by Rylee Swann
“Thank you,” she says half under her breath.
I plow on, gazing at a point past my sister on the wall. Into nothingness. “After the plane took off, the flight attendant came around asking about drinks and snacks. I uhh…asked for a beer like it was the most natural thing in the world.”
Carrie clasps her hands together, her eyes growing wide and fearful. “Oh, no, Jayson, you didn’t.”
“Ten years sober and I ask for a beer. I wasn’t even thinking about drinking. The craving was just suddenly there. When he set the open can down in front of me and I breathed in the too familiar aroma, my mouth watered. That drink became my whole world. It was all I could see, the only thing that mattered. I needed it like never before.” I close my eyes and it’s like I’m back on the plane with my demon right in front of me. I can smell the beer, see the condensation running down onto the little white napkin. How I lifted a shaking hand. Reached out.
Carrie makes a little strangled noise in her throat and I open my eyes. My arm is extended just like it was on the plane and I drop it into my lap with an exhausted sigh. Tears threaten to roll down Carrie’s cheeks again. I didn’t mean to make her cry, but this is a much needed share. As painful as it is, at the same time it’s cleansing and will allow healing to begin. Hopefully, for the both of us.
“To answer your question, Carrie, I didn’t. I somehow found the strength to say no to my greatest desire. Either that or my hand was shaking too much and I knocked the can onto the floor where it sprayed everywhere.” I shrug. “I’m not saying which.”
“Thank god, thank god, thank god,” she says, and I don’t disagree.
“It just goes to show that the craving can sneak up on you at any time. Ten years sober and I ordered a beer.” I shake my head, incredulous. “We can never let down our guard. We have to be ever-vigilant and stay on our toes. It sucks but it can be done. Anyway, thanks for listening.”
Carrie reaches out her hands to me and I lean forward and take them into mine. “I love you,” she says.
In that moment, as I celebrate my moment of victory, I feel a little like Han Solo. That notorious rogue with a secret heart of gold. So, this time I’m the one to quote his famous line. “I know.”
We both laugh and I feel lighter than I have in days, less consumed by guilt. Unfortunately, that only lasts for a moment.
“How is Dee?” my sister asks.
I stare at her, unable to comprehend the question. Why is she asking about December? Then it hits me like a scalding-hot lance to the brain and I groan.
December. How could I forget?
I’d been so caught up in fear and guilt about Carrie possibly dying that everything except the present emergency fled my brain like the past few weeks never happened. Now, it all rushes back. I groan again. She told me she loved me. She declared it out loud and then I did the worst possible thing in the world. I disappeared on her. Just like she thought I would.
Standing, I run my hands through my hair. Fuck, I am such an idiot. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How is Dee? Probably cursing the day she ever met me. And, I couldn’t blame her.
I pull out my cell phone as Carrie watches me pace in the small hospital room. “I have to call her.” I press her speed dial number while silently praying that she’ll accept my call. What I get instead is bad. That damned obnoxious computer blaring in my ear and then a recording announcing that the number can’t be completed as dialed.
I pull the phone from my ear and stare at it stupidly.
“What’s wrong?” Carrie asks.
“The damned call won’t go through.” I barely get the words out through clenched teeth.
“Do you have bars?”
Squinting at the phone, I find that I don’t have a single bar. Why the hell wouldn’t I have any bars? “No, where’s your phone?” There’s panic in my voice and I don’t like it. It’s ugly, insidious. Leads to demons.
She shrugs. “Probably still at home.” I check her bedside table. No hospital phone either. Raising my eyes to the heavens, I try to think of a solution in what feels like an impossible situation. I’m going to lose Dee. Again. Because of my stupidity. “But didn’t you buy your phone in New York?”
Out of the mouth of babes. It seems like an incongruous question. Carrie isn’t what you’d call tech savvy, but inadvertently or not, she just gave me the reason why my phone isn’t working. My inability to get through isn’t the phone’s fault. It’s my carrier. It doesn’t share cell service with Canada. I need to borrow a phone and fast. Before I lose everything.
