Graveyard Romance

by Krumbine, Jason

  Against my better judgment, I opened my eyes.

  The grey monster still stood in front of me, however, its triangular head now lay beside it, instead of atop of it. Where its head had been, now was a spewing gush of weird green ooze that was showering over everything in the immediate vicinity, including me.

  My stomach churned uncomfortably.

  Wiping the green ooze from my face, I peeked out from behind the still standing grey monster and saw Dani standing there, also getting sprayed, carrying a jagged piece of metal, which looked to have come from a car door.

  She smiled at me. "That's twice I've saved your cute butt."

  I got to my feet. "This time doesn't count. It wouldn't have needed to be saved if you hadn't stolen the ruby."

  Dani dropped the metal. "I don't believe you." she said as she shook her head. "Can't we just drop this and move on?"

  "It's kind of hard to drop it and move on when it's stuck to my wrist," I replied through gritted teeth.

  A growl emanated from the ground. We both looked down.

  The monster's head was still, apparently, very much alive.

  "I'm gonna kill you two!"

  "Oh, you have got to be kidding me!" I exclaimed.

  Dani grabbed my hand. "Come along, dear."

  We started running…again.

  I glanced over my shoulder after a few seconds and saw the headless body of the grey monster lumbering towards us. This was just too ridiculous.

  "Now what do we do?" I asked between desperate gasps for breath.

  Dani didn't reply.

  I looked ahead of us.

  We had left the road and were running towards the beach. However, we were on an incline.

  "Dani, what are you doing?"

  She didn't reply.

  I glanced back over my shoulder. Despite being headless, the monster body was making incredibly good time.

  Looking forward again I saw the edge of a cliff rapidly approaching. She wasn't going to do what I thought she was going to do, was she?

  As if reading my mind, Dani tightened her grip on my hand.

  She was going to do it.

  "Dani Widgon, you're crazy!" I screamed, trying to pull my hand away from her firm grip.

  "I love you too, sweetie," she replied, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek. "Now shut up. I'm in the middle of saving that cute little butt of yours again."

  And then, we jumped over the edge.

  2

  Luckily, the freezing water broke our fall.

  After a handful of seconds struggling around in the blue nightmare, I finally broke the surface. I gulped the fresh air greedily.

  I floated aimlessly for a minute before I felt a hand on my collar. I started splashing around erratically. I just knew it was the monster.

  "Would you stop that?" Dani snapped.

  I stopped. "Sorry," I muttered, and let Dani pull me towards shore.

  I looked around and noticed that the grey monster was nowhere to be seen.

  Soon, we crawled out of the water onto the warm sand. I think it was Kruger Beach, but I wasn't sure.

  "That's it," I said, collapsing to my knees, "from now on, I make all the plans."

  Dani looked at me. "You're welcome," she replied dryly.

  "Why should I thank you?"

  "Excuse me," she said, getting to her knees. She waved her arms around as if to encompass the entire beach, "but do you see a grey monster chasing us?"

  "Hello!" I raised my right wrist. "Did you forget about this?"

  Dani looked at the ruby, but didn't say anything.

  I lay back on the sand, staring blankly up at the morning sky, trying desperately to will away this unending nightmare.

  "So, what are we going to do now?" she asked finally.

  I shrugged. I was too tired for this crap. "Beats me. The only I can think of right now is that I'm probably going to get a rash from my wet underwear riding up my butt."

  "You're welcome."

  "Whatever."

  We didn't say anything for the next several minutes.

  If we didn't have to worry about a headless grey monster that wanted to kill me, this might have been rather pleasant. A little early morning jaunt to the beach. A pleasant sea. A cool breeze. Very nice indeed.

  In fact, it felt so peaceful, I even closed my eyes. It was very nice. This was what I needed. A moment to relax, catch my breath, ignore the fact that there was some supernatural element in the shape of a ruby attached to my wrist.

  I sighed and then opened my eyes and found myself staring at three hovering figures over the ocean.

