He takes hold of my hand and I let him because I want to hear him out and it also just feels…right.
Then I realize that I need to know about the wedding before anything else.
“Wait—first I need you to explain to me why you were at Magda’s wedding. She hasn’t really been your number one fan, so how did that happen?” I only ask because I need to know if Magda knew what was going on with Zac or if she was just being my BFF and knew that I wasn’t happy with Fuck-Tard so she invited Jason. The man that she knew has always been the only one for me.
He looks surprised that I would ask him to answer that first but he doesn’t hesitate to answer, “Magda didn’t know what was going on with you and Zac, if that’s what you’re trying to figure out. I found out through the grapevine that she and Jesse were getting married and I knew that you would be there. I found Jesse’s information and pleaded with him to invite me to their wedding. He made me promise that I wouldn’t create any drama and told me that I would have to go through Magda before I was officially invited. So I did, I told her that I just wanted to see two old friends of mine getting married and that I wouldn’t even be in your line of vision—that was the only way that she allowed me to go,” he stops to take a deep breath. “I just wanted to see you and I did…with him—I nearly lost it for a minute, but I controlled myself enough to approach you and that’s when I realized it…” He looks away from me.
I squeeze his hand, hoping he’ll continue, “Realized what?” I ask confused.
His head turns back to me and his eyes are filled with so much regret that it makes my heart ache for him.
“Realized that letting you go that night at the bar was the biggest mistake of my life because I could see and feel how unhappy you were—I just didn’t know it went that far. I thought you were happy Alexandra…I’m so sor—“
I shake my head vigorously not wanting to hear how sorry he is for me. It’s just going to piss me off. “Okay! That’s enough of that. I can’t have you feeling sorry for me for what happened,” I say irritated.
Aggravated at his words, I continue to rush his explanation, “Look, I can’t do this with you anymore, Jason, just tell me what changed and why you’re here…then you can finally go…”
I let go of his hand because the feel of him makes me weak.
It’s like he’s come back just to torture me for kicks.
I know all he’s going to do is leave after he digs the knife deeper in my heart.
He forces my hand back in his. “Alexandra, I’m not going anywhere anymore—never again. I will tell you why I left all those years ago… it was because I was trying to keep you safe. Safe—from me…” He reveals sadly.
My eyebrows furrow.
I look at him and my anger starts to subside as curiosity overwhelms me. “What are you talking about? From you? I don’t get it.”
“I know…I’m sorry. Let me start from the beginning. I told you when we first met about my family and do you remember how I never really wanted to talk about my father?”
Of course, I remember…I didn’t want to push him for information because I could tell it was hard for him to talk about his father.
“Yes, I remember. What does that have to do with anything?”
He takes a deep breath. “Well…the reason why I didn’t want to talk about him was because—he—he was an abusive father and by abusive I mean that in every sense of the word. He used to beat my mother to a pulp ever since I can remember…”
My heart starts beating faster at the ache I feel for him but I don’t say anything so that he can continue.
“My mother never did anything about it. My sister, brother, and I were witnesses to every beating she ever got. We weren’t allowed to tell anyone because she said that he threatened to beat us instead, if we did. She made us promise never to tell anyone… that was her way of protecting us--”
His voice breaks and I want to comfort him and hold him to try to take the pain away but I know I can’t. This is something he needs to talk about.
“I hated my father for so many years because of everything that he put my mother through—my family through. I could never protect her because she made me promise that I would never get involved. She said if I did it would be worse and that my brother and sister would end up paying for it as well…I was stuck—until I was able to get out by going to college. I thought coming to school would take me away from it all—take me away from the pain of watching my mother get beat every day of my life…every day of her life…” He says looking down, ashamed.
My eyes fill up with unshed tears as I look at the person in front of me. The person I thought I knew but now…I find out that I never knew the biggest part of him—the thing we’ve had in common all this time has been the thing that has torn us apart.
I reach out with my hand to caress the right side of his face. “Oh my God, Jason. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
He looks up into my eyes. “I couldn’t. I never wanted to be him. I always thought I was going to be just like him, Alexandra. I never meant to go to college and find you. I didn’t plan on you. I thought that I would go to school and forget about ever having lived through that hell. I left home thinking that I was going to be free--free from having to watch my mother get beat up by a piece of shit that called himself my father. I didn’t plan on meeting you. I didn’t plan on getting involved with anyone. I knew that I couldn’t allow myself to because there was a chance that I could be just like him. I knew that at some point in my life I was going to end up being my father’s son…” He says slowly looking away from me.
“I know you would have never hurt me, Jason…” I whisper, taking my hand away from his face and placing it on top of our entwined ones.
Tears start streaming down my face as I think about everything that he had to watch as a child. Picturing him as a little boy wanting to protect his mother but being unable to. It breaks my heart. Everything that he thought would happen to his siblings if he said anything.
The thought of him thinking he would become his father is unbearable. He could never be like that, I would trust him with my life…he’s nothing like Zac, my mother, or his father.
