Somewhere Only We Know

by Beverley Hollowed

  He was in such turmoil. Every ounce of his being was telling him, he was doing the right thing. She didn’t want him. She made that perfectly clear, and if he was honest, he understood why.

  He had let her down, in so many ways. When Emily died, he was so lost in his own grief, he didn’t see how lost and broken, Kate was.

  By the time he realised just how disconnected she had become, he had no idea how to make it right. He tried to reach her, reconnect with her, but she had put up her walls, so he never really pushed her.

  That was his biggest regret. He should have tried harder, tried to reach her, but now it was too late.

  At least, that was what his head was telling him. His heart was saying something completely different. He was longing to go to her, and plead with her once again to give him one more chance. A chance, he knew, he didn’t really deserve.

  The lift came to a stop and the doors slowly, slid open. James was first to move. He stepped off, turning back to Callum and waited for him to move.

  Callum turned around and looked at James with a strange look on his face.

  “Cal, why are you torturing yourself like this,” James asked his brother, not knowing what else to say. “The only mistake you are making is walking away. I know this, so why? Why punish yourself like this?”

  “I don’t know how to fix this James,” Callum shrugged. “How do I make up for the last ten months? How can I make what happened to Emily easier for her to deal with?”

  “You can’t,” James replied honestly. “That isn’t your job. Your job is simply to love Kate. Make her feel like she is still wanted and more importantly, still needed. Cal, she was Emily’s mother and she was with her when she died. The guilt she must feel is unimaginable.”

  “But, I have never blamed her” Callum replied. “It wasn’t her fault.”

  “I know that,” James replied with a sad smile. “But does Kate?”

  Callum stared at his brother for a moment and suddenly it all made sense. She blamed herself for what happened and that’s why she closed herself off from him. She thought he blamed her too.

  “I need to go back there, James,” Callum announced with a new urgency in his voice.

  “About freaking time,” James said, with a big smile filling his face. He quickly stepped back on the lift and pressed the button. This time he was sure his brother was going to do whatever it took, to save his marriage and win Kate back.

  Chapter 23

  Kate sat on her back porch, staring out over her back yard, nursing a strong cup of coffee. She hadn’t slept a wink the night before. Instead, she spent the night pacing up and down, trying to figure out what the hell she was going to do with the disaster that was her life.

  She had sobbed for almost an hour on the phone to Olly, the night before. She was so relieved when Olly said she would get on the next available flight and come over to see her. She knew whatever she decided, she would need someone with her because she just wasn’t strong enough on her own.

  She drained her coffee, stood up and walked back into the house. She was just about to open the dishwasher, when the door bell sounded.

  She froze and her heart instantly began to race in her chest. She knew it was too soon to be Olly, so that only left Callum or Finn, neither of whom, she really wanted to face at that very moment. The door bell sounded again and this time was followed by a knock on the door. Whoever it was, was persistent and wasn’t going away anytime soon.

  Kate put her coffee cup down on the counter and slowly walked to her front door. She paused and took a deep breath before she opened the door. When she came face to face with Jack, she was completely taken aback. Shock was quickly replaced by guilt, when the thought occurred to her that she hadn’t been to see him since the morning he told her he was sick.

  “Jack,” she exclaimed, finally remembering she should actually say something. “Is something wrong, are you okay?”

  “Can we talk?” Jack said looking Kate straight in the eye. Kate felt her stomach knot in nerves. He didn’t look happy and she had a pretty good idea why.

  “Sure,” she said, as she stepped back and allowed him into the house, before closing the door behind him. “Would you like some coffee, I have a fresh pot made.”

  “Coffee would be great, thanks,” he said as he walked into her living area, taking in his surroundings before sat down on her sofa. Kate quickly hurried into the kitchen, took two cups from the cupboard and poured out two coffees. She place them on the small tray that was sitting on the counter. She then put some chocolate chip cookies on a plate, put the plate on the tray and headed back into her living room.