Four days isn’t too long, is it? She’ll forgive me, won’t she?
The fist around my heart tightens until I can’t breathe.
Damn.
21
December
The late afternoon sun is in my eyes, making it difficult to see who is approaching and I remain tense until Mac starts wagging his tail. A moment later Gemma emerges from the end of the sun-dappled trail.
“There you are. I thought I’d find you here,” she says with a triumphant huff.
I blink at her in surprise even as I swipe away the tears caused from my latest Jayson memories. “How’d you know?”
She smiles like a wise sage. “I knocked on your door. When Mac didn’t come barking, I knew the two of you weren’t home. Your car was there so I guessed that you were out walking him. This is the path you like most.”
“Gemma the detective. You could make a fortune. So, what’s up?” Mac has settled back down and I resume petting him, more to soothe myself than anything else.
“Jayson called. He’s trying to reach you.” Gemma lays the bomb on me with no preamble.
My mouth drops open and I gawk up at her. “I don’t want to talk to him,” I say with less conviction than the words imply.
“Oh, sweetie, yes you do.” She holds out a hand to help me to my feet. “Now, come on.”
I let her help me up and we head back home, Mac prancing around us like a giddy puppy.
I wish I could feel that happy.
The walk back takes only a few minutes. I didn’t go very far with Mac before sitting down and trying to think things through regarding Jayson.
We go straight to Gemma’s apartment to wait for Jayson to call back. He didn’t leave a number, which I find odd and unsettling. This whole thing is wrong, and déjà vu hits me hard. I suddenly feel ten or even fifteen years younger, and not in a good way. I’ve been here too many times before. Struggling through another Jayson disappearing act.
“He didn’t say where he was?” I sit down on the couch and Mac sits on the floor beside me, like he knows I still need his comfort.
“No, when I told him you weren’t here but I could go get you, he said he’d call back.” She picks up her phone to hand it to me.
I refuse to take it. “I told you, I don’t want to talk to him.”
“Yet you’re here anyway.” She offers a gentle smile while continuing to hold her arm out.
“I’m curious, alright? That’s all this is.” My tone is harsh but not directed at Gemma.
“Curious? Is that what you’re calling anger and hurt these days?” I glare at her and prove her right. “I’m not saying you’re wrong for feeling these things. Goddess only knows, he better have a very good reason for leaving you hanging like this. But, I also think you should hear him out. This isn’t the old Jayson you’re dealing with. Give him the benefit of the doubt.” She pins me with a meaningful stare but I’m not having any of it.
I snort in derision. “You give him the benefit of the doubt.”
Before I can say more or Gemma can offer a retort, her phone rings. She frowns at the caller ID display. “It’s a 705 area code. Do you know where that is?”
What the hell? He’s in Canada?
I nod and motion for her to answer it.
She puts the call on speaker so I can listen. Fine, I’ll listen, but I won’t talk. I refuse to be that girl again.
“Hello. Jayson?”
�
��Yes, Gemma. It’s me. Did you find Dee? Is she with you?” His voice comes through loud and clear. Not drunk, not hungover. Okay, maybe he wins a couple of points but nothing more.
Gemma shakes the phone at me but I place a finger to my lips, indicating my silence. She shakes her head and brings the phone closer to her. “She’s here. Where are you? Are you alright? We’ve been worried.”
“Yes, I’m okay. I’m so sorry. Can you put her on?”
Gemma raises her eyebrows once more, but I’m resolute. “She uhh, she’s here but that’s about the best I can do right now. Where are you? What happened?”
His dejected sigh is very audible but he doesn’t ask again to talk to me. “I’m in Canada.”
Gemma’s eyes widen in surprise. “Canada?
“Yes, the day I took Isaac to his first self-defense class I got a call from Sault Hospital. My sister had been admitted. She was in a coma and I scrambled to get on the first plane back to be with her.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that. How is she? What happened?” Gemma asks all the right questions but I think I already know the answer. Carrie is a drug addict and alcoholic too. My heart clenches. That is, if Jayson isn’t lying.
