The Bitter End

by Rue Volley

  “Who?” I asked him and he turned and leaned back on the seat.

  “No one, just a girl. In a bar, about 3 weeks ago.”

  I sat there and then turned to see the heart being broken up even more by the running water streaks through it and felt the same, as if I was watching my own heart. I tried to calm down and looked back towards him as he watched me closely.

  “Did you get paid?”

  He nodded to me.

  “I felt…I mean we were running low on money and you need things Beth, so do I.”

  “I just needed you, Ryan,” I said to him and he reached out to me and I moved away as he adjusted in the seat and pressed the button on the car to start it up.

  “I want to go home now,” I said to him and we drove away, no better than we had arrived.

  ****

  It is so funny how lights flicker on and off in the city. For example, a huge sign can have a million of them that make up a picture and if one goes out you can barely notice it unless you get up real close and study it. Small fractures making it imperfect as all things are when you linger long enough. People with OCD suffer so badly from this as they see cracks in everything, nothing is ever good enough, straight enough…pure enough. I had returned home that night and thrown my clothing away and immediately went shopping and replaced it all with white things. White shirts, white shoes, white pants, belts…hats. My whole closet looked like a fucking mental institution when I was done with it but for some reason all color had to go, everything in the penthouse too as I changed it all to white, all pure with no smudges of any kind on anything and if it did get scuffed as in shoes, plate…anything, it was then discarded and replaced with more white. I know Ryan thought I lost my fucking mind and perhaps I had. Who knows and why the fuck should he care really? I had stripped it all in one week along with Ryan’s dignity as best that I could.

  I stepped out of the bedroom and he stood there looking as miserable as I had made him with no expression on my face.

  “Ready?” I asked him and he nodded as we left and the driver was waiting downstairs by the curb. Ryan had tried to touch me in the elevator and I slapped him several times and he just let me until I stopped and straightened my shirt and jacket, letting my hand calmly rub the front of my white skirt and he adjusted his hair. I don’t let him touch me unless I say so and that is not often.

  I stepped out the car as Ryan held my hand and stared at all of the people in graveyard. I fucking hate this place. It stinks of failure in my opinion and reminds me of what could have been and not what is. We walked up the concrete steps that led to the black casket lined in gold and I watched as the priest started his ritual of bullshit, talking about the hereafter and all that. I never believed. It is not something my family handed down to me. In fact, I had been taught to believe in one thing and one thing only, me and my lineage, of which I was not having a hard time focusing on now. My father stood there all cold and hard as well as Miko beside him and two nannies holding my brothers who were growing quicker than I expected. Miko eyed us and then leaned over to my father who also looked and I did not care at this point. I mean Ryan was what to me exactly? I guess I could leave him to rot with me or I could set him free but what fun would that be exactly? My father walked up to us and stared Ryan down.

  “Why are you here?” he asked him and I spoke.

  “I asked him to come with me, Father.”

  Father looked at me and shook his head.

  “We had one stipulation, only one,” he said and I watched him without saying a word.

  “Dinner at 8,” he said to me as he glanced at Ryan and I nodded to him and then walked up to the casket and stared at it. I turned as Miko was dabbing the corner of her eye with her tissue and I smirked at her without even trying. I hate her too, always have, and what is the use of fucking hiding shit now? Holland is gone, as is Mother…Ryan might as well be dead too. I have nothing to fear of losing anymore and that makes me dangerous, as dangerous as my Father is and always has been. I am starting to understand what true power is.

  The priest started to talk about redemption and how graceful Holland was in life and I laughed under my breath and walked away, leaving my one true friend behind me forever. If she was truly graceful then what was I exactly? And redemption is just a way for people to control others, promising some bullshit happy ending. You make your own endings just as Holland has. She wasn’t thinking about me when she took whatever the fuck she was on. She was as selfish as the rest of them and for that she could rot for all I care. I only came for one reason, to wear white to a funeral and show my father that I do exactly as I want to, when I want, and with whom. I am positive he is only having me to dinner to berate me on Ryan and he will find out that Ryan can come or go but I am having fun as long as I can with him before he is stripped away with threats of poverty.

