What the Heart Desires

by Jaime Derelle

  ‘Then your heart will be broken because he won’t be around anymore and you adore all his priestly features. I know, girl, I know.’

  Maybe Annie did know after all. Being in love certainly felt like a better reason for breaking down in front of her – a less embarrassing one anyway – and so she gave in quite quickly on any additional explanations. Although she did not seek to deny it either. After all, it had only been a few weeks ago when Kath had acknowledged that for years she hadn’t known her own mind. Entertaining the idea that she still did not know it that well at all was hardly a stretch, despite the tears streaming down her face.

  As a lonely babe in the woods without a trail of breadcrumbs to follow, she wept and wept some more. Years and years of emotional siege mentality were now broken. She cried upon her friend’s shoulder, she cried herself to sleep at night and even allowed tears to run down her face whenever doing chores out of sight. Some therapists might claim that letting it all out can be healthy, but tears provide no pathway out of the wilderness, and Kath feared she would stay lost for good.

  That the bailiffs did not return, with the debt collectors weighing up some other legal means of recovering their funds, brought her no comfort. Neither did thinking on her nephews’ well-being and trying to take comfort in the status quo being better for them in the short term. She did not know this for certain.

  Mostly, however, she longed to see John again but had no means with which to conjure him up. During this time, she decided to ration her own food so that she could buy a Bible. Soon she was sifting through its pages late into the night until sleep took her and any precious minutes of the day when time was hers to do with as she pleased.

  The words of the Good Book provided her only comfort since the magic of Christmas, which appeared so wonderfully proven, had dissipated so quickly.

  Chapter 6

  Winter’s chill insisted on lingering as the days went by. It felt like an age since she had last seen John and yet it was only a month. A very long month that had tested every bit of resolve she had.

  Her spiritual renaissance had been vibrant and life-affirming for a time but had quickly ebbed away. Kath needed something more now to remind her it was worth believing; to show her that life on earth was not just about learning that everything would be better in heaven. There had to be a reason for her existence; she demanded it be so. Had stepped out to put her heart and soul into it even. Surely the Lord who drew her back would not forsake her now.

  Frustration had begun to dominate her, and she was no longer winning the vocal duels with her brother. The advantage she had over him since that day with the bailiffs now felt like a pyrrhic victory. Once more he proved the authoritative voice and her routine was structured to how he chose to attack each day. Being in debt did not appear to worry him; not until the day that doom found a way to come knocking again and whenever that was there would be no saving him this time. Even Capone got caught out in the end, but such facts did not bother Ryan.

  ‘This gravy tastes strange, sis. Hope you haven’t been using granules from the chocolate tin by mistake,’ he would joke, not caring that he was the only person to find it funny – this, to him, was the best kind of joke.

  ‘Brings a new meaning to the words “Momma’s own recipe.”’

  Three weeks ago, in response to such comments, she would have put him in his place in a manner that momma would have been proud, but she was back to being timid little sister again and found no words with which to respond.

  One Friday evening, as she endured one such exchange, there was a knock on the door and Ryan’s laughter was replaced by a serious face and baseball bat in hand as he went to answer.

  ‘You going to take that every time someone knocks on?’ she asked.

  ‘Leave my business to me to handle, sis,’ came the wise response.

  Thankfully what followed was not some violent and shouty incident, though Kath could hear Ryan reading some kind of riot act. Once the exchange had taken place, her brother sat down again, but not without mumbling something about ‘Do-gooders.'

  ‘So someone knocks on the door asking for charity, and they’re confronted by you holding a baseball bat? You’re looking for a world of trouble, Ryan,’ she told him, dryly.

  ‘You should thank me, sis. I’m looking out for you on this occasion; cheeky swine even asked for you by name.’

  ‘By name?’

  ‘But I told him, scarper.’

  ‘Told who? What did he want, Ryan?’

