What the Heart Desires

by Jaime Derelle

  This had to change. For the first time, she was relating some of her woes to her own behavior and decided that once a year would not be enough. She would come to church every Sunday from now on, so that even if the rest of her life remained in a mess there would be something to put her faith in at week’s end. Church was not a chore, would not become complicated and would not let her down. She did not need to mingle any more than she felt like and knew now that writing off the entire congregation because of the actions of a few was a mistake. Turning her back was her own doing and was certainly not what her mother would have wanted.

  Decision made.

  Was it the only decision she could make to change her current circumstances or were there more her mind had similarly been closed to?

  It was a surprise to her that pessimism wasn’t preventing her mind from thinking deeply on her predicament, but just then she was interrupted from any further analysis.

  ‘Excuse me,’ came a familiar sounding voice and she turned to find that none other than Priest Davey himself was standing beside her.

  ‘I’m very sorry to interrupt,’ he said, ‘but I left a bookmark earlier in that Good Book in front of you.’

  ‘Oh, this Bible you mean?’ she replied.

  ‘Yes,’ he said, ‘it’s a bad habit but I often start the day by sitting down and reading one of the books and for some reason this morning I chose that one.’

  ‘Well, here you go,’ she said, handing him the bible, ‘there’s plenty more I can choose from after all.’

  ‘Indeed,’ he replied, thanked her and apologized for interrupting again, but as he began to turn away Davey paused and held her gaze. ‘You were here on Christmas Eve, weren’t you?’

  ‘I was,’ she replied, amazed that he could recognize one face from so many people, but then maybe this is something priests are good at. ‘It was a lovely service.’

  ‘Well, thank you.’

  ‘I haven’t been for some time in truth.’

  ‘Really? Well, I’m glad you found it so worthwhile to bring you back so soon.’

  ‘Yes. I’m going to try for every Sunday from now on,’ she told him, surprised to be voicing her new intentions so soon. ‘Call it a New Year’s resolution.’

  ‘If that’s the case we’ll be delighted to have you,’ he replied. ‘Mine is to join a gym,’ he then joked, patting his midriff.’

  ‘Oh, you…’ Kath checked herself. Was she really about to tell the priest he didn’t need a gym as he looked great? Instead, she said, ‘You can be an example to people by keeping fit as well as knowing the Good Book.’

  ‘Precisely,’ he said, and she caught her breath, thinking she had just got away with it or else better choose another church already and so soon into her own personal renaissance. Thankfully he then changed the subject.

  ‘You know, I thought you were new – and there was a friend you were with?’

  ‘Ah yes, Annie.’ Maybe that was why he remembered her because he had noticed Annie – but was it right to suspect a priest of such things?

  ‘Annie. OK and…’

  ‘Oh, I’m Kath,’ she said and reached out to shake his hand. ‘Nice to meet you, Priest Davey.’

  ‘Call me John.’

  ‘John,’ she said (could she do that?).

  ‘Yes, I’ve not been here long,’ he went on, ‘but I’ve tried to get to know all my parishioners by their faces at least. If I’m honest though they’re mostly an older crowd here, which is why yours stuck out, I guess.’

  ‘I’d imagine many of them would have been surprised that you are so young,’ she replied.

  ‘Yes, you could say that,’ he agreed, and she thought there was a slight frown momentarily creep on to those otherwise enigmatic features. ‘But there are challenges in all aspects of life.’

  Davey looked about to excuse himself again, but Kath was enjoying talking to him and even though she was very wary of blushing decided she would ask him more about his reading.

  ‘Is it an important passage? I mean, what you are reading?’ (What a stupid question, every passage in the Holy Bible is an ‘important passage’.)

  ‘Well yes, the thing is I was reading the Gospels and came upon a quote that will be ideal for my sermon tomorrow,’ he explained. ‘I have a bad habit of finding a passage I want to remember but then forgetting to write down the verse number. A little amateurish for a priest.’

  ‘Well, lucky I didn’t throw your bookmark out.’

  ‘Absolutely. Speaking of the sermon, I guess I might see you tomorrow?’

  ‘Oh definitely, I look forward to it.’

  ‘Great! Well, nice to meet you, Kath. I’ll leave you in peace.’

  ‘Thank you; you too.’

  Meeting Priest Davey – or John, if she could get used to that – had left her with a warm glow. It was one she truly needed in order to get through the day, and she had used the feeling to give her strength for the walk home, the difficult conversations and annoying chores she had left to do. Kath was no nearer to thinking up solutions for her predicament but for the second time in a few weeks, someone new had entered her life, even if only to admire from afar as he addressed the congregation.

  The meeting also strengthened her will on the decision to become a regular church-goer again. Knowing that she would be missed, or not, made her feel wanted in a way, and she was not about to let him down. Clearly reaching out to a younger crowd was an issue all priests were inclined to address and she was delighted that her presence at his sermons meant something to him.

  ‘What on earth for?’ came the predictable question.

  ‘What do you think, Ryan?’

  ‘Since when have we paid any attention to that?’ he went on; ‘that’ meaning religion, of course, after she had announced her intention to become a regular church-goer again.

