Wildland

by Rebecca Hodge

  When he turned back to the group, the emotional scene had dissolved. Jennifer, Scott, and Sara spoke on one side, and Kat watched Lily and Nirav roll tennis balls to the excited dogs. Dark circles shadowed her eyes, and her face was tense, drawn tight. A garbage truck backing up in the street gave a strident series of beeps, and she jumped. More of a reaction than the sound deserved.

  He pulled up a chair beside her. “I hope we aren’t tiring you out too much.”

  “Oh no. I’m glad I could see everyone. If I could get some real sleep, I’d be fine.”

  “Nightmares?”

  “Yes.”

  “Nirav, too.” The flames had been doused, but the fire’s impact lingered. “Are you having any flashbacks during the day?”

  Kat looked at him, startled. “How did you know? My brain seems hardwired for panic. I’ll be thinking about something else entirely, and then the littlest thing launches me back there. The other day, I heard flames crackling at my bedside, and I was halfway to the door before I realized it was just a nurse opening a package of bandages.” She looked down at her hands. “Night is the worst. I see Nirav falling off that rockslide. I watch Juni take a last breath. Lily slips unconscious into the water. I try to save them, but I fail no matter what I do.” Her voice shook, and she swallowed with a visible effort. “Those failures feel more real than what I know is the truth.”

  Malcolm reached out, took her hand, and gave it a reassuring squeeze. She was carrying too much, no question, and she had no background to help her deal with it. “That kind of trauma rearranges your brain. Nirav has told me quite a bit about what happened, and his story included some pretty scary stuff. But he has a child’s perspective, without the responsibility you carried. He had faith you would take care of him. You didn’t have that luxury.”

  Kat’s eyes widened. “How do you understand all this?” The words came out sounding close to a sob, and it took her a minute to pull herself under control. “I was so frightened. Of the fire, of course, but mainly I was terrified of making mistakes.”

  “You were afraid that if the children died, it would be your fault.”

  She nodded.

  “And even though I can look you in the eye and tell you that you did an amazing job, and that the children are only alive because of what you did, you don’t really believe me.”

  That got another nod. A slow one this time. “Sounds like you know an awful lot about all of this.”

  It was Malcolm’s turn to stare at his hands. If he gave her a superficial, dodge-the-issue response, she would accept it. Usually, that was exactly what he would have done. But this wasn’t a random stranger, this was … Malcolm straightened, startled. Family.

  He examined the word. It was the only one that fit. The events of the past few days had intertwined their lives—his, hers, and Nirav’s—in a way that was too intense to shrug off casually. He needed to honor that and tell her the truth.

  Memories of blood, pain, and desperation flooded in, fierce and immediate. He took a deep breath. “I know it from personal experience. It’s a bit of a long story.”

  “I’m not going anywhere. Tell me.”

  He nodded, looked off to one side, and tried to pull himself together to sort out a cogent narrative. “I run a security business, working mainly with companies who do business in the Middle East and Asia.” He waited for her nod of understanding. “Before that, I was in the Army, enlisted straight out of college. I wanted to see the world, and I ended up making the service a career, got accepted into Special Forces. That put me all over the world, wherever we were needed.”

  He paused again. “After nine-eleven, my unit got very busy overseas. We were high up in isolated mountains when we got caught in a mix of mortar fire and hand-to-hand fighting. I got cut up pretty bad”—he gestured to his face, and to the right side of his chest, where his shirt hid a complicated patchwork of scars—“and I ended up coming back cross-country with two others who were even worse off than I was.”

  He chose each word carefully, wanting to let Kat know he genuinely understood what she was wrestling with but not wanting to describe the full horror. This was a story he never shared. Lewis and McKenzie. Blood-soaked. Battered. Both so young. Lewis with a wife and child at home. It had been Malcolm’s responsibility to lead them to safety, and the weight of that had been crushing.

  “We had no supplies. I packed my wounds with snow every hour to stop the bleeding and kill the pain. More than once, I thought we weren’t going to make it. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that if I curled up and quit, the others were done for.”

