Her Secret Life

by Tara Taylor Quinn

  She shook her head. She was not using Michael. Lacey wasn’t often wrong, but it did happen.

  “Just think about it.”

  She didn’t have to think about it. Couldn’t think about it. Because if she did, she’d mess up what they had. But when her sister’s gaze didn’t relent, she nodded.

  And hated that she’d just lied. The only thing that eased her conscience was knowing that Lacey knew she’d lied. The look they exchanged said so.

  “I love you,” Lacey said, sticking a stray strand of Kacey’s hair up under her baseball cap.

  “I love you, too,” Kacey said. And promised herself she wasn’t going to cry.

  But she did.

  * * *

  WHEN MIKE FIRST saw Kacey he almost laughed. He thought, for a brief second, that she’d regained her power and was playing a joke on him. He expected her to laugh, pull off that ridiculous cap and let her blond hair tumble down past her shoulders.

  Only for a brief second.

  She looked to both sides as she exited her sister’s front door. Kept close as he walked her to the car. And then very succinctly she delivered the instructions that would take them to the exact place she’d been the previous weekend.

  A mere six blocks from home.

  He couldn’t just sit there and pretend that she was...herself.

  “What gives, Kace? Surely you aren’t wearing that garb in Beverly Hills.”

  “I’m Doria there.”

  One glance in her direction and he knew there wasn’t going to be any joking between them that night. “So Doria was the one who knew she needed a life change? The one who chose to quit drinking so much? Who started spending less time in clubs? Who convinced her boyfriend—her possible partner for life—to also quit partying as much?”

  He felt cruel. But the Kacey he knew was driving him. Or that was the garbage he gave himself. He hoped there was truth in it. That he wasn’t just fighting for what he wanted—to spend time with the woman she’d been. To have light back in his life.

  She was staring at the beach, her shoulders hunched in the far too big sweatshirt.

  When she shuddered, he asked, “You want to go? We can do this another time.”

  Her silence worried him. God, if he’d pushed too hard...

  “Maybe you need more time,” he offered. Mike’s life might be contained, but he very rarely felt out of his element.

  He was the guy who always knew what to do to save the day.

  “No.” Her voice was soft in the dark, silent world of his car’s interior. “I’m doing this tonight.”

  He considered calling Sara Havens. He had her cell and home phone numbers and knew she’d pick up.

  Kacey looked at him. The glint in her eye caught a hold of him. Held him. “I have to do this, Michael. With or without you, but I hope to God it’s with you. I have to go back out on that beach. Now. Tonight. I have to take it back.”

  He nodded. “Whenever you’re ready.”

  All direction came from her.

  He’d wait all night if that was what it took.

  She wasn’t going out on that beach alone.

  * * *

  HER KNEES SHAKY, Kacey stood on the pavement beside Michael’s car. She let go of the door handle. She wanted to close her eyes and listen to the ocean, to hear the gentle swell of the waves, but couldn’t. Instead, her gaze darted everywhere. Looking in the shadows. Seeing shadows within them. What if they were out there, hoping she’d come back?

  What if they were waiting to finish what they’d started?

  The beach was deserted. This late, on a chilly March Thursday, tourists weren’t in town and locals were busy living their lives.

  That night the beach only drew the damaged. Or maybe the occasional person walking a dog.

  She saw someone off in the distance underneath a light that marked the beginning of the private beach for the residences just above. A lone figure. With a dog.

  She took a step forward and then stopped. She thought she might pass out but recognized the panic attack. A fit of nerves. And calmed. She knew that feeling. Had been experiencing it since she was a kid. That sense of not knowing exactly how the next moments would go. A lot of times when she and Lacey had gone on a shoot—a new job—she’d had that feeling.

  Lacey had, too. They’d probably fed off each other.

  Which was why she hadn’t been able to make this move with her sister. She needed to feed off Michael’s calm. His strength.

  “What do you need to do?” Was he learning to read her just like Lacey did? At the moment the idea didn’t sound preposterous. Or even threatening.

  She shivered and slipped her arm through his. With his hands in his pockets, he didn’t seem to react. Didn’t pull her closer. Didn’t release her and step away.

  Because he was there for her? Ready to let her use him?

  No. For once she couldn’t let her sister in her head.

  If the situation were reversed, if Michael had been hurt and needed support to face a demon down, she’d be right there, standing with him. Waiting to see what he needed from her. Ready and willing to give it.

  “I... I have no idea what I’m doing,” she told him. She hated the hat on her head because it itched. But she was afraid to take it off. To let her hair shine in the moonlight.

  “I’m thinking about cutting my hair,” she blurted. She’d had the thought earlier in the week. Or...maybe it had been the previous weekend. But it kept occurring. All week long. Every time she’d looked in the mirror at home and seen the bruises on her chest and arms and shoulders.

  “It wouldn’t matter in terms of my job,” she said now, standing there linked with Michael beside his car. She was facing the ocean. He had her back. And maybe that was all she had to do. Just be there. Just facing it...whatever it was.