  I closed my eyes again, thinking I might have been hallucinating. But, when I reopened them, the figures were still there.

  They were clad in heavy brown robes, with giant hoods that cast their faces into shadows. They hovered there, about twenty feet from the shoreline.

  "Dani?"

  "Hmm?"

  I propped myself up on my elbows and looked at her. She had apparently decided to followmy example and was lying beside me on the sand with her eyes closed.

  "You might want to see this."

  "See what?" she asked, peeking open one eye.

  I pointed wordless towards the hovering figures.

  She propped herself up and looked out towards the sea.

  "Oh," she said, using one hand to shield her eyes from the glare of the sun. "Huh. That can't be good."

  I nodded. "I generally find that ominous hovering figures are never a good sign."

  The robed figures had yet to move.

  "What do we do?"

  I looked around the beach and spotted a house behind us.

  I looked back at the figures. They were still hovering motionless over the blue sea.

  "Okay, here's the plan. See that house back there?"

  "Yeah?"

  "Run for it!"

  I bolted to my feet.

  Dani looked up at me incredulously. "That's your plan? How is that any different from my last plan?"

  "Um, could we argue about this while we're running?" I glanced over my shoulder. They still hadn't moved.

  Dani got to her feet, rather slowly I thought. "No, I want to discuss it now. Here you are, ragging on me for my plans and yours aren't any better!"

  "Dani, now is really not the time to be having this discussion," I grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her around. I pushed her forward. "Now, please, run!"

  I glanced over my shoulder one more time, and sure enough, the figures still hovered out there, very lacking in motion. I was starting to get a little irritated. Why hadn't they started to chase us yet?

  Dani and I quickly made our way across the sand and over a small concrete barrier that separated the house from the beach.

  We jogged up to the sliding glass doors on the back of the house. I cupped my hands to the glass and peered in.

  I looked back at Dani. "Looks empty."

  She nodded. "Okay, so now what do we do, master planner?" she asked sarcastically.

  I scratched the back of my head. "Break in, maybe. Use the phone." I turned back towards the beach.

  "And who would we call? The Ghostbusters? I'm not quite sure this is their sort of thing. Of course, there’s always Buffy," Dani said. "But that's ignoring the fact that none of those people are even real."

  "Look, why are you mad at me? You're the one who stole the damn ruby," I said. I looked back at the sea. The hovering figures had disappeared. "Swell."

  "What?" Dani asked. She followed my gaze. "Oh, where did the weird guys in the brown robes go?"

  "I don't know and I don't want to know," I said as I turned back to the sliding glass doors.

  Then I promptly screamed my head off.

  3

  The three brown robed figures now hovered on the other side of the sliding glass doors.

  They totally scared the crap out of me. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

  Their shadowed faces regarded us ominously.

  "How'd th
ey do that?" Dani whispered.

  The middle one raised its arm, its hand hidden out of sight within the sleeve, and pointed at me.

  "You possess the nebulous," it said. Although, how exactly I heard it, I had no idea.

  "Yeah, I've been getting a lot of that lately," I replied. "Look, not to be rude or anything, but are you guys going to try and kill me?"

  "We do not wish to kill you," the middle one said. I don't think it was really speaking. It was more like I heard it in my mind.

  "Well, I think that's the best news we've had all day," Dani said.

  I gaped at her. "You heard all that?"

  The middle one was ‘speaking’ again. "You must not let the nebulous fall into the hands of the Others."

  "The Others?" I repeated. "What are you talking about?"

  If it heard me, it didn't give any indication. "The consequences would be disastrous."

  "Okay, look, I don't think you're being vague enough. Maybe try being a little more general?"

  The middle one lowered its arm, and then the three figures weren't there anymore.

  "That," I said after a few minutes, "was weird."

  "Who are the Others?"

  "Last time I checked, they were a movie starring Nicole Kidman," I shrugged. "Maybe they're branching out."

