Be Calm

by Jill Weber

  Come back to this exercise in a day or two, or even a few hours, and revisit how much you believe these thoughts now.

  When Your Thoughts Work Against You

  When we’re caught up in anxious thinking, our thoughts feel entirely real and accurate and so they keep us keyed up. In truth, the anxious mind isn’t so good at differentiating the real from the unreal. In this virtual world, we feel as anxious and frightened as we would if our fear was based on something really happening. However, in reality, nothing terrible is going on and there may be little, if any, chance our feared scenarios will ever happen.

  There are a number of biases we’re all prone to that intensify anxiety. Familiarizing yourself with these “errors in thinking” will help you catch exaggerated or inaccurate thought patterns. Here are a few of the more common ones:

  All-or-nothing thinking: Things are all good or all bad; you are perfect or a failure.

  Overgeneralizing: If something negative happens in one situation it means it will happen in all future, similar situations.

  Catastrophizing: You look to the future with sweeping negativity and forecast disaster instead of more realistic possibilities.

  Labeling: Applying a fixed, global label on yourself or others without including any context. (“I’m a loser,” “I’m bad,” “I’m inadequate,” “I’m a burden.”)

  “Should”-ing and “must”-ing: You have rigid expectations for how you should or must act, and when these unreasonable expectations aren’t met, you forecast horrendous consequences.

  Each time you successfully identify an error in thinking, your anxiety will decrease because you’re able to see the situation at hand more realistically, or at least entertain other possibilities.

  STRATEGY: DOWNWARD ARROW TECHNIQUE

  The downward arrow technique is effective for identifying what deeper belief you hold about yourself that is triggering—and driving—your anxious thoughts. In cognitive behavioral therapy, core beliefs are described as your most central thoughts about yourself and the meaning you ascribe to the normal difficulties we all face. When a core belief is activated, your brain switches into a mode in which you take in only information that supports the belief, and disregard anything that may challenge it. This traps you in a feedback loop of biased thoughts generated by that core belief.

  When you’re caught up in negative core beliefs, it becomes difficult to think realistically about the events in your life. Learning to identify and challenge our core beliefs means these flawed ideas no longer make decisions for us.

  Negative core beliefs typically fall into two general categories: beliefs associated with helplessness and beliefs associated with unlovability. See if any of the examples below sound familiar to you.

  Examples of Helpless Core Beliefs

  I’m a failure.

  Nothing I do will make a difference.

  I’m helpless.

  I’m inadequate.

  I’m weak.

  Examples of Unlovable Core Beliefs

  I’m unworthy.

  I’m bad.

  I’m unlikable.

  I’m unwanted.

  I’m not good enough.

  The downward arrow technique helps you look beneath the surface of your anxious thoughts to see what’s really driving them. To find your core beliefs, record your anxious thoughts, and then ask yourself, “If that thought were true, what would it mean about me as a person?”

  Let’s use Ava’s anxious thoughts as an example:

  “I’m worried I’m not going to complete my report for work on time. I second-guess my every move. I literally can’t stop obsessing about work even for a few moments.”

  Here is the downward arrow technique:

  What does it mean about you as a person if you don’t complete the report?

  “That I’m letting my team down.”

  What does it mean about you if you let your team down?

  “My colleagues won’t respect me.”

  What does it mean about you if your colleagues don’t respect you?

  “That I failed.”

  This reflects a helplessness core belief. Deep down, Ava believes she is inadequate as a person. Likely she is underestimating her competence (more on this later).

  Get your notebook and try the following exercise to get at your core beliefs.

  Identify a situation/interaction/image/thought stream that brings about anxiety for you.

  1.Record the fearful/anxious thoughts you have about, or when you’re in, the situation/interaction/image/thought stream (or revisit what you logged for the “Record Your Thoughts” strategy).

  2.For each thought listed, ask yourself, “If this thought were true, what does it mean about me as a person?”

  3.Each time you understand what that thought means about you, write it down.

  4.Then ask yourself the same question about new thoughts listed: “What does it mean about me as a person if this thought is actually 100 percent accurate?” Then do the same for the next new thought. Eventually you will funnel down to a core belief.

  Let’s look at another example of the technique in action, this time with Ahmed. When talking with others, Ahmed appears calm and collected, but internally he is evaluating his every word. While on a date or social outing, he believes he appears awkward. The downward arrow technique follows:

  What does it mean about you as a person if your date thinks you’re awkward?

  “I messed up. I lost that opportunity.”

  What does it mean about you if you messed up an opportunity with that date?

  “That people will keep giving up on me.”

  What does it mean about you if people keep giving up on you?

  “That I disappoint people.”

  What does it mean about you if you disappoint people?

  “That no one is going to want me.”

  This reflects an unlovability core belief. Deep down, Ahmed believes no one is going to love him.

  After you use the downward arrow technique with a number of your anxious thoughts, you will see certain core beliefs showing up repeatedly. The next step is to start challenging these deeply rooted ideas you carry about yourself.

