Chaos (Constellation Book 2)

by Jennifer Locklear

“Yeah. I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “What time is it?”

  “Almost eight o’clock. Where are you?”

  “I’m with Kathleen, but it’s not what you’re thinking.”

  “What is it, then?” Allison’s voice was playful. Her teasing surprised and disarmed me.

  “We were talking this afternoon, and we’re both just worn out. We’ve been sleeping for hours. She’s still asleep. I’ll wake her up and come home soon.”

  “Things are fine here. Don’t stress it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s good that you’re both talking. You should stay. Please don’t rush out of some misplaced obligation to me.” I detected no sarcasm in Allison’s voice. She was speaking with sincerity.

  “What about Heide?” I asked, amazed.

  “She’s fine. We’re having a girls’ night.”

  I sat down on the arm of Kathleen’s sofa. “I don’t understand.”

  “What don’t you understand?”

  I ran a hand through my mussed hair and glanced in the direction of the spare bedroom. “You’re both being so good me. Why?”

  “What happened today?”

  “I told her everything, Allison. She knows what I did to you.”

  “That sounds like progress to me. Good for you.”

  “How can you be so nice to me when I did such a horrible thing? I was an awful husband.”

  “No one here is awful, Jack. We got in over our heads. We did the best we could.”

  “I’m sorry I couldn’t do better.”

  “You were there for me when I went back to Maryland. You never blamed me for leaving. You never belittled me or made me feel guilty for not coming back.”

  “I care about you. I always I will.”

  Allison ignored my declaration and charged forward. “Do you want my advice? If Kathleen knows everything and still has this big decision looming in front of her, then wait. Stay there until she’s ready for you to go. Don’t storm off and don’t slink away. Help her make the right choice.”

  “I don’t want her to leave.” My voice cracked as I vocalized my fear.

  “Then tell her that.”

  “Would you have stayed if I’d asked you to?”

  “No.”

  I couldn’t help but chuckle at her swift answer. “Why not?”

  “Because I know you, and I know when you don’t believe what you’re saying.”

  “I would have stayed with you.”

  “I know that, too. But you would have fallen in love with Kathleen anyway.”

  I couldn’t confirm her hypothesis any more than I could deny it.

  “What you need to realize, Jack, is that she never would have fallen in love with you if I’d stayed.”

  “You’re right about that.”

  “No matter what happens, support her the way you supported me.”

  Once again, I couldn’t respond. I was a million times more frightened of losing Kathleen than I ever was of losing Allison. I couldn’t tell Allison that, and I was terrified of what Kathleen’s departure would do to me.

  “Life is unpredictable,” she went on, unfazed. “We found that out when we got pregnant. We were reminded of that when Heide almost died. Some marriages work. Some don’t. Ours didn’t, and that’s okay because I think we’re better friends for it.”

  “We have Heide,” I said. “And I’ll always cherish you for bringing her into this world.”

  “Thank you. And thanks for checking in with me. I’ll see you sometime tomorrow?”

  “Yes. Kiss Heide good night for me?”

  “I will. Good night, Jack.”

  “Good night.”

  I disconnected from the call and let my phone drop into my lap. I stayed on the sofa, thinking about the surreal turn my life had taken over the course of a single day. I’d left home that morning thinking Kathleen was still in Denver and wondering if I would ever figure out a way to win her back. By afternoon, Kathleen had welcomed me back into her arms, and I’d told her everything I’d been holding back since the day we first met.

  Did I dare hope that the worst was now behind us?

  “Jack?” Kathleen called my name from the guest bedroom. Her voice was strong, but frightened.

  I moved quickly, standing back up and taking long strides across the living room.

  “I’m here,” I called, just as she stepped into the hallway, still clad in her underwear.

  She flinched at the volume of my raised voice, and her hand covered her heart. “You scared me.”

  Her choice of words was poignant. I’d managed to trigger her fear twice within a matter of seconds.

  “I didn’t leave you,” I replied in a measured and contrite manner.

