He had this weird way of seeing and saying things, which sometime make you feel like crap, but they worked, they all did. Like we were talking hanging out at the rooftop, we were talking about our school days, something he really liked talking about, and then he suddenly asked me about this three day trek across shayadri’s I hesitated telling him about something very particular, so he lectured me. He leaned on the railings looking away in the distance, he spoke,
“Look there are two ways to live your life, Your can either say “I dived in the great barrier, I rode the bulls in spain, I spent the night in a haunted twelth century castle in great Britain, I drowned in the milky water of blue lagoon, I got lost in a safari in Kenya, I sung Buddhisht chants in Lhasa, Somalian took me captive for two weeks, I pondered about the lost civilizations of eastern island and machu pichu, I got caught spying area 51, I searched relentlessly for the last traces of saraswati, I rolled on the high ground of prairies, life is so rich and magnificent, you just have to out and offer yourself to it. It will just swallow you whole.”
“Or you can sit at home and feel sorry for yourself... Never truly realizing what fortune lies outside and importantly what lies within you”
“Lose yourself, discover yourself”
I bumped into Mrs. Gaekwad, my landlady, one day while she was returning from the grocery shop, Poorab was following, with his hands full of two big bags, we had a hearty little chat. She was nice old lady probably in her late forties, “What do you do btw?” I asked.
“I work at the church” She slipped in casually.
“Church!” I exclaimed back, that raised thousand alarm bells in my head. I remembered the fanatic man, the landlord my friend Vikram told me about. How he drove Vikram and his roommates nuts trying to persuade them by dropping subtle but obvious hints.
She was an intelligent woman, she read the signs on my face, and smiled, “Come on in, have a coffee” Subtle hint? I was still processing when she said, “Did you meet Poorab?”
He took a bow, “Her personal staff”
“Yes, we have met” I replied.
I did go to the trek after-all how could I say no to Poorab, or to life, so as to speak. And what happened during our hike is a long tale in itself. There is one thing though that is worth mentioning, while were having a sort of stopover drinking lemonade at a lonely broken shop by the side of the road, I ran into someone, Surekha was there with her group of friends, they were sitting on a big table that they had formed by joining several smaller ones, I tried to avoid her but she saw me, she came over to our table, she wanted to talk in private. She told me something that shook my foundations of what is real and what is not. I was losing it, it was confirmed, and there was only one reason to it, and there was only one solution to it.
‘Ishika.’
But I held on, I held on, Poorab was my support. With him, weekends became something to look forward to there was something or other to do, experiences to live, nightmares to overcome; we’d just drive in the dead drop midnight and we’d dance in the streets like crazy lunatics freshly graduated from a mental asylum, we’d laugh about almost everything no matter it made sense or not. Life was different then, living actually made some sense.
So, there were these two guys – Arnav and D.B., always safe and sensible and then there was this guy Poorab completely unpredictable and incomprehensible and then there was this one more guy, me, who didn’t know who he was, flying like a lost kite in the vast emptiness of spaces that existed between human souls.
Time flew by and the memory of Ishika was slowly beginning to fade away. Earlier I used to say her name aloud like at least hundred times a day, but now it was reduced to some thirty-forty.
#
The ten thirty office bus was stopped, now everyday I had to catch the early morning bus, and for that I had to get up real early in the morning, thus bus came at around 07:50 and I used to push myself off the bed at 7, walk around the apartment like a zombie trying to suck in the new reality, I’d stand at the big window and would look out with my hazy vision, what was I looking for? Was I seeing it? One peculiar thing that I observed was that I was getting late in the morning almost everyday, sometime I’d even miss the bus and was forced to go in a six seater, I had to do something. And so I decided - 7 became 7:15 and then 7:30 I mastered the art of getting ready in fifteen minutes, the rest few minutes were reserved for dashing toward the bus. I was still getting late as earlier, but at least I had the satisfaction of having an extended sleep.
Arnav and I were talking on the sofas of one, he complained that since the ten thirty is cancelled he had to get up at like 6 in the morning, I asked why, how much time did he spend in front of the mirror? “I live on nagar road” He said, reminding me.
“Yeah, it’s too far I agree”
I told him that I was facing the same problem and I was thinking about getting a bike, he asked me which one was I gonna buy. I replied, I don’t know nothing about bikes, I guess the pulsar. He advised me that I should buy anything but pulsar. It was too common, everyone seemed to have it, from an IT guy to a pizza delivery boy, from an office clerk to a school teacher everyone rode a pulsar. So, I thought I’d go for something little different maybe not very dramatic but different, but what were the options then?
“A red pulsar?” I asked “That should be different”
I put forward my problem to Poorab and he suggested me that I should try eliminator, it’s a pretty sweet ride specially when you can’t Harley. I knew eliminator it was for small guys I opinionated. The next morning he knocked on my door and asked if I was ready. “Ready?” I queried. “Yeah, ready” He replied as if we made some suicide pact or made some elaborate plan for a heist or if I could read whatever was on his mind. “Yes” I replied, without hesitation, I had no what I was getting into.