  Chapter Seventeen

  The Golden Crown

  I sat at the table as the help brought in our plates and I stared at the octopus on my plate with disgust. Fucking Miko loves to have this shit torment me. I swear to God she is a succubus from hell. I looked up and she grinned at me as she slipped some of the slimy shit into her mouth and chewed. I took a drink of my wine as Ryan sat next to me not eating. He was a wreck. I knew it and I cannot lie and say that I cared much. I mean, I had given to him what no one had managed to take yet, and that was loving someone completely, more than I did anything else in the world and I had no idea how much I did until he told me what had happened. I didn’t even ask for details, I didn’t need any. I knew and it played in my head constantly as I could imagine him stroking his cock and then slipping it into that bitch’s cunt, all wet and wanting. She probably hissed at first at the size of him as I had. He is larger than most but too bad his fucking brain did not match the size of his dick. She probably tried to kiss him and he held her hair tightly, wound in his hand, making her stick her tongue out to meet his as he fucked her harder and harder in some bathroom stall. I blinked as I heard the clinking on a glass and came back to my senses. Father rose up and stared at the table and then at Miko.

  “To the mother of my sons,” he said as he swayed on his feet a bit. He had been drinking long before we arrived and it was no surprise to me. His drinking had become constant since mother died and I could even smell it on him at Holland’s funeral. Miko toasted him back and looked at me. I grinned and drank without toasting, she can fuck herself.

  “It is a shame,” she said and I looked across the table at her as she placed her glass down and played with the rim of it with her golden fingernails.

  “What?” I said and she raised an eyebrow to me.

  “You really must speak up when you talk, Bethany.”

  I leaned back a bit and she went on.

  “Holland, tragic really. Such a beautiful girl. I know you were close to her, Beth.” She waited as if she was baiting me and I sighed.

  “People die, it is life.”

  My father clapped his hands and laughed and we all looked at him in confusion. He stopped and then waved his hand for us to go on like he was at a fucking play.

  “Yes, death is a part of life and life is a part of death.”

  “Deep,” I said as I took another drink and she watched me closely.

  “When I was young…”

  I held my hand up to her. “I know, you lived at palace with gold ribbons in your hair…” I started to say and she slammed her fist on the table and I jumped a bit and Father cleared his throat. I stared her down for a moment as she looked so angry a vein showed through on her forehead, she soon took a breath and then relaxed.

  “As I was saying. When I was very young, my Mother told me the story of a young woman who fell in love.”

  I stopped her and started to stand.

  “Sit!” She screamed at me and slowly sat down as Miko seemed a bit more angry than usual…she went on.

  “This is the legend of Liang Shanbo and Zhu Yingtai of the Eastern Jin Dynasty.

  Zhu Yingtai was
a beautiful and intelligent young woman, the ninth child and only daughter of the wealthy Zhu family of Shangyu, Zhejiang. Although traditions of that era discourage females from going to school, Zhu manages to convince her father to allow her to attend classes in disguise as a young man. During her journey to Hangzhou, she meets Liang Shanbo, a scholar from Kuaiji. They chat and feel a strong affinity for each other at their first meeting. Hence, they gather some soil as incense and take an oath of fraternity in the pavilion of a thatched bridge.

  They study together for the next three years in school and Zhu gradually falls in love with Liang. Although Liang equals Zhu in their studies, he is still a bookworm and fails to notice the feminine characteristics exhibited by his classmate.

  One day, Zhu receives a letter from her father, asking her to return home as soon as possible. Zhu has no choice but to pack her belongings immediately and bid Liang farewell. However, in her heart, she has already confessed her love for Liang and is determined to be with him for all eternity. Before her departure, she reveals her true identity to the headmaster's wife and requests her to hand over a jade pendant to Liang as a betrothal gift.

