Anyway, we keep our small talk going while eating our food, nothing deep. It’s mostly about him and what he has going on, which is fine by me because I have nothing going on.
After graduating last week with a Communications Degree and not knowing what to do with it, I’ve pretty much just laid around my apartment with Magda trying to look for “suitable” positions.
We’ve lived together in that apartment for two years now. It was a decision we made at the end of our sophomore year. We just had enough of the on-campus housing at that point so we went in on it together. Really, Magda’s parents paid for the whole thing. So I haven’t paid for anything, which is fine by me.
She’s never around anyway because she works long hours at Skyline Associates as an Accountant which is what her degree is in. So I have the apartment to myself a lot.
“Earth to Alex…” Zac waves his hand in front of my face.
“Sorry...uh...did you ask me something?” I ask apologetically.
He laughs a little making the corner of his mouth wrinkle a bit. “Yes, pretty girl, I asked if you wanted dessert.”
I look down and pat my tummy with a smile, “No, I’m fine, thank you. Everything was delicious, I’m stuffed.”
“Are you sure? We’ll have a piece of chocolate cake together. Doesn’t that sound good?” He says placing his elbows on the table and looking at me with a mischievous smile.
What is up with him? Why would he ask if I wanted some if he really didn’t give a shit about my answer? Breathe, Alex…breathe.
“Of course,” I say through clenched teeth.
My whole body tenses as I begin to feel like he’s suffocating me as usual.
I take a deep breath as he calls the waiter over and orders the cake. Which I’m sure will be a tiny portion like the rest of the food here. I took two bites from my steak and it was gone. What the fuck is that about?
I don’t get the appeal of this place. That’s probably the reason for it being empty right now. Ugh! I just want this night to be over….Dammit, Alex, try dammit, try.
Zac takes both my hands in his and I look up at him. He still has that smirk on his face.
“What are you smirking about?”I question impatiently.
“Nothing, just enjoying your pretty face,” he says a little sluggish.
Ummm okay. I don’t know what to say to that so I just smile at him but I can feel it’s not genuine. I am trying though.
The cake finally comes and the waiter sets it in between us.
I try to look at the plate but he squeezes and tightens his hold on my hands, making me look up at him to see what that was about. He suddenly gets out of his chair and kneels right in front of me.
I look at him with my brows furrowed in confusion. “Are you all right?” I ask baffled with his actions.
“I’m perfect…look, Alex, I love you more than life itself. I know that one day. You’ll feel the same way about me. I want you to know that I’m not going anywhere and I want you to always be with me so that I can protect you and take care of you. I’ll never hurt you or leave you. I want you to be my wife so that we can start our lives together and erase the past,” he declares looking into my eyes earnestly.
He slides the plate towards me. I look away from him to look at the plate and there in raspberry sauce “Will you marry me?” is written.
What is happening? Is he for real? Oh my god, can I do this?...I can’t, I just can’t. I don’t love him, I never have and I know in my heart I never will. Can I still do it, regardless? Can I really try with this guy?
“I won’t be with you” Jason’s words hit me like a freight train straight through the heart. What am I waiting for? Nothing --this has to stop, it’s been years now.
Maybe making myself fully commit to someone else will make this ache in my heart go away for good. This man just declared his love for me and I should accept it. He wants to love me the way I deserve to be loved.
I shouldn’t start thinking about Jason right now anyway. He’s nothing but a memory, a fantasy. He never wanted to love me the way Zac says he does and will. He told you to move on, Alex, he obviously didn’t want to be with you.
I know I’ll never be able to love him, but maybe if I try, I’ll get there someday….right?
I look around the room and see that a small crowd has formed around us. Every waiter, waitress, bartender, and cook from the looks of it, is around our table waiting for my answer.
I swallow loudly and look back down at him. His eyes are full of excitement and anticipation.
He takes out a black velvet box from his pocket and opens it to reveal a huge princess cut round diamond surrounded by baguettes. Tacky anyone?
“What do you say pretty girl, marry me?”
My shoulders go stiff and my lips thin out. I can’t get myself to answer his question. I don’t know what to say…
All I keep hearing is his voice telling me, “I won’t be with you”.
So, move on, I will, Jason. I shake my head to clear my thoughts.
“Y-Yes…” I whisper hesitantly.
Everyone erupts with cheers and clapping while Zac stands up taking me with him and kissing me roughly.
I don’t return the kiss. I just stand there in shock at what just happened.
He pulls back and he has a huge smile on his face.“I love you,” he whispers near my ear.
I nod and he grabs my hand lifting it up in the air. “She said yes!”
The small crowd that gathered claps louder before they start congratulating us.
I stand there for who knows how long with a fake smile on my face looking anywhere but at Zac.
I don’t think I can look him in the eye right now because he’ll know I don’t want to marry him…he’ll know the only person I ever want to marry and spend the rest of my life with is Jason—my Jason.
The one I have vivid memories of everyday.
The one that let me cry on his shoulder after reading the part in Taking Chances when my favorite character dies.
