Texts from Jane Eyre

by Mallory Ortberg

  jim

  jim

  jim r u awake

  jimmmmmmm

  sleepy jimmy i gotta

  i gotta tell you something

  you can’t maroon your problems jim

  thats your problem

  jim you can maroon some of the people some of the time

  and you can maroon all of the people some of the time

  wait thats not right

  because if you maroon everyone

  then its not really marooning

  because everyone’s all there together

  look jim

  Jim shut up

  the point is

  the point is you can’t keep marooning your feelings

  your problems

  whichever

  my problem is that one of my legs is a stick

  plus i have all this treasure i stole

  but your problem is

  you got real problems lucky jim

  you up?

  i’m coming over i bet youre up

  Gone with the Wind

  Part II

  Prissy

  it’s been hours since the men left

  and there’s still no sign of the O’Haras

  how ever did you manage it

  well I had to buy time, you know

  so Sam and the others could change out of their

  Confederate uniforms

  and escape

  so I told her

  I’d help with the baby

  when Melanie’s time came

  You didn’t!

  I did

  but then wouldn’t you know it?

  it turns out

  I don’t know a thing about birthing babies

  you’re terrible

  I’m afraid I wasn’t very helpful at all

  and slowed things down considerably

  Prissy, you’re a marvel

  Try growing cotton this year on salted farmland, Miss O’Hara

  Prissy!

  You know, I suppose Scarlett was right

  The Yankees couldn’t take Tara

  and the carpetbaggers couldn’t take Tara

  But I could

  Part III

  “The Yellow Wallpaper”

  Poppet

  I couldn’t help but notice

  that the gate at the top of the stairs was ajar

  Oh?

  which suggests to me

  that a certain someone

  has been going downstairs

  can you think of who that might be?

  Oh dear

  Oh John, I’m sorry

  I called for you but you weren’t at home

  no one was home

  and I was so thirsty

  Darling

  you know that going downstairs makes you hysterical

  I know

  It’s called a rest cure, my love

  Not a going downstairs cure

  How right you are

  you’d better stay in bed this time

  or someone’s going to lose her sitting up in bed privileges

  I’m sorry

  little goose

  John

  couldn’t I go outside even for a little while

  just for a walk in the garden

  just for a moment

  why must you ask for the moon

  you know I wish I could give it to you

  but I might as well feed you poison

  a walk in the garden is the last thing you need

  it might undo you entirely, garden walking

  I just can’t bear another minute staring at these same walls

  anything can happen to a woman in a garden

  This wallpaper

  it’s strange

  I can’t bear it

  I’m afraid that as a doctor

  I can’t advise going out into the garden

  it’s full of night humors and cross-breezes

  any one of which could do any number of things to your nervous

  system to say nothing of your chalkstones

  it would simply ruin your blood

  all right

  I’m afraid I just can’t allow it

  all right

  but I could have Nurse bring you a bowl of arrowroot

  that’s almost as good

  isn’t it?

  a bowl of arrowroot’s almost as good as walking

  all right

  What do you think we should name the child?

  Oh, John, I’m so glad you asked

  I’ve missed talking to someone

  and I do hope the baby’s doing well

  I’ve thought about it a great deal these last few months

  oh sorry, darling

  that wasn’t for you

  meant to send that to Williams

  think we’ve found a fine name for him anyhow

  It’s a boy?

  I had

  We had a son?

  What’s his name, darling?

  John?

  What’s his name?

  I’ll tell you what, my darling

  You’ve been awfully good this week

  and I think you deserve a treat

  What’s that?

  you can have all the air that you want

  I know

  I spoil you

  you’ll open one of the windows, then?

  I would so love to see the sky again

  Good God, no

  not FRESH air

  Good lord

  do you want to catch winter fever?

  But it’s summer, John

  surely it couldn’t be as bad as all that in the summer

  Summer is the worst time of all to catch winter fever

  the body simply doesn’t expect it

  Next thing you know

  your dropsy is so bilious it makes ship fever look like barrel fever

  And then where would you be

  I’m not sure

  where would I be?

  Nowhere good

  I can tell you that much

  nowhere good, medically speaking

  no I’ll have the air brought in downstairs and let it waft up

  Go back to sleep

  I’ve been asleep all morning

  and all night before that

  I couldn’t possibly sleep any more

  I’ll go mad if I try to lie still another hour

  ah that’s how you know you need rest

  only a truly sleepy woman would say that

  John have you noticed a yellow smell in the house

  I’ve noticed a yellow smell

  A yellow smell?

  Not particularly

  Could be some sort of miasma

  I’ll have the garden torn up just in case

  and extra bars set on the windows

  darling

  you know the broken-necked reverse-eyed witch nightmares in the

  wallpaper?

  the what?

  you know the ones I mean, John dear

  they writhe in those slinking hate patterns?

  good God

  Well they’ve started to chant in unison

  what has become of you alone up there

  Oh, don’t worry, pet

  I know how to quiet them

  I know how to make them stop their needle dance

  They promised me

  once I’ve done what they want

  they’ll be at peace again

  So there’s nothing to worry about!

  I’ll be right down, darling

  coming downstairs at last

  Wuthering Heights

  hello everyone

  Father!

  yes yes hello

  are you coming home tonight?

  yes

  oh how splendid

  I’m bringing someone with me

  oh?

  a homeless boy

  oh

  I found him in Liverpool

  you did?

  and am
adopting him

  for reasons that I can assure you are perfectly sound

  you are?

  perfectly good, sound, normal reasons

  I see

  he’s not my son or anything like that

  not some sort of illegitimate son I’m taking in

  he isn’t MINE, understand

  right

  I’m just adopting him

  it’s not important how I found him or who his mother is

  or what letters of mine she does or doesn’t have

  let’s have no questions about the boy from now on

  my favorite, special, beloved son,

  who I adopted and definitely am not the real father of

  be home in five!!!

