by B. K. Leigh
Finally making it into the solace of my bedroom, I close the door behind me and take a much needed deep breath. These days it feels as if leaving this space is like trying to leave my lifeline. These four walls have been holding me together for weeks now. I close my eyes for a second and then open them, finally feeling the calm I've been so desperately trying to reach.
It’s short lived when yet another carnation is laying flat on my bed. This one blood red. It’s pretty but out of place from all of the others. Right beside it is a small object wrapped in tissue paper. Unraveling the paper seems like it takes forever, and once I do I discover the exact button I had gotten Killian for Christmas attached to a small silver chain. The George Washington Inaugural button was a hard one to find, but it was perfect for Killian. I lift it up and watch as the small button spins until straightening out and coming to a stop. It’s magnificent really. By itself it was just a piece of History, something to keep on a shelf and to never be touched or worn again, but now hanging on this chain it’s timeless. Priceless. I take the now small piece of man made jewelry and wrap it back up in the small fine tissue paper and immediately do something I shouldn’t.
Tatum: I don’t want your gifts, Killian. I want you to leave me alone.
I text him, knowing it won’t go through. He’s had me blocked for weeks. I gave up trying to reach him over a month ago. Meanwhile I add the blood red carnation into the vase with all the others and place them on the windowsill in my room and wait minute after minute for a text I know will never come. I wait, and wait, and wait. Until there’s nothing left to wait for. Bianca assured me Killian would come around sooner or later and I’d be lying if I said a small piece of my heart wasn’t hoping exactly for that.
Just as I’m about to fall asleep I can hear the soft buzz of my phone. As surprised as I am, I know exactly who it is, Bean chooses that same moment to kick around in my belly.
K: It wasn’t a gift, Tatum. I just figured it would look better on you, rather than sitting on my mantel for the rest of its life.
My eyebrows pinch together in confusion as I read his words over and over in my head. I can’t put my finger on the game he’s trying to play this time. I should be used to it by now. I should know all of the red flags when I see them. But when it comes to Killian I am completely and utterly blind. I wished he kept me blocked.
He’s trying to play it cool, I know he is. But why would he go out of his way to leave it in the first place? Is it guilt? Loneliness? And even if he gives me a nonchalant answer with the button now turned necklace, what about all of the carnations? I’ve gotten dozens since I last saw him at Cohen’s funeral. At least two, maybe three a day, all placed strategically in my line of view. On my bathroom counter, my bedroom windowsill, the front steps. How many times has he actually been here? Has Grams and Haley been helping him? I doubt Haley has, she’s made it very clear of her disdain for him.
All I know is at this point, I’m just that much more confused. As I lay in my bed I find myself wishing for the one thing I know I’ll never be able to have again. I’m wishing for Cohen, even if he were to just sit here and tell me about everything I’m doing wrong in this world. At least I’d have someone to talk to. There’s no way I can go spill my guts to Grams, even though she basically watches soap operas for a living. I’m sure she wants no business listening to mine. Haley could be less bothered with my problems, especially considering she’s one hundred percent positive I’ve destroyed not only my life but hers as well.
In the end I decide not to even reply to Killian. The only thing he ever manages to do is confuse me on all levels. If it’s not confusing, then it’s definitely going to be heart break, and that's something I definitely can’t handle right about now. I already have to deal with the disappointment of knowing he’s the one who left me the flowers in the first place. I wish he’d had never told me it was him. Once again he’s managed to take away my only ounce of happiness.
Chapter 39
Killian
She never replied to my text last week. A whole week, and I’ve gotten nothing but silence. I can’t help but blame myself for her indifference. I’ve screwed her over on more than one occasion, and I wont blame her if she’s written me off for good.
“Dude I swear every time I’ve seen you lately you look like a goddamn lost puppy.” Liam chimes in over the sound of the sand paper hitting the window frame. After the number Tatum did to my house about a month ago we’ve just now gotten around to fixing everything. First things first was a new picture window. The spider webbed glass wasn’t the best aesthetic.
