Hear Me Roar

by Katie Cross

  “Fifteen.”

  “Ten,” she shot back.

  “No,” I said. “That’s far too young. When Lizzy reaches twelve, I’ll renegotiate. That would put Lana at nine, but I’m willing to see how she’s been doing up to that point. They might be ready. If I don’t feel they are, it won’t happen.”

  Dad leaned forward. “You know we’ll get it, Julaine,” he said, not unkindly. “Judge Harcourt always rules with the mother, especially in cases that involve previous abandonment. She’s being more than reasonable here when we have proof that could leave him with nothing more than visitation.”

  Julaine pulled in a sharp breath and looked at Daniel. Daniel nodded once, lips pressed in a firm, unreadable line. She turned back to us, glancing at me first.

  “Then we accept.”

  I leaned back in my chair, feeling shaky. The idea of living for an entire week without the girls still didn’t feel right. Would it ever, though? Easing them, and me, into this new arrangement did.

  It wasn’t ideal. Sharing medical decisions made the hair on the back of my neck rankle. I still wanted to keep them all to myself, but that would be about me. Not them.

  Besides, I trusted Jade where I didn’t trust Daniel.

  Dad and Julaine fell into discussion as Daniel leaned over the desk, resting his elbows on the edge.

  “Why?” he asked.

  I hesitated. There were so many whys I didn’t know how to encompass all of them.

  “Because,” I finally said. “They need a father.”

  He leaned back in his seat, blinking rapidly. Jade beamed, lips trembling. Something flooded me. Relief, perhaps. A bit of fear. Maybe some disbelief that it had panned out this way. For the most part, however, it felt like moving on.

  Like self-care.

  Once the meeting disbanded twenty minutes later, Jade and Daniel immediately stood. Dad, expression unreadable, put a hand on my back, then quietly said, “I’ll give you a minute in the hall.”

  He and Julaine remained, conversing under their breath. After I stepped into the hall, feeling better once I was free of that room, I turned to face Jade and Daniel.

  For half a breath, Daniel and I stared at each other. I spoke first.

  “I know it’s not exactly what you wanted—”

  “It’s what’s best. And far more than you had to give.”

  To his credit, there wasn’t any animosity in his eyes. Maybe a sense of relief. He opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again.

  “Bitsy, I can’t tell you how much this—”

  “It’s fine, really,” I said, stopping him before it became awkward. “Listen, you’ve been the dead horse I keep beating when anything goes wrong. While you’ve earned my anger, you don’t deserve all of it. I’m going to work on it.”

  I couldn’t say the words I forgive you. Not yet. There was still a lot of emotion churning under that bridge. But we had a lot of cooperation ahead of us, and it wouldn’t happen—for the good of the girls—if I still resented him so deeply.

  There would be frustrations, disappointments, mediations, changes, and days where I probably regretted letting him into our lives. Dad wouldn’t agree—no doubt he’d tell me as much on the way home. But in the end, I knew that I’d done what was best. The girls would be happy, and a slow integration over the years would be best for them.

  And me.

  “We’ll need lots of advice,” Jade said. “I think it’s wise to start this process slowly. We’re ecstatic to eventually have the girls sleeping over one night per stay, but we’ll rely on you to tell us how to do that so it’s best for them.”

  I nodded. “Of course.”

  “And the private school is still in our sights, if that’s okay,” Daniel said. “They don’t have to be half living with us to make that happen.”

  “Thanks.”

  My once-pounding heart settled with a sigh. I felt open. Freed, a little. Another beat passed before I nodded. “Okay,” I said, “well, the girls will see you in a few days. It’s your weekend.”

  Daniel winced. “Will they speak to me?”

  “If you wanted to stop by, together, and explain what happened, I think that would go a long way. Maybe even a sleepover with root-beer floats would help restore their excitement.”

  Jade gave me a quiet smile. “Thanks, Bitsy.”

  I smiled, then turned to leave. Letting go of control felt like the highest form of self-care.

  Chapter 16

  My Kind of Woman

  “Room for one more?”

  I glanced up from my lawn chair in the backyard to see Jim standing behind the fence, everything obscured except his eyes. Overhead, the stars sparkled. I’d been sitting on the chair for almost an hour, letting my thoughts unwind. The girls were at Daniel’s for their first “official” overnight with Dad, even though we hadn’t yet gone before the judge to solidify the plan.

  Dinner had been a distant afterthought.

  “Sure,” I said.

  He held up a box. A TV dinner. “I’ve got two. Want me to warm one up for you?”

  My lips twitched. “Sounds delicious.”

  “I’ll give you the chicken one,” he said, glancing at the box. “The Salisbury steak isn’t as good. Give me ten.”

  Ten minutes later, Jim unhitched the gate to the backyard and walked up to me. He handed me a box, a fork, and a diet pop. “Diet,” he said, “for the woman who doesn’t enjoy the good things in life.”

  I snorted.

  He settled onto the other chair. Several minutes of companionable silence passed before he spoke.

  “Things settled around here?”

  “Mostly.”

  “Lana told me about the play. Sorry that happened.”

  My eyes tapered. “Maybe it was a good thing in the end.” Without going into too many details, I gave him a quick recap of the meeting with Julaine, Daniel, and Jade.

  He nodded once. “Good for you. You did what was best, not what they wanted. How’d it feel?”

  “At first? Not so good.”

  “And now?”

  I grinned. “Maybe it won’t be so bad to have a little time to myself.”