  STRATEGY: TEST YOUR CORE BELIEFS

  In this exercise I’m going to push you out of your comfort zone so you can see if your core beliefs are as accurate as they feel to you. I want you to literally go out in the world and test your core beliefs—see if they actually hold up to reality.

  If you realize that at the root of your anxious thinking is a deep fear that you’re unlovable, go out and talk to others, join a group, make a point to spend time regularly with someone, or even ask close others if they like you.

  If you recognize a core belief that you’re incompetent/helpless, go out and take on a new but doable task: Sign up for a class, create something, clean your house, organize a closet, build or fix something, read a book to completion.

  As you enter the situation, insert a different thought (even if you don’t quite believe it yet!). It could be as simple as “I’m capable,” or “I can be liked.”

  Be open to new information and to what you might be overlooking that went well or differently from how you expected. Then modify your beliefs about yourself accordingly.

  Go Deeper

  Identifying Negative Thought Patterns

  Developing awareness of your negative thought patterns will help you take the steps needed to make you feel better sooner. When you become aware that you’re experiencing anxiety, stop and take stock. Write your answers in your notebook so you can delve into them.

  •What is a scenario that is anxiety-inducing for me, including situations, interactions, events, and images?

  Example: Every time my boss is short with me, I withdraw because I feel anxious and worried that I’m not in good standing at work.

  •What anxious thoughts am I having (or did I have) about this scenario?

  He doesn’t like me.

  He’s going to give
me less work and make me unessential.

  I’m going to be rendered useless at work.

  •How might my thoughts be distorted (label “errors in thinking”)?

  Catastrophizing

  Overgeneralizing

  All-or-nothing thinking

  •What does it mean about me as a person if my most fearful thoughts are true?

  I’ll lose my job.

  I’ll be embarrassed.

  I won’t meet work goals.

  People will know I’m incompetent.

  •What core belief was triggered?

  Helplessness

  •How can I test out my core belief to see if I’m missing some information?

  The next time my boss is short with me, I won’t withdraw but instead will ask questions about what he’s looking for to see if I’ve missed anything.

  What Are You Worried About?

  Worry impacts our emotions in a big way. It influences what we do and how we feel physically. We can come to exist in an exhausted, tense-muscled state. This hyperarousal leads to irritability, difficulty sleeping, and eventually, even depression.

  Here’s a common example I see often in my psychology practice: A client, Emma, had a repetitive worry that she was in danger of being kicked out of her graduate program. Each time something went wrong with an assignment or she received an average grade, a chain of uncontrollable thoughts would ensue. She was afraid her professors thought she was incompetent. She second-guessed herself in class and when she spoke out was extremely self-conscious. Then she worried about what the other students thought of her. Emma believed she wasn’t as intellectually competent as her peers. She would beat herself up for always worrying: “What’s wrong with me? I’m so crazy. I can’t stop worrying!”

  No matter how hard Emma worked to push them away, the worried thoughts kept swirling up, again and again. Even peaceful rest was impossible. She would wake in the middle of the night harried by her concerns and then be unable to fall back to sleep. Exhausted from school and worrying, she didn’t take care of herself, eat right, or exercise regularly. As a result, she also fretted about her physical health and began to think she had a serious medical illness.

  We all worry on some level, but it becomes disproportionate when it’s persistent and uncontrollable. When this happens, we lose time to an internal, not real-to-life focus. This hyperinternal focus is a vortex where no new energy or perspectives are allowed in. The vortex distorts reality and creates greater fear.

  Excessive worrying is not problem-solving and is not productive. In fact, the exhaustion and emotional depletion actually makes us less productive. We aren’t able to concentrate, plan accordingly, and make the best use of our energy and resources. And once again, we’re robbed of the present moment.

  We typically come to recognize we’re in a vortex when the anxiety is intense. At this point, it can be quite difficult to escape. The quickest solution is to avoid this stage altogether. Developing an early warning awareness that reacts before anxiety has reached high intensity protects us from becoming stuck in the vortex.

  STRATEGY: IDENTIFY YOUR WORRY TRIGGERS

  Even though we tend to worry about the same things day in and day out, we persist in wasting time and energy considering each worry that pops up as if it were new and deeply significant. Our worries repeat because we fail to problem solve and cope with them appropriately. Identifying the larger issues your worried thoughts trigger means you can switch from worried thinking to problem-solving.

  Below is a list of the more common larger issues that individual worries tend to trigger, and example steps/actions to take to address each. Identify the categories your worries tend to fall into and see if you can come up with a few steps to take for each.

  Financial

  Actionable step: Develop a budget; meet with financial planner

  Job/school

  Actionable step: Enroll in a class; get tutor

  Achieving goals

  Actionable step: Review expectations; are they too high, too low?