The one that made me feel beautiful and wanted even if I was wearing sweatpants and no make-up.
The one that didn’t care if I said “nipple-fuck” at the most inappropriate times—which was all the time. God, I’m a broken record.
I look down to my feet as Zac gets high fives and slaps on the back from this crowd. I realize like a dumbass then, that he rented out the restaurant so that he could do this.
That makes me feel worse because he doesn’t deserve me thinking about someone else, he’s good and safe.
I need to get it together, I can do this. I can move on just like Jason did after that night at Bobba’s. Not that I’ve heard anything about him moving on or anything remotely close to that. But I’m sure that after three years he doesn’t even remember my name. Dammit!
Plastering on another fake smile, I hug Zac and kiss him passionately to try and forget the one whose kisses I still remember so vividly.
People cheer loudly.
I can do this...I will do this…I have to...
***
I lay on my side in the fetal position next to the bed recalling the night I sealed my fate a little over a year ago with a man I thought was best for me in order to forget Jason.
“Come on, Alex, IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!?” Zac yells kneeling in front of me.
I keep staring at the white wall instead of him.
I can feel his menacing look on me. The one he always gets when this happens.
It doesn’t faze me anymore so I don’t budge.
I see him stand up from the corner of my eye. “Fucking coward.” I hear him say in disgust.
He starts kicking me in the stomach again, repeatedly. I wince from the pain there but it’s nothing compared to the throbbing pain in my head that’s coming from the blow I took on the edge of the nightstand after his first punch.
I can barely see straight at this point but I manage to bend forward trying to hold on to my knees to keep the blows from hitting my rib
cage.
After he stops to take a breath, I look up at him as much as my neck will allow. “Is that all you got, asshole?”
His eyes go from looking down at his tie to glaring down at me.
I probably shouldn’t have said that but I can’t go down like this without a fight. I’ve always fought back even when my own mother used to beat me.
Even the first time this happened which was a week into our marriage, I fought back and I have ever since.
To say I was shocked that first time would be an understatement. I mean, the man everyone told me would protect and care for me with no hesitation turned out to be this monster that waited to show his true colors until I was married to him.
The pain that I have felt since then is both emotional and physical. Actually, it’s been that way ever since I can remember.
I always think about how my life has turned out for me and I can’t help but feel like it’s been unfair. But I know I’m here because of the choices I’ve made so there’s no one else to blame but me.
I live life now as if I were someone else, a robot of some sort.
I play the good wife in public, and then at home I fight with my husband about anything and everything which always ends with me bruised and battered. But not without him getting a few scrapes and scratches as souvenirs from me.
I think he’s realized by now that I’ll always fight back so it gives him more amusement than anything which isn’t my intention at all. I just want him to know that he may be my husband as stated on our marriage certificate but he does not get to push me around like I’m his bitch.
He kneels back down near my head and takes my chin between his thumb and forefinger. “Tsk...Tsk…pretty girl, you know your defiance only gets me turned on. Is that what you want? Because you know I’ll take you right here, right now…”
I flinch at not only the pain from all the blows but at the nausea that settles in my stomach at the pure thought of him touching me in any type of sexual way.
The one or two times that he’s forced me or caught me dreaming have been less than pleasant to say the least.
I guess I should have known that many years ago when I met him that he would be a monster. But with his angelic act of willing to wait for me until I was ready—it never crossed my mind.
When I look back now, I remember that I knew deep down that he was not caring or loving.
I guess I overlooked these things because at the time he was my out for the pain that I felt each day knowing that I had lost the one person that I really wanted to be with. Zac was there for me when I had no one else to turn to, to take my misery away.
I jerk my chin away. “Go to hell! You sick fuck!”
He laughs and stands back up to finish readjusting his tie and shirt.
As he’s re-tucking his shirt in his pants he looks down at me with a serious look in his eyes. “You know, pretty girl, I’ve always loved your feisty side. It’s how I knew you would be a good wife for me. The innocent, fragile look you had going on is what drew me to you…but that feistiness is what has always given me a hard on.” He states matter of factly.
I feel so repulsed by him that I can’t believe I ever thought he was anything but a douche bag.
He continues to make me want to puke with his words, “So, don’t forget that you are my wife and I will have you whether you want to or not. I will always own you, Alexandra. Don’t you ever fucking think that you have a choice.”
I try to scream at him as I try to stand up but it’s a struggle because it feels like my head might fall off and I’m not able to feel my whole body, “Fuck you! Just because I look innocent and fragile, doesn’t mean I am. So keep that in mind along with the fact that you’ll never own me, Zac, never! Don’t you ever forget that!”
I grab the comforter on the bed to hoist myself up. I grunt and hold my breath until I’m in the standing position clutching my stomach.
I turn to face him and see that he’s smiling that smile I once thought was sweet and innocent, now it’s just menacing and mocking.
