Light as Air

by Mari Carr

  All because his dad had decided rehab wasn’t for him.

  “How did you know I was here?” TJ asked.

  “Sienna called me right after she dropped you off,” James replied. Sienna was Doug and James’s older sister. She and her husband, Daniel, lived in their own place on Compass Ranch. Quite a few of the family had settled on the vast property that had been JD Compton’s back in the day. Doug’s grandfather had been dead for well over twenty-five years, but he was still a legend in town, someone remembered, revered.

  Sienna was a nurse at the hospital, but she was on maternity leave, and she’d stopped by the hospital while running errands because one of her colleagues hadn’t had a chance to see the baby yet. She had seen him there in his father’s room, eyes barely open and so numb he couldn’t feel his own body.

  She’d taken one look at him and told him to get his ass in her car, that she was taking him back to Compass Ranch where he could crawl into a clean bed and sleep. He may have been an only child, but in some ways, it felt like the Compton kids were his siblings, Sienna and James treating him like another little brother.

  They had almost been back to the ranch when he’d asked her to change direction, to take him to his house. Sienna had protested, promising to bring him back later, but he’d insisted.

  She must have called James the second he shut the passenger door behind him. It hadn’t taken Doug’s brother long to rally the troops.

  “So what’s the plan?” Bryant asked.

  TJ wasn’t sure if he meant today or in the future, but he didn’t have an answer either way so he shrugged. “House had belonged to my mom’s parents. She and my dad had been renting an apartment in town, but they moved here after her folks passed away. There’s no money to rebuild, so I guess I’ll try to find a place to rent.”

  TJ didn’t mention Doug and Rosalia. He knew Doug had told his brother and cousins about Rosalia, but they’d agreed not to mention their change in status until they were all together and they could do it in person. It was one thing for straight Doug to tell his family that the girl he’d been madly in love with for three years had finally admitted she loved him back. It was another to announce he’d come out of the closet for TJ and the three of them were shacking up, threesome-style.

  Not that Doug’s family would blink an eye at that. But…Doug wanted to have that talk face-to-face with TJ present, and not through a video call.

  “And your dad?”

  TJ sighed. “I don’t know. It’s going to be a bad recovery for him. He was seriously burned. Doctor mentioned there would probably be several surgeries, skin grafts, stuff like that. He’s not getting out of the hospital for a while.” He didn’t bother to add he didn’t have a clue where that money was coming from. Neither of them had jobs at the moment and no health insurance. The well just kept getting deeper and deeper, and TJ feared he’d never find the bottom so that he could start pulling himself out.

  He’d told Doug—warned him—that signing on with him was a bad bet. TJ was suddenly buried under a heap of debt with a badly scarred alcoholic to care for. This was what TJ had been waiting for. The sucker punch had come and right now, it felt like a fucking KO.

  “You need sleep, man,” Austin said. “You look wrecked. Pretty sure things wouldn’t feel so overwhelming if you weren’t so tired.”

  TJ didn’t share that optimism.

  And he didn’t have the energy to move. Not even to James’s truck. Glancing over at the vehicle, he noticed another one coming down the driveway. It was Grand Central Station, with the number of Comptons piling up around him.

  This time, it was Jade climbing out of her car. She waved when she saw them all watching her.

  “How did you know we were all here?” Bryant asked.

  “Sienna called me,” Jade replied.

  “Didn’t realize there was a phone chain attached to my name.” TJ instantly felt bad for the bitterness in his tone. “I mean…God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that to sound so shitty.”

  James placed a strong hand on his shoulder. “Come back to the ranch with us, bro.”

  “Nope.” Jade reached down to him, holding out her hand. TJ took it instinctively, letting Doug’s small-framed, tough-as-nails cousin pull him up. “You’re coming with me first.”

  “Where?”

  She paused, considering his question, then shook her head. “It’s a surprise.”