He took out his SX4, wow what a smooth drive it was, on the way I asked him finally, “Where are we going?”
“You wanted to get a bike?”
“Yes, and-“
“Then, we are going to ride some” I wondered if he was taking me to those gangster kinds with long thick moustaches who wear black tee shirts with a skull painted on it and who rode in those long, modified dashing bikes.
Instead, we went to the Hero showroom and we went to Bajaj showroom, but I didn’t like much what I saw, Poorab was happy. He took me to a place which looked like a shady grey market place, everything from a plastic comb to a laptop computer to automobiles were on sale. We went to see a guy with long unshaven beard, who according to Poorab was an expert. He showed me a lot of old shabby bikes, old was stylish he reasoned.
We were at the roof that night, listening to the beats of untiring crickets, watching the leaves rustle as they danced to the tunes of a cold autumn night. He asked me when do I plan to get the bike, “Clearly you liked it” he said. I would have said,
“I was confused or needed more time to think” or “found some fault about the timing or in the bike itself” but I did not say so, he was a guy with whom you don’t feel the need to pretend, someone who would make you feel honest with yourself. So, I told him that money was really tight, I told him that salary was not really good enough to let myself indulge. And he was surprised, “I thought you people are well paid” I smiled at him, and whispered, “Now you know the secret, don’t tell anyone”
“But seriously, what is bothering you?” He was one guy who can see through bull. I just shook my head. “What was that girl said to you that day?” I was little shocked to see how he still remembered it. I knew I can’t keep it from him, he would just get through it anyway. So this is what Surekha told me:
A guy knocked on my door he was from credit card company, Anushree opened it. “Yes?” She asked.
“Umm... Mr. I“ “lives here?”
“Yes, he does” “What is it about?” She asked.
“He had applied for a card and I am here for the verification, is he home?”
“No he’s out, I am sorry” “But never
mind I can sign on his behalf”
“I am sorry? He has to sign it himself, your relationship with him?”
“Umm... I am his wife”
“Okay” The guy took the signature and left.
There was nothing there, nothing happened, I overreacted, it was just my imagination playing tricks with my head. Poorab took a step further, a smile broke on his lips, with open arms he hugged me.
I had answer now, the question that I had been asking for - are we changing? Is our society as a whole ready to move on? Perhaps not, we still couldn’t think beyond out petty mindset, we still couldn’t see beyond our shortsightedness. I had taken many steps back, and there was lot to undo before I could actually move forward.
The year 2008
2008 was a weird one, a year which would be remembered as what I would like to call a year of depression - depressing me both financially and psychologically. Stock market nosedived; followed by a series of crashes which left me completely broke. Arnav left the company having been disillusioned with the system, recession enveloped the industry engulfing hundreds and thousands of jobs, Poorab returned to serve his purpose of life and, and the rift between me and Ishika widened further.
#
On one of my casual walks to Ozone I bumped into a dude who was buying roses at the Ozone mall, well the strange thing was they were - black! Curios I was, I walked onto him and asked. He told me it was for a girl whom he loved her to the point of hatred for himself. I couldn’t understand him fully, but I wished him luck anyway, for whatever his big mission was.
I couldn’t help think about Ishika, and as I thought about her I wondered if I really liked her, or was it just a foolish attraction I couldn’t get over with it, maybe she was a prize that my pride wanted to have. I bought a black rose too so as to instill a feeling inside me that I was outgrowing her slowly. I thought about opening a bottle but dismissed it instantly, I wanted to recover and not drown.
I called Poorab and told him that we should hit some bar or club tonight, he was hesitated at first, maybe he had some plans already. But Then he okayed, we were going to party hard, whole night long. First we went to a bar called The Wicker Bar on Koregaon Park, we got ourselves a little drunk there, had few conversations with some strangers and then moved to a club in KP, we were there for a while but soon got bored. From there we went to one at MG road, Poorab brought some chicks over at the dance floor, so we were dancing one on one with girls, and not the usual guy-guy which basically everyone was doing. I saw him open with a new line, it was quite queer and funny, he’d approach a pair of girls and would look straight into their eyes and ask them slowly – can you buy me a drink. He swam against the social norms, he risked being looked over some idiot or jerk, but her never cared, he just kept of rolling, on his own way.
At around midnight when my legs were already feeling a little tired, crying to lie down on the comfort of a bed, I got a call. And who it was? She asked me how have I been and other fluffy stuff, and then she quickly jumped to what she wanted to say, she asked me if I cared to join her at Yo! China. She was out with her team, and she was not really feeling well.
I was in a shock, it was a cocktail of bloody alcohol and Ishika calling me out of nowhere. A surge of tingle ran through my spine and to my head. I was losing control of myself.
