Suburban Vampire: A Tale of the Human Condition—With Vampires

by Franklin Posner

  Laura was living in an apartment complex on the far west reaches of Gresham, near where Highway 26 leaves town and heads toward the looming specter of Mount Hood. She had a beautiful view of the snowcapped mountain peak and appreciated that she had immediate access to the road that led to some of the best skiing in Oregon. Laura loved skiing and long ago had hoped that Scott would, too. He’d gone skiing a couple times with her but never really became comfortable with the sport, especially after a not-very-fun experience where he went airborne after hitting a mogul and ended up dislocating a shoulder. This discouraged him, and afterward, Laura only went skiing with friends.

  Scott agreed to pick Laura up, wanting to show off his new car. Laura, upon seeing the Mach I, asked if he was going through an early midlife crisis. They went to a nearby chain steakhouse, one of their former favorite date spots. Or at least it was for Scott, as Laura had been trying to avoid red meat in her diet. She ordered the grilled Pacific salmon with baked potato and garden salad. Wanting to blend in, Scott ordered a six-ounce sirloin that he requested rare (“Very rare. I mean, still mooing, if possible”) and also a baked potato, which surprised Laura, as Scott usually had the garlic mash as a side. He avoided this former favorite for obvious reasons. They both had wines from Oregon vintners, Laura a zinfandel and Scott a cabernet. And the conversation wasn’t totally awkward, much to Scott’s surprise.

  “You know what I remember most from our first date? I mean, my favorite memory?” Laura asked.

  “Oh Lord. Don’t remind me, please!”

  “No, no! I remember, it was that praise music concert, right? Down at the Coliseum. You remember that?”

  “Oh man, how could I forget it. The place was packed. I was nervous the entire night.”

  “I know, I know! It was obvious! And there was this time during the concert when I wanted to ask you something, but it was so loud, and I leaned over and whispered in your ear.” Here, Laura started laughing loudly and uncontrollably. “And you had this large Coke in your hand, and you launched it! Like a rocket!”

  They were both laughing loudly now. “You caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting it!” Scott said.

  “So we both were drenched with Coke.”

  “Ah, I was so embarrassed!”

  “I know. Your face was so red. You know, I don’t even remember what the question was. It was then…then I realized that I was in love with you. That night.”

  “Well, if I knew that dumping Coke on my head was your turn-on, that could have saved me a lot of money!”

  They both laughed again. Together.

  “And when did you find that you didn’t love me anymore, Laura?”

  “Oh, you’re not going to ask me what you did to drive me away again, are you? You’re not going to go on about how you know you screwed up with me again, are you? Are you seeking another opportunity to play martyr?”

  “No, Laura, I wasn’t thinking that. I’m not looking to take the blame, thinking that I can somehow emotionally manipulate you into coming back to me. Nor am I looking to put more blame on you. Maybe it’s time both of us drop the blame game.”

  “Then what are you looking for?”

  Right now, what Scott was really looking for was a way to stay alive and not be culled by the House. He probably couldn’t share that, though. “What am I looking for?”

  “Honestly, Scott. What do you want from life?”

  “What do I want from life? I want to live. Laura, I have stared death in the face, and it didn’t faze me. I want to do great things, go great places. No fear. I want to be the man I am meant to be. Without apology.”

  “And who are you meant to be?”

  “Someone…something different. Not restricted by my old fears, my insecurities. My artificial self-imposed limitations. I know you’re familiar with those. God knows you are. And yes, I demanded more from you emotionally than I had the right to. And I am sorry about that. But I am not going to make any more excuses and apologies for the man I used to be, because that man no longer exists.”

  Laura was looking at Scott directly, deeply. He could tell that there was something there, something he hadn’t seen in forever. Laura’s love before had almost seemed like pity to him. This was something else.

  “Scott, you are different. I’ve never heard you talk like this before. So open, so honest, so real. This is what I wanted during our marriage.”

  “Believe me, I’m not trying to impress you. This is me, Laura, me! And I’m going to be me, unashamed, unlimited. And no one—no one—is going to stop me.”

  “I thought I knew you, Scott. You’re like a new man…and I might like to get to know this guy.”

  Laura’s eyes locked with Scott’s. She reached across the table and took his hand.

  “Oh my God, that was incredible!” Laura breathlessly shouted as she lay naked next to Scott in the double bed they formerly shared in marriage.

  “Boy, I’ll say,” Scott said. He shoots; he scores! Making love always did puff Scott’s ego up a bit. Considering the natural ego boost from being a vampire, his ego was now even more considerable. The fact that he knew Laura’s orgasm to have been genuine helped, since he had suspected during their marriage that she had been faking the entire time.

  “No, Scott, I mean it. That was the best sex we’ve ever had. My God, have you been working out? You’ve been working out.”

  “Well, I have been working on my upper-body strength,” Scott lied. “My stamina, too. You can tell, huh?”

  “I can tell. And that thing you did, that move…? Was that some kind of new sex technique? Where did you learn it? Wait, never mind. I don’t want to know. But it was amazing!”

  “And you weren’t bad yourself. Man, I’d hate to be Russ right about now.”