  Suddenly there was a loud boom behind us. Dani and I slowly turned around and found ourselves looking at a sickly grey, well, Thing standing on the beach. It sort of looked a like a giant mouth with legs.

  Its mouth snapped open, revealing a set of very impressive teeth. The Thing emitted a high pitched shrill, which was answered only seconds later from behind us.

  Dani and I spun around to find that a second Thing was standing on the roof of the house.

  "Oh, this is so not funny," I said.

  "I don't know," Dani said with a quirky little smile, "looks kind of funny to me."

  "Shut up." I rammed my elbow against the sliding glass door, intending to break-in.

  The glass shuddered violently, but didn't break.

  My elbow, however, felt like it had broken into a thousand tiny pieces.

  Ow, ow, ow.

  Thing 1, the one on the beach, gave another high-pitched shrill and started charging at us.

  "Allow me, sweetie," Dani said casually, pushing me to the side.

  She proceeded to shatter the glass with her foot.

  Staring at the shattered glass that lay strewn across the carpeted floor, I asked, "What drugs are you taking, and where can I get them?"

  Dani picked up the two largest unbroken pieces of glass and flung them at the on-coming Thing.

  The sharp shards found their marks in the Thing's left leg, causing it to howl painfully and fall down.

  We rushed into the beach house and found ourselves in an empty living room, painted the color of puke green.

  "Oh jeez, whoever painted this should be arrested for crimes against humanity," I said, trying to fight down the urge to hurl.

  "Come on, it's not that bad."

  We turned to find a life-size portrait of Cher. She was dressed in an outfit that had a multitude of sparkle and feathers.

  “Okay,” Dani said, “now that’s a crime.”

  Suddenly, there was a loud crashing noise.

  Dani and I turned in the direction of the kitchen and found Thing 2 standing amid broken counters and roof shingles.

  It gave off one those high-pitched shrills, which, by the way, were really starting to get annoying.

  It leapt forward, snapping its mouth open and closed.

  Dani pushed me through a doorway on our left that I hadn't noticed and slammed the door on the flying Thing.

  The door shattered into a thousand tiny little pieces.

  "Uh, not to be the voice of negativity, but I don't think you're helping!" I shouted.

  We were in the master bedroom. It wasn't painted puke green, but rather a really bright shade of orange. Two posters of the Olsen Twins hung on the walls.

  Was there no end to the horrors?

  "Well, if you've got a better idea, I won't say no!" Dani shot back, hurling the brass door handle, which was surprisingly still in one piece, at Thing 2.

  "Maybe if we clicked our heels together and chanted ‘There’s no place like home’?" I suggested as the wall behind me exploded into tiny bits of sheetrock and brick.

  I spun around.

  The grey monster, still headless, stood in the gaping hole that had been the north wall.

  "Oh, come on!"

  And then, everything went black.

  4

  When I came to I heard a hyena singing.

  No, scratch that.

  The hyena wasn't singing. It was doing some kind of audible butchering of the lyrics to Old Man River. The high-pitched, almost squealing voice bounced off what sounded like stone walls. Echoes upon echoes upon echoes.

  If this wasn't Hell, I didn't know what was.

  Desperately trying to ignore the hyena and its ode to horror, I took in my surroundings.

  The first thing I noticed was that I was in a dimly lit cage, surrounded by small puddles of a gross looking purple liquid.

  The second thing I noticed was that Dani lay across from me, out like a light.

  The third thing I noticed, once my eyes began to adjust to the dark, was that the ruby was no longer attached to my wrist.

  I stared at my now barren wrist. I didn't know whether to be happy or very afraid.

  I couldn't make out much beyond our cell, although there looked to be similar cages on our left and right, but I couldn't tell whether they were occupied.

  I walked over to Dani and gently shook her.

  "Dani, wake up," I whispered. The hyena was still belting out Old Man River, and it sounded dangerously close.

  "Hmm, uh?" Dani muttered. "Am I dead?

  ""Um, I might be going out on a limb here, but no not yet," I replied.

