I tilt my head to the side in mock interest and clench my hands into fists when my anger starts turning into rage.
“Hi, stranger...” I seethe with a forced smile.
A flash of sadness passes through his eyes. “Alexan—“
“Don’t!” I hold my hand up like a petulant child.
I look into his eyes in search of something—anything that will tell me why he did this, but I come up empty.
“How’ve you been, Jason? Good? That’s great. You wanna know how I’ve been?” I ask sarcastically.
I get as close to his face as possible which means I have to be on my tiptoes. “Fucking great after having some fucking asshole stand me up for no fucking reason. Then it got even better when that said asshole fled school without so much as a ‘see ya later, Bitch, nice fucking you. Thanks for your virtue.’”
I see him flinch at my words as they come out of my mouth.
Still looking in his eyes I see him start to get angry but I don’t care—this time, I’m going to stand my ground.
His mouth becomes a thin line as he grabs my right wrist roughly and starts to drag me to the exit of the bar. Dammit! Everyone’s dragging me everywhere tonight! Fuckers!
“Let me fucking go, Jason!” I admonish while twisting my wrist away but his hold only gets tighter. Well that’s gonna leave a mark, that’s for sure.
He struggles to get through the crowd of people in front of him but he manages to get out the door.
He pulls me into an alleyway that’s between the bar and the Erbert & Gerbert’s sub shop.
He comes to a stop halfway in and suddenly pulls me close to his chest. His eyes don’t blink as he stares down at me.
Faintly, Coldplay’s ‘Fix You’ starts playing inside the bar—a lot of Coldplay tonight. I didn’t know that band was that into playing love songs. I mentally shrug.
“Is that what you think?!”
Jason’s scream brings me back to reality so I pull my face back to look up at him.
“That’s what you did. So it’s what I know,” I scold, refreshing his memory.
His eyes go wide and dark with rage, “You think I just fucking used you and then left because I didn’t give a fuck about you?!”
“YES! Isn’t that what happened, Jason? Isn’t that what you did to me? Or have these few months erased your memory?!” I yell as I punch his left shoulder with my left hand.
He takes my remaining hand in his to keep me from hitting him.
His face inches closer to mine, “I NEVER fucking used you! You were the only thing keeping me sane in this fucking place. I had to leave, I had no choice!!”
I wince at the hurt I hear in his voice so I soften a little bit because maybe that was too much.
“What do you mean you didn’t have a choice? You could have told me, Jason,” I say defeated.
I feel tears springing to my eyes again but I will them away. I can’t allow myself to shed any more tears for him.
“You could have opened up to me, told me what was going on with you, or the least you could have done was say…goodbye. I think you owed me that much…I gave you everything--” I whisper as tears stream down my face against my will.
All the pain I’ve been through because of him comes back full force now and it’s impossible for me to stop the dam from bursting.
“I couldn’t say goodbye, Alexandra, not to you. I had to make a decision and when I did, there was no turning back for me,” he says sadly.
He let’s go of my right hand and reaches up to gently wipe my tears away with his thumb.
I close my eyes at the feel of his hand on me. His touch reminds me of how much I’ve missed him--everything about him.
I lean into his hand to enjoy the feel of him at least for right now.
“Why did you leave?” I whisper, still trying to figure out what he’s not telling me.
“It’s complicated…” He says looking away from me.
In an instant, that comment has me seeing red again. Breaking the spell he just had me under.
I push off of him and twist my left hand to get out of his grip. I’m successful this time.
I take a step back from him. “It’s complicated??!! I’ll tell you what’s complicated. Complicated is making the decision to tell the person you love that you want to be with them no matter what their problems are and not being able to because that person disappears into thin air!! That’s fucking complicated. So don’t give me that bullshit, Jason! Don’t! Be a fucking man and tell me the truth, you owe me at least that if nothing else. I spent the last four months thinking about you and longing for you…”I stop to take a shaky breath.
I feel myself start to full on cry now but it doesn’t stop me from continuing to let him know how much he hurt me.
“I tried so hard to forget you and I had finally told myself that you obviously didn’t want to be with me so I should try to move on with my life and now here you are, acting as if you didn’t break my heart into a million pieces. I don’t know what hurts more…you leaving or you being here now and opening up a wound I have been trying to close for months. God, Jason, did you really not want to be with me that much?” I finish just barely above a whisper.
I don’t know if he can clearly hear me because of all the sobbing but I see pain and shame flash through his eyes so I know that what I said affected him.
He reaches for me but I take another step back.
I shake my head back and forth because I know all my will power will disappear if he touches me again. I know that I will give into him knowing that I shouldn’t because of everything he’s put me through.
He lowers his eyes to look down. “You can’t love me, Alexandra,” he whispers just loud enough for me to hear.
I push him hard on the chest taking him by surprise so he stumbles back and hits the wall behind him.
I walk to him and poke my finger directly on his chest where his heart should be.
