I wink at Jason and blow both my boys a kiss as I make my way out the door into the cold Chicago winter air.
I get in my Toyota Sequoia and turn it on to hear Beyonce singing ‘I was here’ on the radio.
Looking into the rearview mirror to back out of the driveway, I see my worst nightmare—Zac.
He’s standing right in the middle of the road making it impossible for me to back up without hitting him.
My head starts spinning with worry. I close my eyes and look again. He’s still standing there in a black pea coat looking mad as hell.
What the hell is he doing here? How did he find me? Oh, God, my whole family is in there. Shit! I have to control my nerves here. This is a psycho I’m dealing with.
I just have to play along and make him go away.
I take a deep breath before opening my door and getting out apprehensive about what’s about to go down.
“What are you doing here, Zac?” I ask seemingly calm, but on the inside I’m a nervous wreck.
He starts walking towards me but I stand my ground to show him I’m not scared.
I have to keep him away from my family.
He gets closer than I would like before responding, “Just wanted to stop by and say ‘Happy Birthday’ to the birthday boy.”
I tense and hold my breath. My whole body goes into high alert.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. You should leave. You shouldn’t be here, Zac.” I say trying to keep my family out of this.
He smiles in a menacing way. “Don’t play coy with me, WHORE. I know you fucked Jason and from that you have a bastard,” he seethes.
I slap him hard across the face at his disrespectful words involving my son. Idiot.
“Watch your mouth, Zac. Don’t try me because you will find me. I’m nothing to you now, haven’t been for two years…so you have no right to talk shit to me or be anywhere near my family.” I threaten, pissed off that he would think he can say or do anything without me retaliating.
Rubbing his slapped face he glares at me. “You fucked him while we were still married…you fucking WHORE!!” He yells pushing me hard into my open car door.
I stumble back but don’t fall down.
I take a deep breath and grind my teeth together to be able to control myself. “We were never anything, Zac. We might have been married but we never had anything together. I had and HAVE everything with Jason and my SON…something that I NEVER wanted with you. Please understand that and move on. There’s nothing between us. There never was. Please…go and don’t come back.”
I hear the front door open and I panic. I turn around and see Jason standing there with Jayden.
I don’t make a move I just say, “Everything’s fine, sweetheart. Just take the baby back inside, I’ll be in soon,” in order to keep them both away from the tool in front of me.
I see Jason’s eyes roaming the car before they finally set on Zac. His stance becomes rigid and his jaw begins to tick.
Abruptly, he starts sprinting down the steps towards the car.
Frantic that he doesn’t realize he has Jayden I yell, “NO! Jason…take Jayden inside, I’ll take care of this.”
He immediately stops and that’s when I can tell it registers that he’s got the baby with him. Then without hesitation he runs back in the house.
I turn my attention around to Zac.
His eyes are more menacing than they were before as he seethes, “That’s the bastard? That’s the fucker you left me for? A piece of shit that left you when you needed him. He didn’t want to be with you, Alex…remember that? I was there…he wasn’t.”
I look at him trying to calm my nerves down as much as possible. “Zac, that’s over now. WE are over now. This has nothing to do with you and me anymore. Please leave. Jason will come out here and he will be angry, I don’t want any drama. Please?”
“Let him come out here, Alex,” he grinds his teeth together.
He puts his hand inside his jacket and pulls out a gun. “I’ll let him know once and for all that you’re mine and always will be.” What the fuck?
All wired up and panicked, I look around to make sure Jason hasn’t come out yet.
“Zac, you don’t want to do this…please. Let this go, let ME go. It’s been over for years—“ I beg softly, not wanting to piss him off further.
He gets closer to me. “NO! It was never over—it’s not over, pretty girl.”
I turn my head towards the inside of my car as he places the gun on the left side of my face.
He slowly traces that side as I start breathing raggedly.
My mind goes blank for a second before I register Muse’s ‘Resistance’ playing on the car radio, making me realize that I have to do anything I have to in order to keep everyone safe and away from this lunatic.
I turn back to him, getting the balls to protect myself and my family. “Zac, if you do this, you’ll rot in prison for the rest of your life. Think about this.”
His eyes roam my face and body. “Oh, but I have, my pretty girl. Why do you think it’s taken me this long to come back for you? I’ve been planning it this way. I’m gonna take out every one of them in that house so you learn never to leave me again.”
“NO! Zac, you can’t do this…please don’t hurt them…” I beg, realizing that he’s really planning on hurting everyone I love.
Tears start to stream down my face at the thought.
“Sshh…sshhh, pretty girl. It will be over soon,” he whispers in my ear.
I hear the door open and slam once again. I automatically know its Jason.
I angle my head to yell towards him, “JASON! DON’T COME OVER HERE, I GOT IT!”
“Zac, please don’t. I’ll do whatever you want…just don’t hurt him.” I plead, trying to calm him down before Jason gets close.
He makes to turn towards where Jason is coming from. “Too late, he’s been in my way for too long…”
“NO!” I scream, clinging onto a part of his pea coat so he won’t get near Jason.
