Between Now and Goodbye

by Hannah Harvey

  'And,' I grin, 'I was even still at the house when you guys got home.'

  'See, progress.' She laughs.

  We keep talking all the way back to the house, and it's almost like old times when we could talk about anything. When she trusted me. I now that we're friends again, and that makes me feel so good.

  I'm smiling and laughing and feeling like nothing could ever be bad again, until we walk up the drive of the house. Katie is sitting on the porch steps, doubled over and crying.

  'No.' Libby drops the bags of food onto the ground, 'Please no.' She says and takes off towards the house at a sprint.

  Fifty Five – Libby

  Ice runs through my veins as I sprint towards the house. I'm only partially aware of Julie following me. She stops on the porch and starts talking to Katie. I keep moving, pushing into the house and into the dining room which has become Mrs Parson's makeshift room.

  When I walk in my heart breaks. Charles is sitting next to his mom's bed, bent over and clutching her small hand. She isn't moving, her eyes are closed, and there's no breath lifting her chest.

  'Char.' My voice is filled with tears that are trickling down my face, and when I say his name, he looks up at me and the sorrow and pain I see there breaks my heart all over again. I rush to his side and envelope him in my arms.

  'It's too soon, we were supposed to have more time.' He breaks down in my arms and I cling to him tightly.

  'I know.' I cry as I talk, 'I know, I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry.'

  'She was sleeping, just sleeping and I went to check on the kids and when I came back in...' The rest of his words are lost in tears, but I don't need him to finish what he was saying. I know what happened. She let go, she slipped away.

  I look up at the sound of footsteps entering the room. It's Julie, and she lets out a little gasp when she sees Mrs Parsons, tears forming in her eyes and spilling over.

  'I...' Julie can't seem to tear her eyes away from Mrs Parson's on the bed, 'I uh...'

  'Julie,' my voice shakes and I try to steady it, 'what is it?'

  'Lewis,' she snaps her eyes to me and relaxes just a little, though the tears keep on flowing, 'he's run off. Katie said he took off towards the village.'

  'I need to get him.' Charles says, trying to get up. I push him back down.

  'I'll go.' I kiss him lightly. 'Stay here, I'll find him.'

  'Libs,' he kisses me again and clings to me. 'I don't know what I'm supposed to do.'

  'Don't do anything, just stay here. Julie, can you watch the others and call Char's aunt? She'll need to be told.'

  'I...' Julie hesitates, 'I wouldn't know what to...'

  'It's ok.' Charles shakes his head, 'I should tell her, I...I need to tell her.'

  'Ok.' I brush his arm with my fingers. 'I'll find Lewis, Katie and Julie will watch the others, and you call your aunt.' I kiss him again and then race out of the room. I run fast down the road, he can't have gotten too far, all I can do is hope that he hasn't strayed into the woods.

  I run as fast as I can in my flip-flops and when that isn't fast enough, I pull them off and toss them onto the grass bank at the side of the street. I need to find him.

  I make it all the way into town, and that when I spot him. He's sat outside the little bar, patting the head of the dog that always seems to be tied up at the front under one of the trees. I should have guessed that he'd come here. Whenever I bring him into town with me, he always begs to go and sit with the dog while I do the shopping.

  I sit by him. Folding my legs under me, I pat the dog's head and then look at Lewis. He's quiet, but from the stains on his face, I know that he's been crying.

  'Hey buddy,' I say softly, 'You gave us all a fright.'

  'I didn't want to be there.' Lewis says quickly, 'I don't want to see her.'

  'You don't have to go in and see her if you don't want to.' I put an arm around his shoulders, using my spare hand to send a quick message to Charles, letting him know that I've found Lewis and he's safe.

  'Mom and Charles told me what would happen. They said that it would, but I didn't know that it would be so quick. She was talking to me this morning. I was... I was sitting with her and we were making a list of things that I need for school in a couple of weeks. Then Charles came out and he said she was dead. How can she be dead?' He's yelling, slamming his hand down onto his thigh. I stop his hand and hold it with just enough firmness to stop him from hitting himself again.