  ‘We might not pay attention to it, but I will be from now on,’ she informed him.

  Her brother’s ongoing assumption that his every opinion and commitment somehow represented the family’s as a whole was an arrogance that was really grating on her more than ever. Additionally, she could feel his incredulous glance pointed her way as if some kind of hypnotic battle of the wills was under way. It should not have been any of his business whether she wished to attend church or not, but the idea that she could pursue independent thinking in any way really riled him.

  ‘I suppose they’ll be begging for contributions while you’re in there. You thought of that?’

  ‘It will come out of my pocket.’

  ‘Anything that comes out of anyone’s pocket comes out of our pocket.’

  ‘Like beer. Besides,’ she decided to add, ‘you know very well that mother loved going to church.’

  ‘Is that what this is about? Getting back at me because of that urn? Well, it was an accident so if that’s what you’re up to you can stop being so childish.’

  Again he found a way to end the discussion by making it sound as if the decision was made and agreed upon, but she had denied him once before now and knew that on the morrow she would do so again. If the message had not hit home, then it would midday tomorrow, when he and the kids wanted feeding and found that Aunt Kath was nowhere to be seen. To defeat arguments with deed, not words is a skill she was learning.

  Chapter 4

  Kath proved as good as her word when Sunday came. Plus, not only was she asserting her first signs of independence in the face of family pressure, she was also incredibly excited to be doing so. Very quickly her awakening had progressed from hankering after a sense of duty and identity into a full-fledged passion.

  This clarity made her realize she was mourning not having a copy of the Bible in the house – where on earth had her mother’s copy gone? sold by Ryan most probably – while the idea of doing some kind of voluntary work at the church also appealed. Without the hours in the day to see it through this might be a completely impractical idea, but she had fun predicting the look on her brother’s face if she was really going to break i
t to him that she was going out to work for no money.

  Her new attitude was in sharp juxtaposition to the dire circumstances of their domestic situation. Any day now a knock at the door might come and all their possessions taken away, but matters had gotten so far out of hand now what could she honestly do about it? None of it was her fault, and she even found the idea that Ryan might get a lesson worth learning from the whole experience quite appealing. Instead of fretting she would think on her own interests, for a change, as she did the following day in church.

  The congregation was predictably less than on Christmas Eve, but the attendance was still fairly healthy. Kath noticed that Annie did not turn up, meaning she would be able to tease her for failing a New Year’s Resolution on their next meeting. She did not mind being there alone, however. No one is ever alone in the house of God, and she also knew the Priest a little now of course.

  As the service progressed, Kath listened with an enthusiasm she had never had for anything in her adult life, hanging off every word and allowing the hymns to wash over her as if cleansing a part of her soul that had been trapped and now longed for freedom.

  Still there was a feeling that she needed to do more to really call the church her second home, and she declined to rise for communion. The question of belonging had been raised, however, and she would make it her task to seek out the distance that remained. Perhaps she felt guilty for not owning a copy of the Bible, but she dismissed this thought quickly, acknowledging that being made to feel guilty was something that had held her back in life. It was also a negative stereotype the church had suffered from in the past and could do without. Guilt had kept her away, in fact; friendship had brought her back, and compassion had kept her there.

  Pathways through life was a theme of the sermon this time, and Kath made a promise that guilt and inadequacy would not be any of the pathways she chose in which to define her existence. Additionally, when prayer time came, she prayed not for her own happiness but for the well-being of her family, despite how angry they might be that she was at church rather than at home with them.

  Davey smiled warmly when bidding her ‘Happy New Year’, as he did to everyone else, but she thought he was pleased to see her – as he had claimed he would be. At one point she had thought he smiled at her while speaking from the altar, but might have been imagining it so. Kath found she admired him deeply for being so certain in his faith as to choose the priesthood at such a young age and would have liked to stay behind and speak with him if it had not felt inappropriate – while of course there would be much for those who worked and volunteered at the church to conclude once the congregation had dispersed.

  Be that as it may, something occurred on her way out of the grounds that caused her to decide she should seek him out. Though not possible there and then it would be in the week ahead some time. This was because of a conversation she overheard that disturbed her, conducted by two rather stone-faced looking gentlemen.

  Initially, she dismissed them as miserable people when one of them said, ‘Not what we want is it, with our young Davey?’

  ‘Not at all; who on earth chose him?’ came the response. Some people are difficult to please, Kath thought. No doubt every parish had their like, but then their next comments really struck a chord.

  ‘So what do you think? Take the West Roxbury approach?’

  ‘You mean like Robinson? Most definitely, the sooner, the better.’

  The name of Robinson was one Kath was familiar with, having been the same priest that had such community respect when she had been growing up only to have been chased out – if the rumors were true. She did not think it was ridiculous to suppose they had been true and, as a result, found the words she had overheard to be alarming. It might be they were two bitter old ex-West Roxbury residents with no influence whatsoever, but there was also the possibility that history might repeat itself.

  In part crediting Priest Davey for helping her rediscover a love of Christianity, Kath could not help feel compelled to intervene. There was the possibility of stoking a non-existent situation, however, so it would be important to tread carefully and after much deliberation, she decided to call in on Annie the next day before deciding how to approach Davey with the problem.

