“Soon they leave,” Grulg slobbered.
“Where?”
“Grulg not care. Grulg only know they leave.”
“Well, that’s fascinating, but how...”
“I don’t think we can wait that long, Grulg,” Sally interrupted. She pointed at something in the middle of the Jahabich procession. I’d missed it at first, lost amongst the sea of living stone, but now I saw what looked like a head of hair peeking up from their ranks.
The procession stopped on the opposite end of the pool from the statue, about ten paces back from the edge. Their movement ended abruptly with no warning and the figure in the middle stumbled forward for a moment, clonking his head on the Jahabich in front of him. As he stepped back, I caught a momentary glimpse of his face. “It’s Ed.”
“In the flesh,” Sally said.
“What is an Ed?”
“He’s the one who took a shit on Turd’s tree. Remember?”
Grulg bared his teeth at that, but whether it was at my roommate or the mention of the Sasquatch chieftain, I wasn’t sure. Hmm, maybe that wasn’t the best scenario to jog his memory with.
“It’s got to be now,” Sally said.
“We wait. They leave soon,” Grulg countered.
“You asked if we were prepared to die. Well, we are, but we’ll die at a time of our choosing, not yours. You can either accept that or go fuck yourself.”
For a moment, I wondered if Sally had gone off the deep end after all, because she sure as hell seemed to have lost her mind. We were no longer under the protection the summit at the Woods of Mourning provided. Talking smack with a Sasquatch warrior was bound to result in them smacking back a lot harder.
Much to my surprise, though, Grulg actually grinned - I think. He turned to me. “Grulg see your mate still have much fire. Grulg think you will have many fine cubs together.”
“Uh...yeah.” I turned to Sally, but she just mouthed “not a word” back at me. Probably a smart strategy, all in all.
The two remaining Sasquatches growled something at Grulg that I couldn’t even begin to hope to understand, but he bared his teeth at them until they looked away. I didn’t know what had gone down, but I would have bet it had been because Grulg hadn’t immediately ripped Sally in half for mouthing off.
Finally, the ugly beast looked back at us. “Grulg can see that you will die well. So be it.”
Oh great, so that was two death sentences hanging over our heads. Seemed like we were collecting them like Pokémon cards as of late.
Screw that shit! My partner could trade threats with big hairy dirtballs all she wanted. All I knew was the target of our rescue mission was in sight. We would need to act fast, but how? We were surrounded, outnumbered, beaten, and bloody. There was little chance...
Hold on...bloody!
Glancing at Sally, I finally had an idea of how to hopefully get us out of this mess.
She’d had her brain scrambled by the reappearance of her boyfriend, but I had to trust that when I made my move, she would back me up. I turned to Miranda. “How are you holding up?”
“Pretty peachy. Thinking I might build a vacation home down here.”
I sighed. Guess she’d been hanging out with Sally a little too long. “Just be ready.”
“For?”
“Be ready,” I repeated, not wanting to raise suspicions among the wall of Jahabich still staring at us. As it was, any chance we had would already be slim as all hell.
“Look,” Sally said, pointing, “I think the show’s about to start.”
Sure enough, it seemed like that was the case. Mark and his goon squad had marched the prisoners, Brock at the forefront, to the glowing pool of muck - right in front of where the statue stood.
Mark stepped up to the towering effigy and bowed his head respectfully toward it, then began to speak - or at least I was pretty sure he was doing so. It was too low to hear, but I could see his jaw mov...
“The eyes of the mother smile at the gifts we have brought her.”
What the fuck? The voice erupted from everywhere around us as the Jahabich spoke in unison again like the world’s freakiest public address system.
Grulg noticed me jump, his lips splitting back into a hideous grin. “Funny t’lunta.” Dickhead.
Mark continued talking, and so did the Jahabich. If I had to guess, I’d say they were mirroring his words, like they were all connected via the rock monster equivalent of wi-fi.
“We welcome the newly risen. May they serve until they can serve no more.”