Looking back at me, he says, “Alexandra, I knew that I would be him at one point or another and whether you want to admit it now or not, I did hurt you. I pushed you into the arms of someone that has been giving you the life I was trying to protect you from. I was trying to keep you away from me because I knew that if I was ever going to be with someone, I would turn into my father. I didn’t want that for you…I wanted you to be with someone better than me…”
“Jason, I could never find anybody better than you. How could you even think that? You were my everything…I was willing to put myself out there for you that night. The night you left without telling me…I just don’t understand why you left.”I say getting sad at the memory of him leaving me.
Not able to look at his haunted eyes any longer I look away and focus my attention on the heart monitor, which is beeping normal for once. Even though everything that he’s told me has me thinking I’m about to pass out, since I can’t believe he’s telling me these things after all this time.
He takes my chin between his thumb and forefinger and moves my head towards him. “Don’t. Please, Alexandra, I need you to look at me.”
I reluctantly nod in response and he’s able to continue, “When I went away, I left everything back in Chicago. I knew that I had to go back at some point to make sure my siblings were taken care of and that my mother was still alive. I didn’t know then that I would have to go back so soon. That day, Kelly, my sister, called and said that my father had beaten my mother worse than he ever had before. She didn’t know what to do because my brother Bryan had gotten involved this time around. So my brother ended up just as beaten as my mother…I had to make a choice. Stay with you and pretend like my family didn’t need me back in Chicago or drop out of school and FINALLY protect my family from that monster…I felt like I really didn’t have a
choice because of all the guilt I carried around with me for all those years for not saying anything about it or doing anything when it happened…I just watched--”
I can see tears streaming down his face now and my heart hurts because of the pain that he’s been through. The pain that I never knew was so close to what I have been through with my mother and more recently, my husband.
I realize now that it’s been something that I have never shared with him or Magda or anybody for that matter. I never did it because of the same thing it always is with me—pity. I never wanted anybody to look at me differently or treat me differently.
So I hid my past to get away from it and pretend like nothing ever happened. When people asked about my family, I pretended like I didn’t have one that mattered.
I feel so terrible for him that I wish I wasn’t attached to all these machines so that I could be holding him right now, showing him that I care and that I know what it’s like—that feeling of helplessness.
“I’m sorry, Jason—I—I wish you didn’t have to experience that and that you would have told me...I thought we had something--” My voice cracks because I can no longer hold it together.
He shakes his head adamantly. “No, that was not an option for me. I didn’t want you anywhere near my fucked up life. I didn’t want to taint you. When I left, I told myself that it would be easy for you to move on and forget about me. I knew that it wouldn’t be the same for me, but I HOPED that it would be. I didn’t mean to fall for you. I didn’t mean to meet you. I wasn’t planning on you—“He pauses and clears his throat.
“When I got home, I fixed things. I stopped allowing my father to destroy our family more than he already had. My sister and I went to the cops and he ended up going to jail for a very long time. It took my mother a while to get past what had occurred and we have all been going to therapy together. A couple of weeks later, we heard that my father had killed his cellmate and was going to spend the rest of his life in that hellhole. Making me feel like for the first time in my life I was finally free—free to live my life with…you. It’s taken me all these years to come to that conclusion and to come to terms with the fact that I am NOT my father’s son…I choose not to be.” He states matter of factly.
I don’t respond because I know he has more to get off his chest and quite frankly, I’m just in shock about the whole thing and can’t speak.
“Alexandra, we did have something back then…we still do now, dammit. That hasn’t changed to this day. I know you feel it just as much as I do. It’s like nothing changed between us and we’re just—us—when we’re together it’s as if nothing and nobody can hurt us. I was afraid of those feelings before because of my past and what I thought I would become…but I’m not afraid anymore. I know now, that I could never be him. He’s a monster and I’m a better person now for accepting that he and I are NOT the same. I’m here now and I’m staying. I’m not letting ANYBODY hurt you. I should have never left you to begin with and for that I’m sorry.” He finishes, looking disappointed.
There are endless tears streaming down my face now at his confession. I try to move closer but all these things are preventing me from doing it.
I do the only thing I can and place my hand on his cheek again. “Oh, Jason…I—I’m sorry for everything that you’ve been through. I’m so sorry. But listen to me. You have to know that you could have never tainted me with your life. I wanted to be with you and I would have stayed with you through it all. I could have helped you…I—I was tainted way before you met me, Jason…I just never told you…” I confess.
His eyes go wide and his grip tightens on my hand. “What are you talking about, Alexandra?”
Looking into his eyes makes me feel at home, like they always have. I know that I should have been honest with him then, maybe things could have been different. It’s too late now, though, I know that, but it’s time for me to be as honest with him as he’s been with me.
