Choices

by Annie Brewer

  “Oh, you’re awake.”

  “Hey mom.” My mother enters and stands by my side. Carter steps back, giving us space. I glance at him and smile a silent thank you. “Where’s daddy?”

  “He’s in the waiting room, entertaining Meg and Mason. Or they might be entertaining him.” She laughs and takes my hand. “How are you feeling?”

  “Terrified, mama. She is early. What if something goes wrong? So many things can happen. I didn’t plan this part very well, I’m so not ready.”

  “I think it’s a little late for that, don’t you think?” I ignore her comment, focusing on a contraction that seems to be coming quicker now. It’s about time. I’m ready to meet her, just scared.

  “Okay Gracie, are you ready?” Dr. Banks enters the room putting her elastic gloves on. They help me into a wheelchair. Carter’s behind me, pushing me out the door. He takes my hand with one of his which helps calm my erratic nerves.

  “I want both Carter and my mother in the room. I need them both.” My doctor nods in approval. In the hall, I see my dad. He gets up from the chair and kisses me on the head, wishing me good luck right before I’m wheeled into the delivery room. It’s very similar to the one I was just in but there is equipment used for delivering babies. I get a chill from the air conditioner and the fact that my gown is slightly opened. I climb onto the bed, having another contraction. Wow, I wanted to experience the miracle of life. What the hell was I thinking? I’m starting to regret that decision, but the idea of a needle being injected into my spine makes me want to vomit. I’ll take the pain, even if I yell and scream.

  “Okay, spread your legs and I’ll drape this cloth over you.” I spread my legs and feel a waft of air hit my vagina. Dr. Banks sits down in front of me and I feel a bit exposed, even though she’s my doctor and she’s seen plenty of girls’ girly parts. I pay no attention to it though and prep myself for an experience of my life. Another contraction comes and this one is more intense, I scrunch my face up, closing my eyes and moan. I do my breathing as Carter rubs my back and the pain intensifies. “You’re doing great sweetie. Just breathe, keep breathing.” I hear my mother somewhere, she sounds far away, even though she is next to me holding my right leg out.

  “Okay Gracie, let’s start pushing.” My doctor tells me.

  “Is it too late for an epidural? I really need one. God, why was I so stupid? Shit!” I’m pushing, sweat breaking out all over my skin probably running my makeup. My hair is a mess now, sticking to the sides of my face. I can’t worry about that now though. I want to hit somebody. Is violence a normal thought among pregnant women?

  “Okay, Gracie I’ve got you. You can do this. Let’s welcome that sweet Kylie to the world.” Carter says soothingly with a wonderful smile on his face. I try to smile back but at this point, nothing will make it happen. I almost jump off the seat trying to push.

  “God, how the fuck did I make such a stupid decision? Drugs, I need drugs! Oh God help me, get this baby out.” I yell. Carter grabs my left leg to hold it in place.

  “Do you want a mirror to see the baby as it comes? Some women are curious to see their baby at this part.” Wow, no way. I’d probably flip the hell out seeing all that blood and stuff. I shake my head, leaning back against the pillow. I don’t know if I can make it. Seriously, I don’t know how much strength I have left. I sit back up and move closer to the edge of the bed and begin pushing again. I can barely breathe as sweat breaks out on my skin in all the wrong places. Tears run down my cheeks, not even realizing I’m crying. I’m a weepy mess, as usual.

  As I brace myself and grab both of my legs, spreading them as wide as they’d go, I feel another whoosh of air against my skin. I close my eyes, blocking out all the voices around me as I push so it’s only me in the room. The sounds escaping my throat are none too pleasant. “It hurts, I can’t do this. It hurts, please give me something.” I wonder how she is going to get out of me. I’m not that big and I’m scared she’ll tear me down there. I feel Carter move behind me and start rubbing my back.

  “Breathe Gracie, just breathe. I hate to sound like a broken record, but you need to repeat this over and over. Breathe, you’re doing great. You can do this.” I try to smile but it’s strained.

  “Sweetie, you can do this. Just think when it’s over you‘ll finally be holding your baby girl. You’re almost there. You’ve come this far.” I don’t hear her as clearly as I should, since I’m more concentrated on the doctor and nurse’s feared expression as they whisper back and forth.

  “What’s wrong doctor? “ She nibbles on her middle fingernail, nervously before meeting my eyes and straightens up.