“She’s better. She should be discharged soon.” He pauses, sighs again. “She OD’ed.”
“Oh no.” Gemma searches out my eyes, her face crumbling in commiserate pain.
“Yeah, it’s been rough. Touch and go there for a minute. Look, if Dee won’t come to the phone, and believe me, I understand her reluctance, please tell her something? Please remind her that she wanted a grand gesture. That everything I’ve been doing for the past ten years has been leading up to giving her the best one I could think of.”
My mouth drops open as he mentions the grand gesture. The one I begged for, the one I so desperately needed ten years ago in order to salvage what was left of us. I’m floored. He might just have said the one thing—the only thing—that could convince me… I can’t believe this, but my heartbeat speeds up regardless. Threatens to bust right out of my chest.
Gemma frowns at me, determination in her eyes. “You’re on speaker. Talk to her directly. She’s listening.”
Jayson gasps as he realizes I’ve heard everything he’s said so far. There’s another pause as I imagine him trying to gather his wits.
“Dee?” His voice is quiet, tentative. “I know you must be hating me right now. I am so sorry. I hope you can believe that. I meant what I said about a grand gesture. I’d hoped you’d realize what my moving to New York was, but I guess ten years was too long for you to make the connection.” He laughs, not with humor but with discomfort. “Please say something?”
Tears burn the backs of my eyes. I hate that he’s bringing this reaction out of me, and I lash out at him. “Why the hell didn’t you call?”
He doesn’t answer immediately, but when he does, it sounds like he’s been punched in the gut. “I couldn’t be more sorry. I could offer you all sorts of reasons why I didn’t call and they’d be true but not good enough for you. You deserve better.” He takes a deep breath. “The fact is, I’m not perfect. I screwed up.” Another self-conscious little laugh. “About as bad as I possibly could have. I should have called. I’m an idiot for not calling. Saying I’m sorry isn’t enough, Dee. I know that but I am in love with you. With all my heart and soul, and I’d do anything, give everything for you. If you can accept that I make mistakes, a lot of them, and probably will again, please come to Canada while I finish up here. While I was waiting to call Gemma back, I made a plane reservation in your name. It’s waiting for you at LaGuardia. Another grand gesture, I guess? To prove to you that I’m telling the truth. And, before you accuse me of it. Yes, I rehearsed part of this speech so I’d get it as right as I could. Please come. I need to take care of my sister and then we can fly back to New York together. Please?”
I stand up before I realize I’m moving. Tears stream down my face. Gemma beams at me and when she hands me the phone, this time I take it.
“When is the flight?” I take him off speaker and hold the phone to my ear. I’m incredulous and probably more than a little in shock. Jayson Fox has finally given me a grand gesture that I can hold on to. And believe in.
“Thank god,” he says in a breathless gasp. “Thank you.”
Jayson meets me Sault Ste. Marie Airport. He put me on the same evening flight that he took a few days ago. I’m yawning as I get off the plane—almost four hours of driving and then the flight on top of it is tiring—but I break into a big grin when I spot him standing there.
He must have seen me first because there’s a gigantic ear-to-ear smile on his face. He’s holding a bouquet of gardenias, my favorite flower, mixed with purple flowers I’m sure are orchids, his favorite. He doesn’t do roses, they’re too conventional for him.
The sweet aroma of the flowers envelopes me as I step up to him but he gives me no opportunity to admire them further. Instead, he takes me into his arms. The strength of his hug is overwhelming and I wrap my arms around him, trying to give as good as I’m getting.
“I love you so much, Dee.”
I look up at him, and his expression is earnest and full of love. “I love you too.”
He bends down until his lips are on mine. I’m shocked—this is the biggest public display of affection from him in our latest chapter together—as I open my mouth to his insistent tongue. It’s also one of the most romantic moments in my life. This is a true romance movie scene, and I appreciate Jayson’s newfound confidence all the more. I almost expect him to sweep me off my feet.