  “I always wear a wig.” His feet shifted. She didn’t know if he was watching her, the ocean or the space around them.

  “What do you think?” She looked up at him then. And found him looking right at her.

  “I think that if you want your hair shorter, you should cut it.”

  The response was what she’d been seeking.

  But it disappointed her, too.

  “Because you don’t care about my looks,” she said out loud. “Which is why I love being with you. Most of the people in my life like me for what I do. Not for who I am. So many of them don’t really even know me. They only see the Hollywood in me.”

  Steve had been great that week. So had the two cast members she’d allowed him to tell about her weekend incident. Mostly, she’d wanted—no, needed—life at work to go on as normal. She’d needed to be treated like Doria, not coddled.

  “I don’t value your friendship because of your looks.” Michael’s voice fell into the night air. “But I do care about them. Partially because I know you do.”

  She took a step. He moved with her. “But...you don’t like looking at me. Not like...not because of my looks.”

  “Of course I do, Kace. I’m a guy and you’re beautiful! But I wasn’t drawn to you because of how you look. I don’t hang around because of that. How could I? I don’t have a lot to offer in return in that department.”

  “Exactly!” She was referring to the first part of his statement but stopped cold when the rest played itself out in her mind. Turning, leaving her arm entangled with his, she reached up her free hand to touch his face. “I wasn’t referring to the part about you not having a lot to offer in return,” she said softly, tears in her eyes. “Michael, I love looking at you. God, I can’t believe I—”

  “Hey.” He wiped her tears. “It’s okay, Kace. This is us. It’s okay.”

  Us. God, she loved that. Needed it.

  But Lacey’s warning came to mind. She couldn’t lo
se herself in it.

  Couldn’t lose sight of him. Or seeing to his needs.

  “But you don’t hang around me because of my looks,” she said and then turned back toward the ocean, took another step toward the beach. “That was the exactly part.”

  “Are you up for an honest opinion?”

  His question surprised her. “I don’t know,” she said honestly. “I’m testing the waters on pretty much everything right now. I have no idea what I’m up for. Except work. I know I’m good there.”

  Once again, she drew strength from thoughts of Doria. The set. She’d known, from the time she was a little girl, that the stage, acting, television was for her. In her professional life, she was exactly where she needed to be.

  As they took a couple more steps, leaving the car just behind them, she looked over at him again. Studied his chiseled jaw in the moonlight. He always directed her to his good side when they walked together. His picture-perfect, gorgeous side. Switching arms, she moved to the side she liked best. The side that showed her his strength. His character.

  “So...let’s test my waters,” she said, looking out toward an ocean she could hear but barely see in the darkness. “Let’s hear your honest opinion.”

  “I don’t think you should cut your hair right now.”

  Whatever she’d been expecting, it hadn’t been that. Her stomach fell flat. “You don’t.”

  “No.”

  “Why not?” If he didn’t want to hang around her when she wasn’t beautiful, then...

  “Because you’re making the decision based on what happened last weekend.”

  Not really. Well, maybe. Sort of.

  “I put too much value in my looks.”

  “You enjoy being beautiful, Kacey. And you let others enjoy the natural wonder that is you. It’s a unique gift.”

  She didn’t have an immediate response other than to feel all warm inside. For a second.

  They were going to reach the sand soon. But they could turn. Walk the edge of the parking lot. Walk all around it. As many times as it took. Or just once and get back in the car.

  “My sense of self-worth is all tied up in my beauty,” she said now. “I don’t know how I’m going to teach my class tomorrow, Michael. I’m afraid I’m a fraud.”

  “You are not a fraud. You are blessed. And you share that blessing. Look what you’ve done for me,” he told her. “I’m walking on the beach with one of the most beautiful women in America and I’m not feeling ugly. I feel...equal, Kace. This is what you do for people. You make them feel beautiful because you see beauty in them.”

  He was just saying that because they were friends. And she was down.

  Except...Michael never just said anything. He was the most contained man she’d ever met. Chose everything he said with deliberation and caution. He was a man who stood by every word he said. And that made him a man she could trust.

  “My whole life, people have gravitated toward me, wanting to hang out with me, choosing me for jobs and special treats, because of my looks. They choose me before they even get to know me...”

  “They know the essence of you just by looking at you. It’s not just about your facial features, your blond hair—your identical twin has those, too, Kace, and as you’ve said many times, when someone had to choose between the two of you for those jobs or special treats, they always chose you. Like when you were little and did that commercial sitting on the hood of the car and one of you got to take a ride around the track in it. That one was you.”

  Yeah. And Lacey had been so hurt, and she’d just thought it was because only one of them could go and figured next time it would be her...but Kacey hadn’t realized, hadn’t paid enough attention to know that her sister always took second place. Even when their parents called them to dinner, they’d call Kacey’s name first. She’d been grieving for her sister for most of the past year. Trying to make it up to Lacey for all those years of not feeling like she ever came first.

  “You effervesce, Kacey. You glow. That’s what draws people to you. It’s your spirit. Not just your looks.”