I wondered about the mystery called Ishika, I wondered whether I really should go and save the day for her, was is it some kind of game that she was playing with me. I shook the thought out of my head, what if she really needed to see me? Maybe she was in some kind of emergency. I wouldn’t know until I actually meet her.
Poorab came out looking for me, the two girls followed her. One had her sandals on while the other one was carrying them in her hands, just swinging them.
“Which one do you think is more beautiful?” He asked as he swung his arm around my shoulders. I could see through the dark of the night, those were some dolls. “So? What do you think?” He said dragging me. I didn’t look at them second time, my mind was elsewhere.“
“I have to leave” I said helplessly.
He gave me that – dude what the fuck – look and then looked cool again. He smiled and said, “No man, don’t me alone”
“No, you are not alone” I said pointing my head towards the girls.
“Them?” He said, “I will get rid of them”
“Hey girls-” He shouted, turning back. I knew I had to go, I couldn’t hang around anymore looking for anybody’s permission.
“So long” I said and sprinted towards the auto stand. KP is quite close by to MG Road, it took me only ten minutes to reach there. But those ten minutes! my head was filled with all kind of possibilities. What if she is sick? She is dying I panicked. What if she is in some other kind of trouble. What if she is kept hostage? What if she has a family emergency and she is broken down emotionally? My mind just kept thinking and thinking, no matter how I tried I couldn’t help it. I even tried reciting Hanuman chalisa, and Gayatri mantra but I couldn’t even go past two stanzas. My head just kept whirling around her. I literally jumped out of the auto as soon as it reached the restaurant. I didn’t even bother to ask for a change, I left a rupees note with the driver and ran. My heart was in trouble, it was beating too fast with anticipation of the uncertainty.
The restaurant was buzzing with people, even so late in the night. It was KP after all. I scanned the whole dining hall quickly, and there she was sitting in a badly lit corner, her face looking away from the door. I wondered what happened to her teammates, there were not there. They either left before I could reach her or they were never there.
“Hi!” I said, trying to hide the jubilant of my voice.
“Hey” She looked up and replied. She seemed all tensed up, I could tell that from her face and her fingers which were fidgeting.
She mellowed down when she saw me seeing her. It felt like that glitz in her eyes for me was back. The first thing I wanted to say was about the restaurant. I didn’t like her choice of restaurant, neither of us were fond of Chinese. I wanted to ask her why here. I only half opened my mouth when she signaled me to sit.
I was surprised by her forwardness, when she asked me without giving me a minute to relax,
“I wanted to speak to you about something very important” “Something I felt couldn’t wait till morning.”
I noticed she was wearing this white shirt, with a slim light blue jeans, and her hair was bound in a pony tail. The dim light falling on her from the lamp overhead was adding to her mystique. God she looked beautiful just as she looked the very first time I saw her.
She put her hand over mine and she spoke, “You probably do not realize how much I’ve missed you all this time” I was stunned. I didn’t know what to reply back, I just stared her blankly.
“We looked so good together” “But-“
Of-course, there had to be a “but” the big “BUT”. My heart dashed, I knew something was coming.
“Ohh no-“ I said infuriated. “I don’t understand you” “One minute you are that perfect girl that I am just getting to know” “And the other you are someone I had always known but could never figure out” “Why are you doing this to me?” “Just tell me why are you doing this to me?” my voice was beginning to tremble now, I was about to reach the breaking point.
“What would you like to drink, sir?” The waitress said. “Ma’m?”
“Refill” She said raising her near empty glass. “Make it two” I added without knowing what she had had.
When the waitress arrived without our drink it look suspiciously like Vodka martini. I never had a martini before in my whole life, I had only seen James Bond taking it. Perhaps it was about time.
The first gulp felt like a burn going through my throat, through my windpipe and onto my stomach. The sensation was arousing, I emptied the glass in second gulp.
I hate you, was the first thought that came in my mind after the drink got started to mix in my blood.
“We were
so happy“ “We had so much plans, so much expectation from life, we were to live together in Andaman, in a cottage by the seaside”
“There was a life to look forward to” “we were to backpack through Andes” “We were to start our little bookshop together”
She looked at me silently, only sipping her drink in between.
“Look at us now” I said, “What really happened?”
“Is this all because I had to go to Vizag“ My voice now was raising steadily, people had began to look. I didn’t care.
“Is this your way to test me?” “Do you still think I will choose something else over you?” “Is this some kind of weird test to see me break?”
“Look-“ “You don’t know what you are talking about. It’s probably best…” She said.
“I know what I am saying“ “I am not drunk” “That’s what you want, right? You want to see me bury myself, to break me down to the point of madness”
“You don’t have a flaw except that you think too much about other people” “You think the world is your problem“ “Here’s the news for you, No, it’s not your problem that someone is driven to suicide or a child died due to medical negligence” “Live your own goddamn life for once”
I gazed at the ceiling which looked so far, far away, and I let out a deep breath.
Zero Defect: An autobiography of a software engineer Page 13