  He could see the curiosity on the faces of the other men, but they all knew Jade too well, knew if she said she wasn’t telling them, she wouldn’t.

  “I guess we’ll see you back at the ranch in a little while then,” James said as they all walked back to the two vehicles. “Doug should be pulling in about dinnertime.”

  James didn’t mention Rosalia, but he knew that if Doug was coming, she was too. Which meant he’d royally fucked up her research project. TJ would have to borrow a phone once he got to the ranch to call Doug, to see if he could convince them to turn around.

  He rubbed his eyes. Yeah. That wouldn’t happen. If Doug’s nose was pointed home, he wasn’t going back no matter what TJ said.

  He climbed into the passenger seat, relieved when Jade pulled out onto the main highway without talking. He was out of words, tired of trying to come up with answers to unsolvable problems.

  Austin was right. He needed sleep. He tried to do the math and figured out he’d only gotten four hours of sleep in the last three days. Jade drove in silence, making her way into town.

  He frowned when she pulled up in front of the church. TJ wasn’t exactly a praying man.

  “Uh, listen, Jade, church is a nice idea and all, but—”

  “Not the church.” She pointed to the adjoining cemetery. “There.”

  TJ swallowed heavily and shook his head. Jade had a better chance getting him into the sanctuary. “No.”

  “Doug called last night. Said he thought it was time you and your mom had a chat.”

  He continued shaking his head, making no move to leave the car.

  “I used to come here all the time when I was younger, a teenager,” Jade confessed. “I always came on my birthday to visit George.” Jade had been a twin. However, her brother George had died in childbirth.

  “I didn’t know that.”

  “Not many people did. I know it might sound silly. Sitting alone beside a grave, just talking to the air, but I always felt like George was listening. And even though he never directly spoke to me, he always found a way to make sure I left—every single time—with the answer I’d been looking for. You need to talk to your mom.”

  TJ wasn’t aware of the tears streaming until one plopped off his cheek and hit his collarbone. He knuckled them away.

  “Come on. Even if you don’t want to talk, there’s something you need to see.” Jade was out of the car and halfway across the street before TJ could protest. He got out of the car, simply because he was too tired to figure out what else to do.

  He followed her down the path, past countless graves, surprised that she knew exactly where his mother lay.

  When she stopped in front of a beautiful granite headstone, he thought perhaps she was taking a second to say hello to George.

  She looked at him as she pointed to the stone. “Take a look.”

  TJ felt a piercing pain roar through his heart when he read his mother’s name.

  Janet Elizabeth Nicholas.

  Below the dates of her birth and death were the words, “Beloved wife of Thorn, adored mother of TJ.”

  “I don’t understand. Where did this come from?”

  “Doug called me in early October. Asked me to order it. The groundskeeper just placed it late last week. It’s lovely, isn’t it?”

  TJ gave up trying to hold back the tears.

  He’d been here one time, and that was the day they’d laid his mother in the ground. He had stood here, Thorn on his right and Doug on his left, and he’d never shed a damn tear. Now, the floodgates had been opened and there was no holding back the sor
row.

  Jade reached into her purse and pulled out a small packet of tissues. He grinned through the tears when he saw them, recalling that his mother always carried the same package in her purse as well. He took them gratefully.

  “I’ll leave you two alone. Take your time,” Jade said. “I’m going to do some window shopping on Main Street, maybe step into Sterling’s jewelry shop to see what’s new and say hi.”

  She started to walk away but stopped when he called out her name.

  “Jade.”

  She turned toward him.

  “Thanks.”

  Jade smiled. “I just placed the order. Doug paid the bill. He loves you. We all do. I know sometimes you feel lonely, like it’s you facing a cruel world, but I hope you know…you’re never alone. You’ll always have Doug, and by extension, the crazy lot of us. You can decide if that’s a blessing or a curse.”

  Jade always found a way to make him laugh with her straight talk.

  TJ watched her walk away, waited until she was through the gate and back on the sidewalk before he turned his attention back to the grave.