“Jason—my mother was the same as your father. It was just her and I so I was her only punching bag. It was like that for me until I left for college. I never said anything to anyone because I didn’t want anyone’s pity or sympathy. I wanted everyone to know who I was and not what I had come out of or what I went through. I left that behind me, pretending like I didn’t have a family was an easier option than letting everyone know I had an abusive mother. The sick part about it was that she always wanted me to fight back. She said that way we were even—that’s why I more than understand what’s happened in your life and that’s why I can lay here and tell you that who your parents are doesn’t mean shit. I’m nothing like my mother and you’re nothing like your father. I wanted to tell you so bad, I did, but you were the ONE person I couldn’t handle looking back at me with sad eyes, thinking that I was pathetic for allowing it to happen for so long. I couldn’t stand the thought so I just never said anything.” I say putting everything out there, all the pain, all the sorrow…everything. Like he did.
He stands from his chair and starts pacing the room angrily.
“How is that possible?! How can anyone want to hurt you? Especially, your mother! I swear I’ll kill them if they ever come near you again!” He shouts, more to himself than me.
He starts to rub the back of his neck franticly, like he’s about to throw everything in here out the window.
I panic and try to calm him down, “Jason, it’s over now. She’s no longer in my life. Come back to me, please,” I plead, extending my hand so that he can come and sit next to me.
He takes one long deep breath before accepting it.
Slowly, he lowers himself on the edge of the bed and pulls me close to his chest.
Looking down at me he soothes, “I’m sorry. I just get a little crazy at the thought of someone hurting you.”
I sigh, “I know Jason, but it’s over now,” I declare.
He takes a big sigh of relief, “It is. I’ll make sure of it.”
His fingers caress my hair, “Alexandra, I want you to know that I would have never looked at you with pity. I love you baby, I always have and that would not have changed my feelings towards you. If anything it makes me want to protect you more even though I think you are the strongest person I know. I’m only sorry that it’s too late to change what’s happened but we can start new now…I’ve worked through my issues with my father. My family is more solid than it has ever been. I know that I love you more than anything in this world and I don’t want to lose you. We belong together…we always have. It’s just taken us a long time to get here—together,” he soothes.
I sigh and remind us both of our true reality, “I wish I could say things are good with me too, Jason, but they’re not. I have an abusive husband that refuses to give me a divorce. I’ve been dealing with this for a little over a year now. Since, he didn’t show his true colors until after we got married.”
I feel his body tense.
Looking up at his face I see a tick in his jaw.
“He’s never coming near you again. I told you. I’ll kill anybody,” he states angrily.
I pull back from his embrace a little to grab his shoulder. “Stop it. You’re not killing anybody. He’s harmless. Just a piece of shit stuck on the wall that needs some cleaning…” I try to say with a smile but I know I don’t pull it off.
His eyes are cold as ice when he responds, “He WILL NOT hurt you again. Nobody will, I can promise you that.”
Knowing that the air in the room has changed dramatically I concede, “Okay, okay. He won’t hurt me again…”
The door opens suddenly and I see Nurse Betty standing there with a huge grin on her face.
She walks towards my bed and Jason stands up to move away.
I want to complain but I know she has to do her job.
“I just have to check your vitals, Miss. Sorry to interrupt.” She says apologetically.
“No problem, Betty, just make sure she’s okay,” Jason says turning to look at her with a smile.
I sigh and let h
er play with me for a few minutes before she finally decides to leave.
I start getting really tired but I can hear her tell Jason on the way out that everything looked good and that I should get some rest.
She leaves and I yawn.
Jason comes near my bed again. “You should rest. I’ll be right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
I’m so tired at this point that I just nod my head and drift off to sleep.
Chapter Thirteen
It seems like it’s the middle of the night when I wake up next to the annoying beeping sound of that heart monitor. Ugh! Of course, I wouldn’t get any sleep in a fucking hospital…
I look around and find Jason lying on that awful couch that is surely not comfortable.
I stare at him for what seems like forever before it dawns on me that he’s actually here with me. He didn’t leave. Is he really here to stay?
I want to go over there and touch him…just to feel him, so that I know he’s real, but all these damn cords are stopping me from doing it.
I sigh heavily and do the only thing I can do…whisper, “Jason…”
There’s rustling and movement on the couch before I repeat, “Jason!” in a louder voice.
He jumps and falls off the couch.
I laugh silently.
“Alexandra? You okay?” He asks panicked.
He moves to stand up and comes towards my bed rubbing his eyes.
I smile innocently as I grab his hand to feel his touch. “Yes. I just wanted to make sure you were real. I thought I had dreamt that you were really here.”
I notice then that he’s only wearing a tight white t-shirt and some blue scrubs for pajama pants. Dear Lord, someone shoot me! I look at his face and even in the dark he looks as handsome as ever.
He bends down to talk in my ear, “Of course, I’m here. I told you, I’m not going anywhere.”
I shiver at how raspy his voice sounds. I know that sound and it’s always turned me on. Shit! The heart monitor starts beeping rapidly again.
I point my head at the annoying machine. “Can you do something about that?”
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