Believing Lies

by Rachel Everleigh

  She tried to console me. “Courtney is going to stay at The Turning Point in case he shows up there. Zach called his roommate and told him to call us if Adam went to their house, and he’s going to start going to various bars to look for him.”

  Conner was on his phone with God knows who, asking if they’d seen Adam.

  “You told Courtney and Zach?” I asked Sophie.

  “Yes. I’m sorry, but they needed to know if they were going to help.”

  “I understand.” We let go of each other, and I took a step back. “Oh my God, Sophie. He hates me so much right now. I messed up everything.”

  Conner ended his call and was leaning against the wall, arms crossed. “You should have told him the truth a long time ago,” he said matter-of-factly.

  I started to hyperventilate. Sophie grabbed my hands in hers. “Honey, you need to calm down. This isn’t good for the baby. You need to think about the baby right now.” She was right. I needed to focus on the baby. Somehow I forced myself to calm my breathing. I sat on the couch and hung my head in my hands. Sophie sat next to me and began to soothingly rub circles on my back. “There you go. Deep breaths. He may just be driving around and will walk through the door any minute. We just need to wait.”

  “Screw waiting. I’m going to look for him.” Conner grabbed his keys off the coffee table. “Sienna?” I looked up and found his face full of concern. “She’s right, go lay down on his bed and keep yourself as calm as possible.”

  I nodded once.

  “I’m going to try to find my best friend before he does something really stupid.”

  “I’ll call you if he shows up or if I hear anything,” Sophie told him.

  “Thanks,” he clipped out. He paused for a moment. “Don’t leave before I get back. We have a lot to talk about.”

  She stiffened, and I could see the unshed tears glossing her eyes. “Are you going to break up with me?” she asked him, panic in her voice.

  A look of deep pain crossed his face. “Why would you jump to that conclusion? I’m mad at you. Dammit, Babe, I am so fucking mad at you right now, but that doesn’t mean we’re breaking up.”

  During all of my selfish lies, I never really thought through how Conner would react when he knew Sophie had been keeping this secret for me. Now their relationship was affected, and I was the asshole who was responsible.

  ***

  It was pitch black when I woke. Adam’s pillow was still wet, so either I was crying in my sleep or I hadn’t been asleep for very long. I found my phone still clenched in my hand, so I slid the bar. It was quarter to one. I used the light from my phone to navigate to the bedroom light switch and opened the door. The living room light was on, but the room was empty. I could hear Sophie and Conner talking from behind his door, but couldn’t make out what they were saying.

  I went to the bathroom on autopilot, and then went back to Adam’s bed. I left the light on, hoping it would help keep me awake. I tried calling his phone again, only to go straight to voicemail. This time I left a message.

  “Adam, I wish you’d answer your phone. I never did, and never would, cheat on you. I’m pregnant with your baby,” I explained, my voice wavering. “What you heard was out of context. Trenton found out I was pregnant and came to find out if it was true.” I hesitated. “I love you. I am so desperately in love with you.” I choked back a sob. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the baby. I was scared you’d leave me. I was scared you would stay for the wrong reasons. Hell, I was just scared.” My voice had become so strangled, I could barely continue. “I’m at your house. Please come home.”

  I laid back down and started to look through pictures on my phone. Lots of pictures of Adam laughing, smiling, or giving me some goofy face or smirk. Pictures of us together, looking so happy and in love. I finally pushed my phone into the pocket of my hoodie, and I nestled my face into his pillow and inhaled his familiar scent.

  I shot up like a bullet when his doorknob turned. I felt a mixture of relief and anxiety as I watched him stagger into the room. I could smell the heavy scent of alcohol. He didn’t even notice me initially, but when he did, he stumbled and used the wall to right himself.

  “Thank God you’re back. I’ve been so worried.” I began to move toward the end of his bed, so I could get up to help him.

  “I don’t care. In fact, I don’t care about you at all,” he said coldly. “Get the hell out of my room.”

  I tried to keep my voice calm as I said, “No. I’m not going anywhere until you let me explain. You need to listen.”

