Just Physical

by Jae

  Sucks_to_be_me: Here’s my advice.

  Jill wasn’t sure she wanted to know what he or she had to say, but she read on anyway.

  Sucks_to_be_me: If you can afford it, pay someone to help you. I always found people most reliable when I had my checkbook with me.

  That was the grand pearl of wisdom? “Wow,” Jill mumbled at the screen. “It must really suck to be you.” What kind of family and friends did this person have to end up with such a sarcastic attitude? Or had his or her attitude chased all the willing helpers away?

  Totally_dorky: Thanks for the tip. Getting professional help is indeed a good option for some things. But, Sucks, wallowing in your bitterness really isn’t. We want actress_lady to get something positive out of this meeting, not chase her away.

  Jill already knew that, if nothing else, she had already learned something from this meeting: she never wanted to end up like Sucks_to_be_me. While she didn’t want to give up her independence, she realized that she had to let other people in and take active steps toward dealing with her MS. How she would do that, she wasn’t sure yet, but maybe tonight could be the first step.

  CHAPTER 20

  When the gate buzzer sounded, Jill beat even Tramp to the door. “Yes?” she said into the intercom, even though she had a pretty good idea of who was standing on the other side of her gate.

  “Hey. It’s me.”

  No name necessary. Jill buzzed her in. Since the walkathon two weeks ago, they had spent every break on the set and almost every night together. She had never thought that she could spend so much time with one person and not get sick of her—quite the opposite.

  When she opened the door, Crash greeted her with a kiss that nearly made Jill sink to the floor in a puddle of goo.

  Then Crash stepped past her and set down the bag she carried to greet Tramp, who was going crazy, barking and wagging his rear end so hard that even his front shook.

  “What’s that?” Jill pointed at the small duffel bag.

  Crash followed her gaze. “I need to be on the set very early tomorrow, so I brought a change of clothes…just in case I would end up staying over.”

  “Good thinking,” Jill murmured, fighting down a hint of panic. Crash needed clean clothes in the morning. It wasn’t as if she was asking to move in.

  They settled down on the couch, cuddling and exchanging a kiss every now and then while they talked about their days. Finally, they each picked up their own work, Jill studying tomorrow’s lines, while Crash watched something on her laptop.

  Jill had come to love evenings like this. If only this sharing of their evenings could last beyond the wrapping of the movie next week… She still wasn’t sure what the best option was—or even if there was a best option.

  Sighing, she curled her legs under her on the couch and tried to focus on her script pages, but her attention kept wandering off—mostly toward the woman next to her.

  Normally, Crash’s presence was soothing, but today, she radiated an edginess that made the air around her seem to hum with energy. Crash sat on the couch, her laptop perched on her knees, watching the screen with rapt attention.

  Jill had seen that kind of intense focus on the easygoing woman’s face just when Crash was preparing for a stunt…or when they made love.

  Weeks ago, she would have admonished herself for that phrasing of her thoughts, but now she could admit—at least to herself—that they were making love, even though having sex was all she was able to openly acknowledge.

  She slid a bit closer on the couch to see what had captured Crash’s attention so completely.

  A cartoon woman in a 1906-style dress moved across the laptop screen, rushing out of a house with her eyes and her mouth wide open. Crash had the laptop’s speakers off, but the woman seemed to be screaming at the top of her lungs. Flames danced along her back, quickly engulfing her entire body.

  At first, Jill thought Crash was watching a cartoon or an animated movie, but when the sequence repeated over and over, she realized that it was a 3-D visualization of the fire stunt that was scheduled for tomorrow.

  In less than twenty hours, it would be Crash’s body, not the cartoon woman’s, that was being set on fire.

  She had known about the big fire stunt for weeks, of course, but she hadn’t allowed herself to think about it much. There had been other things to focus on. But now Jill’s throat tightened, and she struggled to breathe normally. She had to reach out for her water bottle and take a big sip before she could speak. “Crash?” She lightly touched Crash’s knee.

