"I know, Ludren. But do you really think we can hide this? Every Psion on Aledus must have sensed his pain to some degree."
"They couldn't know who or where so quickly as you, Chelle. What is one more unsolved attack? It was only another . . . minder. Who will care--except us?" Ludren said unevenly.
"You will get treatment for Natar?"
"I swear it," Ludren promised.
"Blast," she sighed in defeat. "I don't know who I could get to treat him, anyway since he was exiled. But I don't know if I can reach him either." She began to tremble and her eyes filled. "She meant to kill me, you know."
"Dear Goddess!" Trevin murmured.
"I know, Chelle." Ludren nodded. "Her conditioning made her more unstable than any of us realized. I love you both, Chelle, and I am deeply sorry for what she has done to you and Hankura, but I love her, too."
It's that damned conditioning. Chelle remembered Hankura's bitter rejoinder as she saw Natar's pathetic state. If she summoned a psychiatrist, Natar would be reported and reconditioned. She would never be healed.
"Take her to Velran," Chelle decided.
"But she's claustrophobic," Ludren objected. "She could never stand being confined in the small quarters of a spacecraft. That was why we couldn't take Hankura to Belderon. Taking her into space now would only make her worse."
"Then put her in stasis. You have to take her there. Only the Wholaskans can help her now." Chelle said. "I think in time, Hankura will recover. I healed the brain damage. Now he needs time. I wish Casir could be here. Hankura will need him."
From somewhere in the blackness, a gentle caress beckoned Hankura, probing deep within his mind. He felt its lure, yet he hesitated to leave the safety of his oblivion. Nothing hurt him in the blackness; nothing mattered. But he was being shaken through the blackness by some physical attacker, and there was nothing to hold on to. He groped blindly, thrashing and reaching for something solid to steady him.
"Ow! OW! Hankura, let go of my hair!" A lilting, familiar voice echoed in the blackness, and he his fingers were being torn from their hold. He clung even more desperately. Someone slapped one cheek and then another.
"Please, let go of my hair." Chelle lowered her hand as she saw him open his eyes, his expression bewildered. "You're pulling out my hair, Hankura. It hurts."
Hankura stared at her for a moment, then at his hands that were tangled in her long, thick hair. He studied her face as she looked down at him. Now he understood the familiar beckoning. "Chelle, why did you hit me?" That he didn't understand.
"I'm sorry, love. I was just trying to get you to let go of my hair. You did this." She held up a handful he had pulled out.
He blinked as he understood, and his eyes moved to the fresh bruise on her cheek. "Did I do that?"
She covered the bruise with her hand and grinned wryly. "Got me down with one punch, and you weren't even awake to enjoy it," she quipped and stretched out on their bed beside him. "It'll heal quickly. I'm okay. How about you?"
"Me?" He was confused. The whole scene had an air of unreality to it, and Hankura wasn't quite sure it wasn't a dream. But her touch was real enough as she put her arm across his chest and leaned down to kiss his cheek.
"Mother, my head wants to explode. What a nightmare!" he groaned. Carava never did that to him before . . ..
"Poor darling," Chelle murmured, stroking his cheek tenderly. "I'll get you a med-dot for it." She started to get up.
He reached out and grabbed her, digging his fingers into her upper arms. "Don't leave me. Please don't go."
"No, honey. Of course, I'm not leaving. I'm just going to get you a med-dot from the drawer over there with the other meds. You know where we keep them. I won't leave the room, I promise."
His gaze followed her as she moved off the bed and crossed the room. He didn't dare move his head though; he knew any movement would increase the pain. Why did it hurt so? What was this unknown terror that lingered just beyond the reach of his consciousness, eluding his attempts to remember? Why did he feel so alone when Chelle was just a couple meters from his side? Why couldn't he seem to think straight?
Hankura frowned, trying to remember. It was such a simple thing, yet he could hardly think straight. What the hell was going on? Why did he feel so vulnerable all of the sudden? This was his bed, in his home and his wife who he held at arm's length. She was looking at him as if he had suddenly taken leave of his senses. What was wrong with her? She almost looked . . . afraid. But why?