  The next day was the children’s first back at school, and Kath took advantage of the partial distance, having walked them there, to continue on her way and call in on her friend. Arriving without warning meant it might be an unsuccessful or flying visit, but Annie was delighted to see her and insisted she never be so timid as to assume any visit might be ill-timed.

  Once inside, Annie said how glad she was that Kath was taking her advice on wearing just a touch of makeup though she hadn’t been able to redo the hair as nicely as her friend had. In return, Kath teased Annie about having missed church so soon and bragged about her meeting with Priest Davey.

  ‘He’s a dish, isn’t he,’ Annie reflected, ‘I really couldn’t though. I don’t think being with a holy man is really my style. Keep him as eye candy up on that altar, though, that’s just fine.’

  ‘I’m not sure that’s what he’s for, Annie,’ Kath responded, feigning bossiness. ‘He’s there to help with spiritual nourishment.’

  ‘Perhaps, but there’s lots a naughty stuff in the Bible you know.’

  ‘Obviously you’re fitting right in at St Bartholomew’s, Annie.’

  The two of them were sitting in the kitchen, laughing together as if all the years of their absence from each other had never happened. It was only then that Kath became aware of a change in herself, one that so far she had overlooked. For sure she had been aware of thinking differently and developing different priorities, but an actual change in her demeanor was now apparent too. No longer was she the lesser contributor in the conversation with Annie but an equal partner. She was coming out of her shell; that was certain. To a lesser extent at home as well, but could she continue this trend in alien situations and amidst new priorities such as those at church?

  Very soon she would find out because sharing her dilemma with Annie brought up some interesting revelations and she no longer had any doubt that Davey needed warning someone was going to move against him.

  ‘Robinson?’ Annie responded upon hearing Kath’s story. ‘Absolutely I remember that well.’

  ‘Do you know if the rumors were true?’

  ‘Oh, they were true alright. Seems to me you’ve only heard the least of it; the whole thing was very nasty in fact.’

  ‘I found it hard to believe at the time. I mean, why would fellow Christians treat each other in such a way?’

  ‘Oh, that’s exactly what people were saying – the ones who knew it was nonsense of course. Problem was too many people bought it; people who didn’t know Robinson well enough, I guess.’

  ‘So, all I heard was that they smeared his reputation. What in earth did they do?’ Kath asked, still incredibly confused how church folk could treat each other so badly.

  ‘It was awful. They spread rumors about the parish that he was an alcoholic and faked letters to his superiors enhancing the rumors, as well as painting him as incompetent.’

  ‘But why?’

  ‘Because they wanted the church to be more heavy handed in lecturing people on how to live their lives. Robinson was far too inclusive and popular for them; they wanted people of a like mind in their church.’

  ‘Some kind of cliquey elitism, I guess.’

  ‘Honestly Kath, I’ve seen it in the workplace; I’ve seen it at my in-laws, and we saw it at school of course. It exists in all levels of society in some respect.’

  ‘And when it gets nasty it ruins good people.’

  ‘That’s right. You should definitely tell him, especially if he’s sweet on you…’

  ‘Annie, get a grip of yourself. The priest is not sweet on me,’ Kath told her, trying and failing to control her friend, but loving every minute of the teasing.

  ‘Funny the same thing should rear its head in a different parish, though,�
� Annie went on, ‘but they definitely mentioned Robinson?’

  ‘I heard it loud and clear, alright.’

  ‘Guess they must have switched churches. It’s not that far-fetched.’

  ‘And now they’ve taken offense at having to look up at a young, honest priest who’s going to do all he can to make more young people feel welcome.’

  Her fears seemed to be genuine. After speaking to Annie, what possible reason was there for doubting the rumors? It might be that the threat she heard was an empty one, and the individuals in question no longer had the influence or will necessary to achieve such a result. Be that as it may, Kath could not live with herself if something similarly vindictive happened and she had not warned him. So it was that immediately after talking with Annie she continued back down the road to St Bartholomew’s in the hope of catching the young priest.

  On this occasion, she came close to believing she had missed him. After sitting alone in the church for over an hour, it was sensible to conclude that some errand was keeping him away, and she got up to leave to return on another day. Household chores still had some influence over her, but on making for the exit, Kath found her heart beating in a strange manner when Davey appeared in the doorway and immediately addressed her.

  ‘Kath, what can I do for you?’ he asked, correctly guessing that her presence there was now something more than just coincidence.

  ‘Priest Davey!’ she replied, wondering why she sounded surprised.

  ‘John, please,’ he asked.

  ‘John, sorry I’ll get used to that.’

  ‘That’s OK.’

  ‘I was hoping to have a minute of your time at some point… when you’re free that is?’ she asked, not knowing how to begin what she had to say.

  ‘Of course, what better time than the present,’ he said with a friendly smile.’

  ‘You’re not busy?’ she asked.

  ‘Kath, you’re on my parish, remember. You are my business.’

  ‘Yes, well actually…’ she replied, awkwardly, ‘I’m not from your parish. My nearest church is in West Roxbury.’