Zero Defect: An autobiography of a software engineer

  “Not two people are alike, we in every terms are different.” “But being doesn’t mean people should treat you any differently, for in the end you are what person you are. The shepherd doesn’t differentiate, everyone’s equal in his house.“ She spoke, and I listened as did everyone.

  “Was the house rendered impure?” I wondered. Her confession of the original sin as our society saw it or at least a section of the society saw it, it was amusing how people who professed equal rights now hid themselves under the blankets of conservatism. But I stood by her side firmly; I knew she couldn’t possibly go through the storm that was to follow her, all by herself.

  What’s darker than the night itself? What’s brighter than the sun itself?

  Why did I think, it was all but staged, it was an entrapment, a big play in which I was played like a pawn, a story which began with me and ended with me and I found myself right where I started. Was the dust finally settling down on the dreams I wove? Was the armor of love wearing off? Was my quest finally coming to an end.

  I saw myself as the wise turtle burdened with the weight of the world, I found myself as the centuries old tree which withered through seasons after seasons and the roots of which were once so firm and deep now loosening their grip on the ground, and I felt like the clouds which didn’t have a direction meandering where the gusty wind took them.

  The fall of the Giant

  It seemed like any another mundane Monday, people whined about getting up early and dressing up, people complained about traffic and spending long hours in jam, and people dreaded to go to their bosses and prepare for the rest of week. But for me it was a special day, for today was the day I would finish what I started, I was to take the one final step needed to set things up. From there on, I would just sit back and watch while the rest of world burned to ashes.

  I couldn’t get much sleep, no matter how I tried, I reckon I must have counted at least hundred thousand sheep. I called up Bhargavi in the morning that I won’t be picking her up today; we will be going by bus.

  I walked into the living room, the Sun was just coming through the window, playing hide and seek with the tree. There was some iron lying around near the window. I work out a little bit, just to get some sweat flowing. I had dumbbells in my hand as I looked outside the window. It was a beautiful morning, quite quiet still in this part. There was a noise coming through - chirping of birds mixed with voices of children coming from a nearby school. I continued with my dumbbells till my arms began to hurt. I put them on the floor, feeling good, I looked around for the towel. Towel smelled nice, I use perfume on it occasionally. Weird I know. I stepped in for the shower, I decided to take a cold one today. And, I waited for a moment, to brace myself for the cold water.

  A good cold shower relieves you so much, I felt free as I washed off the foam of my head. I stepped out and got ready, the clock was ticking fast. I cut down few activities to save time. I packed my bag and picked up my iPod but then I left it behind, I wouldn’t be needing it today. I shut the door behind my back.

  I see a dog crossing the road, he is fearless, I envy him, a car stops just front of it, a big screech. The man behind the car yells at him, I feel sorry for the dog but the dogs walks past as if nothing has happened, I wonder at the callousness of his, he is a hero to me. He walks the world thinking – ‘he owes nothing to the world, and the world owes nothing to him’.

  At the stop, I waited for her about five minutes before she arrived at the bus stop, she was looking as fresh as morning daisies. We didn’t talk much, the fact is nobody likes to talk in morning. The bus came and we board the last seat.

  I took my phone out and tried to call Jain, but it didn’t connect.

  “Oh! This damn airtel, they have the worst network.”

  She smiled, and offered her phone. “Anything urgent?”

  “Gotta talk to Jain, he was on night shift last week, some pending issues”

  “Monday morning, it sucks! ” She consoled.

  With some sleight of hand, I took the memory chip out of my pocket without her noticing, I slid it into the mobile and restarted the phone.

  “I heard a guy was fired from your team, some -“ She said recalling, “yeah. Dinesh” “What happened with him?”

  “Just usual stuff, nothing that’d interest you”

  “Well, I am interested”

  “Hello ! “ I said and then looked at the phone it was still trying to connect.

  “Yeah, what were you saying? “ “Dinesh, right ?”

  “Yeah, he got the hammer, for carelessness. Caused the client million dollar loss” Obviously the numbers were exaggerated but that didn’t matter. “How could he, he was a senior guy?” “You sure you have nothing do with it?” She seemed suspicious.

  I looked at her with surprise she was much smarter than I thought. “Yes, he was lead, and I didn’t like him” “But this is extreme” “Poor guy won’t get a job anywhere else”

  My hands were working meticulously all the while we were talking, my fingers slid over the phone like the potter finger slides over the pottery.

  #

  The day felt absolutely no different than other days. When I reached, people in waves were coming in. I faked a smile as I approached the stairs. Some people were waiting for lifts, I recognize a few of them, they worked in the same floor as mine, still waiting for lifts, one of them was really a heavy looking guy. I continue to stick a fake smile; it’s easy to distinguish a fake one though - it’s feeble, ‘barely there - barely their’, I see some team mates from old project, I refrain calling them friends and so do they, we have a silent agreement, we talk in a well defined script which consists of only one syllable “hi’’. With our gazed fixed to the ground, we don’t feel the need to extend our acquaintance; though sometimes we further our conversation but only when we need something from other.