"Hank, please! You're hurting me," she gasped shakily.
"I'm sorry. I didn't realize." Gradually, he made his fingers loosen their grip on her, leaving imprints that were quickly turning to bruises.
Momentarily, she returned, peeling a med-dot that she pressed to his wrist.
"Chelle, what's the matter with me? How long have I been like this?"
"You've been in shock for about fifteen days from a psi attack. You regained consciousness once. Don't you remember?" She looked tense and worried as she explained.
"No--I don't remember." He pondered her answer. "Mother did this, didn't she?"
Chelle nodded, evading his eyes.
What was she thinking? Mother of Life! He didn't know. He didn't feel the psi bond anymore. That's what made him feel so alone. He grimaced.
"What is it, love?" Chelle's eyes reflected concern, but he couldn't feel it.
"Our psi-link is broken. I can't feel it. I can't even reach into your mind to feel your thoughts. Chelle, why have you left me alone inside like this? What are you hiding from me? Is it Trevin?"
"No, Hankura! It wasn't like that. He was here, but not like that. I wouldn't let it be like that." Her eyes filled with tears. "He only helped me take care of you and let me cry on his shoulder. I am pledged to you. Don't ever say that again. Trevin is my friend, and he was here when I needed him."
"And I wasn't?"
"You were in shock, unconscious--except for that one brief period. I don't have to tell you what kind of care you needed." He half heard her words as he saw her shudder and choke back a sob, wiping the tears from her face. She looked tense and uneasy as she sat down on the edge of the bed beside him--if only he could read her.
"I'm sorry," he murmured. "It must have been hard for you. It's just that I know how he feels about you---at least I did. I can't feel much of anything now."
"You will, Hankura. Give it time. It's like what happened to me after the psi evaluation when we first came here. Only what happened to you was much worse. In a way, it's like waiting for your ears to stop ringing after an explosion."
"But I can't feel the psi-link!" He searched her face anxiously.
"It's there, darling. I can feel it. You're still blocking it all out." Her tension seemed to ease, and she smiled reassuringly, resting a hand on his shoulder.
He reached for her suddenly, needing to feel her soft warmth close to him so he could ward off the inner emptiness he was feeling. Chelle's eyes widened, and she flinched as he put his hands on her, but she didn't pull away when he pulled her close.
"You are afraid of me," he realized aloud. "Why? What have I done?"
"Nothing. It's all right, Hank," she quickly assured him. "You--uh . . .. You were violent the last time you woke up, and . . . uh, we tangled."
"Did I hurt you?"
"Yeah, well, you might say that---but I'm all right now," she said softly against his chest, and she began to relax as he stroked her silky hair absently.
"Are you still afraid of me?" He couldn't tell for sure.
"No. You seem much better now. Do you feel like having something to eat? You've been sustained on Nutri dots for quite a while---longer than you should."
"Maybe later. I'm not really hungry." He pulled her a little closer. "Right now, I just want to hold you and feel you close to me."
"I'm here, darling. It's going to be all right," she murmured and brushed his lips with hers. "Believe me."
Mother of Life, he wanted to! But the gnawing
emptiness still cut deeply. He had a lump in his throat, and a misty haze covered his eyes. He could see the tenderness in her eyes, yet he couldn't feel it reaching inside him to warm his soul.
He still felt alone and half numb inside--like he would never be whole again . . ..
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Hankura wandered into the bathroom. Chelle stepped out of the bath with her hair damp and tangled. He paused to admire her body, recalling the hours he had spent exploring those supple curves. Just looking at her made him want her all over again. He shrugged off his desire and plucked her wrap from the hook behind him, holding it for her to slip on.
Outwardly, they had gone on living together as they had for the last two and a half years. Chelle tried in every way she knew to support and encourage him to work at regaining the use of his psi. But when they made love, it left him cold because he couldn't share her sensations and feel her love. His body responded, but he felt lost inside.
