Nature of Ash, The

by Hager, Mandy

  There’s one other thing that’s really disconcerting about her. She doesn’t look at Mikey — and I mean Not At All. Her gaze just skips right over him, and she’s nearly as bad with Jiao. Instead, she’s focusing on Travis, who’s so uncomfortable his ears have turned bright red.

  ‘So how do you know Ashley?’ she asks.

  He shoots me a nervous look. I bite my lips together, hoping he gets the hint. ‘Through other friends,’ he says. He helps himself to a big slice of bread slathered with honey and shoves it in his gob so he won’t have to speak. Slick move.

  Mum turns to me. I look down at my cup. ‘Have you left school yet?’

  ‘Of course.’ I follow Trav’s lead and stuff my mouth with bread.

  No one speaks.

  Mikey may not understand exactly what’s going down, but he’s obviously not happy. He’s like a thunder cloud. He nibbles on his bread, his eyes tracking from Mum to Ray. I need to get him out of here before he throws a fit.

  ‘Is there somewhere we can wash?’ I ask. God knows what they’d call a bathroom here, given the state of the dunny, but any excuse will do. The poor kid’s still wearing his pissy pants.

  Mum nods, her face lighting up as if she thinks I’m softening. ‘There’s a swimming hole just through the far side of the trees. Ray can show you the way.’

  ‘You don’t have a bathroom?’ Jiao asks. Mum shakes her head. ‘What about in winter?’

  Mum shrugs as Ray lets rip with a mocking snort. ‘You townies wouldn’t last a day out in the bush alone.’ He slaps his chest, the sound reverberating like a gunshot. ‘Harden up.’

  I lean over towards Jiao and lower my voice. ‘Why don’t you and Trav take Mikey down?’ I roll my eyes towards Mum, then back to her. ‘I’ll meet you down there soon.’

  She nods. Pastes on a cheesy smile. ‘Come on, Mikey! Let’s go have a swim!’ She pushes herself out of her chair and pats him on the head. ‘Race you down!’

  Mikey takes the bait. He snatches up another piece of bread. Leaps up so fast he nearly knocks the teapot off the table. ‘Can’t catch me-e!’ He dashes out the door, with Jiao laughing nervously behind.

  Ray gets up to leave too, and Travis looks at me, an eyebrow raised. I bro-brow back. ‘Yeah, right.’ He turns to Mum. ‘If you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go as well.’ So goddamned polite. Jeannie would be proud.

  For a few minutes after everyone has left, there’s total silence. Mum dusts some crumbs off the table into her palm, then tips them into her empty cup. I sip my tea. A band is clenching around my gut, squeezing ever tighter. In the distance a little kid squeals, then starts to cry.

  ‘You know you broke his fucking heart?’ I can’t help myself. It bubbles up.

  ‘You’d be surprised,’ she snaps. She sweeps a shaky hand across her brow. ‘I never meant to hurt him.’

  ‘Really? You ditch him with a newborn Downs baby and a toddler, and you let him think you’re dead. How can that not hurt?’

  ‘I thought you’d all be better off without me.’ She lines up spilt sugar crystals with her finger.

  ‘Oh yeah? You could’ve just divorced him. You didn’t need to put him through that kind of shit — or us.’

  Something changes in her face for just a moment. It hardens. Then dissolves away. ‘Listen, Ashley. You don’t understand, okay? Your father chose his path and I chose mine. I’m sorry that you suffered but —’

  ‘Yeah? And what about Mikey? He’s your son as well. Don’t you care how hard that’s been for Dad and me?’

  ‘He shouldn’t have been born,’ she says.

  ‘What?’

  She springs to her feet and starts to roam the room. Picks things up. Stares at them blankly. Puts them down. Makes a big deal of taking calming breaths. Turns back to me and rests her hands on the table, leaning over towards me. ‘Okay. Enough of this. Why did you really want to find me?’ It’s like a new person has slipped into her skin.

  ‘I want your help,’ I say. I need to get this over with, so we can get the hell away. She may have given birth to me but I can not relate to her in any way.

  ‘What kind of help?’

  ‘To rescue Jiao’s parents.’

  She sits down with a bang. ‘Why the hell would you expect me to help a bunch of Asians?’

