Chemistry Lessons

by Jae

  Once she was older, she had found out they actually controlled the flow of water in the reservoirs, but that feeling of the park being a magical place, set apart from the bustling city, had never quite left her.

  As she crossed the street and climbed up the long set of stairs to the reservoir at the base of Mount Tabor, she hoped that slivers of magic still lingered—she could sure use it for the conversation ahead.

  An unlikely princess waited for her in front of the first gatehouse. Since Ky’s apartment was less than half a mile from the park, she usually made it there before Regan. At least this one thing hadn’t changed.

  Ky had one hand shoved deeply into her pants pocket while she repeatedly swiped her bangs from her face with the other hand. One of her feet tapped out an unheard rhythm, but when Regan approached, she stopped. A look of apprehension crossed her face, then was gone so fast that anyone else might have missed it.

  Not Regan.

  That look made her want to walk up to her and hug her tightly. But hugging might lead to kissing her cheek, which might lead to capturing Ky’s soft lips with her own again.

  No. This conversation was too important to mess it up with one of her impulsive moves, so Regan forced herself to stop a few feet away. She dredged up a smile. “Hey.”

  “Hi.” Ky bobbed up and down on the balls of her feet as if trying to get rid of some nervous energy. “How was the faculty meeting?”

  Regan made a show of dramatically rolling her eyes. “Could have been an email.”

  Silence descended again.

  God, Regan missed their usual easy banter. “Shall we?” She pointed toward the promenade encircling the rectangle-shaped reservoir, separated from it by an ornamental wrought iron fence. At least walking would give them something to do apart from awkwardly avoiding eye contact.

  Ky nodded, and they turned right to get to the other side of the reservoir.

  Since it was a weekday, not as many joggers and cyclists passed them, making the silence between them even more obvious.

  Neither of them said much, other than pointing out a squirrel darting across the paved path and then scrambling up a tree.

  They climbed the hundred-plus stairs that would take them to the next reservoir, halfway up the hill. The steps were narrow and steep, forcing them to walk single file. Talking was impossible anyway because Regan was breathless. Her heart pumped fast, but admittedly, it wasn’t just because the climb gave her quite the workout. She knew what would happen once they made it up: they would sit in their favorite spot and talk.

  When they reached the end of the stairs, they paused to catch their breath.

  Regan took a moment to study her favorite castle. The gatehouse up here was round, not square like the two on the lower level.

  They easily fell into step, matching each other’s pace without effort as they circled the oval-shaped reservoir to get to their spot. The scent of pine trees tickled Regan’s nose. Maybe the scent was part of the Mount Tabor magic for her. It reminded her of Ky’s perfume and the tree house from their childhood.

  Everything in her life reminded her of Ky. Hell, Ky was her life—or at least a big part of it. She couldn’t lose her.

  Their bench at the edge of a grassy area was empty, without any people nearby.

  Wordlessly, they steered toward it and sat next to each other. A foot of space separated their thighs. Each inch hurt, making Regan aware of how much was on the line.

  Despite her Catholic grandparents, she wasn’t a religious person, but now she prayed she wouldn’t say the wrong thing and screw everything up. If only she knew what the right thing was.

  Ky was quiet too—not her usual laid-back calm but a tense silence, as if she had no clue what to say either.

  They both watched the clouds reflected in the green-blue water of the reservoir below them as they slowly drifted across the sky. Beyond the gatehouse on the other side, they had a scenic view of downtown and the West Hills in the distance. Slowly, the sun dipped toward the dusky hills.

  Great. A romantic sunset. Just what she needed for this conversation.

  “I hate this,” she burst out. Wait, that wasn’t what she’d wanted to say. “Not that.” She gestured toward the reservoir, the view, and the sunset. “This.” She pointed between them.

  Ky merely nodded without saying anything.

  Her silence was unnerving, so Regan tried to fill it with whatever came to mind. “I had the shittiest week.”

  “You think mine was great?” Ky grumbled.