“You need to get laid.” He adds in next.
“I don’t need to get laid.” I grunt in annoyance. “I’m fine.” I tell him as I put a little too much force into the work I’m doing.
“You need something.” He mumbles under his breath next.
“Hey, when we’re done with this could you help me with the spare upstairs?” I ask, changing the subject completely.
“Yeah. Why? What’s wrong with the spare?” He asks with a confused look on his face.
“Nothing’s wrong with it, just wanna make some changes to it.” I shrug it off like it’s no big deal. I don’t miss the skeptical look he shoots me as I desperately try to avoid his prying eyes.
“I’ll make you a deal, big brother.” I cringe as soon as the words fall from his lips. I stop what I’m doing and focus what little attention I have left on him.
“I’m not getting laid.” I huff as I roll my eyes for what seems like the hundredth time.
“No, no, that’s not what I was gonna say.” He holds a hand to his chest like he’s been hurt. I give him a look that says to get on with it, hoping he’ll take the hint.
“I’ll help you fix up the upstairs spare to whatever the hell your heart desires, as long as you get your shit together and get your girl back.” Normally I’d laugh it off. Liam is not a serious man by any means, but judging by the way his eyes are stern and voice sincere, I know he means it.
“I told you I was fine, Liam. Isn’t that good enough?” My shoulders drop as I try to defend myself yet again.
“You’re not fine, K. Look at your house.” He throws his arms in every direction. “Look at you.” He adds on next. “You have a freaking kid on the way and nothing to show for it. That's not even adding in the fact that this woman you’re so deeply in love with,” He makes sure to air quote the last of that sentence before continuing. “Was your student.” He dead pans. “Even if she’s eighteen.” He mocks me.
“Doesn’t that tell you enough right there?” My voice raises slightly. “Doesn’t that right there tell you exactly why I am the way I am?” There’s a moments pause between us. Too much time seems to go by before the next time one of us speaks.
“So?” He finally speaks up, breaking the silence. “We got a deal, big brother or what?” I know him well enough to know he’ll never let this conversation go. I know him enough to know I’ll never be able to say no to him, even if whatever it is might kill me. It’s time to man up. Leaving flowers here or there isn’t going to cut it. I have a child on the way and a woman that I love. It’s about time I start acting like it.
“We got a deal.” I hold my hand out and wait for him to grasp it. We shake on it firmly and head straight back to the task at hand.
Chapter 40
Tatum
As the days pass by my belly keeps growing bigger. Bean will be here soon. My due date is only one week away. My nerves are through the roof. What if she hates me? What if I’m a bad mother? Every day the worst case scenario weighs on my mind. To make matters worse, Haley is a constant negative Nancy buzzing in my ear. I have one week to get my shit together. One week to grow up, officially.
I was able to earn my diploma early. With the way my online classes worked, I was able to double my workload each day letting me finish just in time. All though I opted out of walking with the rest of my class for graduation. It wouldn’t feel right walking across that stage with
out Cohen. It was always something we had dreamed about doing together. Not having him here would just be the cherry on top of my life of disappointment. Now it’s just one less thing to worry about, and for that I’m thankful.
Today I find myself walking to the park. A place I used to go with Cohen all the time. At all hours of the day we found solace in having a place to go that was private, at least for us. A safe place outside of the safety of our homes, and each other. I figured some fresh air would do me good on a nice sunny day like today. Haley objected, but Grams couldn’t care less. She was headed to physical therapy with Haley anyway. I figured it was probably one of the last days I’d have left to myself for the next eighteen years.
I take a seat on my favorite bench and remember every time I sat here with Cohen by my side, talking through life. Even the times I ended up here without him, including now. I can’t keep going through life feeling sorry for myself. It seems as if it’s all I do these days, but it’s time to man up. To be strong, not only for myself but for Bean too.