  'Sometimes,' I say tearfully, 'people just slip away in their sleep. She was peaceful.' I say, hoping that at least will give him some comfort.

  'She's not in pain any more?' Lewis asks through choking sobs.

  'No,' I hug him, 'no, she's not in pain any more.'

  'Ok.' He breathes out, 'I think I want to go back to the house now.'

  'Sure.' I nod and get to my feet, placing my arm around his shoulders as we start the walk back to the house.

  Charles' aunt flies in and starts arranging everything, and two days after his mom passed away, she's bundling the kids into her rental van to head to the airport. She's arranged the funeral, which will be held in Carver Beach two days from now. She's had the mini van shipped back to Carver, and arranged for Mrs Parson's body to be flown out for the funeral.

  She took everything in hand, and within a few hours of her being here, it seemed like she'd done everything that needed to be done.

  'Ok,' Charles' aunt Gina smiles brightly, but the grief is evident in her red ringed eyes, and faltering smile, 'Everyone pile in.' She waves at the rental van.

  'I'm not going on the plane.' Charles speaks up. It's one of the only things he's said since his mom died, and even though it's laced with pain, it feels good to hear his voice. I slip my hand into his and he holds tight.

  'What do you mean you're not going on the plane?' Gina looks tired as she speaks.

  'Libs is driving her car back to Carver, I'm going to go with her.'

  'Charles.' Gina shakes her head.

  'The funeral is in two days, it'll take us around thirty three hours to drive back, if we only stop for quick bathroom and fuel breaks. We'll get back in time, besides, I'm not going to let Libs drive all that way on her own. She can't stay up that long.' Charles replies, and then his face crumples a bit, 'Please Aunt Gina, I just need some time.'

  'Ok.' She sighs, but nods her head and gives him a tight hug. 'I'll see you both when you get back,' she turns to me and gives me a quick hug, 'Take care of him for me?'

  'I will.' I promise.

  'Make sure he eats and gets some sleep, and for the love of goodness, if you're driving right through for thirty three hours, make sure you both sleep in the car while the other is driving.'

  'Aunt Gina, we'll be fine.' Charles replies.

  'Ok.' She breathes out, presses her lips together and then starts bundling everyone into the car.

  'You guys going to be ok?' Julie asks.

  'Yeah of course.' I nod, squeezing Charles' hand.

  'Because I can come with you if you want. Take a few of the driving slots.' She offers.

  'No, it's fine.' Charles speaks up, his voice tired and shaky. 'We probably shouldn't let two plane tickets go unused, especially when your parents have been so kind buying them.'

  'If you're sure.' She envelopes us both in a hug. 'I'll see you both in two days.' She says and then turns and gets into the van, waving out of the window as they pull away.

  'So...' I turn to Charles and give him the smallest smile, 'you ready?'

  'No.'

  'Coming anyway?' I tug his hand a little and he gives one last look at the cabin.

  'Yeah.'

  Fifty Six – Charles

  Libby insists on taking the first stint of driving, and even though I protested back at the house, now, three hours into our journey I'm glad that she insisted, because I'm not able to concentrate enough to drive.

  I keep going back to that room in my head. I keep opening the door and walking in, over and over, and no matter how desper
ately I want to see something different in my minds version of events, my head refuses to play it out as anything other than a memory. Each time I go into the room, I see my mom lying there. Eyes closed, afternoon sun streaming in through the windows, and across the white covers on her bed, that almost exactly match the paleness of her skin.

  I remember feeling as though something was wrong, even before I'd been in the room for a few seconds. I knew she wasn't just sleeping. The room was too quiet, she was too still and I knew. Still, I didn't want to believe or accept it, because the thought of my mom really being gone, was too much to handle.

  I went over to her and I remember taking her hand, calling her name in all my hopelessness. I remember crying as I took her pulse, and crying harder when I found none. Then, I left the room and I gathered the kids together. I remember wishing that Libby and Julie were there to help me as I tried to explain it to them, but in hindsight, I think it was good that it was just family in the house. It gave us all a little bit of time alone together to grieve.