  Liang accompanies his "sworn brother" for 18 miles to see her off. During the journey, Zhu hints to Liang that she is actually a woman. She compares them to a pair of mandarin ducks, a symbol of lovers in Chinese culture, but Liang does not catch her hints and does not even have the slightest suspicion that his companion is a woman in disguise. Zhu finally comes up with an idea and tells Liang that she will act as a matchmaker for him and his "sister". Before they part, Zhu reminds Liang to visit her residence later so he can propose to marry her "sister." Liang and Zhu reluctantly part ways at the Changting pavilion.

  Months later, when Liang visits Zhu, he discovers that she is actually a woman. They are devoted to and passionate about each other and they make a vow of "till death do us part". The joy of their reunion is short-lived as Zhu's parents have already arranged for her to marry a man from a rich family called Ma Wencai. Liang is heartbroken when he hears the news and his health gradually deteriorates until he becomes critically ill. He dies alone later as a county magistrate.

  On the day of Ma and Zhu's marriage, mysterious whirlwinds prevent the wedding procession from escorting the bride beyond Liang's grave, which lies along the journey. Zhu leaves the procession to pay her respects to Liang. She descends in bitter despair and begs for the grave to open up. Suddenly, the grave opens with a clap of thunder. Without further hesitation, Zhu throws herself into the grave to join Liang. Their spirits turn into a pair of beautiful butterflies and emerge from the grave. They fly away together as a pair of butterflies and are never to be separated again.”

  I sat there a watery eyed and sniffed as I sat back and shook it off.

  “I am so sorry you lost your butterfly, Bethany.”

  I then stood up and looked at Father.

  “I need to be excused.”

  He waved his hand at me and I walked out quickly, closing the door behind me to the dining room and I kept my hand over my mouth as I started to cry. I could not help myself, the story could be for me and Holland, but it was also for Ryan. I did love Holland, I loved her more than I expected to feel, but Ryan had broken my heart. Holland tried to take it with her. Should I be happy that Ryan was here to stop me from throwing myself into the grave with her? I don’t know. I almost don’t care to know. I cannot bring myself to thank him for anything. I don’t know if I ever will.

  I stood up and wiped my eyes as I looked across the large entryway and saw my Father’s study door cracked open and I walked towards it, pushing on the large door and opening it up to his room. This was the only place in this house he had fully claimed as his own. It had rows of books high on the walls, sliding ladders flanking both side and an upper level with seating as if it was a fucking library and I guess that it is. Just as sterile and quiet as any you would find in the largest cities. I then spotted his ivory ashtray on his desk and approached it fingering at the smoothness of it and then dipping my fingertips into the ash and smelling it, closing my eyes and pretending to be five again. I turned when I heard the door close and the lock click and then saw Ryan standing there watching me as the fire in the large fireplace lit up the room in the color of yellow and gold.

  “You can leave,” I said to him and he started to walk towards me, ignoring what I said.

  “I said you can…”

  He grabbed me and held my arms out as he kissed me and I pushed on him. He let go and I slapped him once and then twice, on the third he caught my hand and held it to his heart.

  “You can hate me forever Beth, I will be right here, flesh and bone, not some fucking grave in China with butterflies and shit.”

  I shook my head and he stepped up close to me and I looked away.

  “I would die for you. I would fall into the grave, would you do the same for me?” he asked in a whisper and I said nothing to him, the tears on my face lit by the light of the fire. He rubbed his thumb on my cheek and caught some of my tears. “Beth,” he whispered and I said nothing. “Beth,” he said as he turned my face to look at him.

  “Tell me what I am to you.”

  “The end,” I said to him and he stepped back from me and stared in disbelief.

  “What?”

  “The end, Ryan. This is what I was destined to be, a soulless bitch, heir to an empire I could never control due to sexual orientation. I am not male and I always wished I had been. I felt like if I was a boy my father would have loved me above all others.”

