by Sandra Lee
“Have fun ok, and remember, everything happens for a reason.”
“Well, if that’s the case, someone up there really hates me.”
Eva hung up the phone, and for the hundredth time, thought about turning off all the lights. This way he would think she was away, that she had forgotten. Anything at all to ensure she didn’t have to go on that date. But of course she couldn’t do that. One, because she could never be rude to anyone, although the past few weeks were making her rethink the whole thing, and two, because Alex would hunt her down and kill her if she did. Plus, her friend was right, how bad could it really be? The doorbell rang through the apartment and Eva checked herself one last time before making her way to the door. Her black hair were swept in a simple chignon, tendrils of hair were left curling around her face to soften the look. The red dress she was wearing was short and tight. Not quite a second skin but almost. Alex had bullied her into buying it, and she must admit the dress did suit her slender frame. She still had dark circles under her eyes, but again her friend had beautified thing by saying they made her look more mysterious. She didn’t understand how lack of sleep renders one more mysterious, but who was she to contradict the girl who, until her wedding, had always been the picture of mystery herself? Finally, as the doorbell rang a second time, she shrugged and finally walked to the door.
“Who is it?” The question was asked merely out of habit, she well knew that a man named Andrew was at the door expecting a fun date.
“It’s Andrew, Alex’s friend.”
“Oh right…” She said sighing slightly.
She opened the door to let him in. He was cute; Alex hadn’t lied about that. His blond hair was a bit too long to be fashionable, his brown eyes were kind, and his smile, well it was sweet, but not as sinfully sexy as Jake’s was. She slapped herself mentally, she really had to stop comparing everyone to Jake and give other people a chance. She knew she must have looked wary and unenthusiastic, but he didn’t say a word, he just kept smiling. She decided, she had to introduce herself, or they would probably spend the evening awkwardly standing on her doorstep, waiting for someone to make the first move.
“I’m Eva, it’s nice to meet you.”
His handshake was firm and sure as she shook his hand, she liked that in a man. If Jake hadn’t come back into her life, she could have seen herself with a man like Andrew, if not as romantic interest then for sure as a friend. She started relaxing, maybe Alex was right after all; maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad.
“Same here Eva, for once I’m happy I accepted a blind date. He laughed a little embarrassed. “To be honest, I usually don’t go on dates set up by my friends, but today, I am glad Alex coerced me into it.”
She laughed, relieved.
“I must admit, it is a first for me too. But don’t count your chickens too soon, I could still be awful company.”
“With a smile like that? Not very likely!”
She grabbed her purse from the side table by the door, stepped out on the porch and closed the door behind her.
“I thought we could go to the new Italian restaurant that just opened, what do you think?”
Eva had meant to check it out herself to see if she could get new inspiration for her business so she was more then ok with the suggestion. They walked to their destination conversing easily with each other. She learned that way that he had just made partner in the same law firm as Alan and that he had just recently broken up with a long time girlfriend. In return she talked to him at length about her business, and what she was hoping it would become in the future. She didn’t mention Jake but also didn’t hide the fact that she wasn’t emotionally available at the moment even if technically she was single. And all of that was covered on the way to the restaurant. There hadn’t been an awkward moment; there hadn’t been a single spark of attraction either; they were talking and laughing as if old friends. She felt herself relax slightly for the first time in weeks, it felt good to be out with someone who had no expectation or preconceived opinions about her. Once they had reached their destination, they walked in and were seated at a table by a window facing the ocean.
“So, how come Alex was so eager to set you up with me?” Andrew asked curious.
“Well, it’s kind of a long story, one that started about 8 years ago and that is still unfolding. A man from my past that has recently moved here and back into my life and from whom I need to be free of. Alex thought you would be able to help.”
“Hmm I see, talk about high expectation from me” He smiled “I wonder what she was thinking. She knows I’ve never been really good with the ladies.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure of that…you seem to sell yourself short a little. Don’t you think?”