  Regan slid around on the bench to study her in the slowly fading light. Where had that come from? Ky wasn’t usually one for snarky comments. But something seemed to seethe beneath the surface, like the dormant volcano that was Mount Tabor. Her strong jaw clenched, and the hand closest to Regan tightly gripped her own leg.

  Regan desperately wanted to reach out and stroke her fingers until they relaxed. It almost physically hurt to know that she couldn’t. “No.” For the first time in her life, she chose her words carefully when talking to Ky. “Of course I don’t think that. I’m trying to work up the courage to apologize, okay?”

  Ky once again stared straight ahead across the reservoir.

  Had that not been what she’d wanted to hear? But Regan felt she had to say it. “I’m sorry, Ky.”

  Now Ky turned her head and looked at her. Her eyes had taken on the greenish color of the water in the reservoir, and they were just as inscrutable—for once, Regan couldn’t see what lurked beneath. “Sorry…for what?”

  Wasn’t it obvious? “For kissing you.”

  The words seemed to echo across the water, even though she’d spoken them quietly.

  Ky’s eyes appeared to turn an even mossier shade of grayish green.

  Regan felt as if she were tiptoeing through the dark, slamming into obstacles with every step. Clearly, that hadn’t been the right thing to say either. What on earth did Ky want if not an apology? Maybe she didn’t even know. Regan sure as hell had no idea what she, herself, wanted. “I know that wasn’t part of the plan when we agreed to our little chemistry experiment, and I’ve been trying to understand it ever since it happened.” She paused. Should she tell Ky about her surprising realization? See if Ky possibly felt that spark of attraction too? Heart pounding, she decided to be brave and put it out there. “Do you think maybe—?”

  Ky slashed her hand through the air as if she didn’t want to hear an explanation. “This isn’t a fun little experiment to me. You’re the most important person in my life. I can’t lose that. I can’t lose you.” Her voice, sharp at first, became quieter and more anguished with every word until she whispered the last one with trembling lips.

  Oh God. Ky wasn’t angry. Not really. She was terrified.

  Nothing in the world could stop Regan from touching Ky now. She put her hand on top of Ky’s shaking fingers, but that wasn’t enough, so she slid closer and wrapped both arms around her in a hug that was fierce yet tender.

  At first, Ky stiffened. Just when Regan thought she would pull away, Ky slumped against her and returned the embrace. She clung to her with a desperate intensity Regan hadn’t felt from Ky since her dad had been caught embezzling, tearing Ky’s life apart.

  Ky’s knee dug into her leg, but Regan didn’t care. She curled both hands into the corduroy of Ky’s jacket and deeply inhaled her scent.

  Regan’s sweater had slid up a bit, and one of Ky’s hands rested on the bare skin along the small of her back. Goose bumps rose beneath her touch, but Regan ignored them. One thing was clear to her now: Whatever it was she had felt on Saturday night…whatever she might still be feeling, she had to push that spark of possibility to the back of her mind until it extinguished. If the last few days had proven one thing, it was that this had the potential to do what even Ky moving away after her parents’ divorce hadn’t managed: to pull them apart.

  She tightened her grip on Ky. For once, she’d adopt Ky’s risk-averse approach to life. She couldn’t risk hurting her or losin
g what they had for something that might not work out. “You won’t lose me,” she whispered into Ky’s ear. “Never.”

  Ky’s hold on her increased, and she pressed her face to Regan’s shoulder. “I’ve had a lot of breakups over the years, but I was always fine after a little while. Because I had you. But if I lose you…”

  “You won’t,” Regan said again. She would repeat it until Ky believed it. “Forget”—she bit the inside of her cheek and forced herself to say it—“that kiss.” And that moment in the restroom. And holding hands at the concert. She ignored that annoying voice and forged on. “I mean, the idea of us dating for real… It would be even sillier than when we taped Ms. Noyes’s remote to the SMART Board, right?”

  “You did that; I just acted as the lookout.”

  “Yeah, yeah. My point is, like you said, we both suck at relationships.”

  “Mm-hmm.” Ky hummed against her skin, causing more goose bumps to erupt. “We’re pretty good at the friendship thing, though. I don’t want to mess with that.”