That’s not to say I haven’t changed. I feel like a different person compared to the girl I was at this time last year. Last year I had two parents who loved me, a best friend that would ride or die for me, and a future with endless possibilities. I don’t regret the path I took that lead me here. Although it took a hell of a time to get here. I’d never regret Bean. I only wish I could change some of the things along the way. Like the fact that I still hope for Bean to have two parents that love her, not just a dysfunctional family stitched together by different odds and ends. Maybe Bianca is right, maybe Killian will come around. He’s still been leaving carnations for me every single day, except this time he’s been leaving small notes each and every time. They started out small and minuscule, but slowly turned into more meaningful words.
Tatum,
Please forgive me
-K
That was just the first one, but my most favorite is the one I woke up to today.
Tatum,
I love you more today, than I did yesterday.
-K
I hate how a few simple words can have my heart beating to life once again. Sometimes it feels like a flower in full bloom. It’s not fair that he can have this effect on me, mind, body, and soul. Not to mention the fact that every single day I sit here and wonder how the heck he gets into my house. He’s in and out before I wake up. It’s weird and endearing at the same time, but if anyone were to ask I’d deny the feelings he’s provoking until my last breath.
I’ve noticed more of an effort on his part, even if it is minuscule. He’ll text me everyday, even if it’s just something small. Even when I haven’t gotten the nerve to text him back yet, or respond to all of the notes. It’s as if he’s had a one way conversation with himself for the past few weeks. It kills me not to respond. To not tell him about Bean. To not talk to him about how I’m feeling in general about everything. Even talk to him about Cohen, as mad as that would most likely make him. At the same time, I bet he could always get information about the pregnancy from Bianca anyway if he really wanted, and I’m sure Grams isn’t holding anything in whenever she sets her eyes on him.
I get up to leave once Bean begins to kick uncontrollably. As I walk home, the pain I thought was coming from her kicks make me soon realize I might be having contractions. I remember Dr. Forbes explaining to me to make sure I time them when they come, especially if they come on strong. Boy are they strong. I get to the end of my driveway when I’m nearly doubling over in pain. It’s about halfway to the front steps when I feel a rush of warm hot liquid flow down my leggings. My heart sinks when I realize the car isn’t in the driveway, and Haley must still be with Grams at physical therapy. At this point I have one hand on my belly and the other gripping onto the railing giving me all of its support. Meanwhile I feel as if I can still feel the warm fluid steadily leaking out of me. Bean sends another kick to my side just as another contraction begins to come on, and my face contorts in pain.
I grab my phone from the front pocket of my sweatshirt and call the one person I hope will show up.
My nerves are heightened as I wait for him to pick up on the other side of the phone.
“Tatum?” I can hear the question and worry in his voice as my name rushes out of his mouth.
“Killian,” I grunt around the pain. “I-I think I’m in labor!” I rush out. I know I am. The unmistakable pain of contractions mixed with my water breaking is more than enough to know this is the real deal. Even with all of the stories I’ve read about false labor and Braxton Hicks contractions, this definitely feels like the real deal.
“I’ll be right there, sweetheart!” He rushes out. I can hear the slam of his car door before he can even finish his sentence.
It doesn’t take long for him to get here. The screech of car tires sends little relief through my body. The strong contractions however are a tough pain to mask. I can’t even enjoy the sight of Killian in his tight white cotton T-shirt, or the gray basketball shorts that hang low on his hips.
“Come on, Tatum.” He comes to my aid as soon as the car is in park. “Let’s get you in the car.” He grabs hold of my arm and helps me hobble to the passenger door.
“I’m wet!” I exclaim as anxious tears begin to leak from my eyes. He must not understand exactly what I mean as his face scrunches together in confusion. “I’m gonna ruin your seat.” This time I don’t even cringe at the sound of my whining. I gesture to my saturated pants and watch as clarity enters his eyes.
“Fuck the seat, Tatum. Our baby’s on the way!” He helps me in and reaches for the buckle before I even have time to dispute what he’s saying. My baby. I wanted to remind him. Instead I find I’m reminding myself to be grateful he showed up in the first place.