  “He loves you, in his own way.”

  I laughed and placed my hands on my head.

  “Since when do you fucking know anything?” I yelled.

  “Since he became family, Bethany,” Father said as he stepped in and looked at me. I stared him down in disbelief.

  “Family?”

  “Yes,” Miko said as Father followed her and smiled.

  “Well look at this!” he said as he held a drink out and it sloshed in his glass, spilling onto the floor a little bit. He started to walk towards me, swaying back and forth and I watched him as Ryan and Miko did too.

  “Bethany,” he said as he stopped in front of me looked me over.

  “You look so much like your mother,” I took a deep breath as he turned and smiled at Ryan.

  “Just had to do it huh, Ryan? I mean nothing is enough for you is it?”

  Ryan remained silent and I looked at him waiting for anything to be said that could possibly make sense to me.

  Father turned back to me and grinned.

  “You have two beautiful brothers upstairs.”

  Miko stepped up and rubbed her temples. “Thomas, stop. You have had too much to drink. You should go to bed now.”

  He turned to her and pointed a finger at her.

  “You are a vicious whore, Miko.”

  “Exactly as you wanted Thomas, now go to bed.”

  “It was not arranged like that!” he screamed as he slammed his fist on the desk and everyone stood silent.

  “What is going on?” I asked and Father turned to me and touched my face. He looked older, tired, and I didn’t know how to take it and then he pulled me too him tightly and held me as I struggled a bit. He rubbed my hair and I looked at Ryan as he took a step towards us. Father pulled a gun from his pocket and placed it to my temple as I sucked in my breath and he held me still.

  “If she dies, and I die, everything dies…dies, dies,” he said and I started to cry as he clicked the gun in his hand.

  Ryan held his hands up and looked at my father calmly.

  “Thomas, you have had too much to drink and you need to sleep. Bed would be a great idea right now.”

  Father turned the gun on Ryan and grinned.

  “You, you fucking stain on society, defiling my name, my lineage, my daughter. You fucking perverted waste of my semen.”

  I suddenly felt ill, more so than any time in my life as Father hinted at something so horrifying it could not
possibly be true. Ryan could not be…he could not, there was no way. Miko laughed and stepped up in front of Ryan and stared my Father down.

  “Thomas, you are being dramatic. Ryan is not your son, he is the father of your sons.”

  Father let me go and started to sob, as did I. I looked to Ryan and he looked ill as Miko stood by him, a perfect pair of fucking snakes. Evil twins in a game to take everything we had. Father started to slam the gun against his forehead as he muttered my mother’s name and Miko watched him, as did I. He then slowly pointed the gun at Ryan again and smiled.

  “You can’t have my crown,” he said and I reached behind me and I still have no idea how I did it but I picked up his ivory ashtray and smashed it against his skull. He stumbled forward as the gun went off and I screamed. He then fell forward and twitched a bit before he lay still and I looked up as Miko swayed on her feet with a bullet hole in her head. She actually blinked and reached up to touch the hole, pulling her gold fingernails down and looking at the blood. She gave me one last smirk and dropped too as I dropped the ashtray to the floor and cried out as it echoed in the house.

  ****

  We buried Miko in the woods behind the house. The rain began half way through it and I sat next to the body wrapped in plastic as Ryan and the butler dug the hole. The staff was light that night, two maids and the butler so with checks written for substantial sums we buried her knowing that the story would be completed with no trouble at all on our end. Miko had left him, Father was distraught but since he had his head bashed in we could not exactly let the police show up and find him. There isn’t enough money to buy that story, not when I was suddenly the heir to this fortune and in the house.

  We then decided to place Father in the trunk of one of his many cars and make an accident happen. You know, they happen all of the time when people have been drinking and all, tragic and not unknown to happen. Especially in our circles, people die and life goes on. So we set out to finish what we started.