  “Thank you,” Jack said, as Kate sat the tray down in front of him and handed him, his coffee.

  “So,” Kate said nervously as she picked up her own coffee and sat down across from Jack. “How have you been keeping?”

  “I am more tired these days,” Jack replied and took a sip of his coffee. “I guess that is to be expected.”

  “Yes, it is,” Kate replied with a nod before taking a small sip of her coffee. Neither said anything else for a couple of moments. Finally, Kate spoke again.

  “Jack, I am really sorry I haven’t been by since last week,” Kate said, sitting her cup down on the table. “I really meant to call you but…”

  “You have nothing to apologise for,” Jack waved his hand dismissively. “Finn told me you have had a lot to deal with yourself, so there really is no need to apologise. Actually, that’s why I am here. I wanted to talk to you about Finn.”

  “Oh,” Kate said, as she could feel her face suddenly burn with embarrassment.

  “He came to my house last night,” Jack explained. “He was upset, he said he had upset you and that he didn’t know how to make it right with you.”

  “Jack, what happened last night,” Kate said as she began to pick at her fingernails, nervously. “It wasn’t Finn’s fault. Jack, what happened, well it’s very complicated.”

  “He told me about your husband,” Jack said, knowing Kate wasn’t going to open up, unless she knew he already knew more than she thought he did. “He told me everything.”

  “Oh,” was all Kate could say.

  “I know about your little girl,” Jack said, cautiously. “Emily. That was her name, right?”

  Kate didn’t reply, she just nodded her head.

  “My dear, sweet girl,” Jack said reaching over and taking her hand. “I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even try to understand what you have gone through. No parent should have to bury their child.”

  Kate didn’t reply. She could feel her chest tighten as her heart ached with pure sadness. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on her breathing.

  “Kate, I didn’t come here to upset you,” Jack said squeezing her hand a little firmer. “That is the last thing I want to do, but I am here because of Finn, in a way, I guess. Finn was so devastated over what happened last night. He is so angry with himself over what happened at the bar. He told me about your husband turning up and what was said.”

  “Jack, I like Finn, I really do but…” Kate replied but Jack interrupted.

  “Kate, I am not here to ask you what your intentions with my son are, if that is what you think,” Jack said quickly. “Finn is a grown up and that is between you and him. No, I am here because Finn was worried about you. He told me everything that has happened and I thought you could use a friend, right about now.”

  Kate was speechless, she was sure Jack was here to have a go at her for making a fool of Finn, even though she hadn’t meant to. She could feel the tears pool in her eyes and she quickly wiped them away, she was determined not to cry.

  “Kate, Finn is a good boy, “Jack continued. “He is so upset over how things ended with you last night. He has no idea I am here, he would probably murder me if he knew, but I know grief and I know love. When Finn told me about what happened, with you and him, and your past. Suddenly, everything became so clear to me.”

  “Really?” Kate a
sked looking at the old man sitting in front of her. “I wish you could explain it to me, because Jack, I feel so lost and very confused right about now. This time last year, my life was perfect. I had a beautiful daughter I loved more than life itself. I had a husband whom I adored more than any other living soul in the world. One stupid moment and some asshole who was drunk behind the wheel of a car, and my life was torn to shreds.”

  “What happened to you was a terrible, awful thing,” Jack replied with a sad smile. “But it’s what happened to you, not who you are. You can’t let this define you.”

  “I don’t know who I am anymore, Jack” Kate replied as the tears finally broke free and trickled down her face. “And I don’t know how to even start to put my life back together.”

  “You start at the beginning,” Jack said. “You start with you. You have to stop blaming yourself for what happened to your little girl. Finn told me about the accident and about the fact you blamed yourself. It wasn’t your fault. Then you have to learn to love yourself again, because, if you don’t love yourself, how can someone else truly love you.”

