With a gentle hand, Zeke stroked her hair. “I wonder why your mom didn’t want to protect you?”
“She didn’t realize what was going on. She probably thought it was just kids being kids.”
“I don’t know, bunny. She was a grown woman. She knew better. Sounds to me like she just didn’t care. I hate to say this, but maybe your mother never wanted children in the first place. You told me your folks are quite a bit older than your schoolmates’ parents. Maybe you were an accident, a change of life baby. You ever think of that? That’s probably why they never had any more kids. Your mom probably even toyed with the idea of abortion, but couldn’t handle the guilt.”
“Oh, Zeke, no.” Sue’s eyes filled with tears. “That’s not true.”
“Well, why do you think she let Eugene abuse you then? Why do you think she forced you to play with him, knowing how cruel he was and knowing you were too little to defend yourself? Why would a mother do that to her child?”
“I don’t know,” Sue said miserably. “I think she was just busy visiting.”
“Too busy to protect her own little girl? After you told her what was going on? I don’t know. It doesn’t sound right to me.”
Sue sniffled but didn’t answer. Is it possible my mother never loved me? Was I an unwanted child, a burden my parents had to endure? No! I don’t believe it. Still, the idea was hurtful because it created doubt.
Zeke stretched out and pulled her up next to him.
“Don’t take it so hard, honey. I have a bad mother, too. It’s not easy, but you can overcome it. You just have to accept it and decide to move on. You can’t let the past drag you down. You have to take control over your own destiny, Sue.”
His hand moved calmly and steadily over her hair, comforting her, transmitting a message of love and empathy. “I’ll never be too busy for you,” he whispered. “And I’ll never let anyone hurt you.”
He began kissing her with great tenderness. She cried quietly, but he ministered to her with gentle touches and soothing murmurs.
“I’ll always look out for you, Susie Q. I’ll make you the center of my world.” He offered promises as he slid his hands down her body. “And I don’t think you’re ugly. I think you’re beautiful, like a goddess. You’re so special to me.”
His stroking hands placated her. Consoled her. Her tears subsided.
“So, what’s Eugene like today?” he asked.
“He’s okay, I guess. He’s shorter than me, now, so he has to look up to me. He works in a vacuum cleaner repair shop in Jersey.”
“Sounds like a loser.”
Sue nodded; Zeke’s words were a much-needed boost to her wounded pride. Eugene was a disappointment to his parents, she reflected. It was common knowledge within the family that he hadn’t gone as far in life as they’d expected.
Zeke kisses grew more passionate, arousing her. “Use your lips on me, baby.” He unsnapped his jeans and pulled them over his hips. “Please. I need you.”
Sue, still numbed by their conversation, dutifully wrapped her lips around his erection. He moaned.
“That’s good, that’s really good.” Zeke panted slightly.
She let her tongue trail up his length with each stroke, starting to enjoy the feel.
“So,” Zeke said casually, “were you ever attracted to Eugene?”
She spit him out as if she’d just found a bug in her mouth. Gazing up at him, a perplexed hurt in her eyes, she stuttered, “Hell no!”
“No, don’t stop,” Zeke urged. “Don’t even answer me. Just keep going, honey. Please. Don’t stop. Just listen to what I say. Relax.”
He gently guided her head back into position.
“Maybe you went to Eugene’s shop one day, just to see where he works. But he didn’t know you were there, didn’t see you come in,” he said.
She continued milking him, but had lost all pleasure in the act.
“Maybe you caught Eugene with a customer, getting cozy with him. Maybe you hid behind a display and watched Eugene take the man’s pants down. I bet you liked that, it gave you a tingle in your panties. Eugene and some guy right there near the counter. Then you saw Eugene get on his knees in front of the guy. Behind the display, you put your hands inside your panties and rubbed yourself. And you wished you could join in.” Zeke paused and pulled Sue around so he could slide his hand into her pants. He matched his movements to his words.