“Any idea what’s going on?” Miranda asked.
“No, but I get the feeling we’re about to find out,” Sally replied.
As Mark turned toward Brock, his body once more assumed the form of a Jahabich. Brock looked confused. His mouth opened as if to say something, but he was cut short as Mark savagely slammed his club arm into and through the vampire’s chest. Ouch.
I had just a moment to register the shock on Brock’s face before he combusted from the inside out. Mark immediately resumed his human guise - cupping his hands in the rapidly expanding shower of dust that had been my former sparring partner.
“What the fuck?”
With a handful of dead vamp in each fist, Mark turned and stepped toward the pool. He opened his hands and flung the ashes into the magma-looking suspension.
“What the fuck, indeed?” Sally asked, stepping up next to me. “Give me a boost. I want to watch.”
“What? No...go away.”
She ignored my protest and began to climb me like I was a human stepstool. She perched atop my shoulders like we were watching the fucking Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. So glad I could be her personal furniture. On the upside, there were far worse things to have pressing down on me than her firm ass.
“I always knew I’d eventually wind up with your legs wrapped around me.”
“Shhhh!” She smacked the top of my head. “Something’s happening.”
Sure enough, the calm waters of the pool began to churn, bubbling as the surface took on an angry red color, bathing the cavern in its new, bloodlike hue. Neat special effect, but a little cliché - albeit it was still more sinister than, say, turning green or sky blue.
The bubbling started to concentrate in one area of the pool. It began to move, as if something swam underwater - crossing to the opposite end where the rank and file waited with Ed stuck in the middle.
A head broke the surface. At first, I couldn’t see any details - it was far away and covered in red-orange goop - but then, the figure emerged more fully and the sludge began to drip away revealing...Brock?
“Okay, that’s a little weird.”
He was somehow whole again. As he stepped out of the pool, his flesh shimmered and the clothes he’d been wearing appeared on his body again.
“I thought when vamps died, they...”
“Shut up; I’m watching this,” Sally growled, reaching down and twisting my ear.
“Ow!”
Brock turned and faced his killer on the opposite shore.
Mark smiled and called out, “How do you feel?”
“I feel fine,” he replied. He reached down and touched his body, seemingly surprised to be alive. “Hell, in fact, I feel...argh!” Brock stumbled, losing his footing and going down to one knee. He reached up and grabbed hold of his head, opening his mouth as if to cry out.
“Don’t fight it,” Mark called back to him. “It’s easier that way.”
With that, Brock’s form changed - losing cohesion as his body melted away. His clothes disappeared, seemingly absorbed back into him, and his skin hardened and turned grey as he shrunk in on himself until the form of a Jahabich stood in his place. Its orange lantern eyes burned brightly for a moment before settling down into the typical hue of the monsters.
“How do you feel now?” Mark asked, an obsidian smile on his face.
The thing that had been Brock chuckled. “We feel good. We are ready to serve.”
“Holy shit,�
� I muttered.
“Oh my god,” Sally gasped from her perch. “These things are just like us.”
“What do you mean ‘just like us’? I don’t know about you, but I sure as shit am not made of rock.”
“No,” she explained. “It’s like what we do, but worse. Vampires turn humans into other vampires. These monsters can do the same thing...but it’s not just humans. Judging by the prisoners up there, these fuckers can make more of themselves out of just about anything.”
“That’s fucked up.”
“It’s worse than that. These things could infiltrate both sides of the war. They could destroy us from within and we’d never know until it was too late.”
Break Out
Sometimes I hate it when Sally's right. Mark next dragged some three-armed imp-looking thing from the crowd. Now that the prisoners knew what was in store for them, he didn't waste any time with ceremony. He simply snapped the creature's neck and tossed it into the orange slime. A few moments later, another Jahabich crawled from the other side, this one wearing the skin, and presumably containing the memories, of the creature it had somehow been born out of.