  “Hmm?” Crash answered without looking away from the laptop screen.

  “Are you worried about tomorrow?”

  Crash closed the laptop, put it down on the coffee table, and turned on the couch to face her. “We’ve planned this stunt for months, and we did about a million run-throughs. There’ll be a fire marshal and several people with fire extinguishers on the set. Every crew member knows exactly what to do. Statistically, I’m taking a greater risk every time I’m taking my car out on an LA highway.”

  By now, Jill knew her well enough to hear what she wasn’t saying. “That’s good to know, but it doesn’t answer my question.”

  Crash clutched her knees with both hands. “I…”

  Jill put one hand on her arm. The muscles and tendons under her palm felt like steel, and she rubbed gently to loosen them. “This is me, Crash. You don’t need to be the heroic, fearless stuntwoman here.”

  Crash’s shoulders slumped. “I’m scared shitless. What if I freeze or my timing is off or—”

  “You won’t,” Jill said firmly, not just to convince Crash but also to chase away the image of Crash burning from her mind. “You went over this stunt so often, you could do it in your sleep.”

  A sigh escaped Crash. “You’re right,” she mumbled but didn’t sound convinced.

  “Did I ever tell you that I first started acting in elementary school?”

  The tension in Crash’s arm receded. She shook her head.

  “I was a donkey in our Christmas school play.”

  That put a smile on Crash’s face. “Aww. I bet you were cute.”

  “I didn’t have any lines, but I was nervous as hell,” Jill said. “I was about to throw up behind the stage. I was so afraid I’d bump into the manger with my cardboard costume and knock it over, baby Jesus and all. My teacher took me aside. Want to know what advice she gave me?”

  “To picture the audience naked?” Crash guessed.

  “That’s the kind of advice you’d give a seven-year-old?” Jill lightly pinched her. “Good thing you’re a stuntwoman, not a teacher. No, she told me to imagine the worst thing that could happen—”

  “I don’t know,” Crash murmured. “I liked the idea of picturing you naked better.”

  Jill pinched her a little harder and continued, ignoring the interruption, “And then to think of a way that I could still come out on top of the situation. So I pictured myself picking up baby Jesus and cradling him in my…uh, hooves, keeping him warm. The audience couldn’t hate me if I did that, right?”

  Crash leaned forward and kissed her. “I don’t see how they could,” she whispered against Jill’s lips.

  Quickly, Jill pulled back before Crash could distract her from what she wanted to say. “So, even if you freeze or your timing is all wrong…” She looked at Crash expectantly.

  “I could always drop down to the ground. That’s the sign for my team to put me out. They’d have me covered in foam within seconds,” Crash said as if to herself. Her hand went to her neck and covered the burn mark protectively. “This isn’t the set of Point of Impact. I know what to do to avoid that snafu. If the wind is too strong or coming from the wrong direction, I’ll tell Ben we have to wait.”

  “Exactly.” Jill nodded with vigor. She pulled Crash’s hand away from her neck and held it in both of hers. “I
know fire stunts are hard for you, but I know you’ll get through this like a champ. I believe in you.”

  “Thank you,” Crash whispered, sounding a little choked.

  Jill pulled Crash’s legs up onto the couch and encouraged her to extend them across her lap so they could be even closer.

  “I know your call time is only at eleven tomorrow and the fire gag is at eight, but…will you come watch?”

  She sounded so vulnerable that Jill wanted to wrap her in her arms and never let go again. “Are you sure you want me there?” She didn’t want her presence to make Crash even more nervous. And, truth be told, she wasn’t sure if she could stand to see Crash be set on fire. A shiver went through her at the thought.

  Crash looked her in the eyes and nodded.

  “Then I’ll be there.”

  “Hey, you okay?” From her now lying position, Crash studied Jill’s face.