  Katie wanted to go in and see mom, and eventually all of them went in, except for Lewis. I wasn't sure it was a good idea letting Georgia and Sean see her like that, they wanted to come in though, and in a way I think it helped them to understand, seeing her like that. I think they knew what was happening.

  Katie was the first to leave the room after we heard Lewis crying outside. She said that she'd handle it. I took Georgia, Sean and April out of the dining room and told them to go and play. I knew there were things that needed to be done, people that needed to be told, but I ended up just going back to her bedside, sitting down and crying.

  That's how Libby found me, and when she walked in I felt myself breaking even further. As she held me, I didn't think I'd ever get through it. Then Lewis ran off, and panic overtook grief.

  Libby was my rock. She found him, brought him home, organized everything with some help from Julie. Then my aunt Gina arrived and took over and that's really when I started to retreat.

  My aunt was at the cabin, and between her, Libby and Julie, everything was being taken care of. I didn't have anything to do, and so I was left alone with my grief.

  'Char?' Libby's sweet, soft voice pulls me back into the moment. 'We've been driving for a little over three hours, and it's just coming up to noon. 'Do you want to stop for lunch?'

  'I'm not hungry.' I reply instantly.

  'You didn't eat anything this morning, and you didn't have dinner last night.' She takes her eyes off the road for a second, 'You should eat.' She adds, meeting my eye.

  'Maybe later,' I reply because I don't want her to worry about me. She shouldn't have to worry about me, 'you can get something if you like.'

  'I'm good for now, I'll eat when you're ready to eat.' She replies.

  'Well played.' I laugh and then feel a stab of pain for laughing. I shouldn't be able to laugh at anything so soon after losing my mom.

  'Char, it will be ok.' Libby slides her hand onto mine for a second, squeezes lightly and then puts her hand back on the wheel.

  'How do you know?' I ask a little snappily. 'You've never had a parent die.'

  'No, I haven't.' She doesn't seem at all knocked back by my harsh tone, and that makes me like her even more. It also makes me feel guilty for snapping at her in the first place. None of this is her fault, and she's doing everything she can to make me feel better. 'But I do know you, and so I know that you're going to be able to get through this. You'll pull yourself together, and you'll take care of your family.'

  'I don't know how to handle her being gone.'

  'Time,' Libby replies, 'in time you'll find a way.'

  'And until then?'

  'Until then you'll do the best you can, until it gets a little easier, and then a little easier still. You have me to rely on.'

  'I'm not exactly going to be the perfect boyfriend.' I warn her, 'You'd be better off without me.'

  'Hey,' she looks at me again, just quickly and then, ever the careful driver, her eyes return to the road. 'I don't want you to start pushing me away, because you think I'd be better off without you. I really, really like you and I'm not going to give up on us just because you're going through something awful. I'm not with you because I pity you, I'm with you because I want to be with you. I'm with you because you make me happy, and because I'm not looking for the perfect boyfriend, I'm looking for someone who isn't afraid to need me. Someone who likes me for me, and someone who will accept that I like him even when he's dealing with tragedy.'

  'You're kind of perfect you know.' I lean my head back against the headrest.

  'I'm not perfect.' She shakes her head, 'Nobody is, which is why I don't want you feeling like you're not good enough just because you're not always able to be perfect.'

  'Sorry.' I sigh and push a hand through my hair, 'Old habits I guess.'

  'I'm not Julie. Julie isn't even Julie anymore.' I remind him. 'You don't have to be anyone but yourself for me.'

  'Thanks.'

  'So...do you want some lunch?'

  'Libs.'

  'Char.' She catches my eye. I see a turn for a diner approaching.

  'Make the turn.' I sigh. She smiles at me triumphantly, makes the turn and gives me a little hope that maybe everything will be ok eventually.