“Ok, well maybe I’m not horrible…but there is a lot of room for improvement. If there weren’t, I wouldn’t be here tonight. No offence to you Eva.”
“None taken.” She knew he was talking about his ex-girlfriend and how he wished she wasn’t an ex.
The waiter chose that moment to come over and inquire whether they would like an aperitif. They both declined and chose instead to order a bottle of Pinot noir to go with their meals.
“So what happened between you and your girlfriend?”
“I didn’t pay attention, took her for granted, she found someone else.” He shrugged and ran his hand in his hair. “I should have seen the signs, I should have known something was up, but I was too wrapped up in making partner you know. I thought I was doing it for us both, so we could buy a house and have kids. She didn’t see it that way, she felt lonely and well…the rest as they say is history”
“Ouch! Have you tried winning her back?”
“I wanted to, I went over to her place one Saturday, I was going to plead with her, but I saw her come out with another man and she was smiling, she looked happy. I figured, I love her, I want her happy, she wasn’t with me…maybe she has a chance to be with him.”
“I wish I was as unselfish as you are, but I can’t. If I loved someone, I think I’d want him with me or I’d want him miserable because he isn’t.”
“You don’t seem to be the kind of person who would want to see someone hurt.” He answered unconvinced.
“Well, I didn’t think so either, until this man came back into my life, and now I want to see him in pain and miserable. I want him to feel as bad as I felt for years. I…” She suddenly stopped and looked up at Andrew. “No, you are right, I don’t want anything bad to happen to him, I don’t want him to hurt, but I do want him to be with me and it hurts to see him with someone else you know.”
“I know” was all he said. They stayed silent until the wine and food was placed before them. Eva grabbed her glass as soon as it was within reach and took a big gulp; unfortunately for her, it went in the wrong pipe and she found herself couching wine and gasping for air. When, finally she found herself breathing normally again, she noticed with dismay that there was a large wine splatter on Andrew’s crisp white shirt. She looked at him, and then she looked down mortified. She looked up again when she heard strangled noises. Andrew was looking at her trying hard to refrain from laughing out loud. Her lips twitched and like him, she erupted in laughter.
“We make quite the pair, we should totally be in a show of what not to do or say on a first date.”
“You aren’t kidding.” He smiled broadly “You know, I almost wish we were both emotionally free, we could have had a lot of fun dating.”
She smiled back and nodded silently. Why couldn’t she fall for a guy like that? Why couldn’t she forget Jake? Why…why…why?
After the meal they slowly walked back to her apartment.
“You know Eva, It had been a long time since I laughed as hard as I did tonight, and I want to thank you for that. I’m glad I didn’t feel the need to try and impress you.”
She laughed.
“I know what you mean. I was so nervous, I wanted to cancel so badly before you arrived. I am glad Alex convinced me not to.
For a few minutes tonight, you helped me forget about things I shouldn’t be thinking about anyway, and I’m grateful.”
He smiled and gave her a friendly kiss.
“Can I call you sometimes? Not for a date, date, but to hang out?”
“I’d be happy if you did. And maybe you shouldn’t give up on your girl just yet. Maybe you can find an excuse to just talk to her without asking her to leave her current boyfriend. This way maybe you could get an idea as to her feelings.”
“Maybe” he said but she could tell he was unconvinced. She decided not to press the issue as truly, they didn’t really know each other, and he probably knew best anyway. It’s not like she had extensive experience on relationship. In fact, she hadn’t had one since Ben, and that couldn’t have been called a relationship, they had been kids in high school. She realized how sad that was. Realized she had closed herself off to any kind of happiness after Jake. She felt like hiding under her covers and crying, and once again realized, she had always done that… hid. She was done hiding. She was finally ready to live her life. With or without Jake.
She bid Andrew good night and they exchanged a warm hug promising to call each other soon.
