Junie B., First Grader Jingle Bells, Batman Smells! (P.S. So Does May.)

by Barbara Park

  And I had to have one of those things, I tell you!

  I just had to!

  7

  Doing the Math

  That day, I ran home from my bus stop speedy fast.

  'Cause Wednesday is Grampa Miller's day to babysit my baby brother Ollie! And—when I need money—Frank Miller is the man to talk to!

  I yelled for him at the top of my voice.

  “GRAMPA MILLER! HEY, GRAMPA MILLER! I NEED YOU! I NEED YOU!” I hollered out.

  He called up from the basement.

  “Junie B.? Is that you? I'm down here with Ollie! We're fixing the dryer!”

  I hurried down there as fast as I could.

  Ollie was sitting in the laundry basket. He was hammering his shoe with his red plastic hammer.

  I patted him on his head.

  Ollie has a screw loose, I think.

  After that, I raced to my grampa. And I climbed up on the dryer.

  “I am so glad you are here, Grampa Miller! On account of Friday I have to buy gifts at the school gift shop. And Mother is giving me five dollars.”

  I grabbed him by his shirt collar.

  “But I need more, Frank! I need five whole dollars more! 'Cause five and five is ten. And ten dollars will buy me everything I want!”

  My grampa did a chuckle.

  “You sweet little girl. You don't need to spend a lot of money on gifts for Grandma and me,” he said. “One dollar apiece is just fine. And I'm sure your mother and daddy and Ollie feel the same way.”

  He put me down from the dryer.

  “It's not how much a gift costs that makes it special, Junie B.,” he said. “It's the thought that counts.”

  I looked and looked at that man.

  I was not making myself clear, apparently.

  “Okay, here's the deal,” I said. “Grampas have to give their grandgirls however much money we want. It's the rules.”

  Grampa Miller raised his eyebrows.

  “Oh, it is, is it?” he said.

  After that, he chuckled some more. And he went behind the dryer again.

  I scratched my head.

  This attitude was throwing me for a loop.

  I climbed back up on the dryer. And I tapped on his head.

  “How come you're not getting this, Grampa? It's so simple,” I said. “I need five dollars and you have five dollars. Boom! Do the math.”

  Grampa Miller looked up at me.

  “Boom! Do the math?” he repeated. “Is that what you just said?”

  Then, all of a sudden, he did a loud hoot of laughing.

  “Boom! Do the math! Ha! That's priceless!” he said.

  I crossed my arms very annoyed.

  'Cause Boom! Do the math is not a laughing matter.

  I got down from the dryer very grouchy.

  “Oh, just never mind the whole thing,” I grumped.

  Then I started to go upstairs. But Grampa called me back.

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't go away mad,” he said.

  I turned around.

  And wait till you hear this!

  That man was taking money out of his wallet!

  “You're going to do all right in life, little girl,” he said real nice.

  And then he gave me five whole dollars!

  “Thank you, Grampa! Thank you! Thank you!” I said.

  Then I gave him my biggest hug ever.

  And I ran upstairs to tell Philip Johnny Bob!

  Philip Johnny Bob is my bestest stuffed elephant.

  I have known him ever since he got manufactured.

  I picked him up and threw him in the air.

  “THE SQUEEZ-A-BURP, PHILIP! I'M GOING TO GET THE SQUEEZ-A-BURP!” I hollered real joyful.

  Philip looked down from the air.

  He said to please stop throwing him.

  I caught him all safe and sound.

  Then I sat him on my pillow. And I told him all about the gift shop. Plus I showed him the list of gift items.

  “The gift shop is where you go to buy things for others … mostly,” I said. “And so I'm only buying one little toy for myself. And that's all. 'Cause one little toy is not even being a shellfish. Right, Phil? Right?”

  Right, said Philip. Plus a good burp is something the whole family can enjoy.

  “Exactly! That's what I think, too!” I said. “Plus everyone will still get their own entire gift that costs a dollar! And so what could be nicer than that?”

