Havoc and Mayhem

by Derrick A. Bonner

  “And here I thought women were supposed to be fashionably late.” he said.

  Donnie turned to him and flashed a perfect smile then in a flirtatious voice said, “I’m always fashionable, but never late.”

  Once seated, they were serenaded by a talented singer who performed a spot-on rendition of Roberta Flack’s, ‘Just When I Needed You.’ Tommy was glad he accepted Donnie’s invitation. She was more than just a pretty face. She was also, comical, intelligent and she had a real centered kind of energy. In layman’s terms, she had her shit together. He was also surprised to learn Ms. Corporate America had a passion for hip-hop music and considered herself Mike Tyson’s number one fan. Just like him. And not since Tyson and Givens had a man been so outmatched in the ring.

  Donnie was also pleasantly pleased with Tommy who arrived armed with charm and came across as a nice guy who somehow stumbled into a provincial line of work for which he was uniquely suited. And like him, she too wasn’t mad at the fact that he had lady-killer good looks, a physique like a linebacker, and the soft eyes of an R&B heartthrob who could offer stimulating and intelligent conversation.

  Half way through the date Donnie knew things were going well when the singer complimented them and asked how long they had been dating. The attractive couple chuckled letting her and everyone in attendance in on the fact that it was their very first date. At the end of the night when the waitress brought Tommy the bill and he went to pay Donnie took it from his hand and insisted on paying because she invited him out. Tommy resisted explaining that wasn’t how his Momma raised him but eventually gave in when they agreed he’d take care of the bill next time.

  Standing outside of her Bay Ridge condominium she admitted to Tommy that she had not had this much fun since the Girl Scouts and didn’t want the night to end. “Then why does it have to?” he asked her. She stared into his dreamy bedroom eyes and they shared a long kiss good night. This led to groping and her inviting him upstairs for a nightcap. That night, although they arrived in separate cars, they had an orgasm in the same bed.

  Six months later they were still hooking up whenever their demanding schedules didn’t collide and having the most incredible, mind blowing, forget-about-all-your-past-lovers, Prince doesn’t even do it like this sex. Afterwards they would chill in bed sharing a spliff together as Tommy told her Havoc and Mayhem’s latest exciting battles on the mean streets of Brooklyn. It was so ghetto, but at the same time so real, and she loved it. Eventually Donnie realized that she could not go back to the typical nine-to-five guys she used to date. At work she found herself laughing on the inside when her female coworkers talked about their lame boyfriends who couldn’t fill Tommy’s jockstrap. But truth be told, there was one thing the girls at work had over her. Their men came home to them every night. Meanwhile she was lucky if she saw Tommy twice in the same week. After careful consideration she felt it was time to rectify that.

  One morning beneath the sheets after a blissful love making session the two were sharing their usual spliff. Maybe it was the combination of Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers plus the weed. Or the fact she felt like she was in limbo and unable to keep it in any longer. Donnie confessed that she was falling in love. She told Tommy that she knew his heart still belonged to his ex-wife and did not expect him to reciprocate her feelings. Tommy didn’t say a word choosing to seal himself away from emotional melee that he felt would impede his productivity and possibly any chance at getting back together with his ex-wife. Common sense and a crew of close girlfriends told Donnie to move on and get her own man but she didn’t listen and settled for seeing him whenever she could…

  Tommy agreed with Ladies Love Cool J. He too needed some love. So he showered, changed clothes, vehicles and found himself caravanning over the Brooklyn Bridge. Destination, Manny-Hanny.

  During the day Manhattan is an overcrowded, cramped metropolis where millions of people pass by with no connection to each other whatsoever. But at night the city is swarming with tinted-out SUVs, BMWs and Mercedes Benzes pushing the speed limit, switching lanes headed to the clubs to get their party on!

  Tommy sat parked across the street from the Bentley’s nightclub on 54th Street smoking a blunt and mashing buttons on his electronic head to head football game. Half-way through his marijuana filled cigar, the club’s doors opened and a crew of incredible looking women four deep bounced out. The song ‘Flyy Girl’ by the Boogie Boys exited with them and they marched in cadence to the synthesized beat just as bad as they wanted to be.