  “I don’t need to do shit,” he told me, his words slurring together. “You know what, you actually did me a favor. Now I can stop pretending and go back to having fun.” He stumbled backwards a little and ended up in the doorway, using the doorknob for support. “You have your secrets. Well, guess what? I have a few of my own.” A wicked sneer twisted his lips. “For starters, you were just convenient. You were always around thanks to your cousin. You had a tight little body and the whole good girl thing going on, and frankly I was bored with the randoms. I wanted to see if I could corrupt you.” He winked at me. This wasn’t the fun, flirty, cocky wink I’d grown to love. Nope, this was a “fuck you” wink. Before I could even form a coherent response, he continued to lay into me. “You were a challenge, and I don’t back down from a challenge. It was so easy to make you think it was your choice to sleep with me. Shit, you played right into my hand.”

  I tried to squelch the crushing pain in my chest. “Please stop, Adam,” I pleaded. “I know I hurt you, but you don’t mean any of that.”

  He laughed, a bitter bark of a laugh. “Oh, but don’t I? Around the clock sex with the little virgin who turned into my own personal nympho. Every guy’s wet dream, right?”

  “But you said you loved me,” I breathed out, swallowing the lump in my throat

  I swore I saw pain flicker in his eyes, but then it was gone. “You were getting bitchy and needy, so I said it to keep you in line,” he explained flippantly.

  I thought back to the pictures on my phone. “No. I don’t believe you. You’re trying to hurt me, and it’s working.” My gaze pinned him. “But what we have is real.”

  He looked at me with a mixture of anguish and fury. “No, it isn’t!” he yelled.

  Conner and Sophie appeared behind him. Conner touched his shoulder, but Adam jerked away. “Dude, you’re totally wasted. You need to stop talking. You’re not seeing the whole picture.”

  He shook his head. “Nah, man. I may be drunk, but I see crystal fucking clear.”

  Sophie tried to reason with him by saying, “Adam, please stop. You need to listen to Sienna. You love her. You know you do.”

  “That’s where you’re all wrong!” he bellowed. He took a few steps toward me and held his eyes to mine in a steady, unwavering stare. “I don’t love you. I loved fucking you, but I guess so did Trenton.” I winced as his words stabbed deep. He cocked his eyebrow and smiled. “I got to pop your cherry, and he got to pop a bun in your oven. I certainly got the better end of that deal.” Cold, harsh, humor laced his tone, and he chuckled to himself. “Shit, instead of punching the guy, I should be thanking him. I dodged a fucking bullet.”

  Conner held Sophie back from charging at Adam.

  My heart was imploding from the force of his vehement rejection. I got off of his bed—the bed that I’d never spend one more second in—and took the few steps necessary to come face-to-face with him.

  “You dodged a bullet? Is that how you really feel?” I asked, my voice shaking.

  He seemed reluctant to answer. As I waited for his response, a lone, traitorous tear escaped my eye. Adam’s hand went to my cheek, and he very gently brushed the tear away. The rest of my tears began to flow freely. I looked at him through my blurry eyes and wet lashes and found his expression looked tortured—absolutely tortured. I could tell he was warring with himself.

  “You’re breaking my heart,” I breathed out.

  He snapped
his hand back like my skin had just burned him. He leaned in close to my ear, and the smell of alcohol assaulted my senses. “Good. I hope it fucking shatters. I thank my lucky stars I was smart enough to wear a rubber every time.” It was a whisper; a harsh, brutal whisper.

  He got his wish; my heart shattered into a million jagged pieces. I must have died, because I had just been thrown into my own personal Hell. I was destroyed. He had destroyed me, heart and soul.

  I stretched my fingers across Adam’s chest and forcefully pushed him away from me. He stumbled backwards and swayed until he found his balance. Conner released Sophie, and I took her by the hand.

  “Will you drive me home, please? I don’t think I’m up to driving right now.” My voice was calm, almost completely detached.

  She squeezed my hand. “Of course, honey. Come on.”

  Conner stepped in front of us at the doorway. “Sienna, he’s hurt, and he’s drunk. He’s lying. I know how he feels about you. You mean the world to him.”