  ‘I don’t know; some joker dressed as a priest. Clearly heard about you giving charity to them at church and coming round to ask for more – you’re going to have to cut that stuff out, you know.’

  But Kath had dropped her fork on the table and was running for the door. Was it at all possible that it could be?

  If so, her fool of a brother had probably humiliated her in front of the person she had come to respect ahead of any other. Then again, maybe she was being desperate and about to be the one that humiliated herself in front of some stranger.

  No one was outside the door, but Kath didn’t pause for thought, running out onto the street and not caring that she was wearing her slippers. If the visitor was John, she had to hope he had not sped off in a motor vehicle. Fortunately, on reaching the end of the street, she saw the man dressed in black who must have been the same that knocked on their door.

  ‘John,’ she called out, still not knowing if it was really him.

  But it was. A month had gone by since she last saw those gentle features and relief of a kind flooded over her at last. What had he come for, though? As touching as it was he should think of her, she nevertheless feared he had come to deliver bad news. That he had indeed decided the priesthood wasn’t for him and that he was moving away. What else could explain his absence from Sundays?

  ‘Kath, I wanted to see you,’ he told her, as she saw him up close at last.

  See me before you go, you mean, she was thinking. John was smiling warmly, and she was overjoyed to be with him again, but in her mind, the entire scene had the air of finality.

  ‘I had no idea what happened to you,’ Kath replied.

  ‘I know, I’m sorry. I wanted to come and explain myself sooner, but it wasn’t possible.’

  ‘I’m sorry about my twit of a brother,’ she said, partly to hold him off from the bad news.

  ‘Oh, was that your brother?’

  ‘Ryan, I would say he means well but… I’m not sure he knows what’s going on in his own head.’

  ‘At least, he’s sincere.’

  This made her laugh. It was a bitter sweet feeling, but there was nothing else for it. We can choose our friends but not our family.

  ‘I had some trouble finding out where you lived,’ he went on. ‘Eventually I saw your friend Annie in the street, and she told me.’

  ‘You saw Annie?’ she asked, wondering if any clumsy hints had been given as to her feelings. Although if so he had come anyway.

  ‘So, this is where you grew up?’ he asked.

  ‘I’ve been here all my life,’ she said, dryly, ‘wonderful isn’t it?’

  ‘Kath, I could say something profound about those who are born in humble settings, but I’ll save that for church. What I really want to ask you is whether you’re free on Sunday?’

  ‘Oh, I’ll be at the service. Are you back?’

  ‘Sure, but I don’t mean the service. I mean later in the day, would you be free to have dinner with me somewhere?’

  ‘Dinner? Sure,’ she thought of the last discussion they’d had and his promise to gather some voluntary work information. Clearly he wanted to talk her through all the options before he went though she would feel like something of a lonely Christian with him gone, knowing very few other people at the parish.

  ‘That would be great. Maybe if I pick you up at 5 pm?’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘And if your brother sends me away again I’ll just wait.’

  ‘My brother does that again, and
I’ll be the one holding the baseball bat.’

  They laughed again if a little nervously. Kath was dying to know where he had been and what his intentions were for the church, but John then said, ‘Well, I’m sorry to have been AWOL, but I guess I can tell you all about that on Sunday.’

  ‘OK, John. Thank you for coming to find me it… it means a lot,’ she replied.

  His response was both a smile and a frown, but her fatalistic attitude was no longer looking to interpret double meanings or hoping for a happy conclusion. It was touching that he wanted to see her before he left and she would certainly never forget him, but the truth was that Kath could already feel his absence.

  So the powers that be had given him a swansong of a service, to save face probably, but once again deceit had invaded the local church. Whatever hope and sense of belonging had drawn her back was subverted by selfishness and elitism. No wonder the younger generations were not going to church anymore.

  ‘That was Priest Davey, Ryan, who you just acted like a moron in front of. Thank you so much.’

  ‘How was I supposed to know?’