  Parenting

  Actionable step: Read parenting book; take parenting class

  Health of self

  Actionable step: Get yearly medical physical with blood work

  Health of others

  Actionable step: Work to accept uncertainty; I can only control so much

  Relationships

  Actionable step: Read relationship self-help book

  Diet/exercise

  Actionable step: Meet with nutritionist; start walking twice a week

  Self-image

  Actionable step: Build self-esteem through volunteering; go to weekly psychotherapy

  General safety of the world/community (politics, terrorism, environment)

  Actionable step: Volunteer for political candidate who espouses my beliefs

  If mentally replaying worries made you feel better, you wouldn’t keep hashing out the same old sets of worries. Shift your attention from specific worried thoughts to considering how you could take an actionable step toward improving the larger issue(s).

  STRATEGY: PROBABLE VS. POSSIBLE OUTCOMES

  When we are caught in anxiety quicksand, each and every worrisome thought may seem acute and reasonable. Stress hormones are released, anxiety builds, and it becomes difficult to distinguish the probable from the possible. Instead of repeating the same concerns over and over in your head, write out the following for each of your uneasy thoughts:

  •What is the worst possible scenario that I’m afraid of happening regarding this thought?

  •What is the best possible scenario that I wish could happen regarding this thought?

  •What is a realistic scenario that will likely happen regarding this thought?

  You can be at peace. Slow down and train your mind to steer away from far-reaching catastrophe and toward thoughts that represent the realistic, and most likely, outcomes.

  STRATEGY: PRODUCTIVE VS. UNPRODUCTIVE WORRY

  Another helpful strategy when worry thoughts become triggered is to consider how productive (useful, helpful in your life or to you) it is to worry about that particular issue. When you recognize you’re worrying, classify worried thoughts as productive or unproductive based on the following checklist.

  Productive

  □My worry is in regard to a specific problem.

  □My worry is about something I’m going to have to deal with in the near or immediate future.

  □I have some control over the situation’s outcome.

  □I can make a choice or decision that will solve the worry.

  □This is a new worry, something I don’t usually think about.

  □There’s an actionable step I can take to help alleviate my worry.

  Unproductive

  □I’m worried about something uncertain in the future that no one knows whether it will occur.

  □I have no control over this worry.

  □I think about possible ways to deal with the worry, but nothing feels good enough.

  □I’m obsessively focused and can’t stop thinking about this worry.

  □This is a recurrent worry of mine.

  □There is no action I can take to solve this worry.

  If your worry seems to fall more into the “unproductive” category, the next time it pops up, remind yourself that it’s okay to live with some uncertainties. In fact, it’s impossible not to. Remember to practice acceptance of things as they are. On the other hand, if your worry is productive, make a plan for how you want to problem solve the situation at hand. (There’s more on problem-solving in chapter 9.)

  Overgeneralizing and Underestimating

  When we experience normal anxiety, we focus on the immediate concerns and challenges that no one is immune to, e.g., “Thanksgiving with the family is going to be hard to get through this year.” The highly anxious mind compounds these difficulties by extending them out across time and over a variety of situations: “Every time I’m with my family, I get stressed out.”
Even worse, the anxious mind convinces us that we won’t be able to cope with the thing we dread: “I can’t go to any more family functions, it’s too upsetting.” As a result, we spin our wheels trying to prevent feared situations, emotions, and/or interactions by avoiding people and events that don’t actually pose a real threat. Of course, in reality, there’s only so much control we have over the course of events, and so all this anxious energy results in us feeling at the mercy of life, powerless, and desperate to find relief.

  When we overgeneralize, we develop conclusions about ourselves, our emotions, and what we can and can’t do based on a single experience. For instance, Carmen found out she didn’t get her desired work promotion and concludes: “I’ll never get promoted.” Nolan had a couple of unfulfilling dates and concludes: “I’ll never meet the right one.”

  Overgeneralizing causes you to seal the deal on your fate. In your mind, you render your future chances of success or getting what you want at zero. And perhaps most importantly, overgeneralizing means an end to trying. For example, if you stop believing you will ever get promoted, you stop putting in the extra effort at work. If you believe you won’t find a romantic partner, you stop trying to engage new acquaintances or actively date.

  The second component of the anxious mind is that we underestimate our ability to cope if what we fear actually happens. We tell ourselves we can’t possibly manage the frightening situation our mind is generating: “No way, I wouldn’t even know what to do,” “I won’t be able to deal with that,” “That would kill me,” “I’d go crazy.” In the face of a possible adversity, we imagine ourselves melting into a puddle of anxious fear. This reinforces the superstitious notion that worry itself will keep us safe: “If I worry enough, I’ll be okay,” “If I obsess over this project, I’ll work harder,” “If I keep myself upset and on edge about this, I’ll be better prepared when it happens.”

  This pattern can be broken. You’re capable of managing far more than you imagine. Just because you don’t want to deal with something, or it may be hard to deal with, doesn’t mean you can’t be effective. You have already managed quite a bit in your life. You just do it; you push through to the other side.