“I do Jason! I have since the night I first met you. I don’t know how or why but I love you more now than I did before, if that’s even possible. I know I shouldn’t because of everything you’ve put me through, but I do. I never thought I would be able to because of my fucked up life but you made me fall in love with you.”
I take a break and think carefully about my next words because I need him to know how much everything that we had together meant to me. That way, he’ll be able to realize how much he hurt me…even if all he does is just feel bad about it.
“Every moment, every touch, every kiss, made my love for you stronger. I thought you felt the same. I came to accept the fact that I was wrong but that doesn’t change the fact that I do and always will. I gave you everything I had, Jason. I was going to tell you that night how I felt but you disappeared and left without caring about how I would feel, without caring about how you would break my heart doing it…you just didn’t care enough to let me down easy so you just ran...” I manage to say as tears run relentlessly down my face.
He closes his like he’s in pain. “Please, don’t do this, Alexandra, please…I never meant to hurt you—that’s the one thing that I never wanted to do,” he pleads with me softly.
Looking ten years older and defeated, he starts rubbing his head back and forth.
Feeling like this is getting nowhere, I relent, “Well now you don’t have to worry about that, I’m done. I’m glad you’re doing well. Have a good life, Jason.” I state matter of factly.
I wipe my tears and start walking away to the end of the alley to head back to my dorm when he reaches out and grabs my arm. He swings me around to face him before I can take two steps towards leaving.
I can see his chest rise and fall faster. “What do you want me to say!? That I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since the first night that we met? That I regret leaving you but I wasn’t given a choice? Do you want to hear how if I could change my life to be able to be with you, I would? Is that what you want hear, Alexandra!?” He screams, shaking
me fiercely by my arms. Easily leaving bruises behind.
The pain I feel isn’t from him hurting me physically. It’s from hearing the pain in his voice, the pain that I wish I could take away. Could it be possible that he actually wanted to stay with me? Does he feel the same way about me as I do about him? Or did I just hear him wrong because of all those Long Islands I just had?
As I focus in on his face I am certain I see the sincerity in them but that’s not going to cut it this time. I need to hear him say what he feels and wants from me out loud.
“I just want the truth about how you feel about me—about us…. Tell me you care, Jason…ask me to stay—“ I beg.
He looks me over before stepping away abruptly.
My heart sinks.
He rubs his hands up and down his head, looking tense. As he drops his arms to his sides he looks at me with hooded eyes.
He takes a step closer shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “I’m not good for you, Alexandra. I can’t give you what you want. I can’t love you. I am so sorry—I—I…” He shrugs and looks at the ground.
My feet feel like they are embedded to the concrete because I cannot move even though I want to get as far away from him as possible because he just shattered every remaining piece I still had of my heart.
I just keep staring at him willing him to say what I want him to in order to not feel this pain.
Instead he continues to break my heart with his words, “Look, I just wanted to tell you that I’m happy that you’re seeing someone new. I hear he’s a great guy. I just--I’m happy to see you with someone good and that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated—“
Though his tense shoulders and set jaw say that he feels differently, it feels like he just twisted the knife he lodged in my chest a long time ago.
With tears streaming down my face I give up because I can no longer do this with him. The hurt I feel needs to be buried, never to be relived.
It’s now or never for him and me. There’s no more games, there can’t be. My heart can no longer take his hot and cold.
If he doesn’t want this, I can’t force him. I don’t want him to be with me because I forced him. I want him to want me.
“Is that what you want, Jason--for me to move on from you?” I ask hurt at what he’s asking me to do.
I turn at the sudden sound of someone coming out of the bar.
I hear ‘Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart’ by Alicia Keys playing inside. God, lover’s night at the bar tonight is just so fucking convenient right now. Great! Just add on to the waterworks I already have going on.
I look back at him shaking my head at my thoughts.
He finally looks up, and then takes a step closer to me. With a softer demeanor he reaches out to wipe my tears away with both his thumbs.
He looks at me intently, “I-Y-Yes, I won’t be with you—I can’t…” He whispers.
At that moment all I can register is the lone tear that streams slowly down his face.
It takes a minute for his words to hit me. When they do, my heart stops and I can no longer look at him, so I look down—dumbfounded.
I get the courage to look up at him one more time to give him a chance to take back those words, but he doesn’t. All I see is that for the first time since I’ve met him his eyes are finally allowing me to see right through him.
Deep in those blue eyes I see that he’s lying to me but I know now that it’s too late because he hasn’t said anything about wanting me to stay with him or even wanting to be with me.
On top of all that, maybe I’m just seeing things that I want to be there but aren’t, because I want to believe he has feelings for me. But he’s just confirmed to me that he doesn’t and now that I think about it, he always has. He’s never going to love me the way I love him and because of that I’m going to set myself free. Free from the pain he’s causing me--has caused me.
Realizing this just now when we’re both in tears staring at each other has turned my world upside down.
