by Gerri Hill
“I wanted this day to be special for us,” Cassie finally admitted.
“Sweetheart, it has been special. Just you inviting me here, despite your father, means so much to me.”
“We’ve hardly had a chance to talk, Luke. It’s like we’re strangers.”
Luke pulled back and cupped Cassie’s face with both hands. “We’ll have time. I understand your need to keep a distance with your father. You’re not ready to tell him.”
“But I hate this,” Cassie said. “I just wanted to be with you today.”
Luke smiled. “Well, we’ll shoot for this weekend, huh?”
Cassie reached up and touched Luke’s face. “You really are a very sweet woman, you know that?”
“Sweet?”
“Yeah. Sweet,” Cassie whispered, and she locked eyes with Luke, watching as they turned dark with desire.
“I’ve missed you,” Luke whispered as she lowered her mouth to Cassie’s.
Cassie didn’t hesitate as her mouth opened to Luke, accepting her kiss without a second thought. Their bodies molded together, pressing intimately against each other as they lost themselves in their desire.
Cassie’s tongue found its way into Luke’s warm mouth, swalŹlowing Luke’s moan along with her own and she pressed her body closer still, her thighs tight against Luke’s lean form. She let their passion rage and neither heard the door open or the gasp that folŹlowed.
“Good God in heaven!” he bellowed. “Take your hands off of my daughter!”
Cassie pulled away blindly, her eyes wide as she looked at the angry face of her father.
“Cassandra! What has she done to you?”
“It’s not … like it looks,” she stammered, hating herself for being so weak. She felt Luke move away from her, and the quick glance between them was enough for Cassie’s heart to break. Luke’s eyes were begging Cassie to tell him the truth.
“It looked like this pervert was forcing herself on you,” he spat.
“Of course not! Don’t be ridiculous.”
Cassie was only slightly aware of Kim and Lisa standing in the doorway, silently watching the exchange.
Luke faced her father, her shoulders square. “I’m sorry, this is my fault, although I take offense to being called a pervert. You know nothing about me or my life.”
“I know your kind, and you will all suffer God’s wrath, but you’re not taking my daughter with you. She will be saved!”
His voice had changed, deep and threatening, and Cassie was taken back to her childhood when she would sit in the first row at church, frightened more by the sound of his voice than the words he spoke. But she shook herself. She wasn’t a little girl anymore.
The moment seemed to unfold before her in slow motion. Her father’s face was red with anger but Luke’s had turned passive, easily dismissing his words. Cassie found all eyes on her and she knew, in that moment, that she would have to make a life decision. Right now. There would be no more skirting the issue, no turning back. She could either try to make a life with Luke, a life without her father in it, or she could try to rebuild the relationship with her father, a relationship that could never include Luke.
Cassie turned to meet Luke’s eyes, seeing love and understandŹing crowding out the hurt.
“I’m sorry,” Luke murmured.
She started to turn, but Cassie grabbed her arm, letting her finŹgers slide down to entwine with Luke’s.
“No, Luke. I’m sorry.”
“Child, what are you doing?”
Her father’s voice shook her but Luke’s hand tightened, giving her the strength she needed.
She raised her head high and met her father’s angry stare.
“I’m not a child. Luke is much more than a friend to me, Father. I’ll not have you speak to her that way.”
“You’re sick. You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“I know exactly what I’m saying. Luke and I are …” She turned to Luke for help, stumbling over the words.
“Tell him.”
“Luke and I are lovers.”
His gasp became a growl, and he clutched at his chest.
“My God, look what they’ve done to you.” Then he turned on Kim, pointing angrily at her. “You! This is all your fault. You should be locked away somewhere.”
Cassie grabbed his arm. “No, Father, this is not Kim’s fault.”
He turned quickly and slapped her hard across the face, causing her to stumble back into Luke’s arms. She stared at him in disbeŹlief. He had never once struck her, but seeing the rage in his eyes now, she had no doubt he would do it again.
Luke stepped between them, a dangerous glint in her eyes as she faced him.
“Don’t you ever hit her again.” When he would have spoken, Luke raised her hand and pointed at him. “No, you listen to me. Cassie is one of the kindest, gentlest people I’ve ever met. She wouldn’t dream of hurting another living thing. Now that I’ve met you, it’s a wonder she has any spirit left. It’s not Kim’s fault. It’s not my fault. It’s not even Cassie’s fault. She is who she is. It’s as simple as that.”
They all stood in stunned silence, but he found his voice first.
“You will all rot in hell,” he spat.
“For what? For loving someone?” Luke asked. “You are so filled with hate, if I were you, I’d be worrying about my own soul.”
He looked as if he wanted to strike Luke, but she stood her ground. Instead, he turned to Cassie.
“Cassandra, you will come home with me this instant. We can get you help. You can still be saved.”
Cassie finally found her voice. “No. This is who I am. And I feel like I have been saved.”
“Then you are no longer a daughter of mine. You’ll have no family now.”
Kim spoke for the first time. “When have you ever treated her like a daughter? Cassie’s tried to please you her entire life, but what did she get from you in return? A father who despised her? A father who wouldn’t even let her contact her own mother?”