“That must have been what happened to Mark,” Sally stated, seemingly more to herself than anyone else.
“Wait, I thought you said you killed him.”
“I might have had a little help. If I'd known those things would have used his ashes, though...”
“Though what?”
“I'd have killed him and then maybe stuck around to finish those fuckers off too.”
“There's something to be said for being thorough.”
Speaking of thorough, I could either stand and watch this spectacle continue to play out - the Jahabich growing stronger with each victim - or I could do something about it. I doubted there would be a better time, and I sure as shit didn't want to wait around for whatever suicide pact Sally and Grulg seemed to have going on. “Sorry, doll, but it's time for Daddy to put you to bed.”
“What are you yammering abo...”
I tossed her off my shoulders and to the ground. Under different circumstances, I would've told her my plan, but I didn't trust her current state of mind. She could always thank me later if this worked...and, knowing Sally, by “thank,” I mostly meant cock-punch.
Before she could get up, I was upon her.
“What the hell?” Miranda cried, but I ignored it.
Using my superior leverage, I managed to pin Sally's arms above her head with one of my hands. There was no way I could hold her like that for long, so I couldn't afford to do this gently. Extending the claws of my free hand, I grasped hold of the ragged Kevlar she wore, as well as the shirt beneath it, and tore with everything I had.
The Sasquatches grunted in surprise as well as various other creatures. Apparently, my little attack hadn't gone unnoticed, but that was okay. If these fuckers were looking for a surprise, they were about to get one.
I ripped off a large swath of cloth from Sally's midsection, then scrambled backwards with my prize. The look on my partner's face was more one of shock than anything, even more so when I balled up the fabric, stuffed it into my mouth, and began sucking on it with everything I had.
* * *
Earlier, once it had become obvious the Jahabich had intended to capture us, I had purposely held back. Letting loose against these monsters needed to wait until we'd found Ed. Of course, it really hadn’t helped when they’d casually tossed our possessions to the side like refuse, including my last canteen. Then I remembered that Sally had been quite literally splattered with the mixed blood when the creatures had swatted her like a bug. We'd been locked up long enough for it to have dried to a disgusting crust on her, but thankfully, the laundry facilities had been sparse. I just had to hope that, even dried, it still had some bang to it and that I could work up the saliva to free enough of it to have an effect.
I will say, for the record, it was vile work. We'd spent several hours trekking through a filthy sewer, not to mention walking, climbing, and fighting enough to work up a good sweat. As I sucked down whatever I could, I made a vow that if we got out of this mess alive, I was gonna subsist on a diet of nothing but Tic Tacs and Listerine for the next week.
Sadly for me, my actions were drawing attention. Now the wall of Jahabich around us slowly turned their heads toward me. I guess interrupting their ritual was considered a social faux pas. Either that or they were wise to escape attempts.
There was also the wee issue that Sally was back on her feet, a generous amount of underboob showing on her chest, and a look of pure murder upon her face.
If this didn't work, I'd either have my balls torn off or find myself taking a nice long dip in a bubbling orange bath. Somehow, I had a feeling my Freewill exemption to compulsion wouldn't survive my rebirth as a granite-covered shit pile. No fucking way did I want that.
I swallowed hard, feeling something go down. At first, a wave of nausea struck me as whatever gunk from the sewer hit my digestive tract, but then, finally, came that burst of heat from my innards that told me it was time to do some damage.
I sensed the two Jahabich closest behind me step forward as volunteers for the crusted blood smoothie’s true test.
I stood and spun, quick as lightning, to face the beasts. They advanced upon me, but they might as well have been moving in slow motion as far as I was concerned. I stepped up, grabbed hold of the opposite sides of their heads, and brought my hands back together with everything I had.
Their noggins collided with a sound not unlike a pile driver hitting asphalt. They shattered, drenching my hands in globs of orange goo as they crumbled against each other. Eww, rock monster brains. At least it didn’t burn my arms off, proving my theory that the glowing goop inside wasn’t lava.