  “Russ? Why?”

  “Well, obviously, you’re going to break it off with him, if we’re going to get back together.”

  “Scott…Scott, I do care for you. And I’m glad you’ve been working on your confidence and self-esteem issues, really I am. But we can’t do this anymore. Not again. I will always wonder if this is temporary, if you’ll go back to being the withdrawn, scared Scott you used to be, and when. In ten more years, next year, next week. And I can’t do that.”

  “Uh, wait a minute. I’m confused. We just had the best sex either one of us has ever had, and now you want to break up again?”

  “We’re not breaking up. We’re broken up. This can’t happen. Us. We can’t happen again.”

  “Wait, wait, wait. What part of ‘best sex ever’ don’t you get here? Didn’t this mean anything?”

  “Yes, Scott, it did. I’m glad we made love, but please, don’t make this into a thing, okay?”

  Scott sat upright in the bed. “It’s already a thing! So I’m a better man now, but better just to bed, is that it? Like I’m some kind of gigolo, except I ain’t getting paid? I’m not husband material, but hey, if you want a kept man, I’m your guy, right? Is that it?”

  “Scott, please, let’s not fight over this.”

  He stood on the side of the bed opposite Laura. He had claimed it as his side during their marriage and still considered it so. “No, Laura, I think it’s time we fought over a lot of things. You complained all during our marriage that you never saw any passion, any drive in me. That I never stood up to you. Well, now I am. Happy?”

  “What has gotten into you? This is not what I wanted when I told you I wanted more emotional involvement from you.”

  “Well, what did you expect? That you get my hopes up and then crash! There goes Scott’s hopes again, but it’s just Scott, so no big—”

  “That’s not fair! And it’s not true. Please, let’s just leave this for now, okay?”

  “Leave this? Okay, we’ll leave this.” Scott pointed toward the bedroom door. “Get out!”

  “Um, Scott?”

  “Get. Out!”

  “Scott!”

  “What?”

  “This is my apartment.”

&nbs
p; Scott grabbed his pants and opened the door. “I knew that!” he said as he stepped out and slammed the door. A couple seconds later, he reentered the room.

  “Forgot my shirt,” he said as he took his shirt from the floor and left the room once again.

  No one was really sure what Father did on the weekends, as he tended to be a very private vampire. Some say he slept the entire time, as his schedule during the week tended to be full, replete with board meetings, following up on various local vampiric issues, overseeing the welfare of his flock, looking into investment opportunities, and meeting with the power players in the world of local human politics, business, and law enforcement. To say he had his hands full would have been putting it mildly. Others thought Father spent his weekends hobnobbing with the local gentry, attending local galas, and playing golf. One vampire thought he saw Father down on the Clackamas River with a fly rod and waders, engaged in an almost Zen-like pursuit of salmon. This theory was actually brought to Father’s attention, a charge that he vehemently denied. “Vampires do not fly fish,” he said, bringing an end to the pointless speculation.

  Elizabeth’s weekend was also one of a speculative nature, although some of her hobbies were well known. She was a member at a local gun club and often competed at various practical shooting events, especially three-gun matches. She tried not to use her vampiric abilities, as she wished to compete on a more level playing field and not take unfair advantage of the humans. She would often intentionally fail so as not to gain too much notoriety. She applied this approach to her other well-known pastime: various forms of martial arts, most of them weapon oriented. She enjoyed eskrima and silat and was well versed in various forms of kenjutsu. She had recently become involved in various Western martial arts, primarily in singlestick and the German-style longsword. She knew she could easily beat the humans in any event but wisely chose not to. She did not happily do this, as she considered the human species beneath her, but the House requested it, and she thought discretion was more important than a display of contempt.

  However, on Monday, both Father and Elizabeth returned to business as usual. Father asked the Samoan if he had heard anything from the Inquisitor, which he had not. Father then checked his phone messages and his e-mail to similar results. He did not wish to send another message to the council, as this would have been a breach of etiquette, and Father was nothing if not concerned about etiquette.

  Instead, he pressed on with other matters, leaving the issue of Scott Campbell for later. Father was able to take an unscheduled meeting with a vampire of no particular standing and no reputation, a fairly recent convert who had been given full member status, no longer holding the title of acolyte. The younger vampire had sought an audience with Father over some minor clerical issue, something having to do with an adjustment to his House-provided meal plan.

  “Welcome, Rodney, is it?” Father said to the younger vampire, a twentysomething thin white male with premature male-pattern balding who was dressed business-casually in a cheap, used corduroy jacket (cheaper than vampires usually accept, anyway).

  “Yes, Father, it is so good to see you,” Rodney replied. “I have some documents here I’d like to show you.”

  Father, gracious as usual, bid Rodney to approach. He crossed the boardroom and came closer to the head of the table where Father sat.

  “Please, show me these documents,” Father requested.

  Rodney reached inside his second-hand jacket. What he removed was no document.

  “With the compliments of the Improvers! Free the chosen one!” Rodney shouted as he lunged at Father with a sharpened wooden stake in his upraised hand in an ice-pick-style attack.