  “You need to push harder Gracie. It seems the umbilical cord is wrapped around Kylie’s neck. We need to get her out quickly or it will cause serious problems and may result in emergency C-section. Push as if your life depended on it.” I gape at her. It’s not my life on the line, it’s hers. Panic settles in my bones and I can feel my face lose all color, drained. Shit, I’ve got to work my hardest. I’ve got to save my baby. My throat dries up and my chest seizes, I can’t breathe. I can’t hear anything either. It feels like my ears are ringing, causing more pain. I concentrate on my erratic heartbeat and the fact that Kylie is depending on me for her survival. Tears of fear are blurring my vision. I take a deep breath and get into position. Let’s do this!

  “Let’s get her out.” I say, as calm as I can muster.

  “Okay Gracie, on three..” I close my eyes and ask God to help me and give me the strength I need to save my angel. I can’t lose her now that I’ve gotten to know her. “One…two…three.” I force every single muscle I have to work together and push with so much force, I’m afraid my body will break. I let out a scream and take a breath.

  “Okay, she’s coming. One more big push, you can do it.” Tears stream down my disgusting face and I have to keep the sobs from escaping my throat. I can cry later.

  “Come on Kylie, we’re a team remember? You and me. I want to hold you, look into your eyes, witness your innocence and hear your beautiful voice.” I take another deep breath as I’m speaking to her, pleading as my voice chokes up when I say “please” as the last push forces almost knocks me off the bed. Carter steadies me, lightly caressing my skin everywhere he can. I’ve heard him every so often chanting soothing words of encouragement in my ear. I’m thankful that’s he been here, by my side but not overcrowding me. I glance at him and give a small smile as the last push; the doctor catches her as she’s finally out.

  I fall back against the pillow, completely spent and exhausted. Sweat cakes my skin and I can smell my god awful odor. I hear my mother’s cry, thankful happy tears of course. The nurse cleans her but I become frantic when I still don’t hear her cry. Why isn’t she crying? Was I too late? My heart beats so fast, I have to take a breath before asking what’s going on. Carter rubs my arms but I’m too upset to acknowledge him beside me. Why isn’t she crying?

  “Where is she? Why isn’t she crying?” My eyes are full of tears and I can’t distinguish any of my emotions anymore-they’re everywhere. Damn hormones.

  “She’s fine. She will start-“ Before the nurse can finish her sentence I hear the most amazing sound I could ever imagine. She turns around with Kylie lying face down as she cleans off her body. Once she’s clean, she swaddles her in a pink blanket and places her in my outstretched hands. A sob of relief breaks through and I rock her gently until she quiets.

  My vision is a little blurry through my tears of exhaustion, pain and solace. I look down at my sweet Kylie’s face. She’s perfect with a tiny nose that’s not too big or too small, eyes that are closed but probably a mix between brown and blue, maybe gray. Her fist is near her little mouth and I stick my pointer finger through her enclosed hand and she holds onto it. I want to see her eyes but they remain closed. I see her veins, visible through her skin. She’s got some hair on her head, and I can tell it will be a light brown, dark blonde. She’s perfect in my arms. I hold her tight to my che
st, wiping my tears away. The world has melted away and it’s just her and me. I rock her some more but she’s already asleep. Within minutes, my rocking slows down as I feel my eyes getting heavy. I feel Kylie slip from my grasp and my eyes fly open, afraid I fell asleep and dropped her, but I sigh in relief when I see Carter taking her, or trying to. I instinctively act protective and try to take her back.

  “I was just going to give her to the nurses so they can watch her while you got some sleep.” He kisses my forehead and I recoil-he flinches.

  “I’m sorry, I just..I didn’t.” I lose my composure and start crying. I hate losing control.

  “Cassie warned me you would be weepy once she was born. It’s okay, your hormones and emotions are still out of place. You need sleep.” I frown, sniffling and nod in agreement. I need a week’s worth of sleep. The last two months I’ve been sleep deprived due to discomfort and my sore back. I had Charlie horses in my left leg at night and my breasts ached when I put pressure on them.

  “Thank you Carter, for everything.” He takes my hand and kisses my palm, eyes still locked on mine.

  “Don’t thank me just yet.” He grins and even though I am curious what that statement means, I am too tired to ask. A yawn escapes my mouth so I rest my head back on the pillow and close my eyes.

  It’s funny; I spent the last nine months preparing to welcome my baby girl into the world. Even though, it was hard and emotional. I was ready to meet her and hold her and love her. But as she had been taken to the nursery, I wanted her back in my arms, in the warmth I provided for her, under my protection but most of all, back in the safety of my womb-away from harm. At least in there she was safe. I may have been judged and ridiculed for being a pregnant teenager, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

  Two weeks later, I’m sitting at my desk, preparing for my graduation ceremony tonight. We moved into an apartment about ten minutes from my parents’ house. Carter wanted a place we both picked out together. The big surprise was the nursery Carter fixed up. The room is pink and purple, all nice dark wood furniture. For now, she sleeps in our room in her bassinette beside our bed. I don’t like having her too far from me, even with the baby monitor.