  He dropped to his knees and bent his head. Jade had suggested he talk to her, so he did.

  “I’m sorry I haven’t been here before now, Mom. I wanted to, I swear. I think about you every day.” He swallowed hard, trying to dislodge the boulder-sized lump that had his voice sounding thin, strained.

  “I know I told you I’d look after Dad. I tried to keep that promise.” The tears started falling again. “I failed you. Failed him. I’m so sorry.”

  For several minutes, he cried out his grief, the agony he’d felt over losing her. And the house. And even his father. He’d tried for so many years to be worthy of her, tried to take over and do all the things she couldn’t. Cancer had robbed too many years from her and for so long, TJ thought he could hold on to her memory, could make that tragic death okay by simply granting her dying wish.

  Take care of your father.

  His body shuddered roughly as the tears started to dry up.

  Then something came to him. Something he’d forgotten. Words that had been lost to him until that minute.

  And take care of yourself, my precious son. Find your happiness, and I will be happy.

  TJ tried to figure out where those words had come from, where they’d been. For a second, he wondered if she’d actually said them, or if he was merely delusional from a lack of sleep.

  He closed his eyes and let himself slip back to that bedroom so many years ago. Her breathing had become more labored, the death rattle, he’d heard it called. She’d been drifting in and out of sleep for several days, the time she was awake growing less with each passing hour.

  TJ had been dozing on the chair next to her and she’d stirred, her hand moving in his. He had been surprised to find her eyes open, her gaze focused clearly on him after so many days of hallucinating due to the morphine.

  She’d licked her dry lips and he’d leaned close in order to hear her whispered words. “Take care of your father. And take care of yourself, my precious son. Find your happiness, and I will be happy. Promise me.”

  “I promise,” he’d said. But he had only remembered the first part of the vow.

  For twelve years, he’d tried to hide the booze, picked his dad up from the bar when he was too drunk, paid the bills. He had done his best to follow through on his promise…but the truth was, Thorn didn’t want to be cared for. He was hell-bent on following his wife to an early grave.

  That was his decision. More than that, it was his right.

  TJ was finished.

  He’d get his dad into a care facility, he’d get a job—even back at the lumberyard if he had to—to pay the medical bills, but once his dad was back on his feet, he was on his own.

  TJ was going to spend the rest of his years accomplishing the second part of his promise. The one he’d forgotten. The one he’d truly failed on…up until October.

  He smiled when he thought about Rosalia and Doug.

  “You’d love Rosalia,” he whispered to his mom. “She’s beautiful and sweet, just like you. And Doug grew up to be a strong, smart, capable man. You always said he was ‘good people,’ just like his family. I’m happy with them. Really happy. So maybe…” He placed his hand on the cold, soft grass in front of her stone. “Maybe that will bring you some happiness, too.”

  Jade was right. There wasn’t a sound in the cemetery, yet he’d discovered the same peace he hoped his mother had found.

  “I’ll be back soon,” he promised. “I won’t stay away so long this time. I miss you every day, Mom. Love you.”

  TJ walked back to the street, but Jade was nowhere to be found. He considered seeking her out at Sterling’s, but changed his mind halfway there, bypassing the jewelry shop, heading toward another store instead.

  Vaughn looked up from some sketch he was working on when the small bell that hung above the door to Cowboy Ink jingled.

  “Hey, stranger. Heard about the fire. Figured you’d be heading back to town. You doin’ okay?” Vaughn asked.

  Compton Pass was a small place, which meant everybody knew everyone else…and their business.

  “Yeah. Bit tired, but hanging in there. Jade’s down visiting with Sterling and she’s my ride. Thought I’d come…” TJ wasn’t sure why he’d come here. It had been an impulsive decision. His eyes landed on the sketch Vaughn had been doing, and whatever he’d planned to say vanished. “Whoa. That’s amazing. Is that going to be a tattoo?”