  Father’s reaction to the attack was as sudden as the attack itself. He blocked Rodney’s arm and attempted to disarm him of the stake.

  Elizabeth entered the room from the door behind Father to relay information on some background checks she had conducted, not expecting to see the struggle playing out before her. She threw the files on the ground and charged at the attacker, pushing him off of Father and against the table. Rodney still had the stake and began to strike out at Elizabeth, who delivered a front kick to the young vampire’s stomach and launched him across the table.

  Rodney slid across the table, crashing into the chairs on the other side. Elizabeth grabbed a falchion from its mount on the wall and then leaped over the table, seeming almost to fly. Rodney was trying to get up and clawing for a dao mounted on the opposite wall, but he was unable to unsheathe it, as Elizabeth was soon upon him. With a single slash of her sword, she completely severed Rodney’s head. The head and body both fell to the floor, collapsing into a pile of ash, bone fragments, and tattered clothes.

  Father straightened his tie. “I had the situation well under control.”

  “Yeah, I could see that. What was this about?”

  “It was about the Improvers.”

  “Ah, one of those Improver whack jobs, huh? That’s odd. So far, they haven’t tried anything so bold as a straight-out assassination attempt like this. This isn’t their usual modus operandi.”

  “Well, maybe something has caused them to change, Elizabeth.”

  “Something? Or someone?”

  “I fail to understand your meaning.”

  “Oh bullshit. This was Jack. You know it. That son of a bitch comes in here, flaunts the rules, kisses ass, and magically, all his transgressions are forgotten. Like he’s some sort of golden boy or vampire rock star. We need to act, Father. We need to act now. Before something worse happens.”

  “I’ll forgive the disrespectful tone, Elizabeth. Perhaps Jack was behind this. Do we have proof? Is there a shred of evidence against him? No. Until we find evidence, all we have is idle speculation. That is not enough.”

  “Apologies for my tone. No disrespect meant, Father.”

  “And we cannot interrogate poor Rodney now, can we? He could have provided valuable information on the Improvers. Now he can’t.”

  “I saved your life. Surely that accounts for something.”

  Father sighed. “You do have my gratitude. In any event, I feel we may have a few more run-ins with the Improvers and therefore more opportunities for interrogations. I want you to make the Improvers a priority. Find their leaders. Bring them to heel.”

  “Yes, Father.”

  “Oh, and Elizabeth?”

  “Yes, Father?”

  “Do have someone clean up the mess. It’s unsightly.”

  “What are we doing on the top of a parking structure in the middle of downtown Portland at near midnight?” Scott asked.

  Jeremiah had contacted him earlier in the day and asked to meet there after Scott got off work. Scott had agreed, unsure why they would be meeting at this particular garage, the structure having five covered stories. They were standing on the very top, which was an open parking area, making for six actual parking floors. The lot did have a sign stating that it was patrolled twenty-four hours a day, which was, in theory, correct. However, the graveyard security guard, an unmotivated elderly man who simply wished to augment his limited income, was not religious in his duties. He allowed for large gaps of time between patrols, preferring to watch movies on the laptop computer his daughter had given him for his birthday last spring. This was a perfect environment for Jeremiah’s purposes.

  “How was your weekend, Scott?” Jeremiah asked.

  “Sucked. I found out that I’m just as big a loser with women now than I was before.”

  “I’m sorry to hear it. You do know, you do have abilities in that area, Scott.”

  “Yeah, mad vampire seduction skills. Woo-hoo. I’m not looking just to get laid, Jeremiah. I want…I want a real relationship.”

  “Oh really? Have you ever considered the ramifications of having relationships with human women? It doesn’t work, Scott. It never works. You will always be aware of what you are, always aware that you are beyond human. And then there is the fact that you will outlive any wife or family that you could ever have. Y
ou will watch them age and watch their bodies decay before your eyes, until the inevitable march of time claims them and they return back into the dust from whence they came. That is our curse.”

  “I guess those are some pretty irreconcilable differences. Still, haven’t you ever longed for love—not just sexual pleasure, but love? Real love? Have you ever been married?”

  “I had seven wives at one time. I did not care for any of them. I gladly went off to war instead of further dealing with them. Be that as it may, I am right about this. Trust that what I have said is true. I have been on this earth for more than two thousand years; I know my subject well. By the way, have you heard on the status of your hearing?”

  “No, not a word. I’ve been thinking of calling.”

  “No, don’t do that. They will call in their time. You will be ready. Do not worry.”

  “Yeah, well, can’t avoid that. I don’t want to die, Jeremiah. Hell, I just became immortal. I want some payoff, at least.”

  “Fear not, my friend. Speaking of payoff, there is a reason we are here.”

  “Finally. And that is?”

  “To show you more of your abilities. To overcome your limitations. To teach you how to use what has been given to you. As you are aware, you are far stronger, far more agile, than you were before.”

  “Yeah, but that’s not saying much.” Scott reflected on how he was never exactly physically strong to begin with but an overweight weakling. Physical education had been his weakest point in school. He had always been the last to be chosen for a team. There was no basis upon which to compare where he had been and where he was now. It was like going from zero to one thousand miles per hour in a few seconds.