by Marie James
“Maybe?” I shrug.
“I don’t know how tomorrow is going to go. I have a meeting, and I get the feeling that it’s going to determine if I’m going to be allowed to stay with Cerberus or if they’re going to give me my walking papers.”
“What do you want the outcome to be?” I turn on my side, bending my arms and curling my hands into the center of my chest.
“I want to stay.” His eyes search mine as if he’s afraid that the confession will change the way I feel about him.
“Then I hope you get to stay.”
“You really mean that.”
“I do. I think this organization is doing amazing work, and I’m proud that you’re a part of it.” I mean every word of it.
Without Cerberus, I know I’d be dead. Lots of women would be. They fight every time they leave the clubhouse to eradicate the world from vile, evil men who don’t value life, and that’s commendable. That’s something to be proud of, and if there was a way I could help, I’d step up and do just that.
I want to do something with my life that gives me purpose. I may not be able to fight and serve the way Ryan does, but there have to be things that I’m able to do to help. I make a mental list to ask Emmalyn and Misty tomorrow about local organizations that help women.
“So, when they tell you that you do get to stay—”
“If,” he interrupts. “If they let me stay, then yes, we can go shoot tomorrow.”
We’ve had two lessons with the handgun Jasmine offered me weeks ago, and even though it turns out I’m not a terrible shot, I’m not one hundred percent comfortable with it yet either.
Max, Jasmine, and Khloe joined us at the gun range at the back of the property, and even though it was freezing, we stayed and used a case of ammo each before returning to the clubhouse to warm up with hot cocoa and long conversations in the living room.
I had my conversation with Max, and it went better than I expected it would. He spoke first, explaining everything that led up to his job with the CIA, and I found myself being more understanding than I thought capable. It seems I’ve not only healed with my time here, but I’ve also grown more understanding and empathetic to what others have gone through.
“You’re quiet.” Ryan brushes his fingers down my cheek, and I give him a small smile.
I haven’t had all good days since I returned, but the good definitely outweighs the bad. Today was a good day, filled with laughter and the news that the guys were returning home, but it was also exhausting.
My eyelids flutter when he presses a soft kiss to my forehead.
“Are you sad? Is there something I can do?”
I shake my head. “I’m not sad, promise.”
I don’t know why these moods come over me. For the most part, I’m happy, but then a wave of melancholy slams into my chest, and I can’t pinpoint what causes it.
“Was the sex not good enough?” I roll my eyes. “Just moments ago, you were praising my mouth.”
“It was amazing.” It’s always amazing, and we’re both insatiable most days, unable to keep our hands to ourselves.
“Talk to me, baby. Tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it.” He cups my chin when I try to hide my face. “Please don’t hide from me. Let me help.”
I sigh, not really frustrated at his insistence, but I thought I was fine until he asked if something was wrong.
“Do you ever wake up terrified that everything is going to change? That things are too good right now to be true, like the other shoe is going to drop like an atomic bomb right in the middle of our happiness and ruin everything?”
“Nope.” His answer is swift.
“Really?” My eyes search his face, but I don’t find a single thing that would make me believe he isn’t being truthful.
“I can’t think like that. It’ll drive me mad.” His thumb swirls on my cheek, and I lean in further to his touch. “I mean, I was always worried something bad was going to happen before you came back from Louisiana. Before you left, I would catch myself holding my breath. You were sad every day, but at night I got to hold you and promise that I was there for you, that you were safe with me, and that I would protect you from every bad thing in the world.”
I remember those times fondly now, not for the pain and suffering I was going through when they happened.
“But then we’d get out of bed, and you’d distance yourself from me. Then you took off into the freezing cold and left again after I got back from Venezuela, and both times I thought I was losing you. Both times it felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest, and it didn’t matter that it was too soon and didn’t make sense. I felt a connection to you the moment I looked down at your broken body in Miami, and that link has only grown exponentially each day. It grew while you were gone, even when I didn’t know if I’d ever get you back.”
I press my lips to his, but he isn’t finished.
“That worry, the fear that you’re asking about is what kept me distracted. It made me hate the world and every single evil man in it. I was making it my personal mission to vindicate every woman that had ever been hurt or forced to do what they didn’t want to. I let my anger rule my actions, and it could’ve been so bad. It could’ve ended not only my life but Jinx’s, too, and that’s unforgivable. So no, I don’t think that the rug is going to be pulled out from under us. I don’t let myself imagine scenarios where we aren’t together, because I won’t ever let that happen. If you run, I chase you. It’s that simple. You’re literally a part of me, Mia, and I won’t survive without you. I know that goes against everything I should be saying. I know that obligates me to you, but fuck if it isn’t the truth. There’s something between us that I can’t explain with words, but it’s there, and it’s amazing, and it’s the strongest thing in the world. I won’t give up on that, on us, on you. It’s not in me to walk away from that. It’s not possible.”