  “Me?” Jill laughed, a sound bare of any humor. “I’m not the one who is going to be set on fire tomorrow.”

  “But you’re the one who’s trembling,” Crash said.

  “Must be because I’m so close to you.” Jill gave her voice a seductive timbre. She didn’t want to make Crash even more worried by voicing her own fears. Instead, she trailed one finger up the inside seam of Crash’s jeans, all the while looking into her face to see if Crash would be receptive to a little distraction.

  A groan rose up Crash’s throat. Her breathing instantly quickened. “Jill…”

  Jill pressed a finger to Crash’s lips. “No talking.”

  “No talking,” Crash whispered against her finger. “I can think of better things to do with my mouth.” She sat up and kissed Jill forcefully, as if she wanted to imprint herself on all of her senses. One of her hands slid beneath Jill’s shirt and her thumb brushed the underside of one breast, driving Jill crazy with desire. She wanted to feel Crash’s touch higher or lower on her body. Preferably both.

  She pressed herself against Crash and moaned. “Touch me.”

  “I am touching you,” Crash murmured against her lips.

  Only then did Jill realize that Crash’s other hand had moved down and was stroking the inside of her thigh, which was left bare by her shorts. She watched Crash’s fingers caress her leg, but she couldn’t feel the touch at all. That part of her left leg was completely numb. It had happened before, so Jill wasn’t worried, but now for the first time someone other than her doctors was touching the limb while it was numb. It was a distancing feeling, as if she were watching someone else making love. She wanted to push Crash’s hand away and touch her instead, knowing that she would still get a lot of pleasure just by watching her come.

  But Crash was faster. She moved her other hand down too, unbuttoned Jill’s shorts, and managed to shove them and Jill’s panties halfway down her legs without letting go of her. Her fingertips slid up and to a spot that wasn’t numb at all.

  “Oh, God.” Jill gasped. “I can feel you.”

  Then Crash pressed closer and shifted her fingers, making Jill forget about her numb leg and about tomorrow and about anything but how incredible Crash’s touch felt.

  “Are you really sure you want to drive me?” Crash asked for the fifth time as Jill grabbed the car keys. “You could have slept a little longer and still made it to the studio in time to see the gag.”

  More sleep sounded good. Jill hadn’t slept much last night, and when she had fallen asleep, nightmare images of Crash burning and screaming in panic and pain had woken her up.

  “I’m driving you,” she answered, just as she had the other four times. God, was she as annoying when she refused to let other people help? She hoped not.

  Crash was silent on the drive to the studio. Jill knew she was running through the stunt in her mind, so she didn’t try to make conversation, but she kept her hand on Crash’s knee the entire way.

  Tension lay in the air when they passed the guard and drove onto the studio lot. More crew members than usual were bustling about the second-unit set, double-checking fire extinguishers, blankets, and other safety equipment, while others were there to watch the stunt. Six cameras were being set up, because this was a scene they had to capture in one take.

  Firefighters and medics were waiting at the edge of the set. Maybe their presence should have been soothing, but to Jill it drove home the dangerous nature of this stunt. If this gag went wrong, Crash wouldn’t walk away with a few bumps and bruises.

  She tried to tell herself that there was nothing to it; she had watched Crash perform other dangerous stunts since their first day on set.

  But this was different, not just because this stunt scared even the normally confident Crash. When she had watched her do the first stunt involving fire, she hadn’t been in love with her.

  She squeezed her eyes shut as dizziness gripped her. Yet as much as she tried to, there was no denying it, at least not to herself. But then again, loving Crash had never really been the issue; allowing herself to be loved back was.

  Drawing on her acting skills to keep a neutral expression, Jill walked side by side with Crash until they reached the point where the crew had set up the facade of a house that had been seriously hit by the earthquake.

  Ben looked up from his conversation with two crew men Jill didn’t know and waved Crash over.

  “I need to go,” Crash said but didn’t move. Her face was expressionless, but her eyes were filled with fear.