  I sank in my chair, like a bubble in water. It was my harbor of refuge. I saw Vishwas entering the floor, he was followed by another senior guy. Evidently, Vishwas was giving him the tour of the account. They stopped at quite a few cubicles, Jain and I started working as we saw them approaching ours. But they just passed right through and stopped onto another cubicle. We could hear them talk, Vishwas was talking greatly about the project mates and their splendid contribution. I saw them approaching Bhargavi’s cubicle, of-course a tour couldn’t be completed without his visiting his favorite employee. But today was a different day, I saw an evil glint on his face; a light which was darker than the darkness itself. They were talking, laughing - that’s alright but then he touched her. He tapped on her shoulder, I thought that was my sign, I was happy instead of being suspicious. Jain looked at me instantly and said, “Did you see what I saw too?”

  I shrugged and said “What?” “Oh that! “ I said, undermining the whole thing, “Well, it is better than slap on the ass”

  He wanted to smile but he didn’t, he saw as a remark done in poor taste.

  #

  Not soon after the visit she was called in the meeting, I came to know because she came to me and said, “You have to go on lunch by yourself today”

  “You are not hungry?” I questioned.

  “Vishwas has invited me for lunch with him and Desai sir”

  “Beware of that guy” I cautioned her. “I don’t like him a bit”

  “Vishwas is a nice guy, besides it’s a very good opportunity for me to get to know Desai sir” “You never know, it is good have friends in power corridor” She snapped.

  “Who’s Desai? “ Jain questioned.

  “You don’t know him? He is head of the business unit” I answered.

  “You go ahead then, I will go with Jain” I replied to Bhargavi.

  “You are not very happy? “ “Aren’t you?” She said.

  “You know better, take care of yourself” I replied.

  #

  It was perhaps the longest wait of my life, as I was waiting impatiently for the bad news to arrive. I was expecting for the mess
enger to arrive herself, instead the news reached me in the form a phone call. It was Bhargavi; there was a sense of urgency in her voice. She wanted to meet her right away, “Come to the ladies washroom at the ground floor” She demanded.

  I ran straight to her, thinking if I had done any miscalculation, if the damage was more than what could be mended. I wanted the Giant to fall, but I also wanted to remain unharmed.

  “Is anyone in here?” I asked.

  “No, I am alone” she said. I knocked on the door of the toilets. There was no reply, and I latched the bolt of the washroom from inside. We were alone, I wanted her to feel safe. She was standing my side of the mirror, I took one glance at her – she looked dead frightened. She needed someone, someone she could trust. I hugged her tightly, she had broken in tears now and which I wiped-off with my fingers.

  “What happened?” “You have to tell me everything” I demanded.

  She didn’t move, her lips didn’t utter a word. Her silence was more piercing than what possibly had happened.

  She gazed into my eyes and spoke “I love you”. I hugged her again without saying a word. I had the feeling that I gauzed the situation wrong, I sensed she had been badly hurt.

  “Tell me everything, what happened? You went on lunch with Vishwas? ”

  This time she spoke without looking at me, her eyes were fixed at the ground. “He had invited me in the conference room upstairs” She said, “I reached the room bit early, Vishwas was already there working on his laptop”

  “Desai sir was not there?” I questioned.

  “No, he wasn’t.” “When I asked the same to Vishwas, he said that he was going to join later”

  “Bastard must be lying! ” I squeezed my fists hard.

  “He was lying, but I was a fool” “I was a hopeless fool” “You were so right about Vishwas, it was my fault I didn’t listen to you”

  “We will make him pay, he won’t be able escape this so easily” I assured her.

  She composed herself and went on, “He asked me to be seated next to him, but I didn’t. I took a chair opposite to him on table.” “He then started talking about the last incident and how the relationship with the client was so fragile and he expected people work out of box” “He said I was so special to the account, the client had repeatedly mention words of appreciation for me” “And he was contemplating to give me extra responsibilities.” “I was so excited to hear that, you understand. I thought I would be promoted; maybe I would be given midterm raise or bonus perhaps. ” “But Vishwas, I never thought he had an evil inside him” She shuddered.

  “He stood up from his chair and came around just behind me” “He continued to shower praise on me” “He insisted again saying, if I was ready for the big responsibility” “And then he put his hands on my shoulders and gave light message on my neck” “I was shocked, I stood up immediately” “I knew where it was going, and I didn’t like it at all” “I backed off but I didn’t say anything, maybe that was my mistake, I didn’t leave either” “He pushed me against the wall, I was terrified, I feared he would hurt me” “I got your message, I like you too. But I had no idea you wanted me too” “I can leave my wife, I can leave anything for me” “He was mad, I thought. What was he talking about?” “I never thought a man of his repute would stoop to such low”

  With this she broke into tears, she was inconsolable; she didn’t allow me to wipe-off her tears either.

  “I know this is very difficult, but you have to tell me what happened after that. I need to know the complete truth” I said.