  “Jack, what happened with Finn,” Kate said, feeling the need to explain herself to Jack. “I never meant to hurt him, I tried to keep my distance, I really did. But I was lonely and he was so kind and sweet. I never meant to hurt him. I swear, that was the last thing I wanted.”

  “I know that Kate,” Jack reassured her. “I knew that the night of my birthday, and in time, Finn will realize that too.”

  “I wish I could be the girl he wants me to be,” Kate said sadly. “I really like Finn, but…”

  “But you love your husband,” Jack cut in. Kate thought for a moment. She thought about Callum, of him standing in front of her the night before begging her to give him a chance. She was angry, angrier than she had been in such a long time. Kate had wanted to tell him it was over and mean it, but as she said the words, she knew in her heart, she didn’t mean a word of it.

  “Yes,” she replied honestly. “I love Callum more than anything else in this world, but I am no good for him.”

  “And why is that exactly,” Jack asked.

  “I let our daughter die,” Kate said looking Jack straight in the eye. Saying that out loud was such a hard thing for her to do. “I was the one with her in the car that day, I tried so hard to get her out, but I failed and because of me, we lost her.”

  “And you think Callum blames you?” Jack asked and once again Kate nodded her response, unable to talk because of the lump of grief, logged in her throat, almost choking her. “Then why did he come here. Why did he come looking for you, if he blames you? Why would he come here if he didn’t love you?”

  “I… I don’t know,” Kate sobbed softly. She had no idea why he would still love her, but in her heart, she knew he did.

  “Kate, the only person that is blaming you,” Jack said standing up and moving closer to Kate, sitting on the edge of the coffee table. “Is you. You have to stop. Callum loves you, of that I have no doubt. Even Finn said, he could see it in his eyes how much he adored you, and how much he wanted you back.”

  “What about Finn?” Kate asked, as Finn’s smiling face popped into her face and her heart hurt as she thought of what she had put him through.

  “He is hurting, and he is licking his wounds,” Jack replied honestly. “He was very sweet on you, but he will get over it.”

  “Jack,” Kate said, looking him straight in the face. “The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him.”

  “I know that,” Jack replied. “And deep inside, Finn knows that too.”

  “Have you told him about…” Kate said unable to finish the sentence. The thought that this kind, wonderful man, in front of her dying, was just too much for her to bear.

  “Not yet,” Jack shook his head. “But I am going to.”

  “Good,” Kate said, with a smile. “They need time, Jack”

  Jack stood up and smiled at Kate.

  “I should be heading back,” Jack said as Kate stood up also.

  “Can I call by and see you sometime?” Kate asked.

  “You can call by anytime,” Jack replied, then added. “You are always welcome in my home.”

  “Thank you for dropping by,” Kate said as she followed Jack to the door. “I am grateful for your friendship, Jack. I have very few friends left.”

  “Well you have me,” Jack replied as he reached for the latch on the door. “And you have Finn too, just give him a little time.”

  “I will,” Kate promised him.

  “Do me one favour,” Jack said turning back to face Kate before he opened the door. “Talk to Callum, you can’t keep punishing yourself or him like this.”

  “I will, I promise,” Kate said. Jack smiled, turned and opened the door. Both he and Kate jumped with fright to see Callum standing at Kate’s door, about to ring the doorbell.

  “Kate!” Callum exclaimed nervously, not sure of how she would react to him standing at her front door.

  “I will leave you to talk,” Jack said and turning back to Kate he added. “Listen to him.”

  Before she could answer, he kissed her on the cheek, turned and smiled at Callum, before he made his way down the front path.

  “Kate, I am sorry,” Callum said when Kate turned back to him. “I know I am the last person you want to see but…”

  “You’d better come in,” Kate said stepping back giving him room to come into her house.

  Callum looked at her, almost in shock for a moment, but then a faint smiled crept onto his face and a look of relief. He nervously stepped passed Kate and walked into her house.

