about anything or anyone else like I did the second I saw Bean’s face.
The best feeling in the world was when Dr. Forbes placed Bean on my chest for the first time. All clean and wrapped up tightly in a small little white blanket. The giant hole in my heart that had been present for the last however many months had immediately filled with love for this tiny baby. It didn’t take long for Bean to quickly fall asleep pressed against chest, and it didn’t take long for me to follow suit quickly after. By this time it was the middle of the night and I was exhausted. My body had been through so much in the past thirteen hours, let alone the past nine months.
∞∞∞
“I’m not gonna go anywhere.” I can hear his raspy tired voice from somewhere in the distance. “I’ll never leave you or your mama again.” He vows. I slowly open my eyes and catch sight of Killian sitting on a small ottoman in the corner of the hospital room. In his arms is our baby boy.
Jackson Cohen Matthews. Born April 18th at seven pounds, seven ounces, and 21 inches long. My baby boy is perfect. The entire time in my belly I was convinced he was going to be a girl. Cohen was more than positive he was a girl too. To be honest I think some how the universe twisted and turned when I lost him and gifted me with a sweet baby boy in return. Fate works in mysterious ways.
“I’m gonna love you forever,” Killian taps Jackson’s nose while staring intensely into his face. “And your mama too.” He adds placing a soft kiss against his forehead. “I’m going to teach you everything you’ll ever need to know.” He promises. “Football, hockey, pottery.” He tells him with a straight face. In this moment I want to believe everything he’s saying. I want to believe he wont walk away at the first sight of problems again. I don’t know how long it will take for my heart to get over the pain and destruction that is Killian Matthews, but I will make it a point to try. Not just for me, but for Jackson too. At some point I felt the air shift between Killian and I, and something about this time feels completely different. As if we needed to find ourselves before finding our way back to each other.
“Pottery?” I question out loud for the first time. I watch as Killian's eyes snap up and make contact with mine. There’s a look of uncertainty swimming deep in his irises.
“Whatever he wants.” He answers. “I’ll teach him whatever he wants.” He doesn’t take his eyes off of me as he speaks, and I can hear the double meaning in his words. He stands in one swift move and walks over to my bedside. I can’t help but admire the way Killian looks with a newborn in his arms. It’s as if he’s finally grown into a man, a father, but still has the same playful eyes. I can’t see the boy I met so many months ago anymore. He’s changed, evolved into the man standing before me. I wonder if he realizes it too.
I hold my arms out as he places Jackson onto my chest, and immediately he snuggles against my warm skin. He looks just like his daddy. There’s no doubt he’s Killian’s twin. His eyes are the same as Killian’s. They are the most intense blue I’ve ever seen. His hair is long and dark. Dr. Forbes made sure to mention the fact that most baby’s aren’t even born with so much hair when they’re born. He does have my nose however, and for that one tiny thing I’m grateful considering I carried him for nine long months. For a brief moment I remember the time Cohen and I joked about this happening. That small thought has me smiling.
“What are you smiling about?” Killian questions with a raised eyebrow.
“Cohen always joked about Bean coming out looking just like you. He said I’d end up with a baby boy who was your exact twin.” I laugh softly. “But I was convinced he was a girl, he was right.” I decide to indulge him on my most fond memories.
“I think he looks just like you.” He tells me with utmost certainty. I take this moment to indulge in the conversation I know we both have been ignoring.
“Killian,” I look to him sternly. I take a deep breath before speaking again. “What are you doing?” I ask him bluntly. “What are we doing?” My words are loud enough for him to hear, but not loud enough to disturb the baby.
“I’m here.” He looks me straight in the eyes. “And I’m not going anywhere.” He promises. This time I believe him. I don’t want to keep living my life on past experiences. I need to grow up, not just for me but for Jackson too.
“How can you be sure?” I question. “How do you know now, after months of being confused, that this is what you want?” He takes my free hand and brings it up to his chest as he finally answers me.
“I’m not going anywhere, Tatum. It took one look at Jackson to realize the last nine months I was nothing but a pathetic piece of shit.” I flinch at his words as they flow from his lips. “I hurt you in so many ways all because I was confused. I never thought I deserved you. I thought you needed better, and I still do. But let me tell you one thing, sweethe
art. I will not leave my son or you ever again. Even if it takes days, months, or years to gain back that trust. I’m telling you right now, I will.” He brings my knuckles to his mouth and brushes them with his soft lips. My eyes close in the familiarity of his touch. I don’t respond to what he’s said. I couldn’t even if I tried. The ball lodged deep in my throat is making it hard to breathe let alone speak. A tear rolls down my cheek as I open my eyes this time. Killian swipes at it with his thumb and leans in to kiss my temple. It’s at that moment Jackson lets out a soft sigh. As if he can feel the emotions swimming in the air. As if he’s finally home and he can feel it. His mama and daddy are both together with him and it’s putting him at ease.