He gasped at her words, and his cold stare caused Kim to take a step backward, but she didn’t lower her eyes. Cassie wondered if anyone had ever spoken to him like Luke and Kim just had.
They all stood there in stunned silence, looking from one to the other, questions lingering in everyone’s eyes.
“It is certainly none of your business. And I will not discuss this here,” he said, his voice quieting. He glanced at Cassie briefly. “I think I’d like you to take me back now.”
Cassie had never seen him this resigned before. His voice was quiet, submissive almost, and she very nearly felt very sorry for him, but she wasn’t willing to give in. She may have lost him, but that was his choice. Like Luke said, his hatred was very deep.
“Okay. I’ll take you back.”
“I’ll be waiting outside. I don’t want to spend another minute in this house of sin.”
He left them standing in the kitchen and their eyes went from one to the other slowly. It was Kim who finally broke the tension.
“I’d say that went pretty well. At least no one’s in the hospital.”
Cassie’s relieved chuckle turned into an outright laugh.
“I love you guys,” she said. “Thanks for sticking up for me.” She took Luke’s hand and pulled her into a hug. “This probably isn’t the best time to tell you this, but… I’m in love with you,” she whispered into her ear.
She pulled away before Luke could comment, mostly out of fear of what her reaction would be. Luke stood silently, stunned, as Cassie hugged both Kim and Lisa.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay with him?” Kim asked.
“I’ll be fine. I doubt he’s going to lock me in his trunk and haul me to the nearest mental hospital.”
“But maybe Luke should go with you,” Lisa suggested. “Just in case things get ugly.”
“I’ll be fine,” Cassie said. “I think it would be worse if Luke were there.”
“I’d feel better
if you’d let me come.”
Cassie met Luke’s eyes, and she trembled at all she saw there. She walked over to her and kissed her softly on the mouth.
“Thank you. But I need to be able to do this. I’ve spent too many years cowering to him. If he decides he wants nothing to do with me after this, then that’s his choice. I’ve got my own life to live.”
She let her eyes linger on Luke’s, memorizing them, drawing strength from the love she saw there.
Chapter Thirty-five
The ride home was made in complete silence, and Cassie glanced several times in his direction, but his gaze was focused only on the road. Twice she opened her mouth to speak only to close it again. She could not find the words to begin, and she thought it might be safer in the comfort of her own home.
When she pulled to a stop, they both sat there for a moment, then he opened the door and got out, slamming it just a little too hard, she noticed. She halfway expected him to pack his things and leave right then, but he was waiting for her in the living room.
“I’ve been thinking maybe you’re doing this to punish me in some way,” he started.
“I know you can’t possibly understand this. You won’t even allow yourself to try.”
“Understand? It’s unnatural” he hissed.
“Do you think I wanted this?” she asked. “Don’t you think I fought these desires?”
“The Devil’s temptation.”
“No. That’s what you taught me to believe, but no.”
“It is against God’s will,” he stated.
“How can you say that? For the first time in my life I feel someŹthing for someone. All these years, I’ve dated men, but I was never attracted to them. But because of your teachings, I would never consider that it was because I was attracted to women instead. Because you taught me it was wrong.”
“It is wrong,” he insisted.
“You would rather I spend my life alone? Miserable, like you?”
“It would be better than the hell you’ve invited.”
Cassie paced across the floor, wondering how she could explain to him how she was feeling, wondering if it would even do any good.
“I’ve fallen in love for the first time in my life. I’m thirty-three years old, and I’ve never known such joy before. Luke makes me feel things I always thought were for others to have, not me. Am I to deny myself these wonderful feelings because you say they’re not God’s way? Are you saying it’s God’s way that I feel miserable and depressed and alone again? This happiness I’m feeling surely is a gift from God.”
“She’s a woman! Have you no shame?”
“Shame? For what? For loving someone?” She walked to him, desperately wanting him to understand. “Don’t you see? For the first time in my life, I feel complete. I’m sorry that some man couldn’t make me feel this. But I’ve accepted who I am and what I am. I’m not going to run from this, no matter what you say. And if you feel like you don’t want me in your life, just because of this, then that’s your choice. If you can’t accept this about me, if you can’t accept Luke in my life, then there’s no point in us even trying to maintain any kind of a relationship.”
He stared at her for the longest time then let out a heavy breath. He closed his eyes briefly, as if fighting with himself.
“I can’t accept this,” he stated quietly.
“So be it,” Cassie said, turning away from him.
“Your mother left us for a woman,” he finally murmured. “And I tried my whole life to protect you from that.”
“What?” His words were like a blow to her, so unexpected. She sunk down onto the sofa without looking, dazed beyond belief. Her mother? A lesbian?
“That’s why you hate so?” she whispered.
“Your mother was an… artist, too. She painted, started taking classes. That’s where she met her.”
So much made sense to Cassie now. Just a few words from him, and she understood a lifetime of hate. His hatred of gays. His hatred of artists. His position in the church just gave him an excuse for his preaching when all along it had been so very personal for him.