He kisses me for a good ninety seconds until I reluctantly break away. “How is Carrie?”
He shakes his head but is smiling, so I take it the news is good. “Time for all that later. I need to get you into a hotel room now.” He half growls the words before capturing my lips again. I have to admit, he’s lighting up my body like a pinball machine. He’s so damned masculine, so assertive, such a good kisser. I can’t deny that I missed him. Spending some quality time with Jayson in a hotel room would be fantastic.
I nod, my hands roaming along his well-defined back. “Let’s hurry.”
There’s a line of taxis outside the airport. We jump into the first one, giggling, stroking, kissing like a couple of horny teens. When we finally arrive at the hotel and make it to the room, Jayson slips the key card into the lock and throws open the door. I dash inside, ready to strip bare. The foreplay has me so revved up, I’ll come the moment he enters me.
Jayson laughs at my eagerness, closing the door behind him and setting my overnight bag and bouquet on a dresser. Kicking off my sandals, my fingers are already on the button of my shorts but he picks me up and gently lays me down on the queen-sized bed.
“Let me.” Stepping out of his shoes, he climbs onto the bed and straddles me. By now, I’m so wet I’m sure he can feel the heat through my shorts and soaked panties. Leaning over me, he unbuttons my shirt and kisses the skin he’s exposed. I gasp under him, enjoying the friction of his groin against mine. Slipping the shirt from my shoulders, I lift up and he pulls it from beneath me and drops in onto the floor. Kisses more of my exposed flesh. Deep, sucking kisses that cause my nipples to pebble and send sweet shivers down my spine.
He slips his hands under my back and unhooks my bra. Pulling down one cup, he kisses every inch of my breast, teasing me by circling my ripe nipple, lifting and licking, nipping the underside. I can’t catch my breath, and this wild mewling sound comes out of me when he finally pulls my nipple into his mouth. Sucking, pulling with his teeth until my body is wracked with shudders. His tongue swirls the bud, mischief glinting in his eyes.
I die a thousand deaths, full of need, as he slowly and with painstaking care undresses me. Kisses every inch of flesh he exposes. Spends what seems like hours between my legs until I scream and buck in the throes of a mind-bending orgasm. Yet, I need more. “Please, please…” I gasp, begging.
He rears back, a lascivious smile spreading across
his face. He makes sure I’m watching and then slowly undresses, like he’s daring me not to attack him. I almost can’t help myself, but we both know that I love it when he’s in charge. I bite my lip in an agony of waiting. He utters a primal growl and dips back to a nipple, biting just hard enough for me to give a soft cry, my back arching into the sweet pain. Raising his head, he runs a finger along my lips. “You drive me wild. Do you know that?”
I nod, begging with my eyes. “I need you inside me.”
“Not yet.” He stands to remove his jeans. The length of his hard cock pops out as he pulls them down, steps out of them. Returning to the bed, I raise my hands to stroke him. With a shake of his head, he pins down my arms and buries his head between my legs again. Sucks my clit into his mouth, his tongue dancing along the tip. I cry out as another wave of pleasure spreads like a forest fire. He glances up, making eye contact with me. “Come for me again.”
“Yes, oh god, yes.” I’m so close, every nerve still sparking, sizzling from my first one.
His mouth glued to my clit, he presses past my folds with his fingers and pushes inside me. My juices flow, the smell of sex permeating the room. He thrusts once, twice, four times.
I’m panting…
My back arching…
Then, writhing, screaming, I’m wracked with a second orgasm that sends me flying into outer space.
Jayson gives me no time to come down. He quickly changes his position to loom over me, lining up his cock with my entrance, and plunges inside. I’m nothing but coiled, exposed nerve endings. I don’t know which way is up much less how to come down, my climax taking on new life.
All too soon, he slows down the action, pulsing inside me with gentle thrusts. Making love to me. Forcing this to last, for neither of us to come again too quickly. He knows my body so well, and with expert moves, he builds a smoldering fire. His speed is maddening, and I grab his ass with both hands, pressing him to me, urging him faster.