  By the twelfth hour of our trip I'm driving. Libby sits beside me with her legs curled up onto the seat, the window down, letting in the late evening air, and a cool wind, which is helping calm down the hot sticky feeling clinging to me.

  Libby's angled just slightly in her seat, so she can see me better as I drive, and she has a notebook open on her lap, pen poised, with the cap being chewed each time she pauses from writing.

  We've been working on a list of things that we need to get ready for when the kids go back to school, because it's almost September now and they start in the second week. Libby too will return to school, and I'll be at home.

  'Lewis needs new sneakers.' I say. It feels good to be concentrating on something productive, and it helps to stop the grief from enveloping me.

  'Sneakers.' Libby nods, jots it down on the list and then starts chewing her pen again. 'You'll be staying home with April, right?'

  'Yeah.' I nod, arm hanging out of the window and tapping on the side of Libby's light blue car, 'Why?'

  'I just wondered if maybe day care could be an option, so you could go to school.'

  'My mom and I thought about it, but it just won't be feasible in the budget. Her...life insurance,' I swallow hard, 'will help out but it's not a huge amount, and she didn't have any savings. I'll own the house, or at least I will when I turn eighteen in April. Even once it's mine, selling it and downsizing isn't an option, we're crammed in there as it is. I'm uh...my mom and I discussed what to do with the money from her life insurance, and she always hated that were were so cramped in that house. Two bedrooms with six kids. So she asked me to use dome of the insurance money to build an extension onto the house. Creating two new bedrooms.'

  'Wow, big task to oversee.'

  'I think I need a big task.' I reply, 'I need to be busy or I'll lose it straight away.'

  Ok, so the insurance money will extend the house.'

  'Yeah, and we'll have a little left over to help with the basics. Food, clothing and so on.' I sigh heavily, 'I've got my job, but only if I can find people to watch April. I can't afford daycare or professional nannies. Aunt Gina is only staying with us until I turn Eighteen, so until then I can go to work without a problem. It's just after she leaves, I'm going to have to save a lot of my wages until then, in case I can't work.'

  'Char, do you know how many people love you? You'll find someone to watch her. I can watch her after school if you need to get an evening job, and once school breaks for summer, I can watch her all day. I can watch all of the kids.'

  'Libs I can't ask you to do that.'

  'You're not asking, I'm offering.' She smiles at me, 'I'm just being your super supportive new girlfriend. So don't worry about it. We'll figure all
of this out.'

  By hour twenty nine Libby is driving again. Despite our promises to sleep, neither one of us has. I don't think either one of us can, so we've been keeping ourselves going on coffee and energy drinks. Keeping a nice level of buzzed going as we drove all through the night and into the second day on the road.

  We're just four hours away from Carver now, and I'm feeling an itch to get back there. I want to check on the kids and make sure they're ok, and help Aunt Gina with any preparations that are left for the funeral.

  Opting out of flying home, has started to feel a little like I was running away. I feel bad for doing it, but at the same time I needed it. I needed some time to clear my head and having Libby here has helped more than I can say. Besides, Libby wouldn't have made it home in time for the funeral if she'd driven alone, however much she would have tried, she wouldn't have been safe to drive all of that way in one go. Even if we haven't slept exactly, we have rested.

  The whole drive Libby and I have talked things through, she listened when I needed to talk, soothed me when I needed to cry, talked when I needed to discuss things and helped when I needed to keep busy by planning for the future.

  With each hour that passes, I find myself growing closer and closer to her. I find myself wondering how I never noticed how beautiful she was, and I find myself wondering why I ever dated Julie.

  Don't get me wrong, I liked Julie when we started dating, we were best friends and had been for a really long time, and while we were dating I did fall in love with her. Now, looking back on the relationship, though, it's blatantly clear that we weren't suited in the slightest.

  She's moving fast into her future, and I'm being thrown into one I didn't see coming. Both of us moving forwards, but in different directions and at different rates.

  Libby and I, we compliment each other. She knows me better than anyone has ever known me, and I know her, I suspect, better than anyone else has ever known her.

  I reach over and lace her fingers through mine.