  All of them had runway looks. They were the type that every dealer, hustler and wannabe playboy wanted to get with, had to have and wanted to sport-to show they had it going on! They ran thick each one as flyy as the other but even amongst the crew Donnie Campbell was without a doubt, the flyyest out of the bunch. Tall and statuesque, she had the kind of crippling beauty that made weak men fidget uncomfortably and avoid eye contact when speaking to her. Whipping each leg ahead with a bold snap from her little waist in an ‘I’m not conceded, I’m convinced!’ stride, she had a light complexion with a sprinkling of cracked-pepper freckles over her cherub nose, sparkling green eyes, perfect teeth, cheekbones that could cut glass and a small sexy mole over her plump lips. Her body was curvaceous and her dark curly hair reached the center of her back. A dab of gel kept her baby hair greased down in the front. Her gold cursive ‘Donnie’ nameplate nestled between her collar bones, two pairs of bamboo earrings, silk-wrapped nails, full-length sable mink coat and Gucci thigh-high boots was a warning to all men thinking about approaching her that they had best come correct, or don’t come at all.

  Four men tried to stop their groove; four men were dissed and dismissed. But number five feeling bold perhaps from the bowl of Wheaties he had for breakfast, blocked Donnie’s path with a wide cheesy grin.

  “Dang why you all in my grill and ain’t even been invited to the bar-b-que?” Donnie asked slightly creeped out.

  Ignoring her obvious repulsiveness, he moved in close and asked, “Yo baby yo don’t I know you from somewhere?”

  “Yeah and that’s why I stopped going there.” Donnie replied and kept it moving as her girls cracked up while Romeo picked his face off the floor.

  As they continued up the block a horn blew. Donnie looked across the street then smiled that million-watt smile when she saw Tommy sitting in his urban assault vehicle looking like all that and a bag of chips. While singing along to Slick Rick and Doug E Fresh’s club banger, ‘La Di Da Di’, he took a deep pull on his spliff leaning further back in his seat lazily licking his lips and slowly exhaling a wispy cloud of smoke. Never once did he glance at her. He didn’t have to. He knew she was clocking him.

  Caught up in Tommy’s flyy-ness Donnie tossed her car keys to one of her girls then jetted over. Tommy spotted Donnie approaching in his rearview with pot-soaked peepers and smiled turning the music down, “Welcome home Honey-dip.”

  “Hey bay-bee,” Donnie said with a flirtatious smile and leaned in for a brief tongue wrestle, afterwards she opened her mouth to say something but felt a light yawn coming on and covered it.

  “Tired?” Tommy asked.

  “A little. I guess I’m still feeling that three-hour time difference.” Donnie said then eyed what he was holding. “You know, you can pass that Dutchie pon’ the left-hand side.” she said and received Tommy’s blunt then brought it to her lips.

  “So how was Cali? Did you like meet any totally cool surfer- dudes?” Tommy asked in a Valley accent cracking himself up.

  Donnie frowned exhaling a cloud of smoke then passed it back. “Well let’s see. In the space of sixteen days I toured the California office. Sat through endless boring ass meetings. Got ptomaine poisoning from crabmeat and wanted to die very badly for a day and a half.”

  “Bummer.” Tommy said tapping the ashes on the ground before taking another hit.

  “So why are you asking about California anyway? If you really wanted to know you would have called me while I was
there to find out. Or you could join the rest of the world and just get a pager or at the very least a celly.” Donnie pried with a confronting stare.

  “Either you know where I am. Or you don’t. It’s that simple.” he said as Donnie lip synched along indicating she was well aware of his deal about cellular phones and beepers already. He shrugged defiantly. “Besides, like they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Tommy said pointing like the words were hanging in the air.

  Donnie raised her right eyebrow. “More like the nose grow longer.”

  “Sugar, looking at you, that ain’t all that’s growing, know what um sayin?” Tommy snickered.

  “Nasty ass,” Donnie smiled and slobbed him down some more.

  A souped-up pearl colored BMW full of giddy women pulled up alongside of Donnie blasting ‘Paper Thin’ by Mc Lyte. The girl behind the wheel sucked her teeth then looked at her Swatch like she was timing their kiss. “Alright enough with the tongue-fu already! C’mon Dee get in, we’re headed uptown to the Rooftop. Oh, hey Tommy, I didn’t know that was you. That chain you’re rocking is stupid fresh.”

  “Yeah whateva.” he replied skeptically since she never had good things to say to him any other time.

  “No for real.” she said with a mischievous grin. “Now all you need to do is get that cubic zirconia pinky ring offa lay away and your slum jewelry collection’ll be complete.” She said making the entire car shake with laughter. Tommy had a snake and mongoose type of relationship with Donnie’s crew but his main sparring partner was her best girlfriend Pumpkin the woman who ironically introduced them.

  “And what you need to do is to keep your head straight when you laugh cause that cock-eye of yours starts to rolling around and looks real crazy. Question, when E.T. phoned home, did you pick up the phone?” Tommy replied coyly.

  Pumpkin stopped popping her Juicy Fruit and gasped insulted. “Forget you Tommy Morehead!” She was a one-woman party with sleepy eyes that always made her seem like she was high, a vivacious mouth, java colored complexion and sharp tongue more lethal than a vampire’s fangs.