  We stared at one another and endured a prolonged silence as the implication of my statement settled upon us. Although I was an expert at it, Kathleen was the first to change the subject.

  “How long did we sleep?” She dropped her head and raked a hand through her long hair, avoiding eye contact.

  “All afternoon.”

  “Are you sure? I should feel more rested.”

  “You do look tired,” I agreed.

  “I want to go back to bed,” she confessed.

  “Do you want me to go home?”

  Kathleen lifted her eyes to mine and we exchanged another look of significance.

  “I want you to stay,” she said. “But I guess you need to go.”

  “Only if you need me to go. Otherwise, I want to stay.”

  Kathleen absorbed my offer with a fair dose of confusion. “Heide needs you more than I do.”

  “Heide is fine.” I lifted a hand and showed Kathleen my cell phone. “I spoke to Allison. They’re having all kinds of fun without me.”

  Kathleen kept her thoughts to herself, but the nervous state of her posture shifted into a more relaxed stance.

  “I’d like you to eat some dinner,” I said.

  A grin, albeit a shy one, appeared. “I don’t have anything here.”

  “You look too tired to go out.”

  “I am.”

  “I’ll go to the store and get us something for tonight.”

  “Something for breakfast, too?” Kathleen’s timidity was in stark contrast to the boldness of her statement.

  I smiled and approached the greatest love of my life. I caressed her face with rapt attention, my smile fading away as I lost myself in the soft touch of her cheek. Soon, my fingers descended to brush against the strap of her bra. I watched her expression as my cautious fingers slipped underneath the thin line of silk. She didn’t object in the slightest when I tugged the material down and away from her shoulder. I lowered my lips to her bare skin and allowed my experimental kisses to linger on her body. She didn’t push me away.

  After a summer of uncertainty, my confidence where she was concerned was strengthening. I wrapped my arms around her slender back and unclasped the bra. Then I retreated a step as she allowed her lingerie to fall to the floor. I couldn’t help myself. Overwhelmed by the heady mixture of the uncertainty of our future along with the certainty I had regained her trust, at least for this incredible moment, I fell to my knees in front of her and pulled her close in a tight embrace.

  Kathleen reciprocated my hug. I trembled inside her arms as she leaned down and rested her cheek on top of my head. We held one another, both weary and emotional. Neither of us spoke, yet we understood one another. Minutes ticked by as I experienced the first peace of mind I’d had in months. We stayed this way for some time and I cherished every single heartbeat of it.

  When my soul was fully nourished, I brought myself back to my feet.

  Kathleen’s posture remained unchanged. Her arms grasped onto mine after I rose from the floor. She kept her eyes lowered. And it was then that an epiphany struck me. Kathleen had known precious little about emotional security. She’d been denied something fundamental since childhood. I wanted Kathleen to feel every bit of happiness I was feeling right then, but now I un
derstood something essential. Her peace of mind would take years, decades, perhaps the rest of her life to restore.

  I processed this realization as I studied her exhausted body. I wrapped an arm around her waist and guided her down the hallway toward her own bedroom. She didn’t fight me. She complied. We paused at the side of the bed and held on to one another as I pulled back the sheets with my free hand. I moved her to lie down on her back and she lifted her hips in complete submission as I removed her panties. I stared at her naked body without shame while I dropped her underwear to the floor. Then, I pulled the flat sheet up over her torso until it covered her breasts.

  “Get some more sleep.” I ran a finger through a stray lock of her long, blond hair. “Dinner will be ready in a little while.”

  Kathleen rolled onto her side, facing me. “Thank you,” she mumbled as her eyes drifted closed.

  Her slow, rhythmic breathing set in just as I closed the bedroom door behind me.

  I WANDERED through the grocery store longer than usual, searching for inspirational ingredients. I wanted to make the perfect meal for Kathleen, one that would give her nourishment and comfort. After perusing the aisles and rejecting one idea after another, I settled on a “less is more” philosophy.