She slowly walked to her bedroom and unconsciously started taking the pins out of her hair. She smiled furtively, yes she was going to live, and she was going to let herself love again and not be afraid by it.
Jake saw them walk together cozily, saw that other man hold her and kiss her. He saw her laugh. How he wished he would make her laugh like that. He wanted to walk out of his car and up to them, wanted to tell that blond guy to take his hands off her, that she was his. Only she wasn’t. Never had been and never would be. He hit the steering wheel with his fist, and when that didn’t alleviate his envy, his anger, or his need, he hit it again, and again. Nothing worked. He needed her; that was the sad truth. For a moment he stayed silent and immobile in his car, hiding his face in his hands and trying to think of a way out of his predicament. How could he stop wanting her, how could he stop needing her? He knew he couldn’t allow himself to fall back in love with her that was not an option, but then what? He couldn’t keep living this way. Proof, he was in a car outside her apartment spying on her. Well he hadn’t planned on spying, all he had wanted was to see her, and maybe tell her he was sorry that he had said no to the dinner idea, how sorry he had been to hurt her. Only, she hadn’t been alone. He hadn’t expected to see another man with her, which made no sense, because he knew she did see a lot of them. He guessed he just hadn’t wanted to think about it. He sighed and opened the car door, there was no going around it; he had to talk to her, he would figure out what to say when he got there.
Eva was just about to change for bed when someone knocked at her door.
Had Andrew forgotten something?
“Who is it?” She asked before opening the door.
“It’s Jake.”
Jake? What was he doing here? It was already past eleven.
“Jake? What is it?”
“Are you going to let me in, or are we going to shout through the door all night?” he sounded amused.
“Oups, oh sorry.” She quickly opened the door and stepped back to let him in. He smelled and looked so good; she hoped he hadn’t noticed how her breath caught in her throat as he walked past her. Tonight he was wearing jeans with a taupe sweater and a leather jacket. A dangerous look that was somewhat softened by the messiness of his hair that seemed to have been caused by a hand being raked through it time and time again.
She swallowed hard and tried to regain the composure she had lost as soon as she had heard his voice.
“What can I do for you Jake?”
He didn’t answer, just grabbed her around the waist and kissed her. Her body pressed to the length of his, she surrendered to the moment. She felt his lips against hers and his tongue tracing her lips as if wanting to remember their exact contour. She felt heat sipped quickly through her as his hands caressed her lower back. Jake reluctantly broke the kiss as a tiny whimper escaped her. With his thumb and forefinger, he lifted her chin so he could look into her eyes. The heat found there could have burnt both of them to the ground. He cupped her face and dropped a light kiss on her lips, using all willpower he had left over so as to not assault her mouth again.
“Eva.” He whispered as if to himself.
“Yes?” she managed to croak out
He sighed deeply and liked she imagined he had done earlier, raked his hand through his thick black hair.
“I am so sorry Eva. I really didn’t mean to come here and kiss you like that; it’s just that when I am around you I cant seem to control myself. The dress you are wearing tonight, it reminds me so much of the dress you wore that night, add that to the last couple of weeks that have left me unsatisfied and very frustrated, although not half as frustrated as I am feeling now.” He added with a nervous laugh.
Pressing her right hand against her lips, wishing the imprint of his mouth to always stay there, she looked at him and whispered since it seemed to be all she could manage.
“Don’t be sorry Jake. I’m not. I wanted you to kiss me again. I barely thought of anything else since my brother’s barbecue. I just can’t seem to keep you out of my mind. Can’t stop myself from wishing things could work out between us.” She looked at him and she looked so hopeful, he almost caved in and let go of all his fears, but he held back.
He pulled away from her and walked to the couch motioning for her to sit beside him. If he kept her in his arms a moment longer, he would ravish her right there on the floor.
She went to him eagerly, almost light headed at the thought maybe he was feeling the same way about her as she was feeling for him. Her heart beat so fast and hard in her chest that she feared it would break through.