  You are a giver, said Philip.

  I patted him for that nice comment.

  Then both of us looked at my list of gifts again. And we read all the stuff that only costs a dollar.

  Philip tapped on his trunk. Hmm. It's hard to choose, isn't it? he said. There are some very lovely gift items.

  Then, all of a sudden, Philip's eyes popped right out of his head!

  Tattoos!!?? he said. They have tattoos!!??

  “Yes, Philip! They have five different kinds of tattoos. And all of them really, really look real,” I said.

  Ooooh, he said. You can't go wrong with tattoos.

  I clapped very happy.

  “I agree!” I said. “And so it is all settled, Philip! I will buy everyone their very own tattoos! And that will use up my whole ten dollars! It works out perfect!”

  Me and Philip Johnny Bob did a high five. Then we flopped back on my pillow. And we smiled and smiled.

  “Friday is going to be fun!” I said. “'Cause in the morning, I will buy presents! And in the afternoon, Room One will have our Secret Santa party!”

  Philip jumped in the air. Gifts and a Secret Santa party! What can be better than that!

  We flopped back on my pillow again.

  Then, all of a sudden, I did a little frown. 'Cause I just remembered something very important.

  “Uh-oh,” I said.

  Uh-oh? asked Philip.

  I did a gulp.

  “I forgot about the Secret Santa gift, Philip. I have to buy a Secret Santa gift for dumb old May.”

  Philip shrugged his shoulders.

  Yeah? So? he said.

  “So all of my ten dollars is already used up,” I said. “And so where will I get the money for May?”

  Philip looked strange at me. From Mother and Daddy, of course. Money for school presents is their job, Junie B. Not yours.

  I felt relief in me.

  “Whew. Yes. You're right, Phil. It is their job,” I said. “Plus a gift for May won't even cost much, hardly.”

  Right, said Philip. Any dumb old gift will do for May.

  I shook my finger at him.

  “Hey, hey, hey. That is not a good attitude, mister,” I said.

  Then both of us started laughing. And we couldn't even stop.

  8

  Being Shellfish

  I closed my journal.

  And I looked all around.

  My friend Herbert was not writing in his journal.

  I tapped on his head.

  “Psst! Herb! I need a buck. I really, really need a buck.”

  He nodded. “I know, Junie B. You told me that on the bus, remember? But I don't have a buck. I really, really don't.”

  He pulled out his pockets to show me. Then he turned back around.

  I tapped on his head again.

  “Yeah, only I don't need it now, Herb. I need it for tomorrow,” I explained. “And so just bring me a dollar tomorrow. And I will be your bestest friend.”

  Herb turned around again.

  “You already are my bestest friend,” he said. “Plus I already told you. My mother will only give me the exact amount I need for my gifts. She says every time she gives me extra money, I lose it.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “Mothers,” I said. “They're all the same. They think children lose everything. And we don't.”

  Herb nodded. “I know we don't. It's ridiculous.”

  After that, he came back and looked in my desk.

  “Can I borrow a pencil? I lost mine.”

  I gave hi
m a pencil.

  Then I reached across the aisle. And I tapped on Lennie.

  “Psst! Lennie! I need an extra buck tomorrow! Can you bring an extra buck? Huh, Lennie? Please, please, please?”

  Lennie shook his head. “Sorry, Junie B. But my parents are tightwads. I've never had an extra buck in my life,” he said.

  José turned around and nodded. “My parents are tightwads, too,” he said. “They are muy tacaños. That means tightwads in Spanish.”

  Just then, snoopy-head May reached across the row very happy. And she poked me with her pencil.

  “Ask me, Junie Jones! Ask me!” she said. “My parents aren't tightwads. I always have extra money!”

  She reached into her backpack. “I have two whole dollars with me right now! Want to see?”

  She took out a shiny plastic wallet.

  And wowie wow wow!

  There were two whole dollars folded up in there!

  “See?” said May. “I told you I had money! My parents say I should always have money in case of an emergency.”