  ‘Because I’m asking you. Because you owe me fucking heaps.’

  Her mouth works like she’s chewing, then she drops her head into her hands. The woman who emerges has changed gears again. She smiles. ‘Okay. Tell me more.’

  I fill her in on everything I know, all the time carefully scanning her face. Not that I can read it. She’s like a changing hologram: just when I think I’ve nailed one expression, it fades away to be replaced by something else.

  ‘An interesting proposition. I’ll talk it over with Ray.’ She waves her arm, dismissing me. ‘Why not go and have a swim? We’ll speak later.’

  I’m at the doorway when she calls me back. ‘My mother, Ashley. How is she?’ There are tears skimming across her eyes.

  ‘She’s lost her marbles. Dad set her up in a good rest home. Paid for it all on his own. He never deserted her.’

  I don’t wait around for a response. I storm past Ray, who’s now back out on the veranda whittling on a piece of wood. The bastard has been listening the whole fucking time. He smirks and points towards a path that cuts through the trees on the other side of the clearing. I take it at a jog. I wish to god I’d never tried to find her.

  Other members of their community are out and about now, but I don’t even look at them, just run into the trees and veer off until I’m completely on my own. God damn her. I scoop up a fallen branch and start to thrash it against a tree. Smash it. Throw all my weight into each blow. What. Bang. The. Bang. Fuck. Bang. Is. Bang. Going. Bang. On? Bang. The branch shatters but I’m not nearly ready to give up. I find another and beat the crap out of it as well. And then another. And another. Anything, to stop the shit that’s poisoning my brain. My arm and back muscles scream. My heart gallops like a runaway horse. I’m so confused. I don’t know who to trust, or what the hell to do.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  BY THE TIME I’VE FINISHED my macho shit-head routine, I’m totally exhausted. I drop down to my haunches and rest my forehead in my palms. My muscles scream but, trust me, that’s exactly what I want. Anything to block the bullshit in my brain. I’ve never been able to control these rages when they hit — one of the reasons school was such a nightmare. The worst part was the kids there used to wind me up by teasing Mikey, just to get me into trouble when I blew my stack. Moonface … Retard … Mutant Mikey … Pissy Pants … they hurled every shithouse insult their tiny brains could conjure up.

  I breathe in deep, yogi-style, but the million questions pinging round inside my head refuse to shift. I chase them down the track and find a wide horseshoe of shingle cupping a perfect swimming hole, overhung by massive nikau palms and ferns. Mikey and Travis have gone exploring down the river, hoping to find somewhere it might intersect a road. Jiao basks on the hot shingle in her sodden shirt and jeans. Makes sense, I guess. How else are we going to wash our clothes? I hook my stash of money out of my undies and drop it down beside her, then fling myself into the centre of the river in a Travis-style bomb.

  The sun shoots shafts of light between the trees that penetrate the skin of water, the rays spotlighting the landscape down below. It’s so silent below the surface. So calm. Removed from all the crap and pain. It’s tempting to stay down here. The ultimate escape.

  Back in the air, gasping, I realise I don’t really want to die. I just need something to take the ache of losing Dad away. It’s so much worse since finding Mum.

  I haul myself out and flop down on the shingle beside Jiao to dry off. ‘You okay?’

  ‘Yep. What about you?’

  ‘Box of fluffy ducks.’

  She rolls her eyes. ‘That’s believable.’

  ‘I told her about your parents. She said she’d talk to Ray.’


  ‘Wow. Okay … Thanks.’ She scoops up a pebble and rocks forward to toss it into the river. ‘So what do you make of her?’

  I shrug. ‘Buggered if I know. She’s either crazy, abused by Ray, or else she’s just a total bloody weirdo. Not great choices.’

  ‘Does it feel strange?’

  ‘What do you think?’ Now it’s my turn to throw a stone, only mine’s a big bastard that thumps on to the opposite bank. ‘She told me Mikey should never have been born. What kind of mother says that?’

  ‘It sounds like the kind of thing my so-called foster mother at the boarding house would say.’ She sits up. ‘Hey, listen, if we take off after Travis and Mikey now, we might be able to find help.’