He drives fast, as if it were a scene from a movie. I swear we look like the couple from Look Who’s Talking. Matter of fact our relationship might as be the same as theirs too. The entire way to the hospital I squirm in my seat trying not to let the pain turn me into a wild animal. It’s strong, fast, and seems to be magnifying as time goes by.
“We’re on our way there right now.” I hear Killian bite out. He sounds worried, terrified? I didn’t even notice him call anyone. “I don’t know, B.” Now he sounds annoyed. “Yes, just give me a second. I’ll ask her myself.”
“Tatum?” He speaks to me as if he might scare me away. “Bianca- Dr. Forbes needs to know how far apart the contractions are?” He asks gently. I’ve never seen him more vulnerable than in this moment. The look on his face must replicate my own. In this moment I think he can actually feel my pain, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
“I-I don’t know.” I bite out as my eyes close tightly. “I lost count.” I admit. As soon as I got within Killian’s vicinity I lost all train of rational thought. Surprise, surprise.
“She doesn’t know.” He tells his sister. “We’ll be there soon. Are you going to be there? What do I do?” He fires out all at once. I can hear the tail end of Bianca’s calm voice coming through the phone. I’ve never seen her stressed out or worried, even in situations that can be anything but.
“Okay, I’ll see you there.” As soon as Killian ends the phone call his palm comes to rest on my thigh. He doesn’t remove it even with the sticky wetness still clinging to my skin.
Everything has happened so fast. It’s been about forty minutes since I had arrived home. Even though it felt like it took Killian no time to show up, it was still about twenty minutes from the time I ended our phone call. Within all of that time frame I lost track of the most important thing of all. Bean. I forgot my counting. I forgot about her kicks. The sudden realization of having her in this world has my head spinning. If this was any other situation I know Cohen would be packing an emergency bowl for relief. There's nothing that can calm my nerves. The warm squeeze of Killian’s palm on my thigh definitely helps.
“I need Cohen!” I whisper to myself as my brain scrambles to remember everything we had planned for when Bean
was on the way.
“Everything’s gonna be okay, sweetheart.” Killian replies. He must have heard me. Bean picks that exact moment to kick into my ribs. It’s as if she knows her daddy is here. Even though that should be a happy revelation, it’s still devastating enough to make me cry out in pain. She does it once more and this time, Killian places his palm on my belly exactly where she’s having a frenzy. “Shh,” He coos gently while stepping on the gas pedal a little harder. “Daddy’s gonna get your mama to the hospital in no time, little one.” I try to ignore the feelings his words stir up.
I start to breathe heavier as I feel another contraction come on.
“Fuck!” I let out in a rush. My entire body feels as if it’s on a chopping block. My insides feel like they’re being scrambled. “Fuck-shit-fuck.” I let out another string of curse words.
“I’m sorry, Tatum. We’re almost there.” I have no idea what exactly he’s apologizing for, but at this point it could be for a number of things, most likely the fact that I’m only in this painful situation right now because of what we did. If he didn’t have super swimmers I wouldn’t be in this position. Or, if we used protection.
“It hurts so bad,” I half cry in pain while doubling over.
“I know, sweetheart. I know.” He rubs my back as I curl into myself. Even if it’s not relieving the physical pain, it’s definitely helping with the emotional aspect of it. Having him next to me provides a calm I know no one else could give me. It’s reassuring. Hearing those words come out of his mouth has me actually believing them, and right now that’s exactly what I need.
“It’s okay, Bean.” I whisper to my big belly. “Daddy’s here.” I tell her. “He’s right here.” I try to whisper low enough for just her to hear, but by the way Killian gives me a reassuring squeeze on my neck I know he can hear me too. I don’t know how long he’ll stick around for, but right now is the only time that matters.
We pull in front of the hospital in no time. It takes only a minute to find Dr. Forbes standing there in doctor mode with a wheel chair in hand and a nurse by her side. Killian throws the car in park and rushes over to my side. He lifts me up in one swift move.