  He gave Kat a sharp glance, and she turned away, her emotions twisting her mouth. He knew what she was remembering. Those moments when it seemed no open path existed. The deep desire to stop struggling and simply give in, find rest and peace. The temptation of the easier path. He knew, because he’d been there. This, too, bound them together.

  “Long story short, we made it. Eventually. All of us.” The details of those three gruesome days struggling back to safety were something he never planned on revealing to anyone.

  Kat clenched her hands. “All of us.” She didn’t seem to realize she’d spoken out loud.

  “Those days in the mountains were a turning point for me,” Malcolm said. “There was my life before, and my life after. The person I was before, and the person I am now. It was a change for the better. I no longer take my life so much for granted, and I realize now what I’m capable of accomplishing when I have to. It’s hard to put into words, but I think you understand.” Again, he paused and looked at Kat.

  She found her voice. “I’m still trying to sort it out, but when I think back to what happened, what I did, it feels like a stranger took over.”

  “Exactly. As if a different person had been hiding inside, waiting for the right moment to put in an appearance. Eventually, I decided I needed to get acquainted with the stranger I’d become.” Malcolm gave Kat’s hand a reassuring squeeze. The stranger he’d become. Like dropping a handful of pebbles into a calm lake—the ripples had steadily expanded, ultimately giving him the confidence to strike out on his own. Start his own business. Adopt his son.

  Not an easy process, this business of sorting oneself out, but Kat had the grit to do it. Of that he was confident. Now, she just had to convince herself.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  THURSDAY, A WEEK AFTER THE FIRE, 3:00 PM

  Kat sat back in her chair and enjoyed the bustle that surrounded her, happy to be outdoors. Much of her past week in the hospital had been lost in a drug-clouded haze, and it felt surreal to be here, safe and surrounded by people she cared for fiercely instead of fleeing for her life. Even the presence of the dogs, patched up as they were, brought her to the edge of tears. She wouldn’t have thought she could grow so attached to two stupid dogs.

  Malcolm’s story gave her plenty to think about. He was right—being trapped in the fire had changed her profoundly, but she wasn’t sure of the implications. It felt no easier to face the future and decide on the right path.

  Malcolm had shifted over to the picnic table, where he was having an animated conversation with Sara, a reminder of the fact that they’d had a week to get to know each other while Kat was out of the loop. As soon as she learned of Kat’s injuries, Sara had abandoned her competition in Florida and driven all night to get to the hospital. Ever since, she’d been faithfully at Kat’s side, chatting with the nurses, calling in meal orders, fetching ice water, helping Kat to the bathroom. Sustaining her. Not arguing. Not questioning the treatment decision that still hovered between them.

  Kat had spent days like that at her own mother’s bedside, feeding her ice chips, swabbing her mouth when she could no longer swallow, helping her shift position when weakness overwhelmed her. All things she had wanted to spare her daughter. But for the first time, Kat also remembered how desperately she had wanted to hang on to her mother for one more week, one more day, one more hour. How they both treasured every momen
t of those last few months together, each day valued even more because they knew their time had a limit. Perhaps Sara felt the same. The possibility made it easier to understand Sara’s side of things, and a surge of love for her daughter left her smiling.

  Scott came over and sat in the chair beside Kat, and she set aside her thoughts. “Can I get you anything to eat? Jen brought enough food for an army.”

  “No thanks. It feels good to just sit here awhile. I’m still trying to come to grips with everything.”

  Scott nodded. He looked subtly different than he had before the fire—more certain in his movements, more confident in his attitude. He no longer seemed so boyish. Perhaps he, too, had discovered a side of himself he hadn’t expected. They sat for a moment in peaceful silence.

  Lily left the dogs, and she stood off to one side, staring into the distance. As Kat watched, her shoulders slumped forward, her chin trembled, and her smile wavered. Here, in the middle of a picnic, surrounded by friends and family, she looked frightened.