Tears burn my eyes, but they aren’t the painful kind. They’re the ones that come from sheer, utter happiness. He’s just said everything I didn’t know I needed to hear. I knew he was going to be the one to put me back together, but I didn’t have a clue that he would be able to so thoroughly. I thought I’d left broken pieces of me scattered all over the grimy floor in that Miami compound, but somehow, he managed to carry every sliver out with me when he carried me away from that hell.
“And you want babies?” I ask, my voice cracking at attempting to lighten the mood.
His smile is vibrant. “And I want babies.”
“You’re absolutely perfect,” I whisper.
“Tell my mother that. She still gives me hell about the trouble I caused as a kid.”
My smile touches his, and the weight of worry slips away like it wasn’t even there to begin with. So long as we’re strong and solid, I’m certain we can take on the world.
He looks content and blissfully happy when he pulls away.
“I went to the mall,” I tell him. “When I went back home, I felt ten feet tall and bulletproof, so I had my dad take me to the mall. He parked close to where I was taken from, and that resiliency that I built up faded the second he turned off the engine. I wasn’t strong enough to get out, not even with him by my side, and it gutted me.”
“Oh, baby,” He presses his lips to my forehead once again, and I allow the comfort, my eyes fluttering closed for a brief moment. “That would be hard for anyone. It doesn’t make you less of a survivor because you weren’t ready to face that demon yet.”
“I went back. Every single day my dad drove me back to the exact same spot. Some days I cried. Some days I grew so angry I thought my dad was going to rush me to the hospital to have me sedated, but every day he took me back. I was finally able to get out of the car. I knew I had to face this on my own, but it comforted me that he was near.”
“What happened?” he whispers.
“I went inside and got the lipstick that I was going after the day I was taken.” Another tear falls. “When I walked back out with my head held high,
I knew I was strong enough to come back for you. I wasn’t completely better, but I was put together enough to know that I didn’t want to live without you either.”
“Baby,” he sighs, dragging me across his chest, and kisses me senseless.
Chapter 37
Scooter
“It’s going to be fine,” Mia assures me as I get dressed for the meeting with Kincaid.
She’s naked, still lying in bed, and damn if it wasn’t difficult to climb out from under the covers.
“And if it isn’t?” I turn to look at her, loving how her eyes rake down the length of my body.
My cock, having a mind of its own and not caring what the future holds so long as it includes Mia Vazquez, begs me to strip naked and get back under the blankets with her.
“We don’t even have to worry about that,” she says absently, her eyes glued to the strip of skin disappearing as I button up my shirt. “Everything is going to be fine. You’ll still be a member of Cerberus when the meeting is over, so worrying about it is pointless.”
“I wish I had your optimism,” I mutter.
Mia had been my sole focus after she came back from Louisiana, but now I’m forced to reevaluate. I have to be able to split my time and my focus between the woman I can see spending the rest of my life with and my job. It won’t be easy, and I know the original members of Cerberus know that, but if they’ve found a way to balance all aspects of their lives, then I can, too.
“Kiss for good luck?” Mia asks, her eyes finally lifting to mine now that I’m fully dressed.
Leaning forward, I press my lips to hers, but I keep it PG, just a simple brush because I know going any deeper would make me late and seeing as how my job is already on the line, I don’t want to give the guys a further reason to hand me my walking papers.
I slip out of the room, closing the door quickly behind me when I see Jinx leaving his room. To say I’m protective over Mia is an understatement.
Jinx and I make small talk as we head into the kitchen and make cups of coffee. He doesn’t seem at all nervous about what’s about to go down, but I know that has more to do with being uninformed than anything else. Kincaid wouldn’t discuss me staying or getting the boot with anyone other than the guys that were included in the brief meeting yesterday. The guys are professional to a fault.
Jinx claps me on the back when I get up from the table to leave, and I take that as his support for wanting me to stay. As I walk to the conference room, I wonder if the guys were asked their opinions about the outcome of today. If I were in Kincaid’s shoes, I would’ve asked everyone how they felt. I need to have these men’s backs and keep their safety in mind. If they can’t trust me to do that, then I’m useless to the team.
I nod at Kincaid and Shadow as I enter the room, but otherwise, keep silent until the other four guys show up. Once the six original members are all in attendance, the conference door closes us in once again.
My palms sweat, but I somehow keep from wiping them down the legs of my jeans.
“Is Mia being here permanent?” Kincaid asks once everyone takes their respective seats at the table.
“She’s permanent in my life,” I tell him, doing my best not to get defensive. I cleared her coming here before we left Miami, but I didn’t consider that the agreement may have an expiration date. “I can find another place for us to stay if it’s a problem.”
I keep the irritation out of my response, but just barely.
“Her being here isn’t a problem. It never was,” Dominic says. “Where’s your head at?”
I take a minute to reflect before answering because I don’t want to seem too hasty, like I’ve walked in here today with a prepared speech that wouldn’t change no matter what I’d been presented with.
“Mia is happy and healthy,” I begin. I know the issues I’ve had have stemmed from her, so keeping her out of this decision is pointless. “Most of her worries are gone, and that calms a lot of issues for me. I’m man enough to speak up from now on if there’s conflict.”
“You’ve been seeing Dr. Alverez?” Shadow asks from behind his computer.
