by Glover, Nhys
‘Don’t worry. They are very sensitive with the shells. It will be cremated, and its ashes scattered in the rose garden outside the Temple of Apollo.’
‘Okay, good, and I don’t want you looking at it and being sad. I know you like this body, but it won’t be me anymore, so I don’t want you pining. Got it?’
‘You know me better than I do, beautiful Cara. That is exactly what I would do, if I looked at it once you were gone from it. I will miss this face, these soft curves. Damn…’ he turned away, while he tried to get control of his emotions. She squeezed his hand, understanding exactly how he felt.
‘All right now, Cara, I am going to put you to sleep. When you wake up, in just a little over an hour, you will be young again. Are you ready?’ Karl Ontario, the head of the Medical Centre and the Clone Research Division, told her with a gentle smile. His warm brown eyes were kind as they met her anxious gaze.
Suddenly, her mouth was so dry she couldn’t speak. This was much more intense than leaving her time had been. She was leaving her body, a body that had been hers for forty five years. Too wasteful. She was being too wasteful. If she’d just given it another ten years… twenty… it was a perfectly good body. How disrespectful was she, to be doing this to it!
Something of what she was feeling must have been reflected on her face, because Jac suddenly became very tense. He pressed her hand firmly, to bring her attention to him. Then he snagged her gaze with his, and held it.
‘Cara, stop it. Don’t think like that. You’ll interfere with the transfer. Once it starts, you can’t go back. You’ll Crash and Burn. You have to go willingly. Think of it. Standing in front of a full length mirror, looking the way you did at twenty, with me behind you, running my hands over your tight, toned muscles. You will have so much energy, Cara. You’ll be able to take the world on, nose to nose. You’ll be all that you are now, but more. Come on Cara, be optimistic. Do what you do best!’
She listened to his impassioned words, and realised he was right. If she didn’t go into this wholeheartedly, then she’d be stuck, trapped in some limbo space Between; unable to go back, and unable to go forward into the new body.
She set her jaw. ‘Okay, I’m ready. Let’s get this done,’ she said, with all the determination she possessed. Jac relaxed immediately. As her lids grew heavy, she felt a gentle kiss on her lips…
… and then there was nothing…
Jac was getting used to feeling this level of anxiety. After nearly three hundred years of not feeling much of anything at all, now he was roller coasting from one extreme emotion to another. In this moment, as he kissed Cara’s body goodbye, and moved to the other side of the curtain, he was shivering with terror and grief. He hadn’t wanted to let his beautiful Cara go. He’d wanted her to stay the woman he had fallen in love with. But she had been so determined to be young again. For him.
What if she couldn’t let go enough? He’d lose her. This time he’d lose her. All because she’d been worried that he wouldn’t love her because she wasn’t young.
He was more worried he wouldn’t love her because she was young. The characterless features of young clones had never appealed to him. Maybe he would no longer find her attractive.
As he moved around the divider, and saw her freshly washed and dressed clone, he tried to be open to it. His first impression was of its hair, white-blonde and silky, draping over the edge of the cot to pool on the tiled floor. So much hair. Then he registered the serene, beautiful face. It was so familiar, like the daughter of the woman he knew. His fears were assuaged a little, as he stared at it. The same but different – not his Cara, but not not his Cara.
For a full minute, there was no sign of life in the beautiful body. Then the apparatus on her head lit up, and the life support monitors went haywire. The heart started pumping, her fingers twitched, and then Cara gasped, a deep, terrifying gasp, as her lungs began to rise and fall on their own. The ivory pale cheeks began to glow with life. He watched with conflicted fascination as her eyelashes fluttered, and her brain entered REM.
It was done. She was here in this new Cara. He could sense her, even as she slept. His feelings were so mixed up. Grieving for what he’d lost, fearful of what was to come. But he couldn’t stop himself reaching out, and touching her face, stroking her soft skin. Not his Cara, but still Cara. It was enough. He prayed that it would be enough.