  I sat up very perky.

  “Wow. What a coincidence! 'Cause this is a 'mergency, May!” I said. “And so if you will just give me one of those dollars, that will take care of my whole entire problem!”

  I held out my hand.

  But May just frowned her eyebrows.

  “Don't be silly. This is for my emergencies. Not yours, Junie Jones,” she said.

  She started to put her wallet back.

  I talked my fastest.

  “But … but … you are a giver, May! Remember that? You are a giver … and I am a shellfish!”

  May shrugged. “Yeah? So?”

  “So if you give me a dollar … I will take a dollar! And that will make sense for both of us!”

  May shook her head.

  “No. I can't,” she said. “My father says that friends should never borrow money from each other.”

  I clapped my hands real thrilled.

  “Then it's perfect!” I said. “'Cause you and I aren't friends! I don't even like you, May! Plus listen to this! I'm not even borrowing the money! You're just giving it to me! And I'm not paying you back!”

  May made a mad face at me. Then she quick put her wallet away again.

  I slumped way down in my seat. And I tapped my fingers on my desk.

  “I don't get it,” I said. “That was the best arguing I ever thought of. What went wrong there?”

  Herb turned around.

  “I think it might have been the I don't even like you, May part,” he said.

  Lennie nodded. “Plus the I'm not paying you back part was probably not the way to go, either.”

  May leaned her head across the aisle.

  “Or else maybe you were never, ever getting the money in the first place,” she said real mean. “Did you ever think of that, Junie Jones?”

  I glared my eyes at her.

  You're going to be sorry, I thought in my head. You're really going to be sorry.

  Just then, Mr. Scary stood up at his desk. And he said to put our journals away.

  He went to the closet and took out some white paper sacks.

  “Boys and girls, these white sacks are going to hold our Secret Santa gifts,” he explained. “Today each one of you will decorate your own sack. And tomorrow your Secret Santa will put your gift inside.”

  He passed them out.

  “Please print your name clearly on your sack,” he said. “Then at the end of the day, I'll arrange them on the back table. And tomorrow—when we come back from the gift shop—your Secret Santa will go back there and deliver the gift right to your sack! Sound like fun?”

  Room One clapped real happy. “Fun!” we said.

  “Really, really fun!” said May.

  She jumped up from her chair.

  “Thinking about Secret Santa Day puts me in a happy mood!” she said. “Even Junie Jones can't ruin my Secret Santa Day tomorrow!”

  After that, she skipped around her desk. And she sat back down again.

  Then I glared at her some more.

  Oh, yes, I can, May, I thought again. I can ruin your day but good.

  I crossed my mad arms.

  I would think of a way, no matter what.

  I stayed mad at May for the whole rest of the day. 'Cause that meanie girl didn't even deserve a Secret Santa gift, I tell you! She didn't deserve any dumb gift at all!

  I rode the bus home very grumpity.

  “If I was the real Santa Claus, I would give May coal in her stocking,” I grouched to just myself. “That's what she really deserves. She deserves coal.”

  Just then, I sat there very still. And I did not move my muscles.

  My brain rewinded itself.

  Coal. She deserves coal, it thought again.

  Chill bumps came on my arms.

  I sat up straighter.

  I am a genius, I think.

  I zoomed home from my bus stop as fast as a rocket.

  Then I ran in my front door … and I ran out my back door … and I stopped at Daddy's barbecue grill!

  The barbecue grill is where Daddy cooks hamburgers and hot dogs. And ha! There is a big bag of coal there!

  I reached in my hand.

  And I pulled out a lump.

  Then I rushed to my room speedy quick. And I showed the coal to Philip Johnny Bob.

  “Coal! Coal! I got coal, Phil! See it? Huh? See the coal? Coal is what the real Santa Claus gives mean children. And so that is exactly what I will give May!”

  Philip stared at it very curious.

  Yeah, only here is the problem. That's not actually coal, he said. That's called a charcoal briquette.