  Her brother’s reaction might have made no ground on improving his awful attitude, but it felt good to find her voice again anyway. Maybe she could convince John to stay in touch with her after leaving; somehow she felt if they remained friends her own efforts would not lack purpose. Just knowing someone was out there with a like mind who might be interested in her days had always been an absent incentive.

  Seeing John again had woken her senses, if but for a time, though she still felt unsettled. Sitting still, even when trying to read the Bible, felt unbearable. Sunday could not come too soon and yet Kath did not want it to come at all, fearing it to be an ending.

  Then she remembered that he had mentioned Annie and, desperate for help to understand what was going on in her head, she decided to pick up the phone. Despite it being obvious that her friend would tease her again about being in love, she was unperturbed – while also being keen to ask what Annie had told him.

  ‘Hey, you free?’ Kath asked, not looking to disguise the eagerness in her voice.

  ‘Oh, it’s you,’ came Annie’s voice from the other end of the line. ‘Now have a guess who this lucky girl spoke to in the street earlier today?’

  ‘So I gather.’

  ‘What? How could you know, unless…? Ah! He’s seen you already.’

  ‘He came and knocked on. Ryan answered the door with a baseball bat, but I ran after him.’

  ‘Well…?’

  ‘Well, what?’

  ‘How did it go?’

  ‘What are you suggesting? We spoke that’s all.’ Annie had some kind of unrepressed glee in her voice as if keeping some knowledge that Kath wasn’t blessed with.

  ‘Are you sure that’s all?’

  ‘He said he saw you in the street, and you told him my address.’

  ‘Yes, sorry for no advance notice. I was going to call but have been juggling children all day – didn’t expect him to get there so soon, in truth. I don’t suppose you mind, though.’

  ‘But you didn’t say anything about my feelings for him?’

  ‘I don’t think I need too, Kath.’

  ‘Don’t be absurd, you’re the only person to be jumping to such conclusions. I just don’t want it to be awkward when I next see him.’

  ‘OK, you’re confusing me now,’ Annie replied, looking to backtrack. ‘Tell me simply now, what actually did he say to you?’

  ‘Nothing. Just that we’ll meet on Sunday. I’ll get a chance to ask him then more about where he’s been.’

  ‘On Sunday? You won’t get a chance in church, my girl.’

  ‘No afterward, we’re having dinner. I think he wants to discuss voluntary work before he goes.’

  ‘Voluntary work? Kath, I know they say the best things in life are free but what on earth are you getting through your head?’

  ‘I told you about that; I’m going to try and help out at the church in some way. I want to.’

  ‘Yes, but Kath, do I have to spell it out to you? If he’s taking you to dinner, it’s not to talk about voluntary work. He means on a date, silly.’

  ‘Oh, Annie! You’re the only one drawing such conclusions – stop it now.’

  ‘Kath,’ Annie replied, changing her tone again to one she might use in explaining something to one of her children, ‘you do know what day it is on Sunday, don’t you?’

  ‘Sunday? It’s, erm… it’s the fourteenth.’

  ‘The fourteenth of…?’

  ‘February…’

  Kath’s calculations were followed by a gasp. As unused as she was to spotting when she had an admirer, the date had uncanny connotations that suddenly made Annie’s speculations feel much less wild.

  ‘Valentine’s Day,’ came the gleeful response down the phone line. ‘Listen Kath, as much as I have my moments sometimes, you don’t have to be the full ticket to know that when a man asks a woman to share dinner with him on February 14th – even if he wears a white collar – that has to be a date.’

  ‘But I haven’t seen him for a month. That makes no sense; where’s he been?’

  ‘I don’t know, but maybe that’s it. He’s been shut away somewhere dying to speak to you again, and now he’s back you’re the first person he looks for.’

  ‘Or because it’s his last day in the parish and he’s tying up loose ends.’

  ‘You’re not a loose end, honey. Take it from me; he looked as keen as a mongoose. And don’t tell me you don’t like him.’