But I manage to keep it together when I close the gap between us and whisper my parting words in his ear, “Done. Consider it done. Goodbye, Jason—I love you…” I linger for a couple of minutes taking his scent in one last time before I abruptly pull away from him and turn to walk away.
This time he doesn’t reach out for me.
I know those parting words will come back to haunt me like his picture—but for right now it’s what I have to do. I have to say goodbye to stop this horrible emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on with him these past months.
I don’t dare turn to look back at him, I can’t, even if I wanted to because it would break me even more and Magda’s right—I can’t keep doing this to myself. I NEED to move on from him in order to keep some sort of sanity.
Realizing that Magda’s been right all along makes me sob all the way to my dorm but also because deep down inside I know that I just walked away from the love of my life and this time I know I will never see him again.
I sob harder at the loss of my best friend and lover telling me that I have to move on from him with someone I know will never replace him.
As I run into my room, I fall to my knees and immediately hug myself because it feels like my whole world has come to an end.
How can Jason of all people want me to move on? Is it that easy? Has he moved on that quickly? I contemplate this as I try to stand up.
When I finally do, I open the drawer of my desk and find the book that holds my last picture of him.
I take it out from where it lays folded in two—between the pages of the story when Harper loses the love of her life—I open it to see his face one last time. I hold my hand up to cover my loud cries that looking at his eyes evokes from me.
I crumple the picture up and smash the book closed. You did it again, Jason. I lost you again. I throw the book back in the drawer and shake my head to try and free myself of the pain he’s caused me.
I get angry again and that’s when I turn to face the full length mirror behind me.
I see a complete stranger looking back at me. I have a black smeared face with puffy blood shot eyes and my hair is a mess from the walk here.
Seeing how depressed I look makes me wonder what the hell happened to me. When did I become this pathetic?
I wipe my eyes with the back of my hands roughly. “I refuse to cry anymore for something that was totally one sided. It’s my fault—I’m the one that was stupid enough to think we had something,” I tell my reflection.
I look down and start to dust off my blue jeans. Then, I straighten out my blue Polo button up shirt.
“Everyone wants me to move on…FINE! I’ll move on, Jason...just watch me!” I grunt and adjust my hair which at this point looks like a birds nest.
Fuck it, not like I give a shit about what I look like right now but I figure it’s presentable enough to go do what I’m about to do.
I pull open the door with full force and it hits Magda’s dresser as I walk out, slamming shut behind me.
“Fuck me...here goes nothing.” I mutter, standing up straighter and pushing my boobs up.
I make way down the stairs and out the door towards Zac’s dorm.
I hope I don’t live to regret this.
Chapter Six
4 years later
The inside is dimly lit with candles on top of each small round table and Jazz music is playing in the background--gag.
I look around and notice that no one else is in the restaurant besides us and the hostess, which I find strange but shrug it off as it being too early in the evening.
We make our way towards the middle table and take our seats facing each other.
“Your waiter will be right with you.” The petite blue eyed blonde says with a bright smile handing us our menus—double gag.
Ok, so maybe I have to stop doing that, but honestly I despise Jazz music just as much as fake blondes with fake teeth and fake personalities, so sue me. You’d think Zac would know
this by now, I mean we have been dating for three years now—Triple gag….Dammit, I have to control myself. Move on, Alex, move on.
“So, pretty girl, you like this place?” Zac asks pulling me out of my bitchy thoughts.
I lower my head to roll my eyes at his pedo-philish nickname for me. I hate it when he calls me that. It makes me feel like I’m dating either a porn star or a pedophile. Breathe, Alex, breathe…
I look around the room to help me calm down. “I love it, it’s nice and quiet. Although, it’s kind of odd that it’s pretty empty. You’d think for it being the best restaurant in town there would be more people.”
Black & Tan is supposed to be the most expensive and exclusive restaurant in De Pere so it’s a bit weird that no one is here, especially on a Friday night.
“Yes, I suppose it is odd,” he agrees.
He reaches for my hand and smirks. I let him hold it and force a smile. Dammit, I should be nicer.
He is a sweet guy and everyone loves him because of it. He doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, and he hates the party scene. Overall, he seems to be the perfect guy to take home to your parents, if you have any that care that is.
I chose to move on and this is the path I took so I have to try, for my sake and sanity. I should want to be with him, he’s everything a girl could want and need but for some reason it’s just never felt right between us. Never.
Our waiter comes over at this point and I force myself to stop being such a Debbie-Downer. He’s doing something nice, like he always does, so I need to try and pretend I like it.
We order our drinks and food then we make small talk while we wait.
It’s always been easy to talk to him but not about my feelings, just generic things like his new job with Ameriprise Financial that he just got after we graduated last week. He’s officially a certified financial planner which apparently means he’ll be making a lot of money—not that I care but it explains why we are at the “most expensive restaurant” in town.
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