by Abby Gale
We were looking each other, both of us were breathing fast. We were fighting with our gazes. I was trying to break down his walls with my raw honesty, he was trying to build them stronger with his arrogant ignorance.
I had no idea if one of us would win, but we had to put a hold on our internal war when Stacey’s voice sounded from the intercom.
“Mr. Hawke, Hillary Trent is here to see you.”
“Shit! That’s my grandma. I’ll go get her,” Kellan said, straightening his clothes. Nodding my head, I did the same with mine, trying to fix the mess we created on his desk. After I was done, I couldn’t help myself and headed to the first floor.
“Why don’t you come to sit in my office Nanna?”
I came to a stop when I heard Kellan’s voice, staying put where I was as they were talking in the waiting area of the building. I saw and heard them clearly, thanks to a human sized tree I was hiding behind.
“I’m going to dinner with my friends, my dear boy. I just wanted to check on you. I knew you would work till this hour. You shouldn’t exhaust yourself, Kellan.”
“Don’t worry, Nanna. I’m good. I’ll leave the building soon.” Kellan answered her.
“Okay, I’m going now. But before I go I need to ask something,” she stopped him, cupped his cheek in her hand.
“What is it, Nanna?” he asked, but rolled his eyes like he knew what was coming.
“Do you have a girlfriend, my boy?” his grandmother asked, still holding and caressing his cheek. I wanted to laugh at his uncomfortable expression as his grandma pet him like a baby, but waiting nervously for his answer held my laughter back.
“No, Nanna. I don’t have a girlfriend.”
“Oh, why is that my sweet boy? A guy like you should have someone special in his life,” she protested.
“No, Nana. There is no one special,” he said with certainty.
I didn’t know if I made a noise or if he felt my presence, but he turned around and saw me there. I didn’t care that he had caught me eavesdropping. The tears pooled in my eyes as he continued to stare at me without any emotion. I searched his eyes for regret at saying something like that, but there was none.
I forced myself to turn my back and walk away. I went back to my office, standing in front of floor to ceiling windows, I watched the people walking below, unaware of my broken heart above their heads.
I could still feel him where he was just a few minutes ago yet he said “there was no one special”. I wasn’t expecting him to fall on his knees and profess his love for me. But I thought what we had was something special, something worth all the risk. I knew it wasn’t exactly love between us, but it was more than just a fuck… at least to me.
The hurt subdued, leaving anger in its place, rage even, I wiped my tears and bolted into Kellan’s office. The door sharply hit the wall, causing the frame to fall. I waited for him to say something, but when I looked at him, he was leaning back on his chair, calmly, and watching me without expression.
“Is there a problem, Miss Crown?”
“Yes! There is a big problem, Mr. Hawke,” I exclaimed.
“Mmm, I like it when you call me Mr. Hawke,” he murmured, amused.
“Stop it! Just stop! What am I to you? A sex toy? A whore? Do you think I’m gonna fuck you then leave without a word, without meaning anything to you? You’ve just fucked me, Kellan. You fucked me a few damn minutes ago and then told your grandma that I’m not someone special.”
“Are you finished?”
“No! No, I’m not finished. I can’t do it anymore. I’m not your whore or your sex toy. I lied to everyone, I risked everything… for what? Huh? For what?”
“A good fuck?” He offered. Amusement was dripping from his voice.
“A good fuck? Is that all I am to you? Damn you! I won’t keep doing that for ‘a good fuck’, Kellan. I can get that from anywhere. I thought there was something more, but I see I’m wrong…I’m done,” I finished.
“Then why are you here, Melody?” he said, standing from his chair, walking toward me with purpose. I couldn’t help but move back.
I didn’t notice I left the door open until he closed and locked it. Thank God we were alone on this floor.
“Why are you here, Mel?” he repeated his question, standing in front of me.
“Why are you always coming to me instead of going to someone else for “a good fuck” you can easily find somewhere else, then? Why are you looking at me like you want to rip off my clothes and jump me? Why don’t you stop all this mess if it bothers you that much? Why are you arching your back to get closer to me, why are you begging for me to kiss you, even fuck you, with your eyes when you want to be angry with me? Why, Melody?” His breath was on my face, his lips were grazing mine, his eyes were captivating.
“Because… I…” I didn’t know what to say, how to answer. I took a deep breath, “Because I love you, damn it. Because I am stupid enough to fall in love with a bastard like you. Because I thought I meant something to you,” I hated the vulnerability in my voice.
“Don’t I mean anything to you, Kellan?” I whispered.
I hated the hope in me as I waited for him to reply.
I hated his silence.
I expected him to say something… say that I meant something to him.
I stopped breathing when I saw his lips part to talk…
“No, you don’t,” he said, unlocking the door without breaking eye contact with me. And then he left the room without a second glance, leaving me with my shattered heart, damaged pride, and also, after all these things, with a stupid part of me that still wanted to go after him.
What could a woman do after falling for a man she shouldn’t? After she meant nothing to that man? After she felt like her body was in pain. I didn’t know what others would do… Hell, even I didn’t know what to do.