  ‘It’s tempting, but if this pack of thugs can help rescue your mum and dad, we have to give it a go. Besides, there are far too many unanswered questions to scarper right now.’ I stretch out and drape my arm across my eyes — hoping she understands the universal sign for Leave me be.

  What really shits me is Mum’s implication that someone on our side killed Dad. What if I’ve played into their hands? It wouldn’t worry me so much if it was just some paranoid theory of Mum and Ray’s, but wasn’t this what Dad referred to in his letter too? Something about how the people at the top will do whatever’s necessary to hold on to their power … What if the authorities know that Mum is alive and part of Muru, waiting for the chance to flush her out? Anything’s possible. I’m starting to fair crap that Jeannie and Lucinda are in on all this too.

  I spend the next two hours fretting that Trav and Mikey still aren’t back. What if one of these crazy hillbillies has caught them snooping somewhere they don’t belong? I’m dragging on my shoes to go in search of them when they finally appear.

  ‘Where the hell have you been all this time?’

  ‘Sorry,’ Trav says, looking sheepish. ‘We got caught up building a dam.’

  ‘We’ve been hijacked by a pack of violent terrorists and you’re playing with stones?’

  He shrugs, as if to say, Screw you. ‘I thought you could do with the break.’

  Shit. ‘Fair enough. Chur, bro.’ I offer him my hand to shake, just in case he thinks I’m being sarky when I’m not. ‘Did you see any sign of a road?’

  ‘Nothing, eh. The river just winds into the middle of bloody nowhere.’

  Now Mikey moans so much about his empty stomach we have to head back to the huts. There are half a dozen women sitting around, and heaps of noisy little kids. They watch us but don’t smile or say a word — just glare at Jiao.

  ‘Another happy welcoming committee,’ she mutters.

  ‘Don’t worry. Big Bro’s here!’ I put an arm around her shoulders, my cheeks burning with the knowledge that it’s only a few days since I was just as hostile towards her as these people here. I feel her relax.

  There’s no one in Mum’s hut, thank god, so Jiao and I throw together lunch from all the bits and pieces in my pack. We’re cleaning up when Mum comes in, carrying two freshly baked loaves of bread. Mikey frowns and folds his arms across his chest. Can’t fault his reading of her vibes.

  She looks straight at me, ignoring the others. ‘We’re going to head across country to recce Niúni Farms. You lot wait here.’

  ‘No, we won’t,’ I say. ‘You either take us with you or get us back to Monica’s camp.’

  ‘No, Ashley, we need to travel incognito.’

  ‘Perfect! We’re all just one big happy family. What can be more natural than that?’ I give my sarcasm full rein. The bitch shows no emotion at all.

  Instead, she walks over to the doorway and stares outside. Taps her fingers on the rotting frame. Turns back. ‘Okay. You’ll come with us. But keep them under control.’ She waves her hand towards the others but doesn’t look at them. ‘We’ll leave at dusk.’

  Bloody hell. There’s no turning back now. I’ve set something in motion that’s either really stupid or really brilliant — it’s impossible to know until it’s too damn late.

  Left to our own devices, we muck around down at the river and try to put our nerves, and questions, on the backburner. I think I’m doing okay until late afternoon, when we return to the clearing to find it fair bursting with people. Reality kicks back in. A group of heavily tattooed thugs — the kind of pricks who look like they still hanker after Adolf Hitler — are deep in discussion outside the next-door hut. Even more alarming are the two knobs in camouflage gear and sunglasses. It never bloody occurred to me the members of Muru would all be white. I always assumed they were fighting for Maori sovereignty, but their anti-Asian stance makes way more sense now I see them gathered here. These are the kind of white-trash goons you see mugshots of on TV, Most Wanted scrolling underneath.

  They’re silent as they watch us file past. Ray is at their centre, a little smirk twitching the corner of his mouth. It looks as if he’s firmly in control. When I catch his eye he bro-brows me. I don’t respond. I have to focus all my energy on Mikey. He’s picking up the vibes and starting to mutter like he’s going to implode. He’s hungry again and tired — the perfect recipe for meltdown, right when I need him to pull his head in the most.

  ‘Want home,’ he whines, and pokes his tongue out at some scrawny kid who’s swinging off his father’s knee. Here we go.

