by Gerri Hill
Cassie heard the agony in his voice, even after all these years. And it dawned on her that he’d had no one to talk to either. He couldn’t very well have gone to one of his friends or anyone from his church. No one could have sympathized or understood. He would have been condemned right along with her mother. He had suffered through it all alone.
“I told her to get out. To go live her perverted life, if she wanted, but there was no way she was taking my daughter with her. No way she was going to expose you to that kind of life.”
“I’m sorry,” Cassie whispered. She had no words to console him, and she wished with all her heart that he would have had the courage to tell her all this years ago.
His shoulders sagged, but his voice hardened.
“She left with nothing but her clothes. I wouldn’t even let her take your baby pictures. I watched from the window and … that woman picked her up on the corner. I never saw her again. But I had saved you. Or so I thought.”
Cassie could imagine his hurt back then, watching as his wife walked out of his life for good. She could also imagine the grief a young mother would be feeling, walking away from a safe, secure life … her child, all for the sake of love. She understood, at that
very moment, the power of love. But that understanding did nothŹing to take away her own hurt.
“I’m only telling you this because I thought you deserved to know. Perhaps it might explain my actions when you were a child. Apparently, her influence was too strong, even at your young age.”
“I deserved to know all of this years ago. I deserved the opporŹtunity to know my mother.”
“You have the letters. I’m sure anything you need to know will be answered there.”
“Why did you keep them?”
“I honestly don’t know.”
“Guilt, perhaps?”
His eyes flashed at her. “I have nothing to feel guilty about. I’m not the one that willingly left behind a spouse and child for a life of sin.” He began throwing his few things into the suitcase.
“But you’re leaving now?” she asked.
“Yes. I am going back to my church. And I will pray for you. But I will never accept this. If you choose to destroy your life, I’ll not be apart of it.”
Cassie nodded. She knew it would come to this and strangely, she didn’t feel sad. She felt relieved. He would no longer be there to criticize her, to belittle her. She could live her life in happiness and not worry about offending him or disappointing him. It was truly her life now.
“I hope you’re happy now.”
Cassie laughed. “No you don’t. You want me to be miserable, like you’ve been. I’ve wasted enough years of my life trying to please you. Now, I’m going to please myself.”
“Well, it’s your choice not to have your own father in your life. You have to live with that.”
“No, no. You’re not laying that guilt on me. It’s your choice.”
“Don’t you see? You leave me no other option.”
“As you wish,” Cassie whispered.
Chapter Thirty-six
Cassie sat quietly on her patio, the pre-dawn light just beginŹning to hint of the sunrise soon to come. She pulled the blanket closer around her to ward off the morning chill and closed her eyes. She didn’t know how many hours she had been sitting out here, replaying scenes from the previous day, and scenes from her childhood.
Her father had simply driven off without another word and Cassie had sunk into her chair, listening to the sounds of his car fading as he drove out of her life. The emptiness that she expected never came. And it was with a sense of guilt that she felt relief.
She had called Kim. Luke had just left there, so she waited a few minutes before calling her house. Luke had wanted to come over, but Cassie needed some time alone, and she hoped Luke underŹstood.
She stared at the bundle of letters for the longest time, wonderŹing why she was hesitating opening them. It was just too much for
one day, she decided. But she couldn’t sleep. She finally crawled out of bed and poured a glass of wine, taking it with her to the patio. Thunderstorms were flashing in the distance, and she could smell the rain. She probably should have gone to Luke’s, crawled into bed beside her, and slept. But she was still too wound up to sleep. She would let the new day break, then she would go to Luke’s. They would talk. And Luke would hold her.
Cassie nodded, holding the coffee cup that had replaced the wine of earlier. Yes, Luke would hold her and everything would be okay. She leaned her head back, watching the fading stars as the sun rose and chased them from the sky. It was peaceful. She stretched her legs out, a feeling of contented bliss so strong it actuŹally made her laugh. But again, the slight sense of guilt sobered her. Her father was gone from her life, most likely forever. But she had a whole new life to start with Luke. And possibly with her mother.
She sat for another half-hour, long enough for the sun to warm her. But someone else beckoned, and she stood and stretched, feelŹing a growing urgency to go to Luke.
Cassie was slightly nervous as she drove to Luke’s. Their brief conversation on the phone last night had not touched on the ‘I think I’m in love with you’ statement that Cassie had blurted out. She had been so preoccupied with her father that she hadn’t even thought about her admission of love to Luke.
But now, alone, they would have time to talk. Luke would want to know what had happened with her father, yes, but they had their own issues to discuss. She wondered if Luke would bring up Cassie’s profession of love. Maybe Luke would dismiss it as just a fleeting emotion brought on by the stress of the night. She shook her head, no. Perhaps the stress of the evening had caused her to blurt it out like she had, but it was no fleeting emotion. Cassie felt it deep in her soul. Luke was the one she had been waiting for all of her life.
The door opened before Cassie could knock. Luke stood there in her T-shirt and ever-present faded jeans, bare feet sticking out. Then the lazy smile Cassie loved transformed her face as their eyes held.
“Hi, sweetheart.”
Cassie’s eyes slid closed at the soft endearment and she fell into Luke’s waiting arms, wrapping her own securely around Luke’s waist and burying her face into Luke’s neck. Strong arms held her as Cassie relaxed in Luke’s warmth, feeling calmness settle over her. Gentle lips kissed her forehead and she sighed, breathing in Luke’s scent.
“Are you okay?” Luke finally whispered.
Cassie nodded. “I just need you to hold me for a minute.”
“I’ve got you, for as long as you like.”
Yes, you’ve got me. For the rest of my life, I hope. She gave Luke a squeeze before pulling out of her arms.
Luke’s kiss was gentle, unhurried, hiding the passion that Cassie saw simmering in her eyes.
“Do you want to talk?”
Cassie met her eyes. Talk? “Just for a minute. Then I want to be in your arms.”
Luke’s hand found hers, and their fingers entwined, then Luke pulled Cassie after her, slowly mounting the stairs to the loft.
They lay down sideways on the bed, both fully clothed. Cassie curled up at Luke’s side, slipping one arm over her waist and restŹing her head on Luke’s breast, sighing contentedly.
Luke waited patiently for Cassie to speak, simply stroking her back with a lazy hand.
“I found out why my father has so much hatred,” she started. “My mother left him for another woman, an artist.”
Luke’s hand stilled.
“Jesus. No wonder,” she said quietly. “So much makes sense now. I was really afraid he was going to convince you to run from me, from this. That once he got you alone …”
“No, Luke. I told him not to make me choose between the two
of you, because he would lose. I got a few things off of my chest before he left,” she said.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m not. I can finally see him for what he is. A pathetic, lonely old man filled with hatred. And I know that it’s hi
s choice. But he shed some light about my mother, and he gave me a bunch of letŹters that she’d been sending all these years.”
“You’re kidding. Why did he have them?”
“I don’t know why he kept them. He wouldn’t say. I don’t know why he had them in his car, either. Maybe he couldn’t bear to have them in his house.”
“What did they say?” Luke asked.
Cassie’s hand traced circles on Luke’s shirt, finally slipping underneath to meet warm skin.
“I haven’t opened them yet.”
Luke seemed to understand her hesitation. Cassie felt lips kiss the top of her head and felt Luke’s arm tighten around her.
“There’s plenty of time for that. You’ve had a lot happen in the last few days.”
“Yes,” Cassie murmured, letting her hand slide dangerously close to Luke’s bare breasts. She smiled as she felt Luke’s sharp intake of breath at her touch.
“Cassie?”
“Hmm?”
“Did you mean… what you said?”
Cassie watched Luke, but her eyes were closed, waiting. There was no need to pretend. She knew exactly what Luke was referring to. Cassie, too, closed her eyes for a moment, then slid her hand the few inches to completely capture Luke’s breast.
“Yes,” she whispered. “I’m in love with you.”
Luke opened her eyes then, finding Cassie looking back at her. Cassie waited, watching silently as different emotions crossed Luke’s face. Finally, Luke’s eyes closed again.
“I’m very glad.” Then, a soft smile. “I didn’t want to be the only one who felt this way, you know.”
“You don’t think it’s too soon, do you?”
“Too soon?” Luke’s eyes fluttered open. “I fell in love with you months ago.”
Luke pulled Cassie on top of her, finding her mouth, kissing her passionately, possessively. “I couldn’t sleep last night at all. I kept hearing your words over and over again, until I was certain I had only imagined them.”
“No, you didn’t imagine anything.” Cassie pressed her hips intimately against Luke, feeling the now familiar sensations rock her body. “I never thought I could feel this way for someone.”
Luke’s hands cupped her hips, sliding over rounded buttocks to press Cassie closer against her. Their kiss was slow, lips touching lips, tongues reacquainting themselves until their passion wouldn’t allow a leisurely pace. Cassie moaned when Luke rolled them over and settled her weight on Cassie. Cassie’s hands slid under Luke’s T-shirt, softly caressing her smooth back.
“I love you,” Luke whispered into her mouth before claiming her soundly.
The stress of the last few days washed away as Cassie closed her mind to everything except Luke and the hands now molding her body. She didn’t protest when Luke sat up and pulled first her own, then Cassie’s shirt off and tossed them on the floor. Cassie’s hands cupped small, firm breasts, then guided Luke over her, her mouth hungry as she feasted. She trembled as the nipple swelled in her mouth, and she let her tongue lick the rounded bud until Luke pressed her breast harder against Cassie’s mouth and she opened again, sucking more of Luke inside.
“Yes, harder,” Luke murmured.
Cassie moaned too, as her fingers rubbed Luke’s other breast before turning her attention back to Luke’s mouth, taking the offered tongue inside. Her legs parted, and Luke settled between them, jeans hindering their desire to be close. Luke rolled away in frustration, quickly shedding her jeans before tackling Cassie’s. Cassie kicked them away impatiently and pulled Luke down to her naked body, sighing contentedly as she wrapped arms and legs around Luke.
“I can’t get close enough,” Luke whispered into her ear.
“I know. I want you inside me.”
Their eyes held, then Luke shifted her weight slightly, allowing room for her hand to move between them. Her touch was soft on Cassie’s heated flesh, but Cassie wanted her to hurry. Her hips surged up to meet Luke’s hand, but Luke’s hand continued down her thigh, gendy caressing, teasing.
“Please,” Cassie begged.
Luke smiled against her mouth, rubbing her tongue seductively across Cassie’s lips. “Always in a hurry, aren’t you?”
Cassie growled deep in her throat, then rolled them over. She straddled Luke’s thigh, rubbing her wetness against Luke, pressing her throbbing center hard against Luke.
“Oh, Cassie,” Luke whispered, and she cupped Cassie’s hips and held her.
“Do you feel me? Do you feel how wet I am?”
Cassie lowered her mouth to Luke’s breast, her tongue raking lightly over the swollen tip before taking it inside. Luke groaned and grasped Cassie’s head, holding her there, pressing Cassie’s mouth harder against her.
Cassie used her knee to urge Luke’s legs farther apart, then she settled between them, lowering herself until they touched. Luke arched into her, hips rocking against hips as they strained to touch, to get as close as possible.
“Please, go inside me,” Luke whispered hoarsely.
Cassie lifted slightly and slid her hand between them, moaning loudly as the silky wetness enveloped her fingers. She easily slipped fingers inside Luke, feeling Luke’s muscles close around her. With her hips, she drove herself deeper inside Luke, only to pull out slowly before pushing in again. Her hips set the pace as she pulled in and out of Luke and she lost herself in the sensation of being inside her. Luke’s hips rose to meet each thrust, and Cassie rocked against her, faster and faster, until she felt Luke’s contractions against her fingers, heard the guttural sounds Luke couldn’t supŹpress. She let go then, let her own orgasm overtake her, and they cried out in unison at their mutual climax.
Cassie lay limp upon Luke, her fingers still within her wetness. Her skin was damp with perspiration, as she tried to catch her breath.
“Okay?” Luke murmured.
Cassie smiled. “Perfect.”
She felt Luke’s arms fold around her, and she snuggled deeper, gently nuzzling Luke’s neck, too spent to go any further.
Cassie felt herself slipping into a peaceful sleep as Luke’s hands slowly caressed her back, relaxing her totally.
Chapter Thirty-seven
Cassie settled on the steps of Luke’s deck with her coffee. The sun was barely over the horizon and the morning air was cool, but Cassie wanted to savor this time alone. She had slipped out of Luke’s arms, leaving her lover sleeping peacefully in bed. They had finally fallen into an exhausted sleep in the early morning hours. They talked a lot, had taken time for a light lunch and a late dinner, but mostly had spent their time loving each other. Cassie blushed when she remembered begging Luke to skip dinner and make love to her yet again. By the time they finally made it downŹstairs, Cassie was ravenous.
She sighed contentedly, wondering how her life could have changed so quickly. If anyone had told her three months ago that she would be madly in love with a woman … and that same woman madly in love with her, she would have laughed and disŹmissed the comment with the ease she had dismissed Kim all these years. And if that same person would have told her that she would
finally stand up to her father, Cassie would have told them to seek therapy quickly. But not only had that happened, the real possibilŹity existed of finally contacting her mother.
She glanced at the letters beside her. That is, if she could find the courage to open them and seek her out.
She shivered slightly and sipped from her coffee, absently watching the storm clouds forming, moving in from the Pacific. It would rain soon, she knew. She could smell it in the air.
She was still sitting on the steps when Luke came out nearly an hour later, two cups of coffee in her hand. Cassie turned at the sound of her footsteps, and their eyes locked.
“Hey.”
Luke’s voice was quiet and in that one word, Cassie heard the love of her life calling. Luke’s eyes were full of concern and comŹpassion … and love. Mostly love. Cassie knew then that nothing else really mattered.
“Hey yourself.” Cassie scooted over to make room for her. Luke folded her long frame next to Cassie and handed her the hot cup of coffee. Cassie bumped Luke’s shoulder playfully and was rewarded with that smile she loved so.
“Everything okay?”
“Perfect,” Cassie said. “Absolutely perfect.”
Luke nodded and they both sipped from their coffee, eyes still locked.
“You have the letters out. Are you ready to open them?”
Cassie shook her head. “Not just yet. But soon.”
They were quiet, both looking out over the meadow.
“Going to rain today,” Luke said.
“Yes.”
“Maybe we could put on a pot of chili, have a fire,” Luke sugŹgested.
“Like that first time?”
Luke smiled. “Yes, just like that first time.”
“I’ll really glad it stormed that night.”
“Me, too.” Then Luke’s eyes turned serious. “You know, you
could always bring some clothes and things over … to leave here… Justin case.”
“Just in case?” Cassie smiled at the light blush that crept up Luke’s face.
“Nothing. It’s too soon. I’m sorry.”
Cassie slipped her hand inside Luke’s arm, rubbing lightly against her skin. “Tell me.”
“It’s just, I like … sleeping with you, waking up with you.” Luke met her eyes, albeit, a bit shyly. “I mean, I know it’s too soon to talk about moving in together, but maybe, you know, occasionŹally … oh, hell.”
Cassie squeezed her arm, totally charmed by Luke’s embarrassŹment. “I love you, Luke. And I think it would be great if you could spare me some room in your closet.”
“Yeah? You do?”
“I want to be with you, too,” she whispered.
“Good. Because I want to be here for you, whatever you need. When you open those letters, I want to share that with you. If you decide to contact your mother, I want to be right beside you. If you decide to have a showing at Union Square, I want to be there supŹporting you.” Luke took Cassie’s hand and placed it over her breast. “I never thought I’d trust anyone with my heart again, you know. But I love you very much, Cass. I think we have something really, really special between us.”