  I choked back a sob. “I wish I could believe that.”

  Conner looked toward his friend sadly before looking back to me. “Please tell him. I don’t want to be the one to do it.”

  I gave him a solemn nod. This was my responsibility. It had to be me. I turned to Adam, who was staring at me completely emotionless.

  “I loved you with everything I had, and I gave you everything I had to give. I’ve never slept with anyone else,” I explained, keeping my voice resigned to prevent it from wobbling. “The condom didn’t work. I’m having your baby.”

  I watched the blood drain from his face. He slammed his fist into the wall so hard he punched straight through. Sophie and I jumped, startled by his reaction. His knuckles came out bloody, and he clenched his hurt hand to his stomach.

  The agony that I felt all the way to my bones was crushing me. I couldn’t watch or take any more. Conner moved out of the doorway, so Sophie and I could leave the room. He gave me the most sympathetic look imaginable as we passed. I didn’t deserve his sympathy.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  With my head slumped against the cold glass of Sophie’s passenger side window, I watched the bright lights of the city passing by and tried to numb myself to the excruciating pain in my chest. But my efforts were futile. It hurt. It hurt like a bitch. However, I hadn’t cried a single tear since I left Adam’s house, and I was hoping to keep the waterworks at bay for as long as possible.

  Sophie had tried to talk to me when we first got in her Jeep, but I told her I just wanted to be left alone. Talking would lead to crying, of that I was certain. The radio was off, and the silence provided its own form of solace. It was already very early in the morning, and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. Well, not exactly. I really wanted to drown myself in a bottle of tequila, but that obviously wasn’t an option.

  I didn’t pay attention to anything else from the moment we pulled into the parking level of our apartment until we were right outside of our door. I’d been too busy trying to keep my mind blank.

  “What the hell?” Sophie wondered out loud. Oh, yeah, the pizza.

  We got the garbage can and some cleaner and went to work. I took some of my frustration out on the sponge as I scrubbed at the now dried and crusty sauce. Sophie assessed the damage to the door, finding it was fairly minor. We could wait to call the superintendent until after we woke up to have it fixed. We parted ways with a long hug and drawn out “goodnight.”

  Once in my room, I violently pulled off my clothes and threw them in the hamper. I put on a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and a T-shirt and flipped off the light. Exhausted, I crawled into bed and laid down my head. Sandalwood and soap. I breathed in deep and let the memories flood in: every kiss, every touch, every look, and every promise. I’m such a fucking idiot! He was right; he played me so easily because, even in my memories, I was fooled. Not once did I ever question his sincerity. I’d truly believed he loved me as much as I loved him—only to find out it was all a colossal joke, with me being the ultimate punch line.

  I felt the hot tears escape my closed eyes. I climbed out of bed and turned on my light. I looked at my bed, and my mind played a sick, cruel joke. I pictured Adam, laying there with a playful smile on his lips. I blinked, and he was gone. I wanted him gone permanently, so I let every horrible and hateful thing he said tonight slice into me over and over again like a razor blade. I felt every word slash and rip at my very soul until it was completely and utterly shredded—until every part of me was mangled, and nothing was left but a bloody mess.

  I sat on the edge of my bed, tightly gripping my comforter, and began to shake. I was falling in a horrible tailspin, about to crash and burn. Unable to keep it in any longer, I got off my bed, sank to my knees, and freaked the fuck out. Clutching my head in my hands, I screamed like a crazy woman. I had a total mental breakdown as I screamed over and over again, my fingers tugging my hair until my scalp burned. Anger and shame rolled through me in uncontrollable waves of burning hot lava. I felt helpless, and I loathed the feeling. I picked up my lamp, ripping the cord from the wall, and threw it at my mirror. As I watched the glass splinter and crash to the ground, I remembered.

  You’re breaking my heart.

  Good. I hope it fucking shatters.

  In a red haze, I wreaked destruction. I couldn’t stop myself, even if I wanted. When the red finally cleared, I was huffing, and my whole body was buzzing.

  “Sienna, open this goddamn door!” Sophie yelled, jiggling the locked doorknob.