  Maybe. She’d love to think so.

  She wanted to stay right there alone on the beach with Michael forever. To feel just like she did right then.

  They’d stepped onto the sand and she hadn’t even noticed.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  SHE WAS ON the beach. Had stepped over the threshold. And hadn’t marked the moment in any way.

  Because she’d stepped onto the beach hundreds of times.

  One bad experience wasn’t going to ruin all of the good. And before she started to glom onto that one bad time, started to have troubles breathing, she tripped her thoughts back to the conversation at hand.

  She had a confession to make. And something to tell her friend and mentor.

  Confession first. Something she hadn’t even discussed with her sister yet.

  “I’ve realized something this past week.” She started toward the water, straight ahead, not along the beach. Keeping the parking lot directly at her back. “Partly from talking with Sara and Dr. Freelander, but mostly just on my own.”

  She hadn’t told either counselor yet. Hadn’t told anyone. Not even Bo, who was the one person she should have told.

  “Every morning when I get out of the shower, it’s like I have to dress really fast. Cover everything up. I get why. I mean, it’s clear and all after what happened. But the thing is, once I’m done, once I’m fully covered, so that my assets aren’t, like, right out there, tempting anyone else to...you know...”

  She sounded like a damned teenager. “Kind of like right now,” Michael said. “Your wardrobe choice took me by surprise.”

  She glanced over at him, faltering a step, kicking up sand. His arm supported her weight and she was upright, carrying herself again.

  “You’re a guy. Do you think I bear some responsibility for what happened? If I hadn’t been flaunting myself...”

  “Stop.” The firm tone surprised her to silence. “Half of the women in California dress as you do. You’re beautiful, Kacey. And you’re a woman who wears it well. Who’s comfortable with her beauty.”

  Not anymore she wasn’t. Nope. Doria, okay. Kacey, no way.

  “Michael. I’m going to tell you something...” She had to get this out.

  “Okay.”

  “What I realized is that all my life, my sense of self-worth...it was all wrapped up in my sexuality. Like, I was worth more if I looked sexy. I got more attention. I got the cutest boys. The best parts. I got my career that I absolutely love and that I know completes a part of me.”

  “That’s not a crime, Kacey. You’re a sexy woman.”

  His words put her in a whole other place. Unfamiliar. Uncomfortable. “You think I’m sexy?”

  She should be clamming up. Crossing her arms as she’d done with Bo earlier in the week when he’d come toward her. The thought of him touching her, or even looking at her in a sexual way, had practically had her screaming and running for the hills. Literally. She’d taken a drive up the mountain by her home. Parked. Looked down at the beautiful huge homes in that part of Beverly Hills.

  And she’d known.

  “My sexiness nearly got me raped. And maybe killed,” she said. “And I can’t figure out how to live with that. I suddenly hate my body. And...” She started to cry.

  “No, Kace, the fact that some teenagers have a serious problem nearly got you raped. Read statistics. You’ll see that rape isn’t really about sex. It’s about a need to control. And it doesn’t just happen to beautiful women...”

  His arm came around her shoulders and then her waist, and he helped hold her up as they walked. She looked toward the ocean, wondering what life had in store for her now.

  Afraid of what happened, but of what was to come, too
.

  “I broke up with Bo this week.”

  His fingers gripped her side a little tighter as though he knew the fear raging through her.

  “I... Just the thought of... He touched me and I...”

  Who was she going to be if, because of one careless walk on the beach, she could no longer tolerate the opposite sex? Or having sex?

  Bo had asked if she thought the incident had made her frigid. He’d been kind. Trying to understand.

  She’d had no answer for him. She’d just known that she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life with him.

  “You didn’t think maybe you should let things ride for a week or two, a month or two, until you get everything sorted out?” Michael asked as they came to a stop about a foot from where the sand became wet from the waves lapping gently to and fro.

  She’d kind of had the sense that he didn’t particularly like Bo, or rather, hadn’t liked him for her.

  “We both know that it takes time for the effects of trauma to settle, for you to get true perspective...”

  “So I won’t cut my hair.”

  “I was talking about Bo.”

  “Maybe I acted too soon. All I can tell you is that I had to do it. When the attack happened, I didn’t even want to see him.” She turned to look up at the man she had wanted to see. “Don’t you think, if he was the man meant to be my partner for life, I’d have needed him most in that moment? Instead, I just kept thinking about what the news of the attack would do to him, how he’d react. Even wondered if he’d still want me, knowing what those boys did to me.”

  Michael’s grip tightened again. He turned her to face him, holding both sides of her waist in his hands. “He did not dare tell you that.” She’d never heard him use that tone before. “If he dared to insinuate that...”

  For the first time in almost a week, Kacey smiled for real. A smile she felt inside. She reached up to cover his lips with one finger. “Of course he didn’t,” she said. “He was actually quite concerned, and sympathetic and tender.”

  She believed Bo had genuine feelings for her. She’d been fond of him, too. More than any other man she’d dated.