  ‘Well, that’s lucky!’ I say. Polly-bloody-Anna has nothing on me. ‘We’re heading off from here tonight!’

  ‘Want home now.’ His bottom jaw thrusts out so far I could erect a tent on it.

  ‘Mikey, old mate.’ Travis hooks his hand around Mikey’s arm. ‘Let’s you and me sneak some of Grace’s bread, then work on our surprise.’

  In goes his jaw. Out pop his eyes. ‘Surprise?’

  Trav holds a finger to his lips and winks at him. ‘Shhhhh. We don’t want them to know. C’mon!’ They rush into the hut, leaving Jiao and me to follow. It’s so embarrassing, the way our little act has played out under the calculating gaze of Ray and all his dodgy mates. We pack our gear while Travis and Mikey demolish half a loaf of bread. They whisper and giggle like two old maids — Mikey so rapt in Trav’s attention it starts to make me uneasy. I mean, what do I know about him, other than he’s a pisshead with a shoulder chip?

  I pull Jiao aside, into the bunkroom. ‘You don’t think Trav’s getting a bit too much of a kick out of that do you?’

  ‘In what way?’

  ‘You know.’ It’s clear she doesn’t. ‘A little boy fiddler.’

  She barks out a laugh. ‘Come on. He’s spent almost every moment since I’ve met him trying to feel me up.’

  ‘He has?’ I’m not sure why this makes me so outraged. I can hardly blame him for trying when I’d be in there if I didn’t know the truth. ‘Maybe that’s a cover.’

  ‘Say something to him then. Go on. I dare you.’

  ‘You say something.’ She’s shaking her head like she thinks I’m a total douche. ‘Okay, okay. But just keep an eye out, would you? Let me know if you think there’s anything dodgy going on.’

  She peers around the corner, watching for a moment before she turns back to me. ‘You want to know what I really think?’

  ‘Of course. I just bloody asked.’

  ‘I think you’re suspicious whenever anyone gets on with Mikey as well as you do.’

  ‘That’s not fair! What a stupid thing to say.’

  ‘Is it?’ She reaches out, pats my arm and walks away. ‘Just think about it.’

  I plonk down on a bunk, totally gutted. This is so not what I expected to be worrying about right now. Trouble is, I have a nasty feeling she’s hit the nail on the head. Considering the hundreds of times I’ve wished Mikey wasn’t always dumped on me, you’d think I’d just be grateful there are others round who care. Even now, he’s out there laughing like a kookaburra — and it’s all thanks to Trav. I am a total douche.

  I skulk back out to the main room, where Jiao’s flicking through one of her science books. ‘You’re right,’ I say, sitting down beside her. ‘I’m being a dic
k.’

  She grins. ‘If it’s any consolation, you’re not a dick all the time!’

  ‘Thanks a lot!’

  Now Travis stands up and claps his hands for attention. ‘Lady and Dishevelled Guy,’ he says, all posh and formal, ‘you are cordially invited to watch the debut performance of the exciting drama duo, The Two Twats!’ He does one of those arm-swirling bows, then gestures for Mikey to do the same.

  ‘Two Twats!’ Mikey echoes, so self-important I choke on a laugh.

  Jiao and I clap enthusiastically. Out of the corner of my eye I see her glance at me as if to say, See?

  ‘Once upon a time …’ Trav intones, as Mikey drapes a pair of his old red undies on his head and starts to skip around the room ‘… there was a sweet girl called Little Red Riding Hood.’

  Mikey stops in front of us, preening his hair and acting all camp. He’s actually got quite good comic timing, until he screws it up by laughing too. But now Trav stamps his foot and Mikey snaps back into action.

  ‘One day, her mother sends her through the forest to visit her grandmother …’ Trav leaps behind the curtain to the other room, while Mikey pretends to creep around some trees — though he looks more like Quasimodo having an epileptic fit.

  Then Trav bursts back through the curtain, acting so freaked out we start to clap again. He’s bloody good.

  ‘No!’ he says, and there’s something odd in his tone. He shakes his head at Mikey, then rushes over to Jiao and me. He’s trembling like a bloody leaf. ‘There, behind that curtain, there’s more guns and shit in there than a bloody army store! What the hell—’