Leaving the building was a blur. I remembered there were people who called out to me, but I didn’t stop or acknowledge them. Thankfully a taxi was waiting in front of the building, I jumped into it.
“Miss, I was waiting for a customer from the building,” the driver said, meeting my eyes in the mirror. I had no idea how I looked, but I must have looked pretty bad because the driver continued, “You know what, Miss? I will ask them to send another taxi. Where are we going?”
“To the city, just drive,” I whispered, didn’t even notice I was crying until tears wet my cheeks.
I loved someone who would never love me back.
I refused to see what was so obvious –he wasn’t relationship material. He never claimed to be. From the first second I met him, he had never given me wrong signals… I wanted to see them. I wanted this to be a story from a romance novel.
How stupid I was for seeing things that weren’t there in the first place. My hand was still itching to grab my phone from my purse, hoping he called or texted… even with a message I felt like I could have forgiven him.
How pathetic was that?
How pathetic was I?
But everything was so good. The way he looked at me, the way he touched me… he had never talked about a relationship, never told me I meant something to him, but I was with him. I felt his lust, his passion, his need for me. His caresses told me what his words didn’t.
I still felt him on my body, his kisses on my skin. The desperate need in his thrusts. How he made me look at him before I came, how he kissed me deeply, intensely before he released inside me.
An invisible hand was wrapped around my neck tightly. Another one was holding my heart in a tight cage.
I couldn’t breathe.
“Miss? Do you need anything?” the driver asked me. He must have been scared of the sounds that came from my throat.
“No… right from here,” I gave him directions.
When I was finally at home, I didn’t have any strength and I slid down against the door. The tears were falling down uncontrollably, the pain around my heart was unmanageable.
“Melody? Oh my God, Melody?!�
�� Becca kneeled next to me, pushing my hair back from my face, “What happened? Damn! Okay… breathe, honey… breathe… I’m here. You’ll get through this... whatever it is, everything will be okay, I promise,” she tried to console me, repeating the same words again and again till there were no more tears I could shed, no more painful sounds my throat could make.
“Can we get up from this hard floor now?” she groaned jokingly when my breaths turned back to normal.
“Yeah,” I chocked, my throat was on fire.
“Okay, you’re going to take a shower, I’ll make you chamomile tea and then, you’ll get a good rest. We’ll take care of everything, okay?” she said, lifting me up from the floor both literally and emotionally.
In the bathroom, I fought with myself –one part of me didn’t want to wBecca him from my body. It was only an hour ago he touched me with passion, looked into my eyes with the same intensity that turned me to putty in his arms, the same intensity that heated up my body immediately. Only an hour ago, he whispered to me how good I felt, how he couldn’t get enough of me, how he wanted time to stop while he was inside me. This part was crying inside me, telling me everything was real and that I meant something to him.
But another part of me wanted to skin me alive to get rid of his scent, his touches on my flesh. This part wanted to rip my heart apart to get him out of it, that part screamed at me for being stupid.
Between the two strong parts of me, I only cried, supporting myself on the shower wall, I let the water diminish the fire inside me.
I was exhausted when I got out, didn’t even have the strength to put my clothes on. Padding to the living room, I curled into a ball on the couch in my bathrobe. Becca came into the room with my tea, the smell surrounded the room, relaxing my senses.
“Head up, sweet girl,” Becca said, sitting on the couch, letting me put my head on her thighs.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she whispered, caressing my hair.
Taking a deep breath, I whispered, “I don’t mean anything to him.”
“That guy? Kellan?”
Even hearing his name was like trying to sleep on shattered glasses. But I nodded anyway.
She sighed.
“What will you do about that?” she asked, “Drink this,” she added, pointing the cup on the coffee table.
Sitting up, I grabbed my tea cup, sipping it as I thought about her question.
“I have no idea what I should do…”
“Will you continue working for him?”
“I don’t know, I like working there… I love what I’m doing there. This is the closest thing to my dreams,” I started, taking a deep breath I continued with certainty, “I won’t quit my job, if I still have one.”
“I support this, but what about seeing him every day? I don’t want to see you come home crying each day, Mel,” she said.
“I should have never let this thing carry on. He was supposed to be a one-time thing, he should have stayed that way. Seeing him…” I sighed, “This will be the consequence of my stupidity, I think.”
“Then you made your decision, honey. You know I’m always here to support you, but just in case…good luck!”
Walking into the building of Hawke Architecture, I wasn’t feeling like myself. I wasn’t even sure if I was feeling anything at all. The elevator was taking me to the fifteenth floor, but I felt like I was falling, spiraling down into a black pit. The only thing that kept me conscious of the moment was the heat from the coffee cup in my hand –his coffee, black, like my world.
Lifting my chin up, I knocked on his door before entering in. From the corner of my eye, I saw he was surprised to see me, his frown was in place, but I didn’t make eye contact with him before I was ready.
I put his coffee on the table, “Good morning, Mr. Hawke. You have one meeting today, at eleven am. It could run over until lunch break, do you want me to make snacks ready in the conference room?” I told him, in cold professionalism.
“Melod-” he started, but I made eye contact with him. That shut him up.