  “Right. Why mess with perfection, right?” Stop saying right, dipshit! Regan cleared her throat. “We’ll leave all of this behind and go back to how it was.”

  “You think we can?” Ky asked, her voice muffled by Regan’s sweater.

  “Of course,” Regan said, as much to convince herself as Ky. “It’s up to us to define our relationship and what we want it to be, right?”

  Ky shrugged without loosening their embrace, barely avoiding an uppercut to Regan’s chin. “I guess. I just want my best friend back. I want us back.”

  “We will get us back.” It felt like speaking an oath, and Regan knew she would take it as seriously. “I promise I’ll never allow anything to come between us again.”

  Ky blew out a long exhale.

  Her warm breath washed over Regan’s neck and drifted beneath the V-neck of her sweater. A shiver raced down Regan’s chest, but she vigorously tamped down on her body’s traitorous reaction.

  They hung on to each other for a while longer. Slowly, Ky relaxed her grip on Regan’s back, let go with one arm, and leaned against the back of the bench, with her other arm still around Regan.

  Regan peeked over at her.

  Was it only the remaining pink glow of the sunset, or did Ky really look more at peace? Was it that easy for her? Had she already forgotten about their kiss and moved on?

  On the one hand, that was a relief. Ky had had enough hardship in her life; she shouldn’t have to be afraid of losing anyone else. On the other hand, Regan felt a bit of the sadness she wanted to spare Ky. Even though she had been the one to say they’d leave the kiss behind them and go back to how things had been before, not knowing what could have been made her strangely melancholic.

  They sat with their arms loosely around each other and watched as the sky grew darker until even the glimmer of orange hovering over the hills faded away. Regan could no longer make out any details, only Portland’s skyline in the distance and the black silhouettes of towering Douglas firs surrounding them. The lamps around the reservoir came on, their glow reflecting off the water. Beneath them, the lights of the city twinkled to life.

  Magical. That made her think of castles and princesses again. Well, these two princesses wouldn’t get their classic fairy-tale ending, but they would continue to slay life’s dragons together. That was a happy ending in its own right, wasn’t it?

  “What are you thinking about?” Ky asked quietly.

  “Dragons.”

  Ky burst out laughing, maybe a little too loudly, as if all the emotions of the last few days needed an escape valve. “What?”

  With a mild smile, Regan shook her head. “Oh, you know. Just my brain being weird after a long day…long week teaching.”

  Regan felt Ky’s gaze on her in the dim light, but Ky didn’t say anything.

  “What about you?” Regan asked, partly to stop Ky from digging deeper, asking about her thoughts, and partly because she really wanted to know. “What are you thinking about?”

  She felt more than heard Ky sigh, her chest lifting and falling next to her. “Heart Trouble.”

  As if recreating Ky’s words, Regan’s heart ba-bummed. “Um, what?”

  “Sorry. Guess my brain is as weird as yours. I meant the movie we watched. The one with Grace Durand.”

  Oh. That Heart Trouble. “What about it?” Truth be told, Regan would have to watch the movie again at some point because most of the scenes after the restroom incident were a blur.

  Ky swept her arm toward the glowing lights beneath them. “This reminds me of that scene when they are up at Griffith Observatory, looking down at the lights of LA.”

  That comparison felt dangerous. Her life was not a romantic movie with a guaranteed happy ending, and if she wanted to forget she was undeniably attracted to her best friend, she needed to remind herself of that. “Yeah, well, but anyone who’s ever seen my bank account knows I’m not Grace Durand, and unlike her co-star, you at least had the sense not to come up here without a jacket.”

  “But you didn’t.”

  Regan had been occupied thinking about what she would say to Ky, so she had forgotten to grab a jacket. “Teacher’s brain.”

  “Aren’t you getting cold?” Ky asked.

  “A little.” Before Ky could offer her jacket, which was totally like her, Regan added, “But we should go anyway. It’s getting late, and I have a super early day tomorrow.”

  Ky got up immediately. “All right. Let’s go.”