  Scott must have noticed as well, because he called Lily over. When she got closer, lines of tension were obvious around her eyes. Her restless hands jerked occasionally with no purpose.

  “You all right, kiddo?” Scott asked.

  “I’m great, Dad. Those cupcakes are amazing, aren’t they?”

  It was a blatant evasion, and Kat’s heart went out to her. They were all struggling, one way or another. She glanced at Scott and was relieved to see he wasn’t buying it. She stayed silent, hoping this new version of Scott would say something.

  “You didn’t look fine,” he said. “Standing over there, you seemed … scared.”

  Lily bit her lower lip and looked away. “I’m fine. Really. Mom says I need to be grateful and move on. Think about school. And friends. And fun stuff.” She said it as if it were a dreaded homework assignment.

  Scott snorted. “Well, if you figure out how to stop thinking about that fire, let me know the trick.”

  Yes. Kat was tempted to reach over and hug him. Lily needed more than a simple admonishment to think about something else.

  Lily whirled to face him, her eyes startled. “You think about it, too?”

  “Of course I do. It’s scary stuff.” He squared his shoulders. “Look, if you ever want to talk about it, let me know. Your mom wasn’t there. I was. We can set up some Skype calls. Whatever you want.”

  Lily chewed on her lip again. “Yeah. Maybe.” She scuffed the toe of one of her new tennis shoes along the concrete patio.

  Sara used to do that when she had something to say but couldn’t figure out how. It would be tragic if Lily and Scott didn’t connect on this.

  “If there’s something you think might help,” Kat said, “you should tell your father.”

  Lily looked interested, but she shook her head.

  Kat tried again. “Lily, you were the one who figured out how to help Nirav on that rockslide. You were the one who got us to the pond. If you can do that, you can do anything you set your mind to.”

  Scott gave Kat a grateful glance, and after a moment, Lily took a deep breath. “Dad, you still have two weeks of vacation left, right?”

  “Yeah. Claude is trying to talk me into starting back sooner, but I’m holding out.”

  “I don’t want to go back home with Mom. I want to stay with you for the rest of our summer trip.”

  This was definitely not the same girl who had whined about her father’s plans on that first walk. Scott made an obvious effort to act nonchalant, but his delight bubbled to the surface, and Kat found herself smiling along with him. “Really? That would be great.”

  “I guess maybe we can hike some more if you really want to, but not around here.”

  Scott’s eyebrows hit an all-time high. Lily, trying to suggest something she knew would make her father happy? Amazing.

  But he shook his head. “No, I don’t think hiking’s a good idea. You need to take it easy.”

  Lily had mentioned something in that first conversation with Kat. “What about New York City?” Kat asked.

  Lily’s eyes lit up. “Really? Could we?”

  Scott at once rose to his feet. “Sounds like a plan. We can go tell your Mom.”

  Lily seemed about to agree, but then she shook her head. “That’s okay. I’ll tell her.” She walked away, head high.

  “Though she be but little, she is fierce.” Kat spoke the quote out loud without thinking. “Sorry, Shakespeare takes over sometimes.” She must truly be getting back to normal.

  Scott laughed. “Fierce is right. I’m so grateful we didn’t lose her.” He gave her a pointed look. “Thank you.”

  Kat turned away. First Jennifer, now Scott. They didn’t understand. She was no heroine—she’d faked it every step of the way. Malcolm was right. Even though everyone kept telling her she had done an amazing job, it just didn’t mesh with the person she believed she was. It was easy to give Lily a pep talk, tell her she could do anything. It was much harder to convince herself.

  Malcolm came over to join them, his cell phone in his hand. “The landlord just called me. Amazingly enough, the house Nirav and I were in made it through the fire. She wants me to go up this afternoon and clear out our things so they can start making repairs. Nirav will be pleased—everything he brought to the States is in that cottage.”

  Scott looked momentarily disgruntled, but then he glanced toward Lily and his face cleared. “I got a call this morning, too, but not such good news—our stuff didn’t make it. Oh well. I’m sure Lily will enjoy a shopping spree in New York to replace everything.”