  "Then why does it sound like I'm in Hell?"

  I helped Dani to her feet. "I'm not quite sure."

  She looked around our small cage. "Weren't we on the verge of being slaughtered by two weird Things and a grey, headless monster?"

  I looked at her. "You’re complaining?"

  "No, just curious." She pointed at my wrist. "Hey, where’s my ruby?"

  I shrugged. "It was missing when I woke up." I walked over to the bars and pulled on one of them experimentally. They were firm.

  "It’s missing? Jeez, you do have a hard time hanging onto my things."

  "Well, I haven't lost you yet."

  "You're still mad at me?"

  I sat back down, leaning against the bars. "Oh, I don't know. I mean," I raised my wrist, "I don't have a ruby stuck to my wrist anymore."

  She smiled and sat down next to me and patted my arm. "See, that's the spirit. Be positive."

  "However," I continued ignoring her tone, "I am trapped in a dark cage, in a strange location, listening to Old Man River being recited by the devil himself."

  “Well, when you put it like that . . ."

  “Look, would it kill you to think before you act?”

  She looked at me. “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m talking about using a little common sense," I said. "I mean, stealing a ruby from an undead guy, visiting a cemetery after dark,are you seeing where I’m going with this?”

  “Uh, excuse me, but how was I supposed to know there would be a group of undead people there who’d want to sacrifice us?” She folded her arms.

  “That’s beside the point."

  “I don't think you know what the point is," she said, rolling her eyes.

  “Dani, you stole the stupid ruby because it looked pretty. That’s beyond not thinking. Hell, I wouldn’t even count it as being impulsive. It’s just plain stupid!”

  Neither of us said anything for a couple of minutes. We just glared at each other while the hyena continued singing in the background.

  "Well, aren’t you two just a couple of love b
irds," said a delicate, old man's voice.

  Startled, Dani and I both jumped to our feet and turned to what looked to be the front of the cage. The voice had come from a tall man, dressed in a black suit that seemed to melt him into the darkness. His hair was dark grey with streaks of brilliant white at his temples. He had blue eyes and his face had a craggy, chiseled appearance to it that was now appeared tempered with age.

  "And you are . . .?" I asked, glancing around. Despite the fact that he seemed to blend in with the shadows, which, I had to admit, gave him a very ‘classic horror’ movie feel, he was easily the most reasonable thing I had seen in the past twelve hours. I suppose I had to take my comfort where I could get it.

  "Call me Karloff," he replied. His voice had an almost grandfatherly feel to it. Very comforting.

  Karloff clasped his hands behind his back and said, "I should thank the both of you. As long as Wolfe was in possession of the nebulous we would never have been able to recover it. Our authority, unfortunately, does not extend into cemeteries."

  "Huh?"

  Karloff waved a blocky hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it. It's really none of your concern. You two have done more than enough good for one day."

  Dani nodded. "Which is why you have us locked up in a cage listening to, well, whatever that is," she waved a hand in the general direction of the singing hyena.

  Karloff smiled pleasantly. "The cage is a necessary precaution, my dear, as we do have to sacrifice you. And while I'm sure you are a Good Samaritan, I somehow doubt you would willingly submit yourself to be sacrificed. As for Ernest, he does stretch one's limits, doesn't he? He looked over his shoulder and snapped, "Ernest! Silence and attend to me!"

  "Whoa, whoa, whoa," I said, waving my hands, "back up a sec. What's this about sacrificing us?"

  "Not you, actually, just the girl," he corrected. "We need a young virgin female."

  I did a double take and looked at Dani. "You're a…?"

  "Yeah, so?"

  I shrugged. "Well, I'm just surprised, I guess."

  She rolled her eyes. "Jeez, Michael, I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid. And thanks for the vote of confidence in my ability to maintain my virtue."

  "Ah, feel the love," Karloff said happily.

  "Why is it that every supernatural force we come across wants to sacrifice us?" I asked.