He takes my wrists and tries to pry my hands off of him but I hold on for dear life because I know he plans on hurting him and I can’t allow that.
I hear Jason running towards us so I panic.
I try to take the gun away from Zac and at the same time I try to warn Jason. “Stay away, Jason…please, baby…stay back!” I sob.
“No! Stay away from her Zac!” I hear him yell.
My fight for the gun ends up getting Zac angrier so he moves the hand that’s holding it away from me and points it at Jason.
“NO, Zac! Don’t!” I yell, launching myself at him.
Jason stops dead in his tracks at the sight of the gun.
“Too late, pretty girl, I’m gonna kill him and then your bastard of a son!” Zac seethes in my ear as I struggle to get the gun away.
“Jason…MOVE!” I scream in between sobs.
He moves to the right and starts stalking towards us.
I stop him with my words, “DON’T! Protect Jayden, Jason…please…get back. I’ll take care of this…please—baby—please.” I manage to say the words as I am still struggling with Zac for the gun.
When I finally get my hand on the gun it’s in between both Zac and I.
We stare at each other, when suddenly it goes off.
I stand there in shock not knowing what happened.
Zac’s eyes go wide and I feel Jason come from behind me and jump on top of him.
I watch as he beats him senseless while I grab onto the door for stability.
Nothing makes sense right now, only the fact that I can barely breathe.
“Jason…” I say still unsure about what’s happening to me.
He turns to look at me with worried eyes, “Baby?”
I place my hand on my chest and look down at my hand. It’s bloody. My mind starts racing…that’s Zac’s blood, right?
“Jason…” I repeat as my breathing starts to slow.
My body starts to slide
down the door.
Jason hurries towards me to grab me before I hit the ground.
“Alexandra? Are you okay? Please tell me that’s his blood…please…” He repeats over and over.
He searches all over my body for a wound.
Finally, he stops his search and I see his eyes start tearing up.
“Jason?” I say looking at him as he starts to sob.
In between breaths he says, “I’m sorry, baby…I’m so sorry….”
He’s apologizing but I don’t understand why so I look down to where his hand is.
That’s when I see that it’s covered in blood and I realize that it’s my blood from a bullet hole in my chest.
It seems like it’s just gushing out blood and that’s when I start to feel it. Feel the darkness come.
My eyes flutter as I struggle to keep them open.
“I—love—you, both…please—protect—Jay-den…” I say through gasps of air.
“No…no…baby, stay with me. Please, I need you to stay with me…help will be here soon...” He says barely audible.
I try to smile but I can’t so I raise my hand and place it on his cheek that’s wet from the tears.
I want to comfort him, but I can’t. I don’t have any energy left in me.
I do the only thing I’m still able to…whisper, “Jason, I love you—I always have. I leave you with a piece of me, please watch—over him.”
He rocks me back and forth while sobbing loudly. “You’re gonna be fine, Alexandra…I’ve got you. Just stay, baby, please, I want you to stay. I’m here. We’re here.”
“I want-to—stay—“ leaves my mouth in loud intakes of breath.
In the distance I can hear Rihanna and Mikky Ekko’s ‘Stay’ come on from inside the car.
Tears slide down the side of my face as I look into his deep blue eyes.
I smile inwardly knowing that I got to see those same blue eyes stare at me today from the fruit of our love.
My heart breaks at knowing that I won’t be there for either of them anymore.
The only satisfaction I have is that I lived the life I wanted with them for a year…the life I should have been living from the start.
“Please, baby…I can’t live without you. Don’t leave me…” He cries over and over.
“Jason—I’ll always be with you—I’ll always—stay…we were both broken… ” I take a deep breath before I am able to continue, “But we saved—each--other…”
My hand slips from his face and he takes it in his and kisses it gently.
When I hear the sirens in the distance, I can no longer hold on. As much as I want to stay in my life with my boys, the darkness is too strong this time around. I can’t fight it.
My eyes start to close and the last thing I hear is, “I love you, baby, always and forever—I should have stayed, Alexandra. That night in the alley, I should have stayed, baby—I’m so sorry. I love you—so much…”
I take one last breath before I feel my heart stop beating, then everything goes black.
Then there’s no more pain…just silence.
Chapter Fifteen
“Jason!”
I shoot straight up and gasp for air.
“What the fuck?! Are you all right?” I hear somebody ask from somewhere near me.
I touch my chest and run my hands up and down my body. I close my eyes and open them again. I look around and see Magda standing in front of the mirror that’s on our dorm room door.
“Magda…what the fuck?” I ask panicked.
She looks at me confused. “That’s what I said? What the fuck? Were you having a bad dream or something?”
I move to sit on the side of the bed and run my hands through my messy hair. Then wipe the sweat off my forehead. What the fuck is going on? Did I just wake up from a dream?
“I don’t know. All I know is that I just died and now I’m here. What. The. Hell? “
She turns back around to face the mirror and starts applying her mascara.
“Chica, I think you’re really hungover or drunk or on something…you’ve been asleep for like twelve hours. So you’re not dead, obviously. I was about to wake you up, actually,” she says nonchalantly.