  Vaughn slowly placed his hand over the drawing, uncomfortable for some reason. “Um, yeah. Shit.”

  TJ frowned, completely flummoxed until Vaughn said, “I’m working on something for Doug. He called last night from some campground in the middle of God knows where. Got the impression he was worried about you and struggling to sleep. Called me to see if I could work on a mock-up for him. Something like Austin, Bryant and James have.”

  “They all have tattoos?”

  Vaughn grinned. “Yeah. Austin sort of got the ball rolling after Jake passed. They look a lot like the ones their fathers got from my dad.”

  Snake had been the local tattoo artist, passing his talent and the business on to his son.

  “You think I could see it?” Neither he nor Doug had any tattoos. For TJ, it was a case of never having money for something like that. He’d never thought to ask Doug if he wanted one somewhere down the road.

  Vaughn paused for a second, and TJ realized what he’d just asked. “Never mind. I’m sorry. You’re right. This is Doug’s deal. It’s private.”

  “It’s not that. Doug already said he was going to show you the mock-up before he got it. Said he wouldn’t put a drop of ink on his skin if you or Rosie hated it. It’s just…” Vaughn sighed and turned the sketch around. “Here. Take a look. Maybe you can tell me if I’m on the right path. It’s not finished yet, but it’s close.”

  TJ gasped as he studied the drawing, his eyes flying over all the features, visually taking it apart section by section so he could soak it all in.

  There was a compass that was very similar to the one Snake had put on Seth’s back, as well as on Doug’s uncles. TJ had caught glimpses of them during scorching summers when they all worked shirtless. There was a silhouette of a ranch hand that looked like Jake—that part had TJ’s chest tightening. Of course, Doug would want to include a tribute to the man who’d meant so much to him.

  The entire thing was surrounded with lines that gave the illusion of air, a twister, intertwined with film reels. It was that concept that tied the whole thing together to make it look like one composed unit. That was Vaughn’s true talent. Taking so many ideas and creating a single portrait.

  TJ could look at this tattoo for years and probably still not see all the nuances—and as he thought it, he saw something he’d missed. Etched in the air and done in a flowy script that mimicked the other lines were Rosalia’s initials.

  And his.

  He snorted out a laugh. Jesus. Only Doug wo
uld ask to have something permanently tattooed on his back when absolutely everything between them was up in the air…literally and figuratively…according to this sketch.

  Vaughn grinned at his response. “You like it?”

  TJ nodded. “It’s amazing. Perfect.”

  “Really? All of it?”

  Vaughn was clearly digging for juicier details. “All of it. Does Bryant know about us?”

  Vaughn shook his head. “Nah. Doug swore me to secrecy. Said you were going to talk to his family together. That still the case?”

  TJ smiled, his future looking crystal clear for the first time in his life. “Yeah. That’s still the case.”

  “And what about your dad?” Vaughn knew firsthand how big a homophobe Thorn was.

  “He’ll either deal with it or he won’t.”

  Vaughn grimaced. “Spoiler alert. He—”

  “Won’t,” they said in unison, laughing.

  “I better go. Jade’s probably wondering where I disappeared to by now. You think you might do a sketch for me? I’d like something similar, with the air and the film and…” As he spoke, he thought of his mom. He’d want to remember her somehow in his tattoo.

  “Sure thing. Call me later in the week and we’ll talk over the concepts.”

  “Thanks.”

  TJ was still dog-tired, but there was no denying he felt about a million pounds lighter than he had an hour ago. Jade was just coming out of Sterling’s shop as he approached it.

  “Okay?” she asked.

  He smiled and nodded. “Better than I’ve been in a long time.”

  Her delight was palpable, and it simply added to TJ’s newfound happiness.

  “Can I ask a favor?”

  Jade nodded. “Of course.”

  “I’d like to make one more quick stop before we head back to the ranch.”

  “Sure thing. Where to?”