  “My last name is Strong. Get it right.” Tommy retorted.

  “Well you could’a fooled me, cause you got more-head than hair.”

  Tommy twisted. “Oh, now I know you ain’t talking when your head is so big it’s a freeway sign. Exit left for Largeheadass boulevard. And on top of that you’re rocking a New Year’s weave!” he said causing Pumpkin’s homegirls to snicker then unsuccessfully try to cover their mouths when she glared back at them.

  “I swear why is it you two always have to diss one another every time y’all see each other?” Donnie scolded. She wanted the two to be civil to each other, but it was as difficult as trying to align the mismatched sides of a Rubik’s Cube.

  “Talk to your girl. She’s the one acting like she’s got a patent on being obnoxious,” Tommy growled in Pumpkin’s direction.

  “Anyways I don’t see nothing wrong with having a weave. Shit-if you can’t grow it, sew it. Can’t achieve it, weave it. Your hair’s not able, then break out the staples!” Pumpkin said shamelessly defending her sew-in as she dug a fingernail in her scalp and scratched.

  “I swear the two of you must have been siblings in a past life. So anyway, what can I do for you?” Donnie asked Tommy.

  “I thought you wanted to hook up tonight.” He asked twirling her hair around his fingers.

  “Oh, so that’s all I’m good for is hooking up?” Donnie pulled back.

  Tommy sighed and looked to the sky for strength. He hated it when women put on a show for their girlfriends. “Maybe this was a bad idea.” he said and revved his engine.

  “Hold-up! Why are you tripping? You know I was just playing.” Donnie said switching up her attitude then turned to her homegirls.

  “Yeah I thought so.” Tommy muttered under his breath.

  “So what’s up Dee, you ready to bounce or what?” Pumpkin asked with major attitude.

  “Um-actually why don’t y’all go on without me.” Donnie said in a mousy voice.

  “Whoa-rewind. Same question.”

  “I’m gonna roll with Tommy.” Donnie said. The girls traded disgusted looks as Tommy immaturely grinned at Pumpkin.

  “Damn Dee why you got to be a flat-leaver? I swear, we’re chilling all night, having fun, and then he steps on the scene and you’re ready to abandon your girls. That is so foul.” Pumpkin said pissed off.

  “C’mon now gurl you know it ain’t even like that. Ah sista is just trying to get her freak on that’s all.” Donnie winked at her best friend hoping she’d understand.

  “Well maybe if you stopped wasting your time on Headdie Murphy and came with us, you might meet someone to get your freak on with.” Pumpkin said pissed.

  “Donnie if you’re rolling with Witchy-Poo, cool. If not then let’s bounce cause I feel a hate crime coming on!” Tommy said and Pumpkin rolled her eyes back at him.

  “C’mon P, why are you acting like this?” Donnie asked her best friend.

  “Because it’s supposed to be girls night out.” Pumpkin whined.

  “But, you know how I feel about Tommy,” Donnie said out the side of her mouth hoping Tommy didn’t hear her. But he did.

  “Yeah but when he ain’t show up to meet you inside the club, you was like, ‘Fuck Tommy with his ol’ big-headed-self!’ Now you’re acting brand new. I mean damn Dee, is the dick that good?”

  Tommy ran his hand over his baldhead smiling boastfully, “Well not for nothing-”

  “Tommy!” Donnie cut him off. She realized her friend was only looking out for her best interest but she didn’t understand. After being with a steak and potatoes man like Tommy Strong she couldn’t go back to a burgers and fries type of guy. Tommy was a complete package. Good looks, self-confidence and the most incredible lover she had ever had. Real men like that were not waiting for her at the Rooftop. That was for damn sure.

  “Look, take my car and y’all go on. I’ll pick it up tomorrow and we can do lunch. My treat.” Donnie said cheerily to her girlfriends.

  Pumpkin sucked her teeth and shot Tommy a look he wanted to frame and hang on his wall, “Carmine’s. And I’m ordering the most expensive thing I can’t pronounce on the menu.” she hissed at Donnie

  “Yo Donnie what’s up, your girl can’t pronounce pork and beans?” Tommy asked and cracked himself up.

  Pumpkin gave him the finger then peeled off. Donnie shook her head. Pumpkin was just going to have to be mad. She needed some D-I-C-K in the worst way. She climbed into Tommy’s ride beside him and before pulling off he turned to her and asked, “So you said I got a big head huh?”

  Donnie leaned over and stole a kiss then palmed his crotch and smiled. “Umm-hmm, real big!”

  As they headed for Brooklyn a black Mercedes emerged from the shadows and tailed them making sure to blend in with the background so as not to be seen.