I shake my head to try and clear my thoughts.
How can this be happening? I need to know what’s going on.
“Magda, we’re still in school?” I ask confused.
I see her scrunch her face in disgust. “Yeah, Bitch. Last I checked we’re still in school. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
I ignore her question.
“Magda, I need you to tell me what—“
The door burst open and Jesse comes running in.
“AAAHHHH!!! I’M GETTIN’ LAID TONIGHT, BITCHES!” He screams, running towards my bed.
He jumps on it and starts bouncing up and down.
I shake my head again because now I know I’m crazy. This has happened before. I know it has. I am not fucking crazy.
“Wait…this has happened before…” I say looking at both of them dumbfounded.
They both turn to look at each other and start laughing hysterically.
“Dude, are you high?” Jesse asks when he stops laughing at me.
I glare at him. “No! I’m just pretty sure this has happened before. I saw you guys get married…Jason and I got—“
Magda shudders in mock disgust. “Stop yourself, girl! Jesse and I are NEVER getting married and Jason’s gone. We’ve been over this. He’s not coming back. He left you, now you’ve got Zac—“
“NO!” I yell.
They both flinch.
I stand up from my bed and adamantly let them know how I feel about that asshole. “I don’t have Zac. I don’t want him. He’s a piece of shit. A psycho! I want Jason—I saw him. He comes back to me—I know it. It wasn’t a dream…I saw him…” My voice cracks because I know he was real.
Jesse comes over and puts his arm around me. “I’m sorry, Alex, Magda’s right. Jason’s gone. We thought you had moved on from this.”
Magda walks towards me. “Alex, I didn’t know you were that strongly against Zac. I’m sorry. But are you okay? Where is this all coming from?” She asks sounding worried.
I start to feel like maybe I am crazy because obviously they don’t know what I’m talking about.
I tell myself that it must have just been a bad dream, that’s all.
It just all seemed really real.
I sigh and let it go so they don’t keep thinking something’s wrong with me.
“I’m sorry guys. It must’ve just been a bad dream, that’s all. I’m fine. I promise,” I say looking at them both.
Magda smiles at Jesse and then looks back at me. “Good, now get ready, we’re gonna be late for Bobba’s tonight.”
“Bobba’s?”
She turns towards me rolling her eyes. “Yes, Bobba’s. You’re coming, remember?”
I shake my head and decide I am crazy because I have no idea what she’s talking about.
“Oh. I must’ve forgotten, sorry,” I lie.
She smiles at me. “That’s okay. Just get your ass in gear. We’re gonna be leaving soon.”
I sigh then grab my shower caddy and start for the door when I see Magda lick Jesse’s cheek for some reason.
I hear a moan escape her as she steps back. Gross!
He, of course, doesn’t seem to mind so he licks her neck in return.
“Fucking sick!” I say disgusted at their display of affection for each other.
They both laugh at me.
“You guys need to scratch that itch, already!” I yell as I leave to go to the bathroom.
I shake my head when I think about how I’m about to get ready for another night of pretending.
Weird…I could have sworn all this happened too. What the fuck? I am insane or maybe it’s just déjà-vu.
Three hours later I’m sitting on a bar stool at the bar watching my friends enjoy our last night as freshmen.
I am officia
lly a sophomore tomorrow. It should make me happy, but it doesn’t. It’s like my life has gone by in a blur and I have no idea how I got here.
I grunt and turn back around to avoid everybody glaring at me for not having as much fun as they are.
I tell the bartender to give me another Long Island to torture myself. I hate those things. They are not good, no matter what anyone says.
To make matters worse its couples’ night tonight or lovers’ or fuck buddies’ night—can’t remember which one. So that is great since I’m here all alone.
Ugh! Listening to all these sappy ass songs just make me think of the one person I’m supposed to have forgotten about already.
That thought makes me start to think that I really must be fucking crazy because everything that keeps happening seems like I’ve already done it or like it’s happening again.
I shrug because I can’t seem to figure it out.
As she places a new one on my coaster I hear all this commotion coming from behind me so I turn around and look to where my friends are and I see everyone huddled in a circle near the stage where a bunch of stripper-esque looking girls are dancing a little too close for their own comfort.
At the same time I’m looking over, I see Magda standing outside the circle and her face is as white as a ghost.
I start making my way towards the group and she catches my eye. Before I know it, she’s trying to get to me before I reach her but it’s impossible because of all the people surrounding her on the dance floor.
I keep seeing her open her mouth like she’s saying something but I can’t hear anything with everyone yelling.
I finally make it closer and as I am about to reach her, she grabs my hand and pushes through the crowd, dragging me with her towards the exit.
“What the fuck?!” I yell over Coldplay’s ‘The Scientist’.
She ignores me, so I pull my hand away to free it from her death grip.
She turns and glares at me. “Let’s get out of here, NOW! I’ll call Zac so he can come and pick us up,” she yells back with angry eyes.
I know at that moment that something serious is going on because she knows that Zac hates being at parties or bars or anything remotely considered “fun”. So he’s probably studying or sleeping.
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