  Kat stared at Malcolm for a long moment. Her cottage had been destroyed, and her stomach churned every time she thought about the fire, but the idea of going back up the mountain—seeing the damage for herself—was nonetheless tempting. Maybe going back would let her leave the horrors of the fire behind her. “Your car is still up there, isn’t it?”

  Malcolm nodded. “Sounds like it may be salvageable if I get it towed in.”

  “Why don’t you let Sara and me give you a ride up? They’re going to walk me through all of my discharge stuff right after we’re done here, so we’ll be heading out anyway.”

  Malcolm’s brow furrowed. “Are you sure? It would take you out of your way, and it sounds like there’s not much left up there.”

  “To be honest, I’m not sure at all.” In the fire, her choices had been forced, with no time for inner debate. As hard as those decisions had been, they still seemed easier than the decisions she still needed to face.

  She asked herself what Jim would have said about such a foolish trip, but for the first time, the question felt irrelevant. She had come back to the cottage they’d shared to recapture the sense of comfort she’d felt with him, but instead, she’d proven she had to move forward on her own. Jim had left the stage.

  Malcolm waited patiently while she sorted herself out.

  “Yes,” Kat finally said, “I think I want to go see it myself. It wasn’t until I saw the children that I truly believed they were safe. Maybe seeing the mountain again will help me believe all this is over.”

  “In that case, a ride up would be great. I’ll arrange for one of the volunteers to keep an eye on Nirav while I’m gone.”

  The rest of the picnic flew past, including tearful good-byes to Scott, Lily, and Jennifer, with promises to stay in touch. They all might wish to forget the fire, but that didn’t change the fact that their connections to each other remained.

  * * *

  A few short hours later, Kat waited in Sara’s 4Runner while Sara walked the dogs and Malcolm got Nirav settled. Kat had been officially discharged, and countless instructions cluttered her head—apply this, inhale that, swallow the rest. Yet another disheartening reminder of the ways medical care could take over her life.

  A tangle of hospital bills lay ahead, and she needed to figure out how to repay Malcolm for the vet bills. The list of everything she had to replace was long and intimidating. Cell phone, driver�
�s license, credit cards, wallet. Clothing. Books. A car. That’s what she should be working on, all those practical details, instead of offering to take Malcolm on a trip into the fire zone that was likely to be distressing.

  Sara returned and helped the dogs into the far back of the car, both worn out after all the excitement.

  “I’m not very happy about this.” Sara plunked down in the driver’s seat, leaving the door open. “You’re already having nightmares; why make things worse?”

  “I’ll be fine. Honest.”

  Sara snorted, her disbelief obvious, but she pulled out her phone and started checking email.

  This week in the hospital had been a much-needed break in their argument. They’d talked, but only about innocuous things—Sara’s job, her fostered animals, her vacation plans. Kat drank in the details of her daughter’s life with an insatiable thirst, wanting to absorb it all while she could.

  The urgent, unspoken messages she’d considered in the pond flared brightly. Tell Sara I love her. Tell her I’m proud of her. Tell her how precious she is to me. She needed to say it all out loud, but she hesitated, cautious about the risk of undermining a calm that still felt so fragile.

  She was relieved when Malcolm arrived and her chance for serious conversation with Sara passed. “Everyone all set?”

  “Ready,” Sara said.

  Malcolm settled into the back seat, and Kat twisted around so she could talk to him while Sara drove. A bright blue sling still immobilized his right arm, and dark bruises were visible around the edges of its fabric. He moved a bit slowly, but otherwise he looked unchanged by recent events, as calm and composed as ever. It was a great piece of acting, but she’d seen the worried way he watched Nirav.

  The scar that so defined him no longer disturbed her—she couldn’t now imagine him without it. She dreaded the moment she would have to say good-bye to him. He and Nirav meant more to her than she would have believed possible only a few days ago.

  “I’m not sure what we’re going to find up on the mountain,” he said.