  I tried going to Nick’s house and tell him he has a daughter, but his mother answered the door, stating he had already left for California the day after the dance. He’d left without saying goodbye, which appeared to me that she was satisfied that her son was gone and I was not. I wanted to punch her in the face, but I kept my cool in front of her, only breaking down in the car on the drive home. It really hurt that he left so sudden with no warning. Didn’t I mean anything to him? He did say he was leaving soon, at the dance he said that. But I didn’t think he’d make that move with no word. I was having his fucking baby and he’s gone. I take out my journal to enter my last entry because I don’t plan on writing anymore.

  Dear Journal,

  Tonight I walk the stage, walk toward my future. I moved in with Carter and I had my baby girl; which she weighed almost 8 pounds and luckily she didn’t tear me. I can’t express the joy and happiness I feel at not only completing high school in the midst of everything else but also becoming a mother. I’m loving motherhood so far and Carter has been the answer to my prayers. I start school in the fall, college that is. I’m nervous but excited. I’m not sure what I want to do yet, but I know I have so many options available. Carter helps me with Kylie so I know she’ll be taken care of. After today, I’ll start a new chapter in my life, a chapter that I’m more than excited to share and experience with the love of my life. I hope I don’t trip on the stage. It was fun writing down my thoughts and at times, it helped express my feelings at the time. But now I think I’m old enough to do without a journal. Thanks for listening all this time. It’s been great.

  Gracie

  I put my pen down and read it all over before satisfied; I put it back in my drawer. I’ll look back and feel proud for how far I’ve come.

  “You ready to go, my graduate?” Carter asks from behind me. I stand and nod.

  “I’m not a graduate yet.” He slides his arms around my waist, pulling me against his chest. It’s been two weeks since we’ve been intimate, right before I had Kylie. I’ve just been too tired. But he’s been patient and understanding. I kiss him, wrapping my arms around his neck.

  “Your parents are going to meet us there but you are needed early. I’m going to put Kylie in the car.” He starts to pull away but I stop him, staring into his eyes, I can see my future, everything I want.

  “I love you Carter. Thank you, for everything.” I kiss him deeply, like I never want to stop. His hands glide up and down my back. I feel lost and I don’t want anyone to find me. He reluctantly pulls away and my eyes flutter open, a little disappointed.

  “I should be thanking you. My life never felt complete until the day you walked in, stealing my breath and my heart. I knew I wanted you and despite everything that’s happened, I wouldn’t change it, any of it. You make my life worth living.” Tears fill my eyes, remembering when we first met and what a mess I was. How he still found me beautiful even when I was a basket case. It makes me realize that some choices are easier than others, he was my choice. Even though I wouldn’t have gone through with an abortion, Kylie was my choice. They were the best choices I ever made.

  I lean in and whisper in his ear, “My parents are taking Kylie for the night. We have the night to ourselves. We can show each other our appreciation the appropriate way.” He wiggles his eyebrows and grins.

  “Consider it a deal and a hell yes, I’m there. But right now, you need to get your diploma, my smart girl.” He kisses me again and then smacks my butt. I giggle.

  “Hey, you can’t do that. That’s teasing.” He walks backwards, smiling. “I’ll be in the car. Love you.”

  I love him. I love Kylie. I love how sometimes; life can really throw you a curveball. But even though the choices we make can have an impact and consequences, it doesn’t mean it has to be a bad thing. Sometimes the choices we make can be the best thing that ever happened to us. They can be worth every tear, every laugh, and every smile because when it’s all said and done it’s the ones that make life worth living that really matter.

  About the Author

  Annie Brewer leads several lives. At home she's a caring mother of two with a heart of gold. Online, she's a best friend to several and puts a smile on her many fans every time she utters a word. In her own world, she's a dreamer. But the biggest part of her is made of books, books, and more books. It's not a surprise she's turned out to be such a talented young author. Some of her many hobbies include reading, drooling over Ian Somerhalder, Channing Tatum,and Christian Grey (etc.), reading, reviewing, reading, watching Vampire Diaries, reading, and last but not least WRITING like a maniac. She currently resides in Texas, where she dies of heat-strokes every few seconds, with her many books and book-boyfriends, and her two adorable little girls.

  Contact me at:

  anniebrewerwrites.com

  Books Coming Soon

  Sacrifices (Choices #2)

  When Tragedy Strikes (A Novel)

  For the Record