  I looked around my room and cringed. Clothing and hangers were everywhere, everything from the top of my dresser was broken, and the drawers were ripped open. My curtains, along with the rod, were on the floor also. I didn’t even remember pulling them down. I also didn’t remember locking my door. Subconsciously, I must’ve known that I was going to have a breakdown and that Sophie would try to intervene.

  I tore off the corners of my fitted bed sheet and brought them together, incasing all of the other bedding in a makeshift sack. It was bulky, so I threw it over my shoulder. I opened my door, and came face-to-face with a very worried Sophie.

  “You scared me!” She peeked over my shoulder, and her eyes widened when she saw what was left of my room. She pointed at the bundle of bedding on my shoulder. “Do I even want to know what you’re doing?”

  “I’m taking out the trash,” I snapped.

  She sighed heavily and said, “Makes sense, I guess. Cheaper than a diamond ring down the toilet.”

  I glared at her. “Cracking jokes? Really?”

  She put up her hands in defense. “It’s what I do.”

  She backed up, so I could get into the hallway. The bedding was so bulky that I bumped into the wall. Sophie came to my aid, and with her help, I made my way through our apartment door and down the hall. I shoved all of my bedding piece-by-piece down the garbage chute until I held the final pillow. Lifting it to my face, I took one last inhale, letting the familiar sent calm my frazzled nerves. Tears welled behind my eyes, but with a clogged throat, I swallowed them back and tossed the pillow down the chute. Goodbye, Adam. Even my internal voice sounded choked up.

  ***

  Because my room was a Class-A cluster fuck, I ended up sleeping with Sophie. When I woke up, it was five o’clock in the evening, and she was no longer next to me. I found her watching TV in the living room.

  “Good morning. Um, I mean evening,” I said groggily, sitting down on the chair and pulling my feet up under me. “I can’t believe I slept so late.”

  “I just woke up about an hour ago. I guess an emotional night requires some extra z’s.”

  “I guess so,” I agreed quietly, pushing everything else I was feeling to the backburner. “I’m really sorry about causing problems between you and Conner.”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  I responded by tilting my head toward her.

  “Seriously. We worked it out last night. He’s still pretty mad, but he understands. I actually jus
t hung up with him a few minutes ago.” She hesitated. “Adam’s still passed out, in case you were wondering.”

  I shook my head. “I wasn’t.” Liar.

  “I know you’re really, really hurt right now, and he deserves to be castrated, but do you think that maybe what he said last night was all bullshit?”

  “Do you?” I honestly wanted to hear her opinion.

  “Yeah, I do.” She crossed her legs under her and turned off the TV. “Conner explained to me that Adam lashes out when he’s hurt.” She hesitated before adding, “He told me about Adam’s mom.”

  “He told you about that?”

  “Yeah.” She flashed me a grim look. “Conner and I think he said everything to hurt you because, in his mind, you had hurt him. Conner said that after Adam’s mom died, he went off the deep end, lashing out at everyone and alienating himself. Apparently, it got really bad and he self-destructed.”

  As much as I wanted to not care, to not feel anything for Adam, my insides ached at the thought of how hard it must’ve been for him to deal with the death of his mom. I couldn’t begin to imagine the pain he must have endured.

  “I can’t think about this right now.” My voice was strained. “Can we please change the subject?”

  “Not yet. Just let me finish,” she said. I exhaled in defeat. “A blind person can see that he really does love you.” My body stiffened, but she either didn’t notice or didn’t care. “Why else would he have gotten so drunk in the first place? If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t have cared if you’d been cheating on him. He was really wasted, and—”

  I put my hand up to stop her from continuing. “Yes, he was drunk, but that doesn’t change anything.” I bit my lip to control my rising temper. “He probably got drunk because thinking I’d cheated was a blow to his ego; nothing else.” She looked as if she was going to interrupt me, but I kept going before she could. “I got played by a master player,” I stated, my tone flat. “Does it kill me? Yes. You have no idea how much.” My voice cracked a little, but I took a second and removed all emotion from it. “But I need to move on, and all that matters now is the baby.”