“Twice a week. I’m working on convincing Mia to see her as well.”
“I think that’s a good idea,” Kincaid says as he opens a file on the table. “Dr. Alverez doesn’t see an issue with you returning to work.”
I nod, although I’m surprised. I’ve practically spilled my guts to the good doctor, and I figured she’d think I was legit crazy from confessing all of the things I’ve told her.
“I want you back in the field,” Kincaid says. “All the guys want you back in the field, but we can’t have another incident like what went down in Venezuela. Cerberus is held to a higher standard, and you’ll be expected to meet those standards, or you’re out.”
“I understand.”
Kincaid nods, and just like that, I’m still in and the conversation is over.
The conference room doors swing open, and all the other guys begin filtering in, along with Deacon Black from Blackbridge Security. I keep my head held high as they take their seats. Most of the guys are smiling, but it’s clear they partied into the night last night, and this morning’s meeting is the last thing they were looking forward to. None of them look at me in sympathy, nor do they have contempt in their eyes. Kincaid told me his expectations, and everyone here has absolute faith that I’ll be able to adhere to them.
I do my best to pay attention to the debriefing as they cover what happened in South Africa, but I feel my attention waning already. My thoughts are still back in my room, where Mia is still hopefully naked and waiting for me.
An awkward silence fills the room, dragging me from my thoughts, and I look up from my hands for the first time in a while, noticing a stoic woman standing at the head of the table. Every one of the guys gawks at her, and I was so lost in my own head that I don’t have a clue what’s going on.
“We’re a progressive club,” Kincaid says. “And I have no doubt that each and every one of you will make sure Rivet feels welcome.”
“A woman in the club?” Grinch mumbles beside me. “Never thought I’d see the day.”
I slow blink, unsure of how I should respond. I’m not a sexist man. I spent more than one tour with females in my platoon, but I also know how men are, especially the men of Cerberus who spend their lives saving the fairer sex. We’re wired to save them, protect them, and keep them from harm at all costs. How can these guys focus on the targets when they’re all going to be worried about her welfare?
“Listen,” Rivet says as she takes a step closer, standing more beside Kincaid than behind him. “I know what you’re all thinking. ‘A woman has no place to be in Cerberus.’”
“That is not what I’m thinking right now,” Jinx says with a salacious look in his eyes.
And that’s the other problem with this whole situation. These guys’ adrenaline runs so hard and so hot that fucking anything that’s willing has always been a way to blow off steam. We can be respectful, but this woman is getting right in the crosshairs of a dozen men who are going to, at some point, want to fuck her. Jinx is already there, and it’s not even noon.
Kincaid frowns, his eyes narrowing in on Jinx, but Rivet doesn’t bat an eye.
“I’ve fought in combat, and despite the numerous commendations I’ve received, I’ve worked my ass off to get here. I don’t expect anything to change. I don’t want you assholes watching what you say or toning down your personalities in fear of offending me. I don’t get offended. I can trash talk and tell filthy jokes with the best of them. I’m here to do a job, and if you fuckers give me half a chance, I’ll prove to you that I’ve earned my spot with this organization.”
Shadow coughs to cover a laugh when all of us just continue to stare at her like she’s an anomaly.
Kincaid slaps Rivet on the back. “Now that we’ve got that taken care of, we’ve been asked to help Blackbridge with an assignment. After the help they’ve provided us in Venezuela, I figure it’s
only fair to return the favor.”
Deacon Black nods at Kincaid as he rises from his seat and stands in front of the group.
“It’s not easy standing up here and admitting that I’ve failed, but here I am. This mission is more than a little personal for me, and I thought it was in my best interest to come to you guys for help rather than fucking everything up by letting my emotions control the outcome,” Deacon explains.
I keep my focus on him as he speaks even though I feel like a jackass for not having the balls to take a step back when I needed to the most. It doesn’t feel like a personal affront. Black isn’t here to jab at my own shortcomings, but that knowledge doesn’t make it sting any less.
“Who are we looking for?” Grinch asks.
A picture flashes on the screen, a blonde with bright blue eyes stares back at us.
“My ex-wife.”
Chapter 38
Mia
He gets to stay, which means I get to stay. Right here in the clubhouse where I’m comfortable.
I’m tucked into Ryan’s side as he talks with his guys. They partied until the early morning hours when they got home yesterday, and tonight they seem to be doing the same thing. Ryan told me earlier that this is what the clubhouse is like when they get home, and that they were respectful of my being here before.
I smile as I look around the room. There are more than just the Cerberus guys here tonight, and that keeps me close to his side. I’ve learned to trust these men, but the newcomers cause me concern.
The music is loud, and the drinks are flowing, and for the most part, everyone is just talking, dancing and having a good time. Women in clothes too small for the winter weather outside walk around and chat with all the guys, and I haven’t missed the one blond in the corner staring daggers in our direction, but I don’t pay her any mind. I’m not certain, but if I had to guess, I imagine that’s Kirsty. She doesn’t seem happy that I have Ryan’s undivided attention, but at least she hasn’t come over and tried to start trouble.