‘Welcome back,’ Jac whispered into her ear. She blinked, as the brightness of the room hurt her eyes. They were blurry, too. All she could see were colours and blurred shapes. Jac’s hair was a solid block of light chestnut. His skin was a golden brown wash. No highlights, no shadows.
She turned her head, and it moved sluggishly, as if she were drugged. The walls were all white, nothing but blurry white. Could she smell anything? Yes, that sweet, sickly smell of the tubes. And Jac. She could smell Jac. That reassured her.
Jac picked up her hand, and she could feel his touch, knew that he carried the weight of the arm for her. He brought the fingers up in front of her eyes. They were blurry cream.
‘Wiggle your index finger for me, Cara,’ he said.
Why would he want me to do that? How silly was that? Oh, yeah, I’m in the clone, the new shell. I have to learn to drive it. Which was the index finger? The one you point with? Yeah, that was it.
She focused on the blurry outline of her fingers, and commanded the index finger to move. It did. She felt, more than saw Jac smile.
‘Good. That was good. How are your eyes? Are they still blurry? It takes a couple of minutes for them to work out perspective, and depth perception. It probably feels really bright in here, too.’
It felt good that Jac was talking to her. It felt reassuring, although she wasn’t really paying too much attention to the words. Her vision seemed to be clearing. His hair now had strands of variegated colour. The vagrant lock fell over his forehead into his green eyes. She told her hand to brush it back. It twitched and jerked out of Jac’s hold, and crashed into his forehead.
‘Ouch, you don’t have to beat me up, you know. I’ll try to do better,’ his voice was upbeat and cheerful, but there was an edge to it. He was trying to make her feel safe. Trying to make everything seem normal. But it wasn’t. She wasn’t. Nothing felt normal.
Cara could feel the panic rising like ice water up her spine. Then it hit her face, and she was burning. She couldn’t breathe.
‘Calm down, Cara, you’re hyperventilating. Just focus on your breathing. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Come on Cara, you’re not going to let this new model get the better of you. She’s sleek and sporty, and can go from zero to a hundred in five seconds. Get used to the controls, Cara. You can do it.’
She imagined herself as a Mercedes coupe; metallic blue, with leather seats the colour of cream, and a dashboard that would have looked good on Star Trek. In her mind, she imagined herself smiling. Somewhere, she remembered hearing that it took hundreds of muscles to make a smile. She didn’t worry about that. How it happened was beyond her. All she had to do was tell herself to do it.
The corners of her mouth turned up, and her lips elongated. She heard Jac laugh softly, and she tried to reach for him. But her arms wouldn’t co-operate. Her sports car’s engine revved, and she thought words – ‘I love you, Jac.’
His indrawn breath told her she’d said them aloud, and that he was shocked.
What had he said? It would be a few hours before I’d have control of my vocal cords? Hmm… maybe I didn’t say anything after all. Maybe it was just sounds that I thought were words.
I’m so tired. It feels as if I’ve run a marathon. But Jac said I’d have more energy. Why am I so tired?
Her eyelids fluttered closed, without her permission. And she slept.
‘She is quite remarkable; such precocious acquisition of verbal skills.’ Karl smiled his approval.
Even though he was not quite a friend, Jac still liked the medical researcher for his unusual warmth. It might have b
een that, given his work, Karl had never felt the full impact of the Last Great Plague, the way the rest of the Old Timers had. He hadn’t been forced to develop the common coping mechanism of cool, aloof reserve that cushioned their every interaction with the post-apocalyptic world.
But whatever the reason, Karl had always been a pleasing associate, with a passion for his work Jac had always envied. And he knew there was no higher praise Karl could give, than what he was giving to Cara now.
He wished it made him feel better. It didn’t. All he felt was a growing sense of resentment. How could she be so adaptable? Why did she have to be so quick to change? It was as if she looked for it in any situation, and embraced it wholeheartedly.