“Do you need snacks ready, Mr. Hawke?” I repeated, emphasizing every word so he knew all I meant was business.
“Yes, Mel… Miss Crown,” he answered, looking like he ate something nasty. His troubled expression should have made me happy, but it didn’t. It put a lump in my throat.
“Is that all, Mr. Hawke?” I asked, taking a step back to go out.
“Yes, Miss Crown.”
Turning on my heels, I opened the door, but he stopped me just before I could leave his space, “Melody…” he rasped.
His one word held pain, desperation, but I refused to try and make sense of his unspoken communication anymore. I didn’t turn back, but he didn’t continue. Sighing, I looked over my shoulder, “What, Mr. Hawke?” I snapped.
He looked at me, the same pained expression was in his gaze, but I held my ground. Swallowing before schooling his expression, “I need you… in that meeting. That’s all,” he said and dismissed me by turning to his computer.
Looking out of the window I took deep breaths to settle my feelings. Just a few minutes ago I was in a daze, like a robot, feeling nothing at all and after seeing him, my insides turned to needles. Every breath hurt me.
I was feeling used… not by him, but by my emotions toward him. He had never been boyfriend material yet I let my lust blind me and I got carried away by turning a simple attraction into love. We were never right for each other. I was just a hopeless romantic who tried to be wild for one night, who jumped out of her comfort zone and found herself in his path, the guy who was after one thing only: a good lay. We should have been just that, one wild night, but I couldn’t stop myself from wanting him, falling for his deadly charm, getting attached to him… in the hopes of making him change, forcing us to be together. Our experience ended, we only prolonged it. I couldn’t see a happy ending for this, there wasn’t one and yet I fooled myself by fantasizing about it.
And now, this was my punishment –every time I saw him would hurt me.
I hated him for not being right for me, but I still loved him with every fiber of my being. I loved how he made me fall for him in a short amount of time.
I hated him for ruining me for the next person that I would come into my life. I knew I could never put anyone above him, I knew for the rest of my life I would compare everyone to him.
Wiping away the single tear that found its way from my eye, I turned back to focus on my music academy project. I was polishing the details on my previous draft. The meeting we would attend in a few hours was our next project, I wanted this one to be done by then… also, drawing took my mind off him… for a few minutes at least.
My office phone rang, “Hawke Architecture, Melo-” I started as usual, but he interrupted me, “Bring me the Turner files, please.”
I was pretty sure that I put those files on his desk yesterday, before everything happened. But since he didn’t even wait for my reply I checked the file cabinet, just in case. I didn’t want to go to his office, seeing his face wasn’t easy, especially as he still looked at me with the same intensity. But I knew that wasn’t an option, when I decided to keep working for him this was what I agreed to.
I headed to his office, schooling my expression to look professional instead of looking like a miserable ex.
“Where are the files I wanted?” he said when he saw me empty handed, but he didn’t look angry or irritated. He looked… careless about the files.
“They must be on your desk, Mr. Hawke. I left them here yesterday,” I said, not going closer to him so I could make an easy escape.
“They aren’t here,” he insisted. I bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself smiling. He looked like a grumpy kid, “Find it… please.” he mumbled.
Sighing, I walked closer to his desk, making sure I put the desk between us. Even feeling his gaze on my body was unnerving, exciting, and painful at the same time. Being this close to him, knowing that I could have him yet I would never mean an
ything to him was the biggest complication of the moment. The files were on his desk… not even under something. It was clearly just in front of his eyes.
“It’s here,” I said, confused.
“Okay,” he said like this was all normal.
“Well, then,” I sighed, shaking my head.
“Are you working on your project?” he asked as I was about to leave his office.
Taking a deep breath, I turned to face him, forcing myself not to read anything into his actions. I narrowed my eyes. “Yes, Mr. Hawke. Isn’t this why I’m here? To work?”
“Melody… we both know that you won’t keep this crap up long. Soon, you’ll be beneath me, begging me to fuck you harder,” he smirked at me.
I gasped, rage started to boil inside me, “How can you talk to me like that? You think I’m a slut? You couldn’t get lower in my eyes,” I whispered.
This was the thing about me: when I was angry I would shout, but when I was enraged, I wouldn’t shout like all other people, I would whisper. Becca had said once this was so scary, like I was possessed by demonic souls that use my voice to whisper deadly threats.
His face changed –the smirk made way for a frown. He walked toward me as I took a step back. His expression was troubled again as he tried to explain, “No, Melody. You’re not a slut, I never thought you were. Just… you want me so much. We were good together… till you ruined it with that silly thing.”
I wasn’t sure if his strange explanation should have been taken as an apology, but it didn’t sound like it.
“I didn’t ask for marriage, having kids, settling down, Kellan. All I asked for was to know that I meant something to you. I just wanted a relationship with you… just wanted to see you try… hell, I would be happy to see you willing, even. But yeah, how silly was that!”
He frowned, “What do you mean? Like you would want to have a relationship with me even if it doesn’t end well? What is the point?”
His confusion diminished my anger… a little. His question was real, sincere, like a kid’s curiosity. For the first time I saw him in a different light, he was a small boy in a way… something inside him was missing, the part that understood love and relationships.