“I’m sorry. I can only imagine your hurt,” she said quietly. “But you had no right to keep me from her. She was still my mother.”
“I didn’t want her to poison you with her beliefs.”
“Instead, you poisoned me with yours,” she said before she could stop herself.
“You never had any contact with her at all, yet you turned out exactly like she did.”
“Where is she?” Cassie whispered. “What happened to her?”
She didn’t expect him to answer. She wasn’t sure he even knew. She watched as conflicting emotions crossed his face and he abruptly turned and left, leaving the front door standing open.
When he returned, he had a bundle in his hands, an assortment of letters bound by rubber bands.
“The last one came about five years ago. From Seattle. Then Saturday, I got another one.”
He silently handed them over to her and with shaking hands she took them. Tears flooded her eyes as she flipped through the envelopes, all unopened, all addressed to her.
All these years, her mother had been writing to her. And getting nothing in return. Cassie let out a great sob and brought the letters to her chest. Her mother hadn’t forgotten about her after all.
“Why?”
He frowned, shaking his head, not knowing what to say.
“All these years, I thought she had deserted me. I thought she never tried to contact me. Do you know how hard it was for a child, a teenager, to live with the thought that her mother didn’t want to know her?” Cassie’s sobs shook her body. “How could you do that to a child?”
“At first, you were too young,” he explained. “Then later, we never talked about her. I wasn’t sure you even remembered her. By the time you were a teenager, it just never seemed to be the right time. And I was scared,” he said.
“Scared of what?”
“Scared that you would leave me. I was afraid of what the letters said. I was afraid she would ask you to come to her and subject you to her perverted lifestyle.”
He moved away from her when she didn’t reply. “I know, after everything that’s happened, you probably don’t care one way or the other if I’m in your life or not. I guess I always feared this day would come. I knew, with you hanging out with Kim and her kind, that she would influence you. And I knew that one day, I was going to have to give you those letters.”
Cassie wiped her eyes, trying to compose herself. She had no idea how to respond to him. “First of all, my sexuality is not an issue to discuss. It wasn’t a choice I made to get back at you, as you seem to think. In fact, because of you, I fought this for so long. But like I said, Luke makes me happy. And if you want to make me choose between the two of you, you’re going to lose, so it’s really your decision.”
He turned his back to her for a moment, as if collecting himself. “I cannot, as a good Christian, accept this. I don’t know that I can ever accept it. In my eyes, what you’re doing is wrong. A sin. And honestly, I don’t know what you could possibly have with this woman.”
“Have? You mean sexually?” Cassie asked.
“I don’t even want to think about that, Cassandra. No, I mean, what do you hope to have with her? What kind of life?”
“I guess I don’t understand. A relationship is a relationship, regardless of the sex of the partners. I guess I want what Kim and Lisa have. A home together, a life together.”
“And why can’t you have that with a man, Cassandra? Why must you go against God?”
She let out a heavy sigh, not knowing how to make him underŹstand. “It’s not just sexual, although that is a big part of it. I just connect with Luke, on all levels. Emotionally, she gives me what I need. And if things don’t work out with Luke, I still wouldn’t want a life with a man.”
“All these years, I’ve tried to think of what I did wrong with your mother. Was it was something I did to mak
e her change? She never asked for much, but when she did, I gave it to her. She seemed to enjoy the life we had in the church. But I think back, she didn’t have many friends.” He paced slowly across her living room, head bent down as he spoke. “When we would have couples over for dinner, she was always distant with them. Polite, but distant. I think she would have rather been in the kitchen taking care of you than entertaining with me.”
Cassie felt his need to tell her what happened all those years ago, his version anyway, so she let him talk, not wanting to interŹrupt with her own thoughts on what had happened.
“She always sketched. It was the one thing she seemed to find genuine joy in. When she asked if she could take a class to learn to paint, I agreed without hesitation. I felt she was getting restless. I thought she needed something of her own, something other dian the church and the friendships we had established there. I saw the change in her right away. She would pack you up along with all of her painting stuff and go to a park or to the bay, often coming home just in time to start dinner.” He cleared his throat before continuing. “And that’s when she stopped being interested in me. It was as if she couldn’t stand my touch anymore. I had no idea what was going on with her. She wouldn’t talk to me. I found her many times in the backyard, holding you and crying.”
Cassie could imagine the turmoil a young mother and wife would
be going through nearly thirty years ago, with no one to help her, no support groups. No one for her to talk to about it. Except maybe the woman she had met. The woman she had left them for.
“I remember so clearly the day she told me. She said she had met someone, said that she had fallen in love. She said she was going to leave and take you with her. It was such a shock, so totally unexpected. Divorce was not something that happened often back then, and certainly not in our church. My first thought was how it would look to the members of the church. My second thought was that she was taking you with her, to have some other man raise you. I pleaded with her, I threatened her, begged her to give us another chance. Then she told me it wasn’t a man. She didn’t understand it anymore than I did, but she was in love with this woman, and she didn’t want me anymore.”