  He snorted and forked a piece of steak into his mouth. The chicken was dry and the gravy congealed, and the once-frozen veggies still had little pieces of ice in them. Clearly, Jim was new to this. A distant temptation to flip the box over and check out the calories flickered in my mind, but I dismissed it.

  To my surprise, it wasn’t so bad.

  “So,” Jim said, clearing his throat. “Cora keeps getting on my case to get back into dating, and she won’t stop talking about you.”

  I suppressed a laugh. “She’s a wise woman. Is she what spurred you on?”

  “She’s been trying for the last little bit.”

  “Must be pretty tough trying to get you to do something you don’t want to do.”

  “Never said I didn’t want to …” His gaze met mine. “So? You still want to go on that date?”

  I lifted my hands. “This doesn’t count?”

  “Even I know that this isn’t romantic.”

  I leaned my head back, chuckling. Even though light spilled onto the porch, I could barely make out his facial features.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” I drawled. “This isn’t so bad. A good introduction back into it for both of us, if you will. Besides, I’ve learned lately that I don’t really enjoy romance.”

  “No?”

  “Too sappy.”

  He tilted his head to the side in thought. “That’s a relief.”

  “We could always do take-out,” I said. “Sweet-and-sour chicken with fried rice is on my self-care list. I won’t tell you how long it’s been because you’d be appalled.”

  He pointed to me with his fork. “You’re my kind of woman, Bitsy Walker.”

  “Hear me roar,” I said with a grin, lifted my can of diet pop, and clinked it against his in salute.

  To: Janine Morgan

  Fr
om: Bitsy Walker

  Subject: Self-Care Day 40

  Janine,

  I don’t know that I’ve really pegged this down, but I do know what makes me feel less tired and happier with myself—and doesn’t drive me to my calorie counter. Here’s my list so far, but I still have some exploration to do.

  —Naps

  —Quiet time just thinking or staring. No talking.

  —A cup of tea in the morning before the girls wake instead of walking

  —Comedies. Not romantic comedies. Just comedies.

  —Cookbooks

  —Food that I don’t have to fix.

  Here’s a list of things that I’m going to try over the next couple of months while we transition to a new schedule with Daniel.

  —Go to a movie by myself.

  —Spend more time with my friends.

  —Try a girls’ night out.

  —Get a pedicure.

  —Buy an adult coloring book and really nice colored pencils that the girls can’t use.

  —Take my dad out to dinner.

  —Call my siblings more often.

  I know I still have a lot to learn about myself, but I know I’ve come a long way. Thanks for coming along with me. Thanks for guiding me.

  —BW

  To: Bitsy Walker

  From: Janine Morgan

  Subject: Re: Self-Care Day 40

  It’s been my absolute pleasure. I am so proud of you, and I know your Mom is as well.

  J

  Acknowledgments

  While finishing this book, I found something Brené Brown said in her stunning novel, The Gifts of Imperfection. “Practicing self-love means learning how to trust ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect, and to be kind and affectionate toward ourselves.”

  #speakitsister

  To me, this embodied what I wanted to say in Bitsy’s story.

  Writing Hear Me Roar required a special kind of magnifying lens on my own life: one I had to take seriously. More seriously than I had been taking it in the years after my weekly counseling appointments with an incredible woman named Ginger.

  The first time she asked me, “What do you do for self-care?” I stared at her with a blank expression on my face.

  “What does that mean?” I asked.

  She had a compassionate smile when she said, “You know what it means.”

  “I don’t,” I said, and meant it. “I mean, how do I take care of myself? Is that what you’re asking? Are you kidding? I have a husband who’s deployed all the time, a very small child, and two dogs that might be needier than the infant. Not to mention a business to run, a house to keep together, and exercise to maintain. Who has time for self-care?”

  Although a lot can be deduced from the words self-care themselves, I had no comprehension of how they applied to real life. What exactly did it mean to take care of myself? To practice self-care as she meant it?

  And did she have ANY IDEA how hard that was?

  The last two years have carefully played out just what those words have meant.

  I’ve learned a lot about myself and my self-care requirements in the process of figuring out what it did or did not encompass. Like the fact that self-care shifts—it’s not always the same. And it’s important. Really important. Bubbling indignation and frustration at my husband is my first sign that I’ve been slacking off on taking care of myself. Also? It’s no one’s responsibility but my own.

  That was a shocker.

  I hope that Bitsy’s story can give you more insight and courage to embrace—and discover—your own self-care. And by extension, your own sense of happiness.

  Hear Me Roar would never have come about without the workings of many, many people.

  Beta readers Tara, Darcee, Jennifer, and Kelsey not only helped me hone and refine some difficult characters but did it on a tight timeline so I could have Bitsy ready for the world before dealing with a newborn. Thank you.

  My production team, Catherine, Kella, Jenny, Carissa, Kathy, and Steve K, and all the others who have helped me create and distribute beautiful books. I adore you all.

  The ladies in the launch team: I look forward to speaking with you every single day on Facebook! Thank you for your encouragement, your efforts, and all your love.

  And husband. Who has patiently loved and worked with me while I figure out just what self-care means. And yes. A lot of it is hiking, mountain therapy, and having adventures, but let’s face it:

  Most of it has been food.

  #obviously

  About the Author

  Katie Cross grew up in the mountains of Idaho, where she still loves to play when she gets the chance.

  If she’s not writing, you can find her traveling, working as a nurse, trail running with her husband and two dogs, or curled up with a book and a cup of chai.

  To learn more about Katie, visit her website.