Chapter 42
Tatum
Our stay in the hospital wasn’t long, and we were able to leave within just a few days. Gram’s and Haley came by to see us more than once, and more than once did the tears turn on like waterworks. Although Dr. Forbes delivered the baby she managed to sneak in a few times while on shift to see her new nephew. I’d like to think her intuition was right. That Killian was here to stay, but there’s an entire life ahead of us, and only time will tell. For Jackson’s sake, I owe it to him to try.
“You have to go for it, baby girl.” I can hear Cohen’s voice as if he were in the room with me. “Today’s a gift, tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, and yesterday is long gone. You need to live life for you now, for Jackson. Go for it.” I know he’d be the first person to support me with any decision I made, even if it meant going back to the very man who caused me so much pain in the first place. He’d smile just because I was, and stay by my side no matter what.
Every day Jackson gets bigger I swear I see a little bit of Cohen growing in his personality. It’s the little mannerisms that get me. The way his face morphs from one emotion to the next with such a soft elegance reminding me of Cohen every time. When I look into his eyes it’s as if I’m looking into Cohen’s, although they differed in color. I thank God every day for granting me this baby, and throwing some of Cohen’s well missed spice in him. Around his wrist is the second gift his uncle Co ever gave him, a piece of his heart that will forever be with him. And every night he sleeps with the elephant Cohen had bought him from so many nights ago. “I get to be the first person to buy Bean a present.” I remember our conversation exactly. I hope like hell there won’t come a day when these memories fade, and Cohen’s lost forever. I vowed to him I’d tell Bean all about him, just as if he’s still here with us. And that is exactly what I plan to do.
It’s been one month since we came home from the hospital, and by home I mean home to Killian’s. It was a hard decision to make, but I had to make it in the best interest of Jackson, even though a good part of me knew it was for myself also.
When we first got here I thought there was still so many things I needed to get and no time to get them. That was until Killian led me upstairs to the small spare across from his bedroom. He had turned it into a nursery with everything I’d ever needed placed inside. Painted in soft blues, and yellows with warm sunlight flowing through the large window. A brand new crib was placed against the far wall with a changing table right beside it. The hardwood floors has a soft rug set on top to bring warmth to the large area. It felt like home. It still does.
Not only was this room a completed nursery, but inside the small walk in closet was boxes and boxes of different sized diapers and clothes.
“Bianca said that babies grow fast, you never know what size they’ll be in a week from now.” He had told me with sweet uncertainty. It was that moment that I knew I was in the right place. I knew this was where I was meant to be. Me, Jackson, and Killian. The family I had wanted for so long. The family I had once been apart of when I was young, before unseen events had ruined that.
I’m not the same girl I was back then. I’m different now. I grew up the second my eyes found Jackson's. I promised him I’d do everything in my power to make sure he’d never want for anything. I didn’t expect anything from Killian. My hopes were low, but a part of me still clung onto the dream of us being together I once had. If you take everything we’ve been through, I’d say we made it out on the other side.
Killian kept his word. Every single day since we’ve been home, he’s done nothing but be here for me. He hasn’t left my side. He hasn’t left Jackson’s, and I know once he returns to work it will be twice as hard on all of us.
“What are you thinking about?” I catch his eyes as soon as I hear his deep voice from the bedroom doorway. I’m sitting in the small white rocking chair with Jackson in my arms, sound asleep.
“You.” I dead pan. I watch as his mouth tilts up in a half smile and his eyes alight with mischief. “Not that!” I chuckle at his playfulness.
“Liar.” He says just before bending down to place a gentle kiss against Jackson’s forehead and planting a matching one on mine. “No, really. Tell me.” He pries.
“I was just thinking about how I finally feel like I’m home.” I tell him with all seriousness.
“That’s a good thing, sweetheart. Because I don’t ever plan on letting you go.”
Acknowledgments
This one is for the few people who pushed me every day to finish this book. The few people devoted to my writing and stories. My ride or die people. The ones who inspire my characters. The ones who I lean on for advice. I wouldn’t have had a story without them. The real world would have kept me hostage, but because I had them I was able to produce a story I love. This one’s for Emma, Terri, and my Mom.
About The Author
B.K. Leigh is from a small town in central Massachusetts. When not at her full time job she enjoys spending her time outdoors with her longtime boyfriend. Fishing, cliff jumping, and long spontaneous road trips are her absolute favorite. When not outside exploring you can find her inside face-timing her many nieces and nephews, or cooped up on her comfy sack with her nose buried in a book. She has since turned her love for reading into writing. She loves creating stories based on what she likes to read, and hopes her readers loves them just as much.