by Gerri Hill
“Oh, honey,” Kim whispered. “Whatever you need, I’m here for you,” she said. “Did she hurt you?”
Cassie grabbed both her arms and squeezed. “No. I’m okay, really,” she said and she attempted a smile. “I just need some time to myself.”
“Okay,” she said. “Jesus…”
“Come over for coffee tomorrow morning?” Cassie pleaded.
Kim nodded. “I’ll be there. Of course.”
Cassie walked away, surprised at how confidently she had hanŹdled her discussion with Kim. Her insides were still all mixed up, and she tried desperately not to think about Luke’s mouth as she walked across the room toward the door.
She sat in her van, calmly trying to rationalize her feelings, but when she remembered how she had guided Luke’s mouth to her breast, wantonly throwing her head back in surrender as Luke feasted, she was nearly overcome with desire. And there was absolutely nothing rational about it. If there was any doubt left in her about her desires, it was squelched tonight. She wanted Luke… sexŹually, physically. Even if her mind tried to deny it, her body still ached for Luke’s touch.
“But then what?” Cassie whispered out loud.
She drove home in a daze, her mind filled with images of Luke’s soft hands on her, Luke’s hot mouth as it closed over her breast, her own hips as they pressed intimately against Luke.
Too many years of celibacy, she thought. She still had enough of her humor intact that she nearly laughed. It was only then that she realized she was sitting in her own driveway, the engine still running.
“Take it slow, take it slow,” she murmured. Her body wanted no such thing, but she firmly told herself it was for the best.
But her body spoke louder than her mind as she lay in bed. The sheets seemed to spark against her naked skin and if she closed her eyes, she could feel Luke’s hands on her, smell her familiar scent as Luke’s mouth moved from her lips to her aching breasts.
She moaned as she imagined Luke’s hot, wet mouth closing
over her, sucking the taut nipple inside. Cassie’s hands moved to where she needed Luke the most. Her hips rose instinctively, searching, and when she touched herself, she wasn’t surprised at the wetness she found.
Oh, Luke.
Her hips arched, and she groaned as her fingers slid through wetness, her clit swollen and ready. She pictured Luke’s fingers sliding into her, and her heels dug into the bed. Then Luke’s mouth came to her, replacing her fingers, and Cassie cried out, her body on fire for another woman.
Her fingers stroked quickly, bringing herself to a shattering climax. She lay back, her breath hissing through parted lips, fingers still within her wetness. Then she buried her head in her pillow, knowing she was not really satisfied, knowing she never would be until Luke took her that way.
Was it wrong? Was it so wrong for her to desire another woman like this? Despite her father’s teachings, she had long ago given up hope of finding a nice man someday. She had accepted the fact that it wasn’t a man she wanted to be with. But at the same time, she had resolved herself to being alone, knowing she could never give in to her desires, could never openly be involved in a lesbian relationship. Despite all of that, she had been powerless to resist Luke Winston. Luke had come along and had been able to melt her resistance with that very first glance.
And now Luke had done something else. She had turned Cassie’s cold, stone heart into a wildly racing, raging heart. She didn’t want to think about what it meant. But she accepted her attraction to Luke, and she admitted that, yes, she wanted to make love with her.
Badly.
Chapter Twenty
Cassie clutched her coffee cup, ignoring Kim for the moment. She should just come right out and tell her. Kim had probably guessed most of it anyway.
“Luke and I … know each other better than you think,” she started.
“I gathered as much,” Kim said dryly.
Cassie took a deep breath, then continued, planning to tell her best friend everything that had happened. “We’ve had dinner a few times. And lunch,” she added before turning around to face her. “And she bought the eagle in flight from me.” When Kim would have spoken, Cassie raised her hand to stop her. She was afraid she wouldn’t be able to get through it all. “The night of the storm, a few months back, I had a flat and she found me and took me to her house. I stayed the night with her.”
“What?” Kim hissed.
“It was perfecdy innocent,” Cassie said. “I slept on the sofa. But
it gave us a chance to get to know each other. The point is, we weren’t exactly strangers last night.”
“And that gave her the right to attack you in the back room?”
Cassie stared at her friend, knowing Kim was more hurt than anything that Cassie had intentionally kept all of this from her.
“She didn’t attack me. I went willingly, Kim,” Cassie said quiŹetly. “I’ve denied it for years and lied to you along the way.” Their eyes held for a long moment and Cassie’s slowly filled with tears. “But I never lied to myself. I just couldn’t accept it. I wouldn’t accept it.”
“I’m sorry. This is my fault,” Kim stated. She pulled Cassie into a fierce hug. “I know I’ve pushed you”
“No! I always knew, Kim, I just didn’t want it to be true, you know. You always said it was, but I didn’t want it to be. There was never a man that I was attracted to … and I wouldn’t dare allow a woman to get close. I was so scared.”
“Then why now?” Kim nearly whispered. “Why Luke Winston?”
Images of Luke, pieces of conversation, her own thoughts and feelings flashed fleetingly through her mind, none stopping long enough for her to grasp them. How could she possibly explain this to Kim? She barely understood it herself.