Would she do the same when she grew bored with him? Would she start looking for a new love, when his inherent dullness finally got to her? She would as easily adapt to living with another man as she had with him, fitting in to his life as if she had always been there. It was her gift – this flexible optimism. Bouncing back was what she did best. Nothing crushed the vitality out of her for long.
Karl was right, Cara was remarkable. And, in this moment, he almost hated her for it.
When she woke up again, several hours later, she could see everything clearly. Turning her head awkwardly, she took in her surroundings. She was still in the hospital ward, but the divider had been removed. Now she had a full view of the room. The other bed was empty, the sterile white sheets neatly made up, as if they had always been that way. As if her body had never rested there, waiting for the end.
Driving that thought from her head, she looked instead at Jac, who was sitting at her side, working on his Tablet. It was as if she saw him for the first time. His tawny hair was longer than when she first met him. It softened the sharp angles of his face. That fashionable forelock fell, as always, into his eyes as he worked. There was a slight glow to his golden skin, as if he’d recently been out in the sun. Those firm, full lips were drawn tight with concentration, as his curved brows arrowed down in a frown.
Jac looked up, as if suddenly aware of her intense scrutiny. He smiled – white teeth dazzling.
‘Hey, you’re back. How do you feel?’ he asked, putting down the Tablet, and taking up her hand. She squeezed his fingers, and she could tell from his expression that he was pleased by what she’d done.
‘I… I’m good. Weeeird… but gooood…’ she stammered out, her voice sounding scratchy to her ears.
‘Yeah, weird but good is excellent. Maggie dropped by, but when she saw you were still asleep she decided to see you back at our place this evening. You feel ready to make a move?’
‘Kay… help me?’
He stood up, and leaned down to take her arm. Very gently, he drew her up until she was sitting. Then he helped her to move her hips around, so that her legs could drop over the edge of the cot. She looked down at her white tunic and the long, slim legs below it. She jerked back in shock.
‘What?’ Jac demanded, clinging to her arm more tightly.
‘Wooow… great legs. Caaan’t remem….member having greeeat legs.’
Jac laughed, seeming to relax for the first time since the amalgam. Happily, he leaned in to hug her. She closed her eyes to feel the contact more fully. He was just the same. The strong, hard muscles, the warmth of his body, the heady, spicy scent that was totally Jac’s alone. All so familiar and welcoming. He was still her Jac. The chill she’d felt from him was in the past.
‘Your body’s muscles have been stimulated and toned, as if you were an athlete. Not an ounce of extraneous fat, either.’
‘Nooo…t me then. Allll always chub..by.’
‘Well, I’m sure you’ll get this body into the shape you’re comfortable with quickly enough. Let’s see if you can stand. Ready?’
She nodded, straightening her spine as Jac lowered her off the cot, and she let her new legs take the weight of her body. They wobbled a little, but then held. She smiled her triumph up at him.
‘Going well, Cara. Now take a step.’
The image of them dancing flashed into her mind. It had been as carefully choreographed as this first step was. It amazed her how quickly Jac must have taken control of his body. She couldn’t imagine being that mobile that quickly.
After a few wobbly steps, Jac directed her into a hover-chair. She felt like an awful invalid, letting him ease her into the seat, and then glide her out of the room on it. It felt like a wheelchair, and it was the New Atlantean version of a wheelchair. But like everything in this new world, its movement was determined by magnetic forces she couldn’t hope to understand.
Shouldn’t I be able to walk on my own? This body shouldn’t be tired. It was an athlete’s body. Why am I so tired, then? Maybe there was something wrong with me. Maybe the integration didn’t take.
‘Why… I’m … tiredddd?’
Jac stopped the hover-chair, and came around so she could see him. With exquisite care he brushed her very long, blonde hair back from her face, then looped its length over her right shoulder so it pooled neatly in her lap. Weird. She’d never had really long hair before. Her mother had always kept it at shoulder length, and Cara had continued the tradition. Now her hair was probably down past her waist, if the women she had seen around New Atlantis were any indication. It was going to be a pain keeping it tidy.