  Jill reached for both of her hands, finding them clammy. She squeezed softly. “The hardest part was showing up. You can do this.”

  A smile flitted across Crash’s face as Jill repeated her words from the walkathon. “See you at the finish line.” Her grip on Jill’s hands tightened for a second, then she let go, gave her one last glance, and walked away.

  Jill watched her go, her hands clutched around each other.

  “Hey, Jill!”

  When she turned, Lauren waved at her from behind the security barricades.

  Jill headed over. “Good morning.”

  “Morning. Seems no one wanted to miss this.” Lauren gestured at the other cast members who had shown up early to watch the big fire stunt.

  “Seems so,” Jill murmured.

  All around her, colleagues were talking to each other, excited as if they were a bunch of kids visiting the circus.

  Lauren seemed to sense her nervousness. She didn’t try to make conversation while they waited.

  Crash and the stunt coordinator disappeared into the stunt trailer for one last run-through. When Crash returned to the set, she wore a thin, white full-body suit that looked like long johns.

  The material was fire-resistant, Jill knew.

  Ben and two other men surrounded Crash. The stunt coordinator talked to her, gesturing, while the two men slathered her in a clear gel, which made the full-body suit semi-transparent and slicked it to Crash’s body, revealing her athletic shape.

  “Wow.” One of the PAs watching from behind Jill let out a whistle.

  Yeah, Crash looked sexy, but Jill was too worried to muster any amorous thoughts.

  When the white undergarments were completely covered in the gel, the burn team helped Crash into a layer of black clothing and covered her with gobs of the gel again. Her hands, covered by silicone gloves, were coated in the fire-resistant gel too.

  Then she struggled into her costume, an oversized dress, and Ben sprayed something onto its back. One member of the crew bent, dipped both hands into a bucket, and rubbed more of the gooey stuff over Crash’s face and hair until it dripped off her nose.

  Jill remembered what Crash had told her about the fire gel—it would only protect her for a few minutes, so everything would move fast now. She wanted to walk away, avoid seeing Crash being set on fire, but she stayed where she was, wanting to be there for Crash. Her heart thumped against her ribcage in a frantic rhythm.

/>   “You okay?” Lauren asked next to her.

  She felt Lauren’s hand on her shoulder and nodded, her gaze still on Crash.

  “Camera ready?” Ben called. “Sound ready?”

  Two of the crew shouted confirmations.

  “Roll sound.”

  “Speed,” came the reply.

  “Roll camera,” Ben called.

  “Rolling.”

  With every command, Jill’s tension rose. She wanted to shout, “Stop,” but of course she didn’t. She stood rooted to the spot, every muscle in her body rigid.

  Then, just seconds before she was lit on fire, Crash looked up and directly at her.

  Instantly, Jill’s fear disappeared, replaced with the need to be there for Crash. Everything around her seemed to disappear until just she and Crash existed. You can do this, she mouthed to Crash and gave her an encouraging nod, hoping Crash could see her despite the gooey stuff all over her face.

  Crash shivered and tried to stand still while the burn team covered her face, hair, and hands with one last layer of the freezing cold gel. The Nomex undergarments had been soaked in the gel and then put in a cooler at forty-two degrees. The only place on her body that felt warm was the burn mark on her neck, which seemed to be on fire again.

  Forget about that. It’ll be different this time.

  But the memories of her last full-body burn flooded her. The light flutter of anxiety that came with most stunts threatened to grow into full-fledged panic. She focused on her breathing—in, out, in, out—knowing she would get hurt or even killed if she didn’t get control of her fear.

  Even a look at the three safety guys, who waited, fire extinguishers at the ready, didn’t help calm her, so she instead gazed at the cast and crew gathered to watch the stunt. Her mind didn’t register faces, except for one.

  Jill. The sight of her gave Crash confidence. Jill’s last words to her echoed through her mind like a mantra. You can do this.