  I made my purchase and returned to Kathleen’s condo without delay. I entered her home as quietly as possible and was relieved she hadn’t woken from her nap. I took the groceries to the kitchen and cut up vegetables for a homemade chicken noodle soup. Once everything was simmering, I switched on the natural gas fireplace in her living room before preparing grilled cheese sandwiches.

  When our meal was ready, I plated her food and set it on the kitchen counter. She woke and sat up in bed when I opened the door to her room. Without speaking a word, I offered her a bathrobe and led her by the hand to the love seat nestled close to the fireplace. Once she was settled, I returned to the kitchen to fetch our meals. Together, we sat on the small couch and focused on the coziness provided by the heat of the fire and the warmth of the food. There was no conversation. It had been a long day for us both.

  Afterward, I took away the dishes and she returned to her rest. I cleaned the kitchen slowly, even though I was brimming with impatience. We’d been apart for long enough. I needed to hold her in my arms, but I wanted her to have a few minutes more to herself. I’d revealed everything to her, and she hadn’t thrown me out of her life. At least not yet. Perhaps, she only allowed me to stay in her condo because she was too exhausted to send me away.

  Much had been revealed, but little had been resolved. With this understanding in mind, I went back to Kathleen’s room. She had discarded her bathrobe on the floor next to the bed. Following her lead, I removed my clothes as she watched from the center of the mattress. I turned off the bedroom lights and settled myself underneath the sheets. I pulled Kathleen to my chest with little effort. It was late, past our usual bedtime, and I was elated to hold her in my arms until morning.

  I peered at the ceiling when I spoke my next words. “Just before that golf game with Robert, we talked about my father. Do you remember that?”

  “Yes.”

  “You told me I was a great man like him.” I shook my head. “You were wrong, but I wasn’t brave enough to tell you so.”

  “I said you were a great man because you’re a wonderful father. Don’t underestimate how vital that is.”

  I contemplated her words, sliding my fingers up and down the upper part of her arm. “I don’t feel great. I’d be a better father if I knew how to be a good partner. The day we made love on your sofa, I promised I would give you anything you asked of me. Instead, I broke your trust with my behavior.”

  She squeezed my torso. “I don’t trust others easily. Or well. I’m trying, Jack.”

  I kissed her forehead and tightened my hold on her as I recalled Robert’s words of advice: “Maybe Kathleen doesn’t know how to keep the vault door from locking any more than we do. Maybe putting some distance between the two of you keeps the door open.”

  “You are trying,” I said, hoping my words would reassure her. “I’ve never met anyone like you. When you told me about what you’d been through with your parents, it made me fall more in love with you. You’re so brave. So strong.”

  “You’re not the first person to say that about me, but you’re the first person who may actually convince me of it,” she said.

  Within the dark confines of our surroundings, I grinned. Broadly.

  “Heide is the strongest one though,” she added. “How is she? I miss her.”

  “She misses you. We talked about you a couple of days ago. She’d like to see you.”

  “Yeah?” She raised her head from my chest and rested her chin on her hand. She looked at my face.

  I reached out and twirled a strand of her hair between my fingers. “She asked if you were still my girlfriend.”

  “What did you tell her?”

  “I wanted to say absolutely, of course she is,” I admitted. “But I also wanted to be honest with her. I told her we were trying to figure that out.”

  She shrugged. “That’s fair.”

  I dropped Kathleen’s hair to place a comforting hand on her shoulder. “I didn’t share that because I’m trying to get a commitment out of you. I don’t need you to answer the girlfriend question until you’re ready. I’m not going to put that kind of pressure on you.”

  Her shoulder relaxed. “Thank you. If it makes you feel better, I don’t cuddle naked with my other friends.”

  I’d never heard more hopeful words from her. “Just me?” I pressed her with an egotistical grin.

  She nodded and set her head down on my chest. “I’m ready to sleep again. Is that all right?”

  “Only if I can join you.”

  “Yes. Please.”