‘Your Consciousness is on overdrive at the moment, trying to create new neural pathways that replicate what it had in the old body. You’re not physically tired, you’re mentally tired. You’ll feel this way for a while.’ He smiled at her again, his eyes gentle and warm. Staring into those depths was like walking through a lush forest at midday – exotic, grounding and somnolent. She could almost smell the rich earth.
‘Kay,’ she replied, only partially relieved by his explanation. The bone weariness reminded her too much of the days after Billy’s death, when she could barely put one foot in front of another.
Jac returned to the back of the chair, directed it out of the medical centre, and onto the moving footpath that would eventually take them back to their villa.
The pathways were responsible for the most striking feature of this new world for her – the quiet. There were no noisy cars, planes or vehicles of any kind in this world. Everything travelled either by static footpaths, in hand directed hover carts, or slid on and off the moving pathways. The small city was a network of these silent, ever moving pathways, fanning out like spokes on a wheel, connecting up the concentric, circular precincts of the city. They could carry you at five miles an hour, standing still. Or, if you were in a hurry, you could walk, jog or run along them, to reach your destination more quickly. Although haste was rare in this serenely calm society.
As Jac pushed the hover-chair slowly along the moving pathway, across one canal after another, she looked around the new world, as if seeing it for the first time. Everything was so pristine – so clean and new. Every hedge was neat, every garden weeded. The air smelled sweetly of flowers, which bloomed all year around, along the edges of the pathways.
The city was divided into precincts by concentric circles of man-made canals. In the very centre were the government buildings. The next circle contained the research facilities and medical centre. The entrance to the Portal, in the caverns below, was located here, too. Then there was the dormitory precinct, for those who wanted to live close to their work. Next came the socialising ring, where residents could meet each other for meals or entertainment. There were no shopping precincts, much to Cara’s surprise. Everything was ordered on-line, and delivered from warehouses located at the port.
As everyone wore the same clothing, there was no need for dress shops. Cara really missed consumerism, when she thought of the shopping malls back home. But then she remembered the waste and destruction such a lifestyle caused, and so she let her dreams of racks of pretty dresses fade into her past.
The precincts further out were covered with villas for couples, or people who preferred their own space. For some, like Maggie who was happy t
o work from home, there were villas built on the very edge of the city, overlooking the Atlantic Ocean.
Jac’s residence was a villa in the precinct closest to the social circle. It wasn’t large, but it was big enough for two, and it was comfortable, with the same clean-cut, elegant lines that were displayed all over the city. She hoped to have the opportunity to paint the inner walls herself someday, so they would be reminded of her little apartment back home. But it was still Jac’s space, and, until she was sure they were together for the long haul, she wouldn’t try to make changes.
When they reached their residence, Jac helped her to her feet, and she walked into the villa unaided. It felt good. But the concentration it took was exhausting. Each step had to be made with intense focus. Each muscle group directed to take action, to bring about the desired result.
Within minutes, she was too tired to go further; her leg muscles beginning to quiver from the strain, and finally giving way. Jac was quick to catch her. He carried her directly to their bed, where he gently lay her down, and covered her with a light sheet.
‘Sleep, Cara. Your body needs to undergo a lot of rewiring. When you wake up, you’ll feel a lot better, I promise.’
Nodding her heavy head, she let her eyes close. Her last thought, as she dropped into sleep, was that Jac no longer called her ‘beautiful’. It was a troubling omission. He’d always called her ‘beautiful’, and she’d never taken it seriously. But, since she’d woken up in this new body, the endearment had been missing. It frightened her. What if the perfection of the clone wasn’t as appealing to him as the curvy, older body had been?
When she woke again it was morning, and the filtered sunlight dappled their large bed. There was no sign of Jac, and she noticed that there was no indentation in the other pillow. He hadn’t slept in the bed with her that night. A cold fear clutched at her gut. It had finally happened. By insisting on the new body, she had driven him away.