I look directly into his eyes without flinching, “You may think you own me, Zac, but you don’t. You never have and you never will. That little tid bit hasn’t changed through the years. You can do what you want to my body but it’s never going to change the fact that I will never love you and never ever be willingly yours. You’re a lame excuse for a man and you don’t deserve anything that I have to offer. You’re a piece of shit that is so insecure with himself that you have to beat up a FEMALE to prove that you’re stronger. But know this Zac Millington, you will NEVER break me down so fuck off, prick!”
I go flying into the wall when his fist collides with the right side of my face, obviously catching me off guard. The next thing I know, my face burns and all I can taste is something metallic--probably from the blood in my mouth.
Everything goes dark and I can see different colors behind my eyelids as I slide down the wall and hit the floor.
“You shouldn’t have said that, pretty girl. You will break, I’ll make sure of it, but for now make sure you sleep it off. I will tell our friends you weren’t feeling well tonight. I love you. I won’t be home too late.” I faintly hear him say nonchalantly near me.
Suddenly a door slams shut which lets me know of his exit.
It feels like my body is gone but I use all of the strength I have left in me to somewhat crawl closer to the bed. But it’s more like I’m dragging my lower half towards the bed, in order to reach the only thing I could possibly need at this very moment.
I make it there breathing raggedly because that took a lot out of me. I take a deep breath before I reach up to open a hidden compartment under my top drawer.
The content falls out.
It’s the book that I so often turn to. I grab it and open it to find that picture…of him.
I gently rub my thumb back and forth on his face wishing it was really him I was feeling. Wishing things were different, but this picture that I’ve kept for years is a constant reminder of what I lost—of what we lost. I sigh before putting the crumpled old picture back in its place so that Zac can never find it.
Leaning my head against the side of the bed, I feel my eyelids begin to shut involuntarily, probably from using my leftover energy to see him again—even if it is of the day he broke my heart.
I lay in the fetal position that I found myself in earlier.
My last thoughts are that of soft hands caressing the sides of my face and down my neck while whispering beautiful things to me as he makes sweet love to me.
Everything starts going black as I remember the only man I’ve ever loved and have ever belonged to.
”I love you, Jason.” I whisper before letting go.
Chapter Seven
I awake the next morning feeling like what can only be described as ‘getting the shit beaten out of’, literally.
I lift my head from the floor and close my eyes as the soreness all over my body hits me.
I carefully stand up using the wall as leverage.
I look around to see that the bed is made and Zac is nowhere in sight. He probably already left for work. Good, that means I don’t have to see him this morning.
I limp towards the bathroom, tenderly caressing my stomach as I cross the room to shower and get ready for another day in hell. A sigh escapes me.
I shower at a snail’s pace because everything hurts so it makes it difficult to wash myself. Even though I should probably be a pro at showering hurt, since Zac using me as a punching bag has been happening for almost a year now. I get my few scratches and punches in here and there but at six foot five, he kind of overpowers me quickly so it doesn’t happen very often. But I still try.
As I wash my face, I feel the cut on my lip that I know has a bruise to accompany it, without having to look in the mirror.
I start to feel tears building up in my eyes but I will them away because I will not cry, not for a piece of shit that is trying to destroy me. I will not give him the
satisfaction.
I haven’t cried since the day Jason told me he didn’t want to be with me. That day I died inside and became someone everyone wanted me to be. I became a stay at home wife or trophy wife is more like it, because that’s what was expected of me. That’s what everyone thought would help me.
Everyone wanted me to move on, including Jason who shattered my heart by wanting me to, but I did it. I physically moved on but my heart, soul, and mind didn’t. Jason is still in my thoughts and dreams. He haunts me everywhere I go.
I always wonder what happened to him. Where he is, if he’s ok without me, does he suffer like I do? Does he ache like I do?
Sometimes before I head off to bed on nights that Zac is gone away on business. I like to think that when I’m looking up at the sky at night and thinking about him that somewhere he is doing the same and we are both longing for each other. And that at that moment we’re both wishing things could be different.
“Dammit, Jason, I’m so empty without you. I miss you, I need you…please. Why didn’t you stay?—“I cry into my hands letting the rain hit the top of my head and trickle down my body until I’m pruney.
After getting myself into a pair of jeans and a red v-neck sweater that is sure to cover all the bruises on my stomach, I finish the outfit off with some black spiked Steve Madden pumps to not make me seem out of sorts.
I get my make-up on in order to cover up the bruises on my temple and my cut lip.
I’ve become a pro at covering things up so that no questions will be asked.
Everyone still thinks that Zac and I are the perfect couple and that he still walks on water. When in reality it’s totally different than what everybody outside sees.
I shake my head at the thought as I make my way into our huge marble covered, stainless steel kitchen.
Our house, or prison more like it, has five bedrooms and every kind of modern and up to date furnishing you can think of.
Zac of course, has to have this place spotless for the many parties he tends to throw for his company and for his clients. I hate hosting those the most, I always have to pretend that I have feelings towards Zac which I don’t. It makes me nauseous just thinking about it. I hate it, but if I don’t do it, Zac and I get into an argument about it and end up in a fight that I never win.
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