Now I just had to fight off several dozen more of them, grab my friends, and get the fuck out of Dodge. Piece of cake.
Oh well, I'd figure out the details later. For now, I opened my mouth to voice my defiance, only to be completely drowned out by something much louder.
The fuck?
I turned to see Grulg with his head tilted back and screaming the most god-awful sound I think I'd ever heard. Even with my amped up powers, I was half certain I'd piss myself.
And that's when all Hell broke loose.
* * *
I wasn't sure whether Grulg was congratulating or condemning me with his horrific death cry, but interestingly enough, it turned out to be neither.
“NO!”
The cry rose up simultaneously from all the Jahabich gathered. I swear these things were the fucking Fred Flintstone version of the Borg.
Just as suddenly, all of their heads turned toward the far corner of the cavern. I craned my neck and realized what Grulg had just done. It hadn't been a war cry; it had been a signal.
The Sasquatch they'd taken out for swimming lessons had broken free from his guards, knocking them to the side with its massive fists. Before Mark could intercept, it raced back behind the marble statue. There came a loud groan, although whether from it being torn loose from its moorings or from the collective Jahabich, I wasn't sure. Mark dove to the side, his survival instincts apparently trumping whatever radio control he was under. As he did, the statue tumbled over into the pool of orange nastiness.
It didn't take a genius to see this was not cool in our captors’ book, but that was fine with me. I didn't need to watch to know the Sasquatch in question was doomed, but I sure as shit could make use of his sacrifice.
I stepped over to Miranda and shattered the chains on her wrists. “You ready to dole out some revenge?”
Confusion reigned on her face for a moment, but a predatory smile quickly replaced it as a red glow slowly emanated from her. “I was born ready.”
“Good, Sal...” I stopped, though, when I saw that my partner was stepping toward where Grulg towered over his side of the wall.
“Grulg,” she said. “Are you ready to die?”
“By she-t'lunta's side, if great beasts so
will it,” he growled.
What the?
“I offer truce per Humbaba Accord. You accept?”
“I swear by the First,” she replied.
Apparently, that was good enough for Grulg because he grabbed two of the distracted Jahabich and threw them like they were made of balsa wood instead of stone.
I just stared for a moment, my mouth agape, but Sally turned and said, “What? Great minds think alike.”
“This is what all that 'ready to die' shit was about?”
“Duh.”
“Why didn’t you say anything to me?”
“We needed to speak in code because the walls quite literally have ears. Besides, we’re probably going to die anyway, so it really wasn’t a lie. Now, do you want to get the fuck out of here or should we sit on our asses and debate this some more?”
I smiled back at her and simply said, “Chaos is the name of the game,” knowing she’d almost certainly take the hint.
The two monsters whose heads I crushed had left a gap in the fence that the others, their attention still focused on the bath their beloved statue was taking, hadn’t filled yet. I barreled out between them into the open, with Sally and Miranda following close behind. Grulg and the two Sasquatches with him continued to toss their jailers about. I was about to shout for them to follow us, but then saw their throws were purposeful, aiming Jahabich at Jahabich, knocking holes in the walls of the other pens.
I had no idea whether most of the creatures in this hell hole were friend or foe - probably the latter, knowing my luck - but I was willing to bet most of them would be more interested in either running for their lives or taking a chunk out of their tormenters than anything else.
It was a good strategy, so I decided to steal it as I barreled toward Ed’s location. Every couple of steps, I would stop and coldcock a Jahabich from behind. Under normal circumstances, this would’ve done little more than break my fist. It still probably did, but my healing took over almost immediately and my blows had a lot more force behind them.
The Sasquatch that had knocked over the statue was leading our foes on a merry chase of hit and run. The other prisoners in his group, seeing what awaited them, were quick to revolt as well. Unfortunately for them, the column of rock monsters on the opposite shore began to march forward. Bad for them, good for us, though.
The Tome of Bill (Book 6): Half A Prayer Page 16