Sue kept up her smooth regular motions, listening intently. He was wrong. She absolutely wouldn’t have enjoyed that. In fact, she would never visit Eugene in his shop. She suddenly understood this story was more for Zeke’s entertainment than hers. And she still remembered the harsh lesson last time she’d objected to something he said, the three days of agony when he shunned her. She decided to ignore what he was saying. Her head moved up and down while his fingers gently played with her.
“So there you are, watching Eugene with another man. You’re so excited you can hardly control yourself. I can just see it; I can picture it. You’re a voyeur!” Zeke was breathing hard and his hand was buried in her crotch. In spite of her disgust, his fingers were working on her like a rush of warm water, arousing her against her will, overcoming her resistance.
“Eugene likes sucking men, doesn’t he? He likes it. And you like watching it. Oh!”
He gasped as he almost lost control. Quickly, before she had a chance to do anything but sputter, he pulled her up and kissed her. Then he flipped her over and yanked her pants away, nearly ripping them from her body. She eagerly helped him, kicking to free her legs. She crawled with shame, and hummed with a dirty feeling of intense arousal as he mounted her. Appalled at her response, she nonetheless pulled him closer.
Afterward, he lay panting on top of her as she gazed unseeing at the stained ceiling overhead. Shadows played across the room as a cloud passed by outside.
“I feel so odd. So wrong,” she said quietly.
Zeke’s voice sounded sleepy. “No, baby. Not odd. Satisfied. Remember, it’s all good.”
“It’s all good,” she repeated, as if to convince herself.
“That’s right, honey,” he murmured. “Eugene don’t seem so mean anymore, does he? The little cocksucker.”
Yellow Ribbons
“Sue, how do you feel about convicts?”
Sue blinked, surprised by Zeke’s question. “I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it. Why?”
“Because I have to tell you something, and I hope it won’t ruin your love for me.”
“Nothing could do that. What is it? What’s wrong?” A low-level anxiety filled her gut.
“I was in prison once.” Zeke took her hand in his and looked down at her fingers. “I made a mistake. I was young and I sold drugs to an undercover agent.”
“But you don’t do drugs. Do you?” Her eyes were wide.
“Not now, but this was some time ago. Anyway, I got a pretty light sentence since I had no priors. But, I have to tell you it was the worst period in my life. One night I heard my cellmate say ‘where’s my Vaseline’ and I froze. I was lying on my bunk, facing the wall. I reached down by my mattress and grabbed my metal cup. I heard him coming toward me but I pretended I was asleep. Right when he bent over me, I swung that cup around and smashed his face with it. Knocked him out cold.”
“Oh my god!” Sue gasped.
“Well, I can tell you this. I always slept with my back to the wall after that. But, it was horrible, Sue. I had to be careful all the time, always vigilant.” He raised his eyes to hers and they were full of agony.
Sue didn’t know how to respond so she just waited.
“And my poor dad. I really let him down. I remember him coming to visit me. He brought me a carton of cigarettes. When he handed them to me, he was shaking. There was so much pain in his expression, seeing me in that place. I was so ashamed, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. He had tears in his eyes, and it cut me to the heart. I had never seen him cry before.”
“Oh, honey, how awf
ul for you.” She brought his hand to her mouth and kissed it tenderly. This new information about her lover settled on her slowly. This explained a lot about his behavior, Sue thought. She determined to cut him some slack, now that she knew the hell he had been through.
“Anyway, I fulfilled my debt to society. I did my time, and I won’t ever get myself locked up again. My dad forgave me. Can you forgive me, Sue?” His eyes pleaded with her.
“Of course, I can. You paid for your mistake. It doesn’t matter now.”
“Thank you, bunny. I should have known you wouldn’t hold it against me,” he said, his voice low and choked with emotion.
Sue pulled him close and clutched him to her chest. “I’m so glad you trusted me enough to tell me about this.” She felt warm and generous. “Where is your dad now?”
“Gone…I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Okay.” She soothed him with tender caresses. “It’s okay.”