  (with the boy)

  (his name is Heathcliff!!!)

  (you’re going to LOVE him)

  god i love you cathy

  i love you too

  i love you so much

  god

  it hurts how much i love you

  i love you so much

  let’s break each other’s hearts

  oh my god let’s

  i love you so much i’m going to marry edgar

  i love you so much i’m going to run away

  i love you so much i’m going to make myself sick

  good

  good that’s so much love

  i love you so much i’m going to get sick again

  just out of spite

  i’ll forget how to breathe

  i’ll be your slave

  i’ll pinch your heart and hand it back to you dead

  i’ll lie down with my soul already in its grave

  i’ll damn myself with your tears

  i love you so much i’ll come back and marry your sister-in-law

  god yes

  and i’ll bankroll your brother’s alcoholism

  i always hoped you would

  uuuuuuugh

  do you know who i hate?

  everyone?

  EVERYONE

  i love you SO MUCH

  i’m going to write your name all over my books and then

  i’m going to have someone else’s baby and then DIE

  yes

  cathy yes that’s perfect

  i’m going to kidnap your daughter someday

  and i won’t let your nephew learn how to read

  because of how much i love you

  and scream at your grave

  and i’ll rent your room out

  to some guy from London

  oh my god thank you

  thank you so much

  i’m going to love you so much

  i become a ghost

  i’m so glad to hear that

  i was hoping you’d say that

  but i’m never going to haunt you

  just that guy who’s visiting from london

  that sounds perfect

  i’m so excited to hear him tell me about what your ghost looks like

  oh my god

  what are you going to scream at my grave

  oh man

  what aren’t i going to scream at your grave

  i’ll scream everything

  i’ll scream at your soul

  good good

  i’ll scream about what a bitch you were

  i am so excited

  i am going to just

  ruin heaven with my screaming back at you

  that is so sweet of you to do that

  i’ll just murder everyone’s heart

  i hope your ghost drives me crazy

  i love you like how rocks love forests

  i totally know what you mean

  i love you like i love the inside of my own brain

  oh my god that’s so much love

  i knooooow

  do you want to make out right now

  god no

  i want to wait until you’re dead

  and then rip up the earth over your grave

  and crawl inside

  Little Women

  MEG

  MEG

  MEG WHAT’S ALL THIS

  WHAT’S ALL THIS I’M HEARING ABOUT YOUR GETTING MARRIED

  tell me it’s a wretched lie

  Jo I don’t know how many more times we have to have this

  conversation

  I’ll have it a THOUSAND TIMES if I must

  but yes

  I am still marrying John tomorrow

  OH GREAT TRIPLE-HORNED GOD

  just like I was planning to yesterday

  this is unbearable

  and also last month

  answer me this, then

  who exactly do you think is going to play Mercy

  when we put on my version of The Pilgrim’s Progress this

  summer?

  I wrote that part for YOU

  wrote it beautifully in fact

  I don’t know, darling

  she gets a cracking scene with the villain

  Rodrigo where he tries to poison her

  and she screams and faints and everything

  I don’t remember anyone named Rodrigo in The Pilgrim’s Progress

  THAT’S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE MEG

  I’m very sorry

  this production will be ruined

  why don’t you ask Amy?

  i’m not even going to dignify that with a response

  You still have three hours to change your mind

  we could run away and be pirates

  or just wear bloomers

  but I love him, Jo

  uuuuugh

  I can’t even understand you when you get hysterical like this

  I love him and I want to marry him — that’s all

  you’re just ranting now

  it’s pure gibberish

  we’ll be living just down the road, honestly

  it’ll be like i never left at all

  does he have a horse?

  is that what this is about?

  does he have a sword gun or a railroad

  or a

  a nice hat or something?

  no, that’s not what this is about

  I hope you realize you’re breaking up the family

  I really wish you wouldn’t see things that way

  a broken home

  that’s what I come from now

  a broken home

  that’s not what they call it when your sister gets married

  then why does it feel broken, Meg

  why does it feel broken

  this is the worst thing

  that has ever happened

  to anyone

  since Father died

  Father didn’t die, Jo!

  oh

  didn’t he?

  for some reason I thought he’d died

  no

  he’ll be home in a few weeks

  Ah

  do you suppose he’s going to want his old greatcoat

  and riding boots

  and shaving things

  and top hat

  when he gets back?

  I expect that he will

  HANG EVERYTHING

  LAURIE

  I despise everything

  did you know Meg wouldn’t even let me have any fireworks at her wedding

  I didn’t know that

  not a single solitary firework

  nor a footrace either

  she wouldn’t even let me challenge the groomsmen to a feat of strength

  well I’m afraid that’s fairly customary

  not to have the maid of honor wrestling the wedding party, I mean

  THEN I’M NEVER GETTING MARRIED

  all right

  imagine having to get married without even one little roman candle

  i won’t do it you know

  i won’t live in that kind of a world

  all right, Jo

  i’ll kill myself and all of you

  but i won’t live in that world

  amy?

  yes?<
br />
  amy im dying tonight

  oh beth

  No

  yes im definitely dying

  oh its terrible how much im dying just now

  but

  what exactly

  what are you dying of

  this sewing needle

  it’s so very heavy

  well

  put it down

  the window

  it’s so

  so bright