“She touched something inside me,” Cassie finally said. She turned away, again staring out the window, seeing nothing. “From the first moment I saw her that day at the cafe, I knew,” she whisŹpered. “I don’t know how I knew, but I did. I didn’t seek her out. She didn’t seek me out. It just happened.” Cassie shrugged, then gave a small laugh. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think a higher power was bringing us together.”
But Kim didn’t laugh. She turned Cassie around to face her.
“I’m worried about you. Yes, I’ve known all these years, and I kept pushing you, thinking you’d be happier if you could just accept this about yourself. But I also know from experience that you have to be ready to accept it. I was afraid you would never accept it, that you would end up spending your life alone, all
because of some stupid shit you were brainwashed with as a kid. But I don’t think Luke is the one for you.”
“I don’t know why you don’t like her, Kim, but you don’t know her. You’ve only been around her a couple of times and brief minŹutes at that.”
“She just looks the type to”
“But she’s not. She’s extremely kind and thoughtful. She’s a nice person, Kim. And last night, in a stranger’s bedroom, I wanted her to make love to me,” she barely whispered. She looked up to meet Kim’s eyes. “But she stopped. She stopped because she knows I’m not ready. Up here, anyway,” she added and tapped her head.
Kim stared at her for the longest time, then finally nodded.
“Okay. So now what?”
It was Cassie’s turn to stare. Now what?
“I don’t know. She knows everything about my father, about my upbringing.”
“You told her?”
Cassie nodded. “She knows about some things that I’ve never been able to tell even you.”
“Cassie, you can tell me anything,” Kim protested.
“You were too close. You already hated him.”
Kim nodded. “Yes, I did. I do. Look what he’s done to you,” she said. “Why won’t you see someone? A therapist could help you work through all of this,” she suggested, not for the first time.
Cassie hugged her briefly. “I don’t think I have that many years left,
” she said lightly. “And it would take a lot of years.”
“Your father can’t hurt you, Cass.”
“I know that. He can only hurt me if I let him.”
She walked to the sink and tossed out her long cold coffee. It wasn’t so bad, she thought. If anyone, she knew that Kim would understand what she was going through.
“We’re going to take it slow. At least, as slow as we can.” She laughed. Last night, slow had not been in her vocabulary.
“But your hormones are in overdrive?” Kim supplied with just a hint of a smile.
“Off the scale to say the least.”
Kim pulled her into another hug and they laughed, Cassie finally relaxing. It was a huge relief to have told Kim the truth. But now what? How much did Luke want from her? For that matter, how much could Cassie give? She had a lot of emotional baggage to sort through and she wondered if Luke would be able to deal with it, if Luke would even want to.
Chapter Twenty-one
Cassie sat on the floor of her workshop, a piece of driftwood positioned between her parted legs as she studied it. She ran her hands lightly over the smooth surface, trying to find something in it, trying to see what it would become.
She sighed heavily, a corner of her mouth lifting in a half-smile. She could see nothing but Luke. With each stroke of her hands, she saw nothing but the strong, athletic shape of Luke’s body, a body she longed to touch.
It surprised her how easily she could admit this now. She had spent all of her adult life convincing herself that she was attracted to no one. It had been easy, really. She was not attracted to men in the least, and for the longest, she would not even consider the posŹsibility of a woman. But then Luke Winston had come into her life and disrupted everything, without really even trying.
In a sense, Cassie felt freed. The constricting blanket she had
placed on her life, her feelings, had been burned. And the woman who had set flames to it was but a phone call away.
Cassie had not yet dared to call her though. Oh, but that didn’t stop her from dreaming of Luke’s touch. She woke during the night, her body damp with perspirationand desire. Her own hands touched herself where she longed for Luke to touch. It had only been two days. Two long days since she had confided in Kim. Two nights sleeping alone, dreaming of Luke’s touch. She had awakened each morning with her body on fire, wet, a throbbing ache between her thighs, her pillow clutched tightly to her. And always the image of hands… dream hands … just leaving her.
Luke had not called and Cassie wondered if she herself never attempted to make contact, would Luke be the one to break down first and call? It wasn’t that she didn’t want to call her, didn’t want to see her. She did. The truth was, she was scared. She wasn’t strong enough to deny her feelings any longer.
The ringing of the phone startled her, disrupting her thoughts. She stood and reached for it nervously, afraid it would be Luke, hoping it would be Luke.
“It’s me,” Kim said. “Lisa said I should call you. It’s been awhile since you’ve been over for dinner.”
Cassie laughed. “New recipe, huh?”
“Eggplant,” Kim said. “Don’t make me do it alone.”
Cassie laughed again. She needed a diversion, she knew.
“Okay.”
“Good.” Then her voice softened. “How are you, honey?”
“I’m okay.”
“Have you called her?”
“Not yet.”
Kim knew not to press. “Come early and we’ll catch up,” she said.
Cassie left her workshop, the wood still untouched. Maybe tomorrow she would call Luke, she thought. Tonight she would escape in the company of her two closest friends.
°^y>°
While Lisa finished dinner, Cassie enjoyed looking at the paintŹings Kim had been doing, some completed, others just beginning.