  “I gathered all my strength and with a brute force I pushed him away.” He didn’t want to let me go, he came after me till the door, but I managed to dodge him. I came here to the washroom and I called you” “I didn’t know what else to do, or who else to turn to. You were the first one that came in my mind, I don’t trust anyone else.”

  #

  A week passed and the sexual harassment committee came to the conclusion, Vishwas was dubbed guilty, they had to, there wasn’t any other choice but to move against Vishwas. Though there were no evidences but Bhargavi’s word against Vishwas was too strong. It was evidence in itself; it was a judgment in itself. Vishwas was removed at once, and as if it was not enough police was called, Vishwas left handcuffed. Justice was done.

  Rainbow’s End - Part 1

  So began the longest day of my life, the day when I saved someone’s life and then took someone’s life; the power that God braces you sometime.

  It had been a weird morning at the office; there I was lying on the bed waiting for my turn. There were couple of more people just like me close-by, some were waiting some were already getting sucked-off. A woman came and asked me relax, apparently I was too tensed. I looked at the guy next to me, the woman inserted a big needle in his arm, the needle was connected with a bag through a pipe. The lady pressed the bag one time and viola the blood started coming out. The bag was filling fast, with every inch the blood rose my anxiety level rose multiple times.

  There was some kind of emergency we were told, the rare O- blood type was needed. I was not sure I should go, it was only Jain who encouraged me,

  “There was a chance for me to make a difference”

  The guy was almost done, I was the next person. The lady came to me and started unfolding her equipments - the blood bag and all. I was watching her, all terrified. You’d look at me and laugh but believe me I am not good at this blood thing at all. I don’t feel comfortable with the idea of draining the blood out of my nerves.

  I was startled with a familiar voice, “Are you sure about this?”

  “Yes” I nodded. Who was she? The voice certainly came from the other side. I looked and it was, Ishika.

  “You have to hold still” The lady demanded as she stood before me with the syringe and the blood bag. I obeyed her.

  I saw her injecting the syringe, and then I saw the blood flowing out of my veins. I felt lighter. I was not sure if I could really get through the whole thing. Ishika, held my hand and gave me strength to carry on. It didn’t more three-four minutes for the bag to be filled up, I guess that was the limit you could take from someone.

  “You were brave out there” She said as she supported me getting off the bed.

  “You are embarrassing me, I feel too weak”

  “That’s natural, did you eat anything?”

  “No”

  “Come with me” She threw me an apple and asked me to follow.

  She gave me some parle-g and a glassful of juice. We went out the facility and sat on the bench facing the lush green lawns.

  “I have been thinking for a while, and I have considered things over and over again. Whatever happened and whatever didn’t is past and we have to put our past behind.” “We have to give it a chance” “We have to give us a chance” She repeated.

  “We have to rebuild what we have lost” “We have to start trusting each other again”

  “I wish I could say I know you but truth is I don’t understand you”

  “Please forget about everything that happened, there are reasons”

  “Why, you never actually told me the reason for your ire”

  “There is none, I have always adored you”

  “You are not being honest with me, we cannot go on if you keep things from me”

  “You don’t mean Ashutosh? Do you? ”

  “No, not Ashutosh but Dinesh”

  “Ha, ha” She laughed. “There was nothing between us”

  “You are not telling me the truth again”

  “I never liked him, it was only a test”

  “A test!” I exclaimed, what was she talking about?

  “It was necessary; I wanted to see how much you loved me”

  I came to know Dinesh through a friend, and one day when he mentioned that you and he worked together, I thought I could use him to get to you.” I looked in her eyes, I could have never thought she was so cunning.

  “I knew you would tal
k to Ashutosh eventually, so I stopped talking to him and told him that I am engaged” “Poor guy, he was a good friend but it was necessary to put a stop. There was no other way to convince you.” “Seeing me with Dinesh was the last straw, I wanted to see how far you would go if you loved me. And I was right though I never expected you’d go this far, you really love me, I cannot be more certain.”

  It was like a reverse agni-pariksha, she had me completely stumped.

  “I just don’t understand Ishika, one minute you hate me and another minute you are deeply in love”

  “I wanted to trust you but I couldn’t. How can I trust someone when my own mother left me? And then you took that decision to go to Vizag. Why did you do that, you should’ve asked me how I felt about it. It was supposed be our decision not just yours. You broke my heart.”

  “I don’t know” I said and got up.

  I got up while she was still sitting on the bench, I walked on without looking back.

  “Phony” I screamed.

  #

  It was a difficult day at work, I could barely concentrate with so many thoughts running on inside me head. Why has she come back now, was it really just a game for her? Was she just testing me all along? Or was she lying now, I wonder if this is confrontation was some kind of sick game for her. I was really confused, and the bad thing was that I had no one to talk to, I couldn’t share this with Bhargavi, and Sonia had moved out too.

  I looked at the screen I had typed all gibberish, hell I could do much better than this under the influence.

  “I am going out for smoke” I declared. “You coming?” I asked Jain.

  “You just donated blood in the morning?” Jain questioned.

  “I don’t care, I am freaking out”

  “What’s going on?” He asked.