  Kate took a deep breath before she closed the door. She knew no matter what happened now, however this conversation ended, it would be the first step on the road to the rest of her life.

  Chapter 24

  Callum sat nervously on the edge of the sofa, watching Kate, as she cleared away the coffee mugs from her last visitor. She had asked Callum if he wanted a coffee, but he was nervous and edgy enough, without filling up on caffeine too, so he passed.

  He watched her closely, as she moved with her usual grace. He knew she was nervous. Her hands were shaking and the skin on her neck had a slight red glow, the nervous rash she always got when she was worried or stressed out. Callum couldn’t help but feel slightly relieved, knowing she was as nervous as him.

  When she returned from the kitchen, she sat on the armchair across from him and avoided eye contact for as long as she could. Finally, when she could avoid it no longer, she allowed her eyes to drift up and met his crystal clear blue eyes. Once their eyes met, Kate could feel the old familiar feeling in the pit of her stomach. She could feel her face burn, so she quickly dropped her eyes back down to the safety of her hands.

  “Kate, first of all,” Callum began, as he nervously fidgeted in his seat. “I just wanted to apologise for my behaviour last night. It was unforgivable. I love you Katie, more than you could ever know, and well….it hurt to see you with that guy…eh… with Finn, but I swear, the last thing I wanted to do was upset you. Please believe me Katie, that was the last thing I wanted.”

  Kate looked up at Callum. The mention of Finn’s name, tightening her already knotted stomach. She thought back to the day before. She wished more than anything, she could go back and undo what happened. She knew it was a mistake to sleep with Finn. She liked him. She liked him a lot, but she knew in her heart she hadn’t stopped loving Callum, and sleeping with Finn was a huge mistake.

  “I know you said it was over last night, and I respect that.” Callum continued struggling to say the words. Kate could hear the nervousness in his voice. “But I just couldn’t leave it like that. I couldn’t just walk away without making sure you were okay. I think we have been through too much to let that be the last time we spoke.”

  “Callum,” Kate said, struggling for the right words to say. “About last night…”

  “No, please listen,” Callum interrupted her quickly. “Kate, I know I have hurt you an
d I have let you down. Truth is, I let you down, long before…well…before that night.”

  Kate closed her eyes, as the mental image of Callum with another woman, invaded her mind and her stomach heaved. Them touching, kissing, it was as clear in her mind as if she had seen them with her own eyes and it was so painful to think about. Then suddenly, the memory of her and Finn, came crashing into her head, replacing the images of Callum with some faceless woman. She remembered his touch, his kiss, even the words he said.

  Kate remembered how, for the first time in so long, she felt alive. She slammed down those thoughts and tried to push them out of her head.

  “I know, I can never begin to put right, all the times I let you down, Kate,” Callum continued inching closer to her on the sofa. “I wouldn’t even know where to start. All I know is losing you, is like losing my soul. Without you, I am nothing. Kate, if you tell me that you don’t love me anymore, I will walk away and never bother you again.”

  He rose up from the sofa and crouched down in front of Kate, taking her by the hands.

  “But if there is even the slightest chance, you still love me,” Callum said, as he reached up and brushed away the tear that suddenly broke free, from her cheek. “Then I am begging you. Give me a chance to try and make this right. Let me make you happy again, Katie.”

  Kate sobbed softly, as she leaned into Callum’s touch, pressing her cheek up against the palm of his hand. She had missed him so much and she wanted nothing more than to let him take her in his arms, and give herself back to him, but she knew if this was ever going to work, there could be no secrets.

  “Katie, talk to me baby,” Callum said taking her face in his hands. “I know you love me, I can see it in your eyes.”

  Kate looked up and let her eyes meet Callum’s. She had never loved him more than she did, right in that moment. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

  “I slept with Finn,” she said, opening her eyes and looking at Callum. She held her breath, as her words washed over him and her heart slammed against her chest when he suddenly dropped his hands from her face and stood up.