“I’ve gotten so involved with these, I’ve had no inspiration for my usual seascapes,” Kim explained.
“Maybe this is another phase in your career,” Cassie said. “You can’t continue to paint original seascapes without repeating some.”
Kim looked at her for a moment. “Maybe you’re right. But what about your work? I’ve seen you do eagles over and over again, yet they all manage to be unique in some way.”
“All my animals have their own personalities,” Cassie offered. “I sometimes forget they’re only pieces of wood.”
Lisa called them to dinner, and Kim linked a casual arm through Cassie’s. “Lisa’s already planning Thanksgiving dinner,” Kim said. “Humor her.”
“Any reason for her to cook.” They laughed, and it felt good to Cassie. This was familiar to her and she knew she needed someŹthing familiar now that her life was about to change completely.
“I’ve been looking over these recipes for vegetable nut rolls,” Lisa said as she scooped out generous helpings of the eggplant casserole for them. “A couple look promising.”
“What was wrong with last year’s recipe?” Kim asked, and she winked at Cassie.
“We can’t always use the same one,” Lisa explained. “Cassie, you can bring that wonderful squash casserole that you made last year.” Then she looked up. “You are planning to join us?”
“Of course,” Cassie said easily. “Don’t I always?”
“You haven’t heard from your father, have you?”
Cassie poured wine for them and carried all three glasses to the table. She gave Kim a blank stare.
“I can’t remember the last time I’ve talked to him. I guess it was early summer.” Lately, he hadn’t been far from her mind, though.
“This is great, hon,” Kim said around a mouthful.
Lisa ruffled Kim’s hair as she walked past. She did the same to Cassie and they laughed.
“I’m glad you came over,” she told Cassie.
“Thanks.” She picked up her wineglass instead of her fork.
“Has she called?”
Cassie met Lisa’s eyes, then glanced at Kim.
“No. And she won’t. She left that up to me,” Cassie said, downŹing the rest of her wine.
“She knows what you’re going through, right?” Lisa got up for more wine. “I mean, obviously this is new to you.”
Cassie was having a hard time discussing this with Kim and Lisa. They were her best friends, but still, she was embarrassed. After all the years of denying this part of herself, it was difficult to talk about it now.
“Yes, she knows. I think I may remind her of a previous relaŹtionship.” Cassie took a swallow of wine before continuing. “She had an affair with a married woman for several years. Turned out, the woman was just playing with her, experimenting.”
“And she thinks you might be doing the same?”
Cassie shrugged. “I wouldn’t blame her if she did.” In fact, the thought had crossed her mind several times, and she wondered if maybe that was why Luke was giving her time. She knew how badly Luke had been hurt before.
“I think you need to call her,” Lisa said. “If nothing else, you should explain.”
“Explain what? That I’m scared shitless by what I’m feeling? I think she knows that.”
“Honey, I know this is hard.” Kim gave her hand a squeeze. “We’ve all been there.”
Cassie smiled, finally picking up her fork. “Let’s just hope I don’t run off and get married or something.”
Kim laughed. “That was something, wasn’t it? Talk about scared shitless.”
“Did you even know what a lesbian was back then?” Lisa asked.
“Not until Jennifer explained to me why I wanted to touch her all the time.”
“She was your first, right?”
Kim nodded. “Man, what a night. I had no idea what I was doing, I only knew I wanted to do it.”
“How could you go and get married after that?”
“Lisa, you don’t understand. I was completely alone. I didn’t have anyone to turn to, except Cassie.”
“And I wa
sn’t a lot of help,” Cassie added.
“It seemed the logical thing to do. I mean, all my life I’d been told I was going to get married and have kids. There was never any mention of falling in love with a woman.” Kim reached for the wine and refilled everyone’s glass, emptying the bottle.
“I was scared,” Kim continued. “I went after the first guy I could find, just to prove I wasn’t queer.”
“More than one, if I recall,” Cassie reminded her.
“Poor Richard. I practically roped him into the marriage, then made us both miserable for the next six months.”
“Did he know about Jennifer?” Lisa asked.
“No. And I wish I hadn’t told him at the end. We were both so young, and it wasn’t his fault, but I’m sure it left a scar.”
“No doubt,” Cassie said. It was her turn to squeeze Kim’s hand. “But he was a”
“A jerk,” Kim finished for her. “I know. But what do you expect when you’re twenty-one years old and you find out your wife’s a lesbian?”
“But you and Jennifer didn’t last long,” Lisa reminded them both.
“No. Once I found out what was out there, I was like a kid in a candy store,” Kim said with a laugh. Then she turned to Cassie with a grin. “And you’re too old to act like that. But just rememŹber, Luke’s not the only fish in the sea. I mean, you’ll meet lots of people. Don’t assume that just because she’s the one to make you accept this, that she’s the only one, you know?”
“But you like her?” Lisa asked gently.
“Yes. I really like her.”
Cassie swallowed the last of her wine, and Lisa got up to open another bottle.
“You know, I really think you should call her.”
Cassie smiled at them, wondering if they knew how they conŹtradicted each other. Kim was overprotective, wanting her to find someone safe. Lisa was the romantic, pushing her to Luke because she could see the attraction.