He guessed it must be like that for Normals. Hankura felt sorry for them . . . And himself. He loved her, and he couldn't touch her mind with that love. Because he couldn't use his telepathy, he couldn't feel her love filling his mind as before--
---And every once in a while, in the past week, Hankura still suspected she was afraid of him---or at least uncertain.
Hankura shook his head and pressed his lips into a grim, taut line, resting his hands on Chelle's shoulders for a moment before she turned to bestow an impulsive kiss on the side of his mouth.
"I went to see Father, but no one is at the main dome." He sighed. "Do you know where they've gone?"
"Yes." Chelle looked down at the belt of her wrap as she tied it. "I didn't know whether to tell you yet. They've gone," she said as gently as possible. "Natar had a complete mental breakdown after she attacked you---it wasn't your fault," she added quickly, seeing the pain in his eyes. "You know her emotional state was fragile from her conditioning. I suppose that's why you came back in the first place. You hoped your being here would help her.
"But you couldn't help her. You were an obsession, and I think you were beginning to realize her feelings weren't normal or healthy . . .."
"Where did my parents go?" he demanded, grasping her shoulders tightly.
Her eyes widened, and she gasped. "Th-they went . . . to . . . to Velran---" she stammered and started to pull away from him. "Hank, please . . ."
He let her go abruptly, dismayed by the way she was looking at him. "I'm sorry, Chelle . . .. You are still afraid of me."
"A little, when you're like that. Usually, you control your anger, except---" She paused, and she wouldn't go on.
For a long time, Hankura just looked down at her face. A vision flashed in his mind. Her face wet with tears and her eyes filled with pain. He remembered the blind anger that took control of him. Angry words, and then he had hit her---so hard that she fell. Hankura blinked, shaking his head and pushed back the memory. Mother of Life, how could he have done that?
Gently, he brought his hand up and cupped it against her smooth cheek---the one he'd struck in the vision. "I'm not going to hurt you again. I swear it." Gently he wrapped his arms around her and drew her against him. "Why were you crying--before?"
She trembled against him, and she didn't answer right away.
"When I tried to explain what Natar had done to you---the first time you came to---you got angry and accused me of lying. You said terrible things to me, but they were Natar's words. I tried to get away, but you attacked me."
"Goddess!" he murmured and hugged her gently. "I'm sorry, I don't remember much of it."
"I know," Chelle said softly. "I should have waited to tell you. You weren't ready to accept it, yet. A psychiatrist might have helped, but your father asked me not to call one. They would have destroyed Natar at the Psi Institute."
"You did the right thing, not getting a psychiatrist. They will help Mother on Velran. She hated you so much without reason. She was going to kill you. I couldn't let her."
"I know." Chelle trembled against him, then said, "She was so lost and heartbroken. She didn't even know who I was anymore. Part of the time she thought she had killed you. Ludren could do nothing to console her. We kept her sedated and put her in stasis to board the shuttle."
He nodded and slowly released her so she could dress and style her hair. In the meantime, he wandered into the lounge to summon an autocart for some jern. The vid com bleeped, and he went into the comcell to take the call.
"Hello, Trevin," Hankura said stiffly when his brother's image filled the screen. "What do you want?"
"Well---" Trevin raised an eyebrow at his brother's cool manner. Guilt kept him from commenting on Hankura's changed attitude. "I'd like to see Chelle for a moment if you don't mind."
"She just got out of her bath, and she's dressing. Is there a message I can give her? Or should she com you back?"
"No. I'd like to see her now." Trevin persisted.
Hankura gave his brother a dark look. "All right. I'll see if she'll come. Will you wait?"
"Yeah."
Chelle was fastening up the front of her tunic when Hankura came into the bedchamber to relay Trevin's message. He tried to hide his suspicions, but he could see by the look on her face that he hadn't managed well.
He paced the lounge while she went into the comcell, pausing from time to time to listen to what was said.
"Hello, Trevin," Chelle said patiently.
"Are you all right?" Trevin sounded more than a little relieved. "I was worried that maybe I should have stayed; but after that night I knew I couldn't. Floria's glad to have me here, anyway. She says she loves me."