“It feels good to get that off my chest finally.” Zeke kissed her softly. “You’re a gem, Susie, a real gem. Like a precious diamond. I wish I had known you back then. I bet you would have tied yellow ribbons around a tree for me, given me a reason to come home.”
“I would have,” Sue agreed, even though she didn’t understand the reference. “A thousand of them!”
They crawled into the back of the van and made love slowly, savoring the bittersweet feeling.
Later, Zeke recalled his buddy, Sean, who had originally told him the tale. In fact, all of it had really happened; just not to Zeke. All except the yellow ribbon part, he’d added that element himself after hearing a song on an oldies station. It was a nice touch, realistic. He congratulated himself on his delivery. The old story seemed to do the job every time, really worked on a woman’s tender heart, especially the young ones. He hadn’t bothered telling the story to Mrs. Harrington. First, it hadn’t been necessary. Second, he was convinced that woman had no heart to melt.
Warning Signs
Sue sprawled in one of the bookstore’s easy chairs the owner had installed to encourage prospective buyers to hang around and read. She had just gotten out of an afternoon summer class. Holding a book in front of her face, she snuck furtive glances at Zeke. Whenever he caught her looking, he would smile or wink. She loved watching him work, knowing she was his secret lover, and recalling their heated and tender moments together.
A shadow fell over her, and she looked up to see a guy from her Art Appreciation class standing next to her. She immediately straightened up in the chair and put her book down.
“Hi,” he said. “Did you happen to go to class today?”
“Um, yes. Burt, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. I was just wondering if there are any new assignments.”
“No, not really,” Sue answered. “Literman pretty much just lectured on chapter three today.”
“Okay, thanks.” He wandered off.
Sue looked up and found Zeke staring at her, his anger piercing her like a lance. Baffled, she gave him a smile, but he turned away and glared after her classmate as he made his way to the stacks in the rear. Setting the book aside, Sue approached the counter and nervously touched Zeke on the elbow.
“Everything okay?” Panic pitched her voice an octave higher than normal.
“We’ll talk later,” he retorted and stormed away.
Sue gathered her things and left the store in a haze of tears, hoping he would call out to her, try to stop her. He didn’t.
That night, she was waiting for him when he strolled out of Re-books, his work vest slung over his shoulder. Although he saw her, he walked right past her to his van and opened the door.
“Zeke!” Sue followed him. “What’s wrong?”
He wadded his work vest into a ball and threw it forcefully into the van, then turned with a hateful look. After staring balefully into her eyes for a few long seconds, he growled, “Get in.”
She slunk around and slipped into the passenger seat.
Zeke pulled his door shut with more force than necessary, and sat staring straight ahead while she held her breath. “Who was that dude?” His lips were tight, jaw rigid.
“Just a guy in my class.” Relief flooded her; she now believed she understood his mood and could easily dispel his anger. “I hardly know him.”
With no warning, Zeke reached out and grabbed a handful of her hair, twisting it. Shock and pain warped her features.
“Don’t lie to me, Sue. Don’t ever lie to me. I’ll dump you in a heartbeat if you do.”
“I’m not lying!” Sue cried, trying to pull his hand away from her hair. The muscles in his arm were hard with tension, but he gradually released his hold. She reached for the door handle, but he seized her arm roughly and pulled her to him.
“I hate you!” she sobbed.
He held her firmly, restraining her as she struggled, and kept shushing her. Gradually, she calmed a bit.
“You can hate me if you want, but I love you.” His voice was full of agony and he appeared near tears himself. “I’m sorry if I hurt you. Or scared you. But I can’t help the way I feel. It made me crazy to see that guy talking to you.”
“I told you; I hardly know him!” Sue rubbed the sore spot on her head. She concluded he must really care about her if she could drive him to such depths of torment. She realized for the first time that she had power, real power, over him because he cared so much. Hurt as she was, she was secretly thrilled to mean so much to him.