“That’s why I am here Eva. I was thinking about us being friends and all. I came to the obvious conclusion that it would almost be impossible for us to be just friends. I don’t think I could spend much time around you and not go crazy if I can’t touch you.” He stopped a moment and looked at her hopeful expression. For a fraction of seconds he had third and fifth thoughts about what he was a bout to say, the second one he had had it in the car.
“I hope you won’t take this the wrong way, but I thought maybe the best way was for us to you know deal with our need for each other and get rid of it.”
She blanched.
“Get rid of it.” She repeated as if a mantra.
“Yes. Then we could become friends with none of those lusty needs that are only remaining of things we started and never finished. Once we get it over with, then we will be free of those. I don’t want to feel that way about you, but I tried fighting them, and for some reason, they just wont go away. I just end up wanting you even more. So, I think that by us having sex, it would take away the mystery, the anticipation, and all that stuff out of the way. Then maybe things wouldn’t be so awkward between us.”
There was a long moment of silence in which Eva tried to rein in her anger, her disappointment, but most of all the pain; so harsh it took her breath away. He wanted to get rid of those lusty needs! The nerve of the man! He wanted to have sex with her just so he would feel more comfortable? And he dared tell her she had loose morals. She must admit though that she had been tempted. Making love to Jake would be a wonderful experience, and then after he may or may not realize how wrong he was about her, and then she may or may not have a chance at gaining his love. But all those may or may not were too much of a risk; especially after that little speech he had just given her. The may or may not had more chance on leaning towards the not. Then she would suffer even more then she would if she had only refused his proposition, which she was going to do now. Calmly. She wouldn’t give in to her desire. For her it would mean completely surrendering her heart, for him it would mean the scratching of an old hitch. She wished for the old feeling of hate to return so the pain could stop.
“Jake” She said as calmly as she could. “I think it is better you
leave…now! I don’t want to say things that I would regret saying, nor do I wish to break any of my precious belonging on your head. I think that was the coldest most despicable thing I have ever heard. It would have been better for you to just have sex with me right away without saying a word. God knows I was willing. But that little speech, you wanting to get rid of unwanted feelings, well that was just…I don’t believe there are words in our vocabulary to describe how selfish, hurtful and self centered you are.
He shrugged then walked out the door, never looking back, never noticing how her mask crumbled, and how her tears finally fell, unrestrained and unchecked.
Why did he feel like an asshole? He had just tried to be honest with her. He thought there had been too many lies and unsaid feelings in their past already, thought it would be best for both of them to be straightforward with each other. He stuck his hands in his jeans pockets and started for his car. Was he really being honest with her or himself, saying it would all go away? Did he really think that having her once, twice, three times would be enough? Did he think that having her less then a lifetime would actually satisfy him? He knew the answer, he had known the answer for days now, and seeing her tonight with blondie there, had just reinforced his conviction that he could never stand seeing her with anyone else, could never think of her in another man’s arms. The jealousy that had seized him when he had seen that guy kiss her had amazed him. He had never been the jealous type, not with any of the women he had been with, and he had been with a lot of them over the years. The only other time he remembered feeling that way was that night eight years ago, seeing her kiss Ben had almost been the death of him. He had loved her so much, had wanted her so badly. The betrayal he had felt that night had changed his life forever. He wondered what would have happened had Ben never approached her that night, wondered if they would be happy together today. After that, he never let himself love another woman, nor had he ever felt the need to claim a woman as his own, the way he craved Eva. No! One, two, three, one thousand times with Eva would never be enough. He had to tell her somehow, had to make her forgive him for being such an idiot, had to tell her he had made a huge mistake. He had to tell her the past didn’t matter anymore, had to tell her he wanted to explore their future together. He strongly believed that if she forgave him for thinking he could get rid of his unwanted feelings for her; they had a chance of having a wonderful future together.