"I'm happy for you, Trevin," she told him honestly.
"Me, too. How's Hankura?"
"Much better."
"Does he know what happened? I don't mean when I kissed you." Trevin asked, looking ashamed.
"Not yet, Trev. I think it's too soon. Besides, it's over. Just forget the incident. Next time, let me com you back. You'll make Hankura think we've been lovers--until he recovers his psi. Things are hard enough."
"I'm sorry. I was worried about you. I don't want to see you hurt again. When I found you like that . . .. Mother of Life, Chelle, he could have . . .."
"Trevin! He's all right now," she asserted. "He just hasn't recovered his psi. That's all."
"Okay. Com, if you need me."
Chelle nodded and watched the screen go dark. Hankura looked up when she came into the lounge to join him.
"What happened with Trevin?" Hankura demanded, unable to stop himself. "Did he ask you to share his bed again?"
"Something like that." Chelle evaded. "If you must know, he tried to make love to me when I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I needed you--I wanted you. I couldn't use him like that. I asked him to leave--so he did."
"He's still in love with you."
"Well, I can't change that. I love you. We are pledged. I can't help what he feels. Maybe he will get over it when we've gone to Belderon."
"You still want to go?"
"Whenever you feel ready. We still have two months before we leave on the Searching Star." She moved to his side and rested her hand on his arm. "But there is one thing I must tell you. We have missed Casir. You were still in shock when he had to leave. I'm sorry."
Hankura swore bitterly. "I wanted to see him so badly. I was counting on it."
"I know. Casir was just as disappointed. He couldn't wait for you. They needed him in Uloi. He even tried to get clearance to come here again when I explained what happened. Jana and Delara sent their love. Casir will com from Uloi."
Hankura shrugged sullenly and turned from her, pacing toward the window. He found no comfort in her touch. He needed more. He clenched his fists in frustration as he stared out the window. He wanted to break something. This emotional isolation was more frustrating than anything he had ever known. It was even worse than being in jail.
Glancing at Chelle, he sighed. He knew she was hiding something from
him that had nothing to do with Trevin. It was something far more ominous. If only he could reach into her mind and know what it was. He studied her closely, frowning in puzzlement. Whatever it was made her afraid of him; his own wife . . .afraid of him. His mouth curved sadly at the thought.
In the next fifteen days, Hankura's power of telepathy came back gradually and completely. But nothing became any clearer about what Chelle was hiding. If she would just trust him enough to share it...
The feeling grew steadily stronger. An ugly, evil thing stood between them. . What was love without trust?
Then, the nightmare came, insidiously at first, waking him deep in the night with its unfathomable terror. But, when he awoke, the memory stayed just beyond the rim of his grasp.
Somehow, Hankura knew that the answer he sought lay within the nightmare. He was afraid that when he finally came to face himself, he wouldn't like what he would see. But, he knew he would never feel whole again until he saw the truth--maybe not even then.
The air was cool, and it was still dark when Hankura came out of the dome alone. He walked aimlessly toward the vast yarrel fields, pausing to gaze up at the stars in the clear, early morning sky. Then, he walked on.
Each step nearer to the yarrel, its pungent aroma grew stronger. Hankura stopped again when he ran head on into the slender stalks that he hadn't seen in the dark, and some of the flowers brushed his face. He reached up and plucked one of them with a length of stem attached.
The nightmare had wakened him again from a sound sleep. Trembling in the aftermath, he drew a shuddering breath and went on walking.
In front of the empty main dome, he stopped and gazed sadly at the shadowy structure. His mother and father had gone without his knowing--without even a chance for him to say 'good-bye'. He still wondered how much of the blame for their having to go fell on his shoulders. Maybe none; he didn't know.
Hankura came to the edge of the pond and looked out over the clear black water, shimmering ever so slightly in the starlight. He lowered himself to the damp moss at the water's edge and crossed his legs, staring toward the horizon, watching for the familiar blue haze to creep into the sky with the rising sun.
The Aledan PSION: The Aledan Series Book 1 Page 22