  The following morning, I woke up early. As was my custom, I left her to sleep just a bit longer. I showered in her master bathroom before putting on yesterday’s clothes. I gathered what few things of mine were scattered around her condo and then returned to her bedroom. When she stirred awake, I made sure I was sitting next to her on the mattress, stroking her hair.

  “I have to go home and change.” She’d never understand how sorry I was to leave her side.

  “Don’t want to show up in yesterday’s suit?” she teased.

  She stretched and smiled and I laughed. She lifted herself up onto one elbow, closing the distance between our bodies. Her eyes drifted away from mine. She opened her mouth to say something, then closed it. She’d changed her mind. Or lost her courage. The mood shifted between us. She appeared sad, and I resolved never to see her that way again. I bent down, kissing her forehead, and then her lips, cupping her cheek with a steady hand.

  When her anxious green eyes met my steady brown ones, I said, “I love you.” I then whispered, “No matter what.”

  “I love you, too,” she said. “No matter what.”

  “You need to speak to Robert first.”

  She stared at me with an uncertain look.

  “Get ready for work. Go to the office, and talk to your father,” I reiterated. “Tell him what needs to be said. Then come and talk to me.”

  Her expression morphed from nervous to determined. She nodded, so I stood up and left her condo.

  THE SUN hadn’t risen quite yet, but ebony darkness had given way to predawn light. There was a scratching at my bedroom door, and I realized it was Kitty Hawk trying to find a way into the room. She was accustomed to sleeping in the master bedroom and roaming between my office and my bed during the night time. Worried that the cat’s neurotic actions would rouse Heide from her own sleep, I pushed back the covers. I stood up from the bed and put on a pair of boxer briefs.

  I opened the bedroom door quietly and the cat wandered in. She offered a few chastising meows before pausing in the middle of the floor. The cat stared up at the bed where someone had taken up residence.

  I rolled my eyes and decided to check on Heide while Kitty Hawk worked out her
own issues. I found my daughter sound asleep and smiled at her before returning to my room and closing the door. The cat was now lying at the foot of the bed, although not in her usual spot. Her ears were flat and her posture was tense. I scratched under her chin, hoping to lull her into a better mood. As I finished, I swept my gaze up the mattress.

  Kathleen had pushed the covers aside, her naked body radiant in the emerging light. I was transfixed and nervous she’d leave my bed soon, never to return. I wanted to remember her forever and began taking a mental inventory of her body.

  Beyond her appearance, I wanted to remember every emotion of our night together. Every whisper. Every moan. Every caress and kiss and thrust that gave her pure pleasure and emboldened her to encourage me further. I wanted to remember every time she said yes or spoke my name with desire.

  Daunted by the mental task of preserving the details of our first time together, I sighed and pulled my gaze away from her long enough to spot my tablet resting on my bedside table.

  Everything I yearned to remember about the magical night could be recorded there. And I could return to my memories any time I needed to. I’d worked in advertising long enough to know how to hone my creativity, but I’d never tried to write anything so detailed, so essential and so personal.

  It was going to take some time.

  I went back to my side of the bed and climbed back in with care. My worries were for nothing, however. Kathleen was sound asleep and unaware of her surroundings. I adjusted my pillows, leaning back against them and pulling the covers back up to my waist before reaching for the tablet. Recording my memories any other way meant I would have to turn on my bedside lamp or leave the bed to write in my office. With the tablet, I wouldn’t have to leave Kathleen’s side, and I was certain I was doing what I should be in that moment. I could study her with leisure and allow myself time to come up with the perfect words that would freeze this moment in time forever. It was the type of exercise I had always wanted to take advantage of, but never did. Until experiencing Kathleen’s delicious kiss for the first time.

  I wasn’t a young man. I’d slept with other women. I’d been another woman’s husband, but I’d never been so determined to hold on to anyone like I wanted to hold on to Kathleen Brighton. I didn’t quite understand the fascination, but I adored her. My life had been in chaos for years. One exquisite night with her had changed everything. In her loving arms, I felt her want wrap around me. In her embrace, my worries evaporated.