“Are you screwing him too?” Zeke held her at arm’s length, his stormy eyes full of pain.
“What? God, no!” Sue threw her arms around him. “I would never! He just asked me a question about class.”
“Okay, that’s good. It’s all good.” He relaxed in her embrace and laid his forehead on her shoulder.
“I didn’t mean to make you jealous. I had no idea the guy was even there until he spoke to me. Shoot, I had to think hard to even remember his name.”
“I’m not jealous.” Zeke raised his eyes to hers. “I admit I overreacted and I’m sorry for that. But, we should get something straight right now between us. I don’t get jealous. That guy has nothing for me to be jealous of. Really, Sue, use your head.”
“Well, okay,” Sue said, confused.
“I mean, I don’t own you, Sue. I wouldn’t even try to. And in all honesty, I don’t even care if you want to mess around with the guy.”
“What? I don’t understand.”
“Listen. It wasn’t the idea that you might get it on with someone else. It was that you might do it behind my back. Nobody wants to feel like an idiot.”
Sue was astonished. She pushed back from him and struggled to absorb his odd point of view.
Zeke’s composure returned. “As long as we discuss it ahead of time and agree on certain things, you can play with anyone you want. But, we have to talk it over beforehand, so I don’t end up looking like a fool. You can’t keep me in the dark.”
“You don’t care if I sleep with someone else?” She was aghast, feeling the power she thought she’d gained slipping through her fingers.
“Of course I care.” He reached for her. “I care more than you’ll ever know. I just don’t want to lose you. So, if that’s what it takes to make you happy, I’ll go along with it. Just please don’t ever do it behind my back. No secrets. Understand?”
“No. Not really,” she said, but she was wavering.
“You know what a stickler I am about freedom. How could I deny you the freedom to satisfy your body?” Zeke stroked her leg. “I can handle you being with someone else as long as I know it’s me you love. And as long as we talk about it in advance.”
“Well, I don’t want anyone else,” Sue responded passionately. Her mind was rolling over, scrambling to understand this peculiar turn of events. She wondered if this went both ways. Would he tell her sometime that he wanted to sleep with someone else? Just to fool around with them, not for love? Sue hoped not; she didn’t think she would be okay with the i
dea. In fact, she knew she wouldn’t.
He cradled her face in his hands and pulled her in for a deep kiss.
“If you ever do want anyone else, all you have to do is tell me,” he said, now really warming to the subject. “I just want to be there, that’s all. If I can be there, I can reassure myself that your love for me is still strong. I can make sure nobody hurts you or treats you badly. Truth is, that’s the safest and best way to do it. I can cover your back while you get what you need.”
“Be there?” Sue pulled back to look into his eyes, her forehead wrinkling with doubt. She wasn’t sure she was really hearing what she thought she was hearing.
“Sure, just like I’d want you there for me,” he said easily.
“For you?” She was stunned, and asked the question she’d been worried about. “You mean you might want someone else?”
“No, I’m not saying that. Anyway, I can’t think who it would be. But if I ever did, it wouldn’t change the way I feel about you. It would still be you and me as if we were one. And whatever we decide to do, it would have to be mutual.”
“I don’t know what to say,” Sue stammered.
“Don’t worry about it right now. It’s just something we needed to work out, in case it ever came up.”
She looked at him strangely. “I don’t think it’s ever going to come up. I love you so much, I don’t even think of anybody else.”
“That’s good, honey. I probably jumped the gun, but I’m glad it came up now instead of later on. We have something special here, Susie. It’s once in a lifetime, and we need to work hard to keep it. Great relationships don’t just happen by accident; people have to create them, nurture them. It’s good to get things out in the open, talk them over. Don’t you think? I feel a lot better now. Don’t you?”
“I guess so.” But she wasn’t sure about any of this. Her emotions swung back and forth. Jealousy went along with love; everyone knew that. Zeke must not love her. Or maybe he loved her too much. Maybe that was it.
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