  As they walked around the reservoir and passed the gatehouse, Regan glanced over her shoulder at her favorite castle. Of course, there were no princesses inside, only old pumps and other equipment. Maybe Mount Tabor didn’t have any magic left or had never had any to begin with.

  She should have known there was no such thing as magic; it was all just chemistry.

  * * *

  Regan had insisted on driving her home, refusing to let her walk back to her apartment in the dark, and Ky was too drained to put up a fight.

  The latest Jenna Blake album played through the Toyota’s speakers, and, of course, it had to be one of the love songs the pop star had sung at the concert.

  Ky tried not to grimace.

  This late in the day, the neighborhood was even quieter than usual, so it thankfully took only two minutes until Regan pulled into the parking lot of Ky’s apartment building. She shut off the engine but made no move to get out and walk Ky to the door.

  Considering how the evening had ended the last time she’d done that, maybe that was a good thing.

  They sat without speaking for a few moments while the song continued to play.

  “I hope tomorrow goes okay,” Ky finally said.

  Regan sent her a questioning look.

  “The AP exam.”

  “Oh, that.” Regan chuckled as if she had completely forgotten about it. “The chem test is one of the most challenging, but my kids have put in the prep work. They’ll be fine.”

  “Good.” Ky hesitated, but she couldn’t leave without making sure.

  “Are we?” they both asked at the same time.

  They paused and looked at each other. A slow grin formed on Regan’s face, and Ky mirrored it.

  Thank God. They were still on the same wavelength.

  Ky felt as if she had been wrenched back from a deep chasm at the last second and was now back on steadier ground. It was as if she could finally breathe after holding her breath for the last five days.

  But a tiny little voice in the back of her mind remained, wondering what she would have found at the bottom of the abyss if only she’d had the courage to jump.

  A broken neck, that’s what.

  “We’ll be fine,” she said firmly.

  “Yeah.” Regan nodded, but Ky knew her well, so she couldn’t help noticing the hint of tension in her voice. “Just keep talking to me. About everything. Okay?”

  “Okay.” Ky felt like the shittiest liar ever because she already knew it was a promi
se she wouldn’t be able to keep. If she wanted to put the lid back on Pandora’s box and tape it shut, she couldn’t tell Regan how complex her feelings for her really were. She wasn’t even sure she understood it herself. “You do the same, all right?”

  Regan nodded again, her lips slightly compressed.

  Ky knew that particular shape of her mouth. That was how Regan looked when she forced herself to shut up so she wouldn’t get into even more trouble. Was Regan holding back something too?

  Whatever it is, you don’t want to know, she firmly told herself. Put the lid on and keep it shut.

  Ky climbed out of the car. “Do you want me to leave you a snack on your desk tomorrow since it’ll be a long day?”

  “Would you?” A quiver went through Regan’s voice.

  Ky bent a little to see her better. The way Regan looked up at her with her big, vulnerable eyes made Ky want to crawl back into the passenger seat to draw her into her arms. “Of course.”

  “I don’t want you to have to get up even earlier to deliver it,” Regan said.

  Ky waved her hand. “Nah. It’s on my way to work anyway.”

  “I’d love to have a snack, then. But don’t stay up too late, baking.” Regan pointed her index finger at her. “I know you, Kylie Wells.”

  “Yes, you do,” Ky said softly. “Don’t worry about it. I won’t go overboard. Please drive carefully and send me a text when you get home.”

  “Will do. Good night.”

  “Good night.” Ky shut the passenger-side door between them. She waited for Regan to pull out of the parking lot but then realized Regan was waiting for her to reach the front door.

  She waved and walked toward her apartment. As she slid her key into the lock, Regan started the car.

  Ky unlocked the door but didn’t enter yet. Instead, she turned.

  Their gazes met through the car’s side window. Then Regan backed out of the parking space, and soon, her taillights disappeared around the corner.

  “We’ll be fine,” Ky repeated to herself as she swung the front door open. After all, she had done it before—put her crush on Regan aside and focused on their amazing friendship.