  ‘Seriously now, Annie! What if you’re filling my head full of nonsense and it’s nothing to do with that?’

  ‘Oh, I get it. You’re thinking about what to wear.’

  ‘No, I’m not.’

  ‘Well don’t worry, kiddo. I’ve just the thing.’

  A sick feeling lingered in Kath’s stomach, which she had no way of telling was good or bad. Could her friend really be reading the situation right and she had actually been asked out on a date?

  She tried to picture John’s face when he asked to see if there was something she missed. The problem was he was always sincere, and it would be improper for a priest to flirt like normal people, so maybe he had asked her on a date. Regardless of Annie’s wisdom, she just could not bring herself to believe this was true. Of all people to make a fool of herself in front of, John was the person she was least likely to take that risk with. It was safer to presume that her friend was wrong; the two of them had struck up a friendship, and that was all.

  Whatever the verdict, Sunday promised to be quite a momentous day. Not only were there the complications of the evening but it would also be John’s first sermon back in the church. Kath would be on baited breath to find out whether it would also be his last, before facing the evening with the task of balancing whatever emotional response was waiting. Over the last two months, she had gone from the extremes of tears and despair, all the way to joy and laughter and back again. There was no knowing where on this spectrum her feelings would land by Sunday evening, but she sensed it would probably define the rest of her days.

  Annie had also promised to come along to the service and was going to try and do so more often. ‘Especially if her best and oldest friend was dating the priest,’ she had said. Kath would be doing her best to try and avoid looking at Annie during any awkward moments, although she was glad her friend was there and back in her life. Without her, she would never have stepped out at all and wanted to be able to thank her someday for seeking her out again, regardless of what the consequences were. Whether they were good or bad was neither here nor there, the fact was that she now had something that resembled a life, and it was all her own.

  When finally it came to seeing John back where she thought he belonged (addressing the congregation), Kath had to fight back a tear even though she did not know exactly what it stood for. If she had been expecting a revelation as to where he had been, then she would have to be more patient, however. John said a few word
s in reference to his absence, but mostly just to stress that it was good to be back. After that, he continued on with the business of the day. That he was a priest and there for the word of God, not for some ego trip, was a role he demonstrated selflessly.

  At one point Kath attempted to seek out the two men she had overheard scheming against him, but either they were not in view or not present, and she eventually decided not to waste her time. Such people should be pitied rather than hated.

  Just as it had on Christmas Eve, however, the highlight came during John’s final address, taking Kath back to when she had first laid eyes on him, and his words had struck a chord with her. Once again they did, although this time it could not only have been coincidence that the words meant something to her.

  ‘Our faith challenges us to always find the best qualities in our fellow man,’ John said, ‘but what I’ve learned in the last few weeks is that faith in our fellow man is also related to belief in ourselves.

  ‘At some time – perhaps many – in our lives, this self-belief will be tested. And God understands that such tests are always at their most potent when, for whatever reason, we happen to feel at our lowest; when the odds against us can feel so hopeless and insurmountable. During these times, our faith can help us to endure and outlast what we must confront, but I now understand this is as much about having faith in ourselves as having faith in God. For does the Holy Book not say, “God is in all things”?

  ‘“All things” means “us” – means “you” – and we should not be afraid to look to our own strengths even if they feel so inadequate because they are the qualities God has chosen for us. Both the Old and New Testaments are full of accounts of God’s children who found their own personal strengths to be far more valuable than they realized when faced with great challenges.

  ‘These great and fellow Christians – our ancestors – have taught us the folly of the quick and easy solution and the wisdom of taking the more difficult path, if it means our destination is far greater and worth reaching.’

  Listening to these words, Kath was taken back to the conversation they’d had in the church graveyard when she had first noticed his doubt and vulnerability. It sounded like he was addressing these demons – when he spoke of ‘the last few weeks’ especially – but did he mean to stay and face them or choose another approach somewhere else?