  I did an annoyed breath at him.

  “Yes, Philip. I know it's a charcoal briquette,” I said. “But I saw a picture of coal before. And it looks exactly like this, kind of. And so May will not even know the difference.”

  Philip looked at the coal some more. Oh, I get it, he said. The coal is to teach her a lesson. Right?

  “Right, Phil,” I said. “That's how come Santa thought of coal in the first place. To teach bad children lessons.”

  Philip grinned. Plus after May learns her lesson, she can grill herself a hot dog, he said.

  I laughed out loud at that funny guy.

  He is a joke a minute, I tell you.

  I put the coal in a little plastic baggie. And I dropped it in my backpack.

  “Ha!” I said. “The perfect Secret Santa gift for meanie May! And it didn't even cost me a single cent!”

  I wiped the coal dirt off my hands.

  “And that is that…. So there.”

  9

  The Bestest Gifts

  The next morning, Mother gave me a five-dollar bill for the gift shop.

  I looked at it in my hand.

  “Big whoop,” I said.

  I would not actually recommend saying that comment.

  I got marched to my room for a timeout.

  While I was there, I unzipped my backpack. And I checked on my coal. It was still safe and sound in its plastic baggie.

  After that, I got the five dollars Grampa Miller gave me. And I added it to Mother's money. And I hid all of my dollars in the bottom of my shoe.

  Hiding money in your shoe is a good way to keep it safe from pickpocket people.

  I saw that on the Travel Channel.

  But I must have done something wrong, I think. On account of my dollars got very wadded up at the end of my sock. And they pressed against my little piggy toe.

  That's how come—when I got to Room One—I took off my shoe. And I rubbed my toe all better.

  May looked over at me. She made a face and held her nose.

  “That is disgusting, Junie Jones,” she said. “People should not play with their own stinky feet.”

  I raised my eyebrows very curious.

  “Then whose stinky feet should we play with?” I asked.

  May put her hands over her ears.

  “I am not going to l
isten to you today,” she said. “Today is Secret Santa Day. And I am not going to let you ruin my happy mood.”

  After that, she turned back around. And she tapped on Lennie's head.

  “Happy Secret Santa Day, Lennie! I can't wait for the party. Can you?”

  Lennie started to answer. But May interrupted.

  “I dressed all in red and green today,” she said. “See my socks? One is red and one is green. See?”

  Lennie stared at her feet.

  “When my grandfather does that, we make him go back and change,” he said.

  May did a giggle. “But I did it on purpose, Lennie,” she said. “See the ribbons on my braids? One is red and one is green … just like my socks. And see? My sweater is green. And my dress is red.”

  She stood up and turned around.

  “This is how everyone should dress on Secret Santa Day!” she said. “Every time I think about our party, it makes my skin prickle. Want to see?”

  She closed her eyes for a second.

  Then she did a little quiver.

  “Woo! I felt it!” she said. “I felt my skin prickle again!”

  Lennie stared at her.

  I stared at her, too.

  'Cause I never actually saw her happy before.

  “You are acting like a nut,” I said.

  “How come you are acting like a nut?”

  May started to make a mad face. Then, very quick, she smiled again.

  “Ha! See that, Junie Jones? See how fast I smiled? Even if you call me names, you still can't ruin my happy mood today.”

  I made the cuckoo sign at her.

  But May kept right on smiling.

  Pretty soon, the bell rang to start school.

  Mr. Scary took attendance. Also, we did opening ceremonies.

  Then hurray, hurray! He said it is time for Room One to go to the gift shop!

  I clapped real loud at that happy news.

  'Cause pretty soon I would have my very own Squeez-a-Burp! And that is a dream come true!

  I sprang out of my chair. And I ran to the door.

  “Yay! Yay! Yay! I'm first in line! I'm first in line!” I called real joyful.

  Then I jumped up and down. And I twirled all around. Plus also, I skipped to and fro.

  Mr. Scary said to please settle down.