What the Heart Desires

by Jaime Derelle

  “I will...” The two words came out of her mouth in a faint volume. She tried to come up with a way to delay or avoid any other advice or suggestion from her father, although she could not think at that moment whether or not she will. She saw images from the last four years dancing in front of her, telling her that she had changed her life as a result of such a meeting that was going on again. There were no thoughts about Ken or whether or not he was worth marrying had crossed her mind while she sat on that couch under the yellow lights in front of her father. All she could do was a nod, to which her father replied.

  “Okay. Good. I knew you would. I appreciate it, a lot.” He looked genuinely happy. Becky wondered if she married Ken, would it be profitable for her father. If all of it was a deal between her father and Mr. Brandon. She wondered. When silence was all that was left in the room, Becky knew it was time to leave. Those yellow lights were annoying her sight anyway.

  Becky went through the conversation she had just had with her father as she turned under the blanket and cuddled with a soft pillow. Although she did not speak much, it was still a conversation. She now gave it a bit of thought to what she did not think of then, in his room. Does she want to marry Ken? Is he worth it? Will she be happy? The first question had a confusing answer so she never really got to think about the third question. She asked herself again. Do I want to marry Ken Brandon? No… I may have found refuge from sadness in his company but I did not particularly love him, she thought. Becky liked him, but she could not, in any way, imagine being married to Ken. She felt confused about something, was it because she was back in the city where Chris lived or because Ken was not someone she loved? Whatever it was, it was eating her up, but she had decided that she will not marry Ken. She was not even sure if she will revive what she once had with Chris. Questions and chances were the factors she relied on. Leaving the rest for the future, she fell asleep.

  Chapter 10

  For the next couple of days, there was no talk of either Chris or Ken. Becky’s father did not summon her to his room. She avoided having any thoughts about either Chris or Ken. None of them called, texted, or came to see her. Becky had not decided when she will go to Chris’s boathouse again to check if he was back. She needed time so she kept herself busy. Some other college friends had set up a reunion, which she attended. Becky had also joined a gym and got deeper into the hobby of reading. Peace was something she craved for after getting out of that life with Clara. A life with Clara involved everybody either shouting or laughing their asses off or partying and dancing to loud music. Occasionally she got time to sit alone and read in peace. Now that she had her room back and her car stood in the garage, she could go and buy new books from the library and read them in the comfort of her room. A place in which only the servants disturbed her to give her food. Becky had no siblings.

  She wore a peach colored tank top and ink blue jeans, she got into her car after she met with a college friend. She headed for the library in the city to issue some books as she had read all of her books in her shelf. However, the fuel tank of her car was almost empty. She turned to the nearest fuel station to get more fuel. After she had fueled up her car, she felt the urge to buy snacks from the smart mart. She seemed happy at the moment, contended. She felt like her life was going the right way, for now at least. She felt a kind of satisfaction until she went up to the cashier.

  She paid the cashier the money she owed for the snacks. When she something she had not seen in years. It was Chris. He stood there, almost a couple of feet away from her, looking at her. She could not believe her eyes; they were looking at Chris. The same Chris from before. It took moments for her to realize that it was not a dream and since they were standing in front of each other, she was supposed to say something. She guessed that he had the same feeling of astonishment.

  “Hey.” Chris smiled and started the conversation. Becky felt a current running through her veins on listening to his voice… his heavy yet amazing voice.

  “Hi.” A trembled greeting was all she could manage. He took his hand out of his jacket and moved towards her. He wanted to shake hands. She could tell he was really confused. She took his hand and shook it, and tried to think of the last time they shook hands so formally but could not remember. “How are you?” she asked what she wanted to ask for a year now.

  “I’m good, really. How are you?” All that time, both of them were looking right into each other’s eyes.

  “Me too. Good.” Becky smiled, Chris sighed. She swallowed, thinking about whether or not she should ask a hundred questions that had risen up in her mind. She thought of whether or not she should tell him that she came to look for him at his boathouse, two days ago. For some reason, some unknown reason, she decided to stay quiet. They stood standing in a smart mart, near the cashier and was in front of a half a dozen other people. This was not the time to say the things that were kept up inside for a year. “How’s… everything?” Becky forced the question out, in order to continue the conversation.

  “Everything’s great,” he said and paused as he scribbled his fingers on the cash counter. He continued, “we should meet up, sometimes, somewhere, I guess.”

  “Yeah, totally. We’ll meet then, somewhere.” Becky said. She felt like there was nothing more left to say for now. “So, see you later,” she said and turned around to leave, smiling the widest of her smiles.

  “Sure. See ya,” replied Chris.

  She got into the car and started the engine; she held the steering wheel tight as if she was trying to hold on to herself. To begun to digest what had just happened. She took a glance at the smart mart and saw him looking at her; he smiled. She smiled back.

  Gears were always something she forgot to change while driving, but this time, she changed gears correctly and honked at the other cars and drove speedily, she tried to avoid any thoughts. They had met after four and a half years, and that is all they say? That is all there is left to talk about? How are you and how is everything? Becky felt angry on herself more than him. Was this the conversation you were dying to have? She then calmed herself down by judging the situation they were both in. She had waited to see his face and maybe he had too. This must explain why neither of them could say much because they were not done looking at the face. Maybe, while deep inside, she danced with joy of meeting him after all this time.

  Chapter 11

  It became difficult to concentrate on the storyline while she read a book. Her mind went off to their meeting at the smart mart. She was glad but worried. She worried about the nature of their first conversation they had in years. She wanted their future conversation to change because that was not how Chris and Beck used to talk with each other. She wanted to go to his boathouse again and talk to him, revive what seemed to be lost and tell him that she still feels something for him. Yet, she could not decide when to go.

  Another two days passed since she met Chris. Everything had one the same way as before. Life was good, until = her father summoned her again. She had no idea what he wanted now. Maybe he just wants to know if I talked to Ken. she thought.

  “Hey, princess.” Becky did not really like it when he called her that now. “Sit,” He said, and Becky sat, on the same sofa under the yellow lights with her hands folded on her lap. He talked and talked, and Becky listened with no expressions on her face. She had not expected her father to do what he did.

  Becky had not communicated to Ken about what her father had asked her to. In response, Becky’s father he did it all himself. Becky’s father had personally talked about Becky’s marriage with Ken to Mr. Brandon and invited them to lunch so that they could all sit and talk together. He had called Becky to his room to tell her that Ken and his family were coming the next day. Like always, he had ‘demanded’ more than he had ‘asked’ and Becky just sat there, trying to make up the situation.

  Dad is serious about Ken. He wants me to marry him. They’re coming to lunch tomorrow.

  Becky spent all night thinking about her arranged marriage
proposal and slept hardly an hour. When the sun knocked on her window, she kept staring at the window. She kept thinking while staring at the window. It was soon lunch time and Ken’s family had arrived. Ken’s father looked like a cunning businessman, no wonder her dad was eager to establish a relationship with Ken’s family. Ken’s mother was also a working woman. No doubt, they had brought Ken up nicely, but the only problem was that she was not interested in him. Everybody had lunch. The families talked, bonded with one another and the topic of their marriage was then discussed. Everyone had agreed to the decision that Ken and Becky were to get married. The date of the engagement or marriage was to be decided after Christmas, which was only a week away. Ken had passed a smile to Becky as they had lunch, but Becky did not respond.

  As soon as Ken and his family left, she got into her car and drove to Chris’s boathouse. The 10-minute walking distance was shortened to 5 minutes in the car. She knocked on the door, and it half opened this time. Chris stood there but soon invited her in. They sat on the corners of his bed and talked.

  “You look stronger.” Becky was not in the mood to fake any compliments or smiles so she went on with honest talk. Chris smiled, and Becky felt like she was talking to the old Chris, already.

  “You look prettier.” She was not sure if he meant it, a lot of guys complimented her in university and she was tired of listening to them. She smiled back. They got into a nice conversation, one that felt a bit like old times. They asked questions from each other which were honestly answered. They laughed, they Oh-ed, and they laughed more. They were both having a good time when he revealed that he had left the university in his third year.

  “Why?” Becky was astonished.

  “Dad got sick. He’s still unhealthy. His medicines took up all the money so we couldn’t afford the expenses of the university, I had to drop out. And I had to look after his work too, earn for groceries and the rent. Difficult times.” Chris looked down at the floor while he talked. Becky’s heart sank. She felt guilty. He had been away since the last year because of this, because he was helping his father, and she had thought that he had changed. “Although we’re good now. That smart mart at the gas station, where we met, that’s mine. I earn enough money now.” Becky told her how she missed him when their contact had ceased that year, how she thought of him every day. This brought him to tears. “I’m sorry.” he said. Becky hugged him, telling him that it was not his fault. Both cried, sitting on the bed, just like they did four years ago.

  “I’m getting married.” Becky said while she hugged him.

  “What?”

  “Dad has fixed it with an acquaintance’s son.”

  “But… I love you.” They hugged again. “I’d been waiting for you for so long.” They hugged tighter. “When things were messed up and I couldn’t contact you, I wished that somehow you’d come back to me and be with me so that I could stay strong. That day when I saw you at the mart, I couldn’t control my happiness and waited for every second for you. I love you so much.” He kissed on her head and she cried even harder. “Please don’t go away again… Please. I need you. You’re my Beck. My Beck. Don’t go away.” Both of them were broken, even more, than they were four years ago.

  “I love you too… more than anything, but… I can’t. I can’t deny dad’s order. I can’t stop it. I can’t.” They separated as Becky cried with her head in her hands and got up. She ran out of his boathouse and drove off.

  Chapter 12

  Becky and Chris do not meet for another week, until Christmas. She took that week for herself and kept on thinking. Her father mentioned Ken, Ken’s father, and the marriage at least twice every day. his excitement was visible and so was Becky’s disinterest.

  Becky had always loved winter, so when at nights she could not sleep she would step out of the house into the deep snow and will just sit there. The events that took place in her life gave her a lot to think about, it also took away the ability to sleep peacefully. When she tried to sleep, she would dream of getting married to Ken, tears running down her face as Chris sits in the audience watching her take her vows. She also dreamt of Chris’s crying face, which never let her sleep soundly. The way he had hugged her told her that he loved her, how he needed her was something she could not ignore. Chris had never expressed himself like that. She knew when he was kidding and when he meant what he said. She had no idea why she was afraid to confront her dad, Ken, or even Chris. She had to stop at least one thing from happening. She either needs to talk to Ken to call off the decision of their marriage or talk to her own father and tell him that she does not want what he wanted. Yet, she ended up doing nothing. She spent the week like a ghost in her house. She woke up hours after the sun had risen up and slept just before the sun rose. Becky felt like she was going crazy. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner were brought to her bed where she either lied with a book or slept. Her father was rarely home, once a week. So when that week he came home they had lunch together, he could not even read the helplessness on her face. He kept talking and he assumed she was listening. However, in her head, she imagined how she and Chris’s life would have to turn out if they were together.

  Christmas came quick and Becky felt more miserable with the thought of getting married to Ken, along with the words that were spoken by Chris. She felt like she was in a labyrinth. On one end, stood her dad with Ken and at the other end, stood Chris. There was no way out. For seven days she ran around the labyrinth, crossing the mazes of given words, proposed love expressions, demands, requests, expectations, and indecisiveness. If she ran to the side where Ken and her dad stood, Chris’s tears would flood the labyrinth drowning her in it. If she ran to the side where Chris stood, her father would burn the whole labyrinth upon her. She lied on the bed, sat on her swing, stared at pages of her books, and weighed the two sides of the labyrinth. It was finally on the day of Christmas; she knew which end she needed to run to.

  She put her coat on and decided to not take the car keys. On foot, she ran. She ran towards her chosen end of the labyrinth. This time, it took her less than ten minutes.

  Becky had knocked on his door and he took almost 3 seconds to open it, as if he was sitting right there, knowing that she will come. “I’d been waiting for you.” Chris said in a low, loving voice.

  They hugged each other. They hugged until they felt like they had absorbed each other’s souls. They hugged until they cried. They hugged until they were satisfied. “It’s you.” whispered Becky. They parted, leaning on each other’s foreheads. “It’s you.” She repeated. “I’ve come to you. I can’t live without you.” He wiped the tears from her cheeks.

  “I knew you’d come. I was waiting. I knew. I love you, Beck.” Their voices were mixed with their cries and their eyes were fixed in one position, staring into each other’s eyes.

  “I love you too. And I can. I can deny my dad.” She now had a resolution in her voice. “I will not do what he has told me to. For once, I have to deny. I cannot imagine my life without you. I don’t want to be miserable all my life. For those four years I spent without you, I kept thinking of you every night. I don’t want to be miserable. I can deny.”

  “We will go through everything together, okay? We will talk to your dad, he will understand. I love you.” he said and kissed her forehead. She closed her eyes.

  “I can give up everything for you. You’re my happiness and one cannot live without happiness, right?”

  “Right, Beck. You’re my everything; my life.” They hugged again.

  She had chosen her end of the labyrinth. She had crossed all the mazes of given words, proposed love expressions, demands, requests, expectations, and indecisiveness. She had decided the future she will take and she will not change that decision at any cost. The soft, quiet Becky had finally rebelled against her father and nothing could put out the fire of her rebellion. For the first time in life, she had stood up for herself, for her love, and for her happiness. Becky knew she would have had nightmares the rest of her life if she never
came running to Chris. She knew she would become an insomniac for the love she had for Chris.

  That Christmas eve, Becky had made the life decision that decided her own fate. When only Chris’s touch could make her feel like she was healed, imagine how beautiful the rest of her life will be? When just a hug could rescue her out of the labyrinth, how comfortable the rest of her life would be? So she took out her phone, dialed her dad’s number and told him that this Christmas, she